im new to the forums & wondering if anyone else feels this

hi im samuel aka sam, im 18 and im an alter. the host is 26.

i have been around for quite some time and we have bee in and out of therapy/psychiatry for a decade now. im usually the one putting out fires and dealing with the tough situations. up until now it's been like autopilot. we teach, and i do not act like myself at work bcos we cant have the students knowing about all of that, and with most people i do not express that im fronting or even say anything at all about our situation. theres another alter named tate who is the same way. i mean, hes wildly different from me lol but the same way in the sense that he wont express himself to just anyone. people just think our moods are erratic, but everyone who is close and needs to know about our situation knows about it.

i guess im writing because i feel alone. im a pretty upbeat person, like to think im mostly friendly (ill be the first to admit that when things go downhill i get pretty snippy pretty quick) and the problem is i have. No friends. ofc the host has friends, and that's great for him. sometimes his friends even pretend they are my friends lol. nice of them. but at the end of the day when im around i just kinda do my own thing and dont speak to anyone. it blows.

so i guess im wondering if anyone out there in the void im potentially speaking to feels this way? i really would love to connect with people who understand this really unique situation.

if you've made it thru this nonsensical chatter-- how do yall deal with this? what do i do? i put in all this work to keep things going and get no time to just socialize and Have Friends. i feel like a lonely loser.

anyway, my pms are open, and obvi im open to talking here, too. i dont know where else to go. Thank u for reading

hi and welcome to the forum,
this is actually a nice and supportive place for everyone.
I am a host in our system, so I am not in the same position as you, but my others are kind of similar.
they would never identify themselves to friends or tell people we switched. they just accept that we are this weird person who is sometimes more intellectual and sometimes more chilled and mouthy.
this forum is a place where the others know they can speak as themselves and meet people as themselves if they want to. that is very freeing. there are different Threads for certain age groups and roles, that is a good way to find other people to write with here. Some who might share more of their experience.

with this friend thing... it took us a while but some of us realized that our friends like us the way we are. even though they didn't realize what the shifts meant, they just liked all of it as their friend. So now some of us feel more free to be themselves around them, still not outing themselves, no need to, but knowing that they are meant as well when a friend says they like us.

this was a really nice message, thank u for taking the time to reply !! ^__^ i think going to a forum is a nice place to start.. from reading thru it everyone seems pretty nice and accepting and i think that is what i need right now. so thank u!! ♡

AJ in the Sunflower system has talked to me about how good it is to finally have a couple friends.

The good news in today's world is that you can make friends online that are into the same things you are without having to "out" yourself. There are forums and online hangouts for every hobby, so not just limited to DID specific places.

Hi Sam! Firstly, you're not a lonely loser. It's a problem that many of us with DID face.

Loneliness among our alters was one of the most painful aspects -- by far -- of our ongoing coping with having DID. The socializing our main host Johnny did and had done for years suddenly became painful as we realized how many of us were locked out of this opportunity and could only watch. We actually had to curtail our usual socializing because of that. We didn't have the type of friends, at least nearby, who would be comfortable with us being different alters.

Some people and relatives actually said "but I only feel comfortable talking to you," little knowing that the you they were referring to was already 3 or more of us. (We didn't know that either or would have said so). That hurt a lot, even though it may have been based on their ignorance and watching too many made-for-TV dramas about multiples, and we avoid or cut off contact with those "friends" now. An "accept me as I am or forget it" sort of thing.

At least one of my adopted son's alters, TK, started out making contacts and later friends in online groups about stuff he was interested in. Some of these groups tended to attract people who were socially awkward, insecure, and even damaged in various ways. Just the type of person who is likely, especially when they're young, to accept DID in someone they already consider a friend.

My son's main host Nic is friendly and socially comfortable but like our main work/social host, though exuding warmth, he tends to get only so close. It's TK who eventually started meeting these online friends in person, at conferences covering their mutual interests. Recently he's started hanging out with them socially and it's sad COVID-19 has come along at this moment to interrupt that development.

