Struggling with acceptance

I’m gonna keep this fairly short, since if I dwell too long I’ll get scared again and go away. It’s been a long time since posting here, I hope it’s ok if I (we?) come back.

Things have changed, most important is I have a t now who is a specialist in trauma and dissociation, and she a) believes me when I talk about the ‘others’ (the alters? parts? I like my word and the term parts; alters is...scary to use because it feels real and serious) and b) uses the words ‘system’ and ‘alter’ for us, but I don’t know the exact diagnosis. I’m too scared to ask. Two ‘others’ came out and talked to the t during our most recent session, and I’m totally out of whack over that - I keep trying to replicate it but I can’t. I can’t. Which means it, something here, is real.

Basically I’m struggling very much with denial right now. I’ve suspected something dissociative for 5 years, and have shown signs since I was little, but I wasn’t supposed to be right. I don’t know what to do. Some of the ‘others’ are frustrated that I’m in denial... I don’t know how they can be sure and I am not, but I guess that’s part of the whole disorder.

Any advice is so so helpful. You all were so kind back when we first came here, and I think reaching out here is good and important, I’m just so so scared. Again, I hope it’s ok we’ve (I’ve?) come back here after so long. I just don’t know where else to turn. Thank you all so much.

- Wolf

wolf,

your not alone in this. you need to remember that the general public is taught to not believe in what REALLY goes on in our head. the need to be accepted by someone is so strong that those within us will need to come to terms on their own.

its not bad nor should you need to feel on the same page with the others until you feel comfortable for yourself. right now I am comfortable in my own skin but I have a group of people that are not willing to let the past go.

so like you and those within you I to have to wing it when it comes to the reality of others. Be safe and know your not alone.

Hi, a host in this system did that at first. Tried to replicate others. Tried to bring on that state of awareness that she had become aware of. She tried to bring on the feeling of other parts. We are like other people, we feel different, see things differently. You can not force yourself to do that. You can ask to speak to the others and for them to be present with you so you can get to know them. But you cannot become them. You personally are not becoming them when they take over. You are still you. You are separate. Once you can be present with them or become aware of being present with them you will get know how they feel in the body. You will feel more connected to them be able to more easily reach out to them but you still won't become them. The closest to that I guess would be integration of parts joining or you as a part joining with another part. That's down to how you proceed with this.

Much luck,
No-one

I'm glad you have a good T. That's one of the most important things you can do for yourselves. It sounds like she's really skilled and knowledgable, so that's great.

Denial is one of the most difficult things to deal with because it can interfere so much with progress. The fact that others are feeling trusting of your T and willing to talk to her is a good sign. I think it also bodes well that you're able to post here.

What we've done to deal with denial is allow that part to have their feelings, as long as they allow other parts to have their feelings. So whenever we get overwhelmed with denial, we let that part write about it in the journal. "There aren't PEOPLE in my head!! That's ridiculous!" Etc. And then everyone else gets to write about whatever they want. We don't bother contradicting that part--it's how they feel, and it's helping them somehow. As long as they're not stopping other parts from expressing themselves, then it's ok.

So if you're willing to post here, and to maybe let others post here, and you're going to therapy and letting others speak with the therapist, then you're doing all the right things. It's ok to be struggling with acceptance as long as you don't block the others from getting their needs met.

Thank you all for your kind words. Hearing I’m not alone and that what I’m expecting is common does help a lot.

I’m trying to start a paper journal, but finding it too overwhelming (it triggers denial for some reason). We’ve been using a Word document on the phone as a journal and that feels safer and better somehow (it’s also more convenient since we always have the phone nearby). I would like to eventually have a paper journal too though, for the inside kids to draw in and for anyone who doesn’t like the virtual journal...

It's ok to be struggling with acceptance as long as you don't block the others from getting their needs met.

The hard thing is our T has offered to answer texts from the others, especially the inside kids who could really use her help, but I’m so scared to let them. It feels like ... I don’t know. Fake almost, to let them? Maybe seeing their words is a trigger for denial, outside the relative safety of the journal? It’s one reason I’m hesitant to let anyone post here again - it’s scary to see words that I don’t identify as mine, I guess.

(We’ve compromised so far on the texting thing with ‘write down what you want to tell in the journal and we’ll pass it along to the t at next session’ since afaik the kids ‘arent around’/awake during our sessions).

- Wolf

companionwolf wrote:

It's ok to be struggling with acceptance as long as you don't block the others from getting their needs met.

The hard thing is our T has offered to answer texts from the others, especially the inside kids who could really use her help, but I’m so scared to let them. It feels like ... I don’t know. Fake almost, to let them? Maybe seeing their words is a trigger for denial, outside the relative safety of the journal? It’s one reason I’m hesitant to let anyone post here again - it’s scary to see words that I don’t identify as mine, I guess.

(We’ve compromised so far on the texting thing with ‘write down what you want to tell in the journal and we’ll pass it along to the t at next session’ since afaik the kids ‘arent around’/awake during our sessions).

- Wolf

Only you can know what you can handle without being overwhelmed, and one of the most important things is to go as slowly as you need to. Have you been talking with your T about why you're not letting the littles text with her? (It has helped ours SO much to have their own direct relationships with the T, but it felt very dangerous and scary at first.)

Talking about those fears and feelings of denial is probably the best way to ease their hold on you. The more you explore them and talk about the reasons for those feelings, the less distressed you might be about letting those other parts express themselves.

TheGangsAllHere wrote: Have you been talking with your T about why you're not letting the littles text with her? (It has helped ours SO much to have their own direct relationships with the T, but it felt very dangerous and scary at first.)

Talking about those fears and feelings of denial is probably the best way to ease their hold on you. The more you explore them and talk about the reasons for those feelings, the less distressed you might be about letting those other parts express themselves.

I haven’t talked about the reasons yet; I don’t think I really know why. I need to think about it a bit more (although I have a hunch it has to do with ‘if I accept it, then it means the bad stuff that happened was real’, but it probably is a bit more multi-faceted then just that) Maybe journaling will help? It can’t hurt to try I suppose.

- Wolf

Journaling sounds like a good idea to me. It has helped us a lot. It still does. You can either go with the random thoughts of the moment, or use journaling prompts (these are easy to find online through any search engine).

I wish you good luck with your self-exploration.

-X-