I think I lied to myself

Hello everybody,
before I get into this I want to put a big trigger warning for denial/lying.

I'm a female of 28 y/o and I think that I've been lying to myself for 2 weeks now. At first, I wanted to educate myself on the topic of DID/OSSD both by some kind of "fascination" (the term is not right, but it translates the fact that I couldn't help but watch videos on DID) and also to help the community as an educated singlet. But then, some of the stuff I read/watched started to ring a bell a little bit, and I asked around to see if people lived the same experience as me, like fighting/ having debate with oneself, telling oneself to shut up sometimes because I couldn't hear myself think anymore, having bad thought that I couldn't control, dissociating and so on. I know I have dissociative disorders, I now realize that I've had them for years (all of my childhood memories are in 3rd person) and doctors told me I was "just tired" when all of the exams showed good health, now at least I know why I feel like not myself and like in a dream almost all the time ^^

So, when I thought I could maybe have osdd-1b (not DID cause I don't experiment blackouts, the amnesia I have is for past memories, like retrospectively I don't remember the 3/4 of my life but in the moment I never experience amnesia, never woke up in a room without knowing how I got there or met people I didn't recognize etc.), I became "aware" of "alters", male and female, child and non-binary ones, that were happy to finally meet me or indifferent depending on who I "spoke" to. I felt their presence, their temper, had names, even kind of saw what they looked like. One of them took control of my body once, which I didn't really care for so we kind of had a fight, he said he was trying to show the proofs I wanted but I freaked out so I was mad at him. The day after that, I experienced a lot of dp/dr and even dysphoria at some point, I was freaking out even more.

I know there's a "headspace" in which I saw them built a house.
But honestly, now I think I was just lying to myself, I don't know why. Maybe to aknowledge that my childhood wasn't as neutral as I thought it was, but I'm still not sure about that. I know there was emotional abuse/neglect, and some harassment in school in addition, but idk I still feel like I'm talking about somebody else when I talk about it. So, maybe my mind saw those DID videos and thought "hey, here's how I can finally convince her that there was abuse?", so it made up alters?

Because now, a few days later, I don't feel them a lot anymore, I felt at some point that they were disappointed in me because I was in denial and too much in control, but I also feel like my brain makes it all up to maintain an illusion. I don't hear them loudly like people described, it can happen but it's very very rare and I also think this is my imagination. At first I thought that we talked by sharing thoughts, but honestly this could very well have been my own thoughts. Now I am ashamed that I made it all up, and sometimes I still can "feel" them in the back of my head, like they are far away and I want to cry when I think of trying to move on from this, but I trust that my brain will move on from this. I hope so, because I would hate to do wrong to a community that already suffered a lot by imagining I have something that I don't have. (sorry if my writing is confusing I'm kind of dissociated rn)

If I'm writing this, it's only for 2 reasons : either this will make me realize that I'm not faking, but I doubt it because I clearly am, or this will help someone else because I didn't find anybody admitting to themselves online that they were lying so I truly hope that it will help someone ! (maybe me, idk I'm so confused rn)

If this post is problematic in any way, I'm sorry, pls tell me and I will delete it in a heartbeat, and I also wanted to thank the community because people are incredible in here and helped me understand DID better.

Hi men0tme,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a very common reaction when someone starts to become aware of having DID/OSDD. Since it started with being influenced to watch videos about DID, it sounds like your system has been feeling like it's time for you to have more awareness about it.

But it also sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and that's sent you back into denial again. It's common for this to be a very back-and-forth kind of thing. I've known about the alters for almost 3 years, but when we're feeling overwhelmed, we fall back into denial and resistance (maybe not so much of "I don't have this" anymore as "I hate having this and don't want it to be true.")

Try to be gentle with yourself and do things that are calming. One thing that helped me a lot at first was remembering that nothing had changed except my awareness. They had always been there, and the system had its way of functioning when I wasn't aware of them, so it would go on functioning after I was, as long as I didn't try to get in the way.

