Advice on Acceptance and Working With Alters' Needs

Hi guys! Evan here.

So, recently I realized I'm not being fair with everyone. Generally, everyone stays in the inner world, only a few frequently come out. I'm concerned I'm not doing enough, as host and gatekeeper and everything, to meet everyone's needs. Basically I fear I'm being selfish.

This mostly centers around one of us being very upset about the relationship we're in. She really wants to go out and date and everything though I just don't think it's a good idea. The body is younger than her, and I and I believe others agree that we should be with one partner. Having everyone with someone different would get messy quick, and probably hurt the people we're with.

She wants me to leave him. I don't think I can. I'm quite scared to. I want to make everyone happy, she's not the only one who doesn't like him. I don't know how to be fair in this situation.

I also keep wishing we could all just be one, just one person in the body. I know it's not gonna happen and that kind of thinking is going to cause more harm. The switching, when I can notice it and co-conscious controlling and such is very messy a lot, especially with the littles.

I also would like to work with everyone more, form better communication, and learn how to really accept that we are all truly here. I was thinking starting a set routine, so that way the body would be better taken care of at least. I definitely think everyone journaling more would help, too.

What are ways I can help everyone out and form better communication? Honestly I hate that they're upset in this situation, I want them to feel safe and happy. What are some ways I can do this?

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you guys <3

I think it is a myth that everyone needs to front to get their needs met and have their own life. more switches isn't always the solution, especially if you seem to have to force them.
I also think that it would be a good idea to stop trying to please everyone cause you will drive yourself insane trying and it will never work.
its not about everyone getting their special needs met. it can be sometimes, but in huge areas it is about keeping a balance that sucks for everyone but it still sucks less than other option. talk about your core values. if your core value is being faithful in one relationship that your options are having this one, another one or none at all. set limits to individual wishes, otherwise your life will start turning into something you never wanted.
and make sure you are not trying to start 5 projects of improving things for the system all at once. that is not how it works. pick one, say comminucation through journaling, then do it.

birdsong87 wrote:I think it is a myth that everyone needs to front to get their needs met and have their own life. more switches isn't always the solution, especially if you seem to have to force them.
I also think that it would be a good idea to stop trying to please everyone cause you will drive yourself insane trying and it will never work.
its not about everyone getting their special needs met. it can be sometimes, but in huge areas it is about keeping a balance that sucks for everyone but it still sucks less than other option. talk about your core values. if your core value is being faithful in one relationship that your options are having this one, another one or none at all. set limits to individual wishes, otherwise your life will start turning into something you never wanted.
and make sure you are not trying to start 5 projects of improving things for the system all at once. that is not how it works. pick one, say comminucation through journaling, then do it.

Thank you for this. I guess I have a tendency for wanting to make everyone happy and keep things 100% peaceful. A lot of people talk about how alters need to have their own life in the outside world and I guess it got me worried I wasn't being fair. I'll start journaling again, it's part of the routine but I'll start the routine up more slowly, piece by piece instead of all at once. Thank you again <3

Asti, we really needed to hear this. Thank you.

Evan, we hope you work out a balance that's helpful for your entire system.

MDs

different systems work differently. for some it is helpful when parts can have corrective experiences in the present while they are fronting. So they can experience that it is safe now. and that they can do things they were not allowed during trauma time.
these experiences are usually not what every-day life is made of. the parts responsible for functioning as an adult need time to function. there is not enough time, energy or other personal resources to give everyone their own life. DID is not about different parts having different lives. it is about figuring out how to have a life together.
the meets of inside parts can be met when they join the fronting part in daily tasks, there isn't always a need to front for that. Don't know about your system but a lot of switching gives us headaches and leaves us confused.
you figure out how to do you. if it turns out you switch more to give others time for something, good. if it turns out that being co-con is fine and already meets the needs, fine. but don't try to make your DID look like someone elses, that pretty much never works.