Lastly, and I don't recommend this without tremendous care and forethought, I've met two members of this forum in person, one of them being the teen whom I brought into my home and later adopted! This was, of course, after all of us had read many of each other's posts. Making friends who happen to have DID can be both wonderful, in that you both just get without judgment what's going on with each other, and risky, in that different alters may clash and just being around someone who switches can be destabilizing, especially if your system isn't quite stable.

Thread about my situation with my son and me: Persons with DID supporting each other. I include it because our journey is partly a result of the unbearable loneliness for many alters in my system.

Hey sam Welcome to the forums! If you'd like to talk in PMS I am definitely open to that.
We haven't really been doing much lately either. My extended family doesn't know the whole story about my condition but my parents and sister somewhat know what is going on. Unfortunately my mom isn't exactly comfortable with the "switching" part and she often tries to get me to resurface since she wants her daughter and not other people taking over. Of course there isn't really a "resurfacing" rather it is just me slipping back in to speak. Sorta like passing the torch onto the next person. We retain all our memories as a collective. It is really quite strange since I have never really experienced "trauma" in my life. So when I get into this sorta denial phase it makes things that much more difficult to really wrap my head around.

Recently we have realized that communication is really poor among us and the only ones that seem to be able to really speak are my protectors. But sometimes they don't wish to speak and it kinda makes me sad cause I get really concerned when they don't talk to me. I feel like they are ignoring me or don't like me anymore and don't want anything to do with me.
But then they reassure me that they indeed love and appreciate me and want to talk when they are available. It is hard to really get a grasp on who is speaking at times in my head. But I feel like I'm starting to get the mannerisms of each of them down. I'm sorta of still in denial right now cause this happens when I start focusing on my voices and they start reaching out to me.

I don't really have much advice other than to avoid triggers, communicate with your system and to always make sure that everyone is getting a chance to express their opinions. If there's any issues with anyone it makes the whole system fall apart. It's nice that your host has friends. I as the host also have many friends including some LGBTQ+ friends who are mostly transgender. If you are looking for a friend to speak to I'm your gal. I am quite understanding and listen to every little detail that people express when speaking to me. I don't want to be pushy but I'm sorta looking for people to talk to since I don't really have too many friends that can relate to my experiences. If you'd like to talk today that'd be wonderful!
-Maria (host)

I'm new here too. It is only when I am in contact with others like me that my past makes sense to to me. Take care and know we all understand each other from one degree to another.

Hi Sam,

Welcome to the forum. I'm a Teen too and not having my own friends totally sucks. I really appreciate everybody on the forum. We do it like birdsong - I mean we don't tell anybody. People that know Host just think he's kind of moody sometimes and can act kind of younger. That's really just us coming forward when it's safe. It's complicated staying safe.

Iain

Hi Samuel,

As a teenager I had many groups of friends that didn't mic as they were very different types of people. I discovered in psychotherapy about 12 years ago that I have parts and this made sense of that. How I could one day be sitting with intellectual people playing board games, the next in a stolen car with joy riders and then out drinking with party girls.

By that time I had only one group of friends, the sensible ones, because by then I was a mother. In therapy I decided to re-align my life so as I got to know parts of myself they all needed different things from friendship. I went on a 4 year quest to find people that fitted with everyone's needs: could be sensible and eat nice food, could go out partying, has children so also can do days out, is reasonably intelligent to have conversations with etc it took around 4 years but I found 2 great friends and was friends with them for around 6 years. They didn't like my now ex bf and stopped talking to me. He frightened both of them. One for no particular reason and the other one because he basically threatened her. However as a person she is very firery and at the time I could see his point of view although now I look back and realise I was sucked in by yet another abusive character.

So I'm not going out of my way like that again, to spend years looking for people who suit everyone in the system. I have people I know, I can meet and go out with but they aren't anyone in the systems particular friend or an overall friend. After loosing those two friends that it took so long to find I was as individuals and as a whole completely devastated. I would go through periods of grief over the loss, things would trigger it, different parts would morn. I do not want to go through that again.

I am social but not in depth in any friendships now because of this. Maybe in time but not at the moment. People that suit you as an overall system don't just fall out of the sky and it was fantastic to have them as friends but I would rather avoid the loss again.

That said I don't feel particularly lonely.

I hope you find some friends and start to have what you need in outside relationships.

Much luck