If you can find a therapist who specializes in DID/OSDD, that would be the most helpful. They can support you as you get to know yourselves better.

the Gang

Thank you for your answer <3

Ironically, writing that made two of my alters come out yesterday evening. I don't know if I'm more scared of lying to myself and "acting", or to have osdd, but I'm working on it and I'm talking about it with my t. I think I made progress yesterday but acknowledging that huge wave of denial, and writing about my experience helped me realize that there was many things I was pushing aside. I know I'll go back in denial at some point (or realize that I did lie to myself) but for now, I'm glad I made progress!

When people lie to themselves, they do it for a purpose. What would the purpose be of faking DID to yourself for yourself and hiding it from people outside? Either it has no purpose, or the purpose is to make you feel good.

What is wrong with making you feel good? Who do you hurt if you feel good by being more than one person?

I know it's very tough to wake up one day and realize you've been multiple all along. Happened to me too; kinda the same way actually. It all started to fall in place when I learnt more about being multiple, DID, and all that. Past the first "WTF?" days, we got organized pretty fast to keep being as functional as possible.

So my question is: does it matter if it is "real" or "fake" as long as you are all happy together and functionning well as a team?

Also regarding "trauma", when people hear "trauma" they automatically think about the worse stuff possible. But it does not always happen that way. What makes it a "trauma" is how it is experienced and how much stress it made you feel. Some people go through emotional neglect with a shrug and "whatever" because they find ways to cope. Others are put into agony and by the exact same acts and develop DID and c-PTSD.

There are a lot of abusive behaviors that are still nowadays seen as "normal parenting style". Which makes it even more complicated for victims and perpetrators alike to understand the consequences and wrongness of that. It does not need to be horror-movie-worthy or report-in-the-newspaper worthy to be abusive and have traumatic consequences. Some perpetrators might even not realize what they are doing because they were raised into thinking it's normal and desirable.

You might discover awful things in your past, just as well as realize that the things you remember cause way more emotional distress than you previously thought. Simply because you are sensitive to them. And being sensitive is NOT a bad thing. You don't yell at ice cream if it melts on the counter: instead, you put it in the freezer. Well, sensitive people are like ice cream. They need to be cared for the proper way, that's all.

All in all, I don't think a happy singleton would go "well maybe I have DID and maybe we are many and oh my I act and react and feel as if I were many". Just like a cis person would not spend most of their time daydreaming about being of another gender.

Multiples need sometimes a lot of time to realize they are multiple, especially when we instinctively forget about the clues or use the proper organization techniques that are needed to navigate the amnesia etc.

It's okay to need time to figure things out. It's okay to be frightened about exploring new possibilities or exploring one's own identity/ies. You don't have to do this alone. Especially if you are a system. Then, you'll always have people close to have your back.

--Zami--

ArbreMonde wrote: What is wrong with making you feel good? Who do you hurt if you feel good by being more than one person?

So my question is: does it matter if it is "real" or "fake" as long as you are all happy together and functionning well as a team?

In that you are right, and my t says the same thing, but idk if I discovered I was making it up all along, I would feel horrible in so many ways that I'd rather discover it sooner than later I guess, but I know you are right I should just try to focus on making this work. It's just hard not to know if I'm osdd-valid or not.

*** TW***

ArbreMonde wrote: You might discover awful things in your past

Well, I already know of a few things but, I remember so few things about my childhood that it's hard to know if "that was it" or if there was smthg else. Basically there was neglect, emotional and psychological abuse, harassment from my father and possibly a little bit of c*p, and grand-parents and denial from my mother and other grand-parents, and at school but idk.

Thank you for your message, I think I need time to deal with this but I'm a really impatient person (as my protector publicly acknowledged yesterday xD) and insecure so I have to work on that too ^^

If you need it at some point. And no longer need it later. It is not "lying to yourself". The moon has phases and it's still the moon. So even if it's """just a phase""". Well it's a phase that you seem to need now for reasons. The only think you risk is, to learn things about yourself/ves.

