Hello/ Our Experiences so far/ Trigger Warnings will be used

Hi everyone. Just didn't see a place for formal introductions anywhere and so decided to create this first post as one for us.
I am Heather- the host and share the name of the original (sleeping) person who was before everything happened.

We have others several other active parts.

Jenn- our teenager at 15 years old. She can be a lot to handle sometimes but we love her just the same. I would prefer she watch her language a bit more but you know, that's just me.

Jewels- She is the alter who originally was just known as "The Librarian" and is our keeper of records and memories. Generally speaking, Jewels doesn't come out unless for some reason, I am unable or unwilling to do so. It is rare for her to make an appearance, but sometimes you may run into her.

Bryar is our gatekeeper. She determines if it's safe for certain alters to come out. Never seen outside.

Angel is our active little. She is 5 years old and has a hard time not recognizing that it is no longer the 1970's. Computer use is minimal but she likes to play certain online games now. Typing however isn't too good. She tries though.

There used to be more of us that were active, but not so much these days. There is someone else who is new that we can hear inside but so far as I know, hasn't come out and doesn't really "talk" very often.

We decided to join here because we don't feel accepted or like we belong anywhere at all anymore. We tried to talk to our family but mostly we were ignored or flat out lied to. We kept trying to reach out to them and we kept being shunned and told that we "don't discuss our dirty laundry like that. You're old enough to know better." ...I feel so.. invalidated. We attempted many times to do therapy. However, the only type we have ever received was cognitive behavioral therapy and that never seems to work at all for us. One day we hope to find a type of therapy that will work. We have been recommended to see someone about a treatment called EMDR and when we read about it- it scared all of us. Not sure why, not sure if this will even help us- but we have reached out to the few EMDR therapists in our area and none are currently accepting new patients. (Covid and all I think).

Anyway, this is us. We are still a bit afraid of talking too much right now about the things that would include triggers- mainly because we are brand new here and need to get a feel for things first. We have been hurt too many times to allow too much out here and then regret the words we wrote later, you know what I mean?

A little background though- I am (the body is) in her late 40s. We were a twin. He was male and he passed away in 2018 of lung cancer. It was one of the top 3 most painful things I have ever experienced personally. And it is a spot that still makes me cry.

We are a mother of 1 child. I say child, he is an adult now. However, ...his story will be told a little later perhaps. ...this is the 2nd most painful thing I have ever experienced.

And of course, the original trauma that created our system, which we call simply, "Us" (I know, I know, real creative huh?) It's the only thing that has ever felt correct to all of us, so we stick with it, which is the very most painful thing that has ever happened- but is not what I consider recent. However, for some inside, it feels ongoing to them.

Well, that's all from Us for now. I hope that it was ok to introduce ourselves in our own thread. I did try to find an introduction thread first but couldn't.

Take care everyone who comes across this post. I wish you all a pleasant day. (or night, whatever it might be when you read this).

Goodbye... (hopefully just for now).

Hello, and welcome!

Hello and welcome!

We decided to join here because we don't feel accepted or like we belong anywhere at all anymore. We tried to talk to our family but mostly we were ignored or flat out lied to. We kept trying to reach out to them and we kept being shunned and told that we "don't discuss our dirty laundry like that. You're old enough to know better." ...I feel so.. invalidated.

It is called "gaslighting". It's when the abuser denies doing anything wrong, invalidates the victim's feelings, and other similar things. Abuse is not "dirty laundry", it is plain wrong and criminal. Only an abuser who refuses to take responsibility for their actions, tells the victim to "let go" and not react. And it is gaslighting.

Your feelings ARE valid. Your hurt IS valid. Your need to sort things out IS valid. Your need to have the abuser/s take responsibilities IS valid.

You are heard.

We have been recommended to see someone about a treatment called EMDR and when we read about it- it scared all of us. Not sure why, not sure if this will even help us- but we have reached out to the few EMDR therapists in our area and none are currently accepting new patients. (Covid and all I think).

EMDR praticians are often overbooked.

EMDR needs to be adapted to DID! It's aim is to "integrate" the trauma. Which means: "digest" the traumatic emotions, being able to remember the factual events without being triggered and without traumatic flashbacks. "Integrating" is often mistaken for "we need to be connected to it all the time and it is re-traumatizing and we don't want it!" or mistaken for "it's going to force us to fuse together and we don't want to!". In trauma work, "integrating" means "digesting" the trauma.

EMDR never forces you to touch traumatic material that you are note ready to touch yet. Things are taken baby step by baby step. If the only thing you can start with is, "digest" the fact that te abuser wore a red shirt, so you are no longer triggered by red shirts, well... That's where you'll start. Nothing more.

When you are becoming too upset during therapy, the pratician will bring you back to the here and now, help you anchor to the here and now. YOU are the one who decides how fast or slow you want to take things. And with the adaptation for DID the treatment speed is even more into your control.

Also, it has nothing to do with hypnosis.

We are still a bit afraid of talking too much right now about the things that would include triggers- mainly because we are brand new here and need to get a feel for things first.

Take your time and only talk about the things you are comfortable talking about!

we call simply, "Us" (I know, I know, real creative huh?) It's the only thing that has ever felt correct to all of us, so we stick with it

There is no need to force yourself/ves to use a fancy name if it does not feel right! Just use the words you are comfortable with!

However, for some inside, it feels ongoing to them.

That's what dissociation does. The trauma parts are dissociated and "trapped" in the trauma time and place. Trauma work helps them re-connect to the here and now and feel safe here and now.

Anyway, welcome again on the forums! Feel free to ask as many advices as you feel comfortable asking, you'll always end up finding someone to answer, even if only to offer moral support!

__
Urielle and Trisha.

Thank you for the welcome Snaga and Urielle and Trisha. I appreciate that.

Oh, Urielle and Trisha, you have a lot of good information that I needed to hear just now. I am so glad that I came to find this forum. And it seems you have shed light onto a few of the things that trouble me a lot these days. We are all appreciative of that help. And for you taking the time to address them plainly and without judgement and only acceptance.

I wanted to tell you a special thank you. I kept feeling out of control, more crazy, but I *know* I am not crazy, just deeply wounded by what has happened in the past. In time, we do wish to be well.

And the part about EMDR not attempting "integrate" our parts was our major concern. For the most part, we have a fairly stable system now. No one is left in the dark about another's actions, at least not for long. And we try to communicate between us like a real family should- with respect and love and kindness. It's taken us many years to get to this point. We want it to remain this way- knowing now that EMDR's intention is not to take this away from us is a huge relief.

Well life calls. Cleaning tasks and shopping to do. Taking care of our 3 parakeets - ah the regular things we do.

Have a good day everyone. And thank you for being here and being so helpful and caring.

~Heather