--Zami-- (and someone else with it coz it's not my usual speech pattern)

Thank you, I'll try to keep that in mind <3

**TW : denial, medication and alcohol**

Ok so definitively feeling like I'm faking again, but for real this time. The irony is that I talked to a therapist who specializes in DID and she said that my symptoms totally fit into DID, and since that phone call... I just "decided" I've had enough and now I feel I'm faking. I don't mind having DID (since it doesn't change much for me) which makes me think I'm faking even more (well... there are times were I freak out and don't want to have it but sometimes I don't mind because I like my "alters", which shows that I subconsciously fake that) and I'm tired of all this, I want to move on but ever since I decided I don't have did because my symptoms are too faint (I'm sure it's more intrusive thoughts and dissociative disorder than OSDD) I'm angry and want to cry... maybe I'm just tired, Idk.

I barely feel anyone lately, let alone hear anyone... I know I don't make any effort but if I had OSDD I could not control it, right? I don't control dissociation but I feel like I don't have that much of mood changes, or voices, or everything else. I also take a lot of anxyolitics and alcohol, so maybe that doesn't help, but... Idk I'm totally lost. I'm afraid of having subconsciously faked this disorder and not being able to let go of it for some reason.

men0tme wrote: The irony is that I talked to a therapist who specializes in DID and she said that my symptoms totally fit into DID, and since that phone call... I just "decided" I've had enough and now I feel I'm faking.

What has helped us is to use that "faking" feeling as a sign that we're feeling overwhelmed. Like, "oh, there's that feeling again. What is going on that's stressing me right now?" Getting your diagnosis validated by a specialist could be a stressor, because as much as you might not mind having DID in the present, it still has a lot of implications for your past, and there are probably parts who don't want to face that, or who want to protect you from that.

But when you deny it, you're denying the existence of the other parts, and that hurts them and makes them angry--that's probably where those feelings are coming from.

It's very common for there to be quiet periods--maybe they're not wanting to upset you further and are staying out of your way.

Can you continue to work with that therapist, by video perhaps? Some kind of support by a professional would probably help you feel less overwhelmed.

What has helped us is to use that "faking" feeling as a sign that we're feeling overwhelmed. Like, "oh, there's that feeling again. What is going on that's stressing me right now?" Getting your diagnosis validated by a specialist could be a stressor, because as much as you might not mind having DID in the present, it still has a lot of implications for your past, and there are probably parts who don't want to face that, or who want to protect you from that.

I think you're right. I think I'm realizing how having osdd will mean dealing with feelings and trauma and I've just suppressed that so much that it's really hard to imagine dealing with that. Also it will mean taking others into account when I act and that scares me.
But also, I feel like I can "control" too much when alters are out or not, I mean I know sometimes I think I switch because I don't feel the same, and I'm sometimes able to do stuff that I normally can't do or the other way around, but no one speaks or write if I don't want them to, so I took that as a sign that I'm faking :/

But when you deny it, you're denying the existence of the other parts, and that hurts them and makes them angry--that's probably where those feelings are coming from.

That's what I had in mind, that's why I always apologize but I feel like it's not enough anymore

It's very common for there to be quiet periods--maybe they're not wanting to upset you further and are staying out of your way.

And in a way, they would be right, I loathe not being in control every second of my life so this is like a nightmare to me right now, but in the long run if I do have that, forcing myself to let go of control will probably be incredibly beneficial.

Can you continue to work with that therapist, by video perhaps? Some kind of support by a professional would probably help you feel less overwhelmed.

Yes I'm seing my regular therapist, and the specialist gave me her number in case I want to call her and/or have questions, so I'll think about it when I feel a little better, or if I really get worse I guess !

Thank you for your answer, it really helps us !