I don’t know what I am doing.

I....really just need advice. I’m 27 yr old female.

I have not been diagnosed with DID. I did have a therapist tell me she thought I was Bipolar due to being bullied in school. Which didn’t fit what was going on and the meds didn’t do anything but make me feel worse. I quit going after she basically told me I was being a moody teenager. And haven’t been back to therapy for 10 yrs until recently.

Having said that about a month and a half ago. I decided that I needed help figuring out why I couldn’t get my life figured out. I didn’t want to self diagnose but after I felt like a therapist wasn’t understanding what I was trying to explain I felt like I needed to find words to express myself better. . Online therapy because I can’t afford in person therapy.

I am slingshotting back and forth between believing I have DID and not. I do have voices in my head that seem to help me out when I get stressed. I’ve even gone from I can’t do this to suddenly feeling like my body is doing it without me while I watch. I’m talking to myself more and keeping a journal and weirdly enough it seems to be helping me stay more mentally aware. But I also know that I will space out. And it’s worse when I start to think about what I believe are some of my alters. But I also know that I have a very vivid imagination and don’t want to be making myself believe something that isn’t there in a desperate attempt to “fix myself”

I started to meditate at night which is something I e done on and off for years because it helps me sleep. But during it I’m now trying to reach out to alters.
I have the feeling that I’m not allowed in the inner world. And that an alter named asheron is the one who manages this and is responsible for keeping me out and others in. He is the first and only alter I could actually see when I closed my eyes. The others feel like they are here with me and I can feel things they feel or hear them but I can’t see them. Asheron is a name I had forgotten but a name I had used for a character in a book I was writing as a kid. Which I unfortunately can’t find.

I do have huge chunks of my life that I don’t remember or feel like I remember pieces of but not all of. I can’t remember my graduation but I remember the capitals of all the states. CAnt remember stories my mom tells me about my childhood. But will have a dream or daydream about it later like she just reminded me of something. I don’t do anything but work and stay home. And have no friends or anything because I’m to nervous to make them. And I don’t share my emotions with my family so I don’t really know how to keep track of if I actually fully switch out on a regular basis. And I avoid stressful situations and kind of live in a haze where I bounce between going through the motions and having moments of how did I get here. And why doesn’t my life feel right.

I guess I need advice on how to proceed. I know no one here can diagnose me. But How do I move forward if I’m not sure but think I might have DID. What advise would you give. Sorry so long.

Your writing reminded me of myself 20 years ago. I went back to not paying any attention and looked at every other mental health issues till I had psychotherapy. That I know something is wrong and the disorders I'm labelled or reading about do not sit right. I didn't know about Dissociation till I was in therapy so I was looking at everything else, there wasn't alot about dissociation I could find 20 years ago but I wasn't looking I guess, I was looking for "what's wrong with me" I knew I wasn't schitzophrenic. I'm labelled with bipolar now, I know I'm not bipolar, I went to a group for it this week and nothing any of them said resonated. If my diagnosis changes to PTSD, the NHS doesn't diagnose dissociation and I'd have to wait for over a year and only if my council will fund it, then I only get 3 months support. With bipolar I get 2 years support. So me and psychiatrist agreed I just stick with bipolar but he's applied to send me to the dissociative clinic and he has put me on a waiting list for trauma therapy because he said he doesn't see why I can't have bipolar and need trauma therapy too. He's very good really because he can only work with what he has availabile.

I would say don't slip back to ignoring it and seek professional help.

Hi Ashe42,

You're working hard to make things better. Journaling and meditating and talking inside are great to do. Lots of us had to learn a lot about what we DIDN'T have before we figured out we were DID. Keep getting professional help.

For a long time Host didn't think he was DID. But he saw that the things DID people do to get better - journaling and therapy and internal cooperation - were really helping HIS life get better. So finally he relaxed and just went with it.

Iain

Thank you guys. I had a particularly rough day of self doubt and decided to video tape myself meditating. During the meditation I offered to let one of the alters come and say hi. I felt like someone was with me. And could see some mannerisms change but then I felt a different alter come forward and it was actually the first time I was kind of scared.

I call the alter Giggles because usually it’s the alter I feel when I suddenly feel giggly for no reason. But this time was different. I felt us lay down and was watching out of my eyes but it was more distorted. The part that scared me was that I couldn’t snap back to control and I couldn’t talk. Plus I had the time wrong. It’s crazy to watch myself on film and realize that what felt like 5 mins was actually 20. 20 mins that I couldn’t move or talk. It was just me and giggles staring at the camera. And cuddling the little stuffed panda I brought with us to grandmas. From our brief talks I feel like she is upset because we don’t have one of her two stuffed animals here but I can’t bring one and am not entirely sure where the other is.

What felt so different besides not being able to talk was that I usually feel some what In control when I co con. If I feel like I’m going to pass out or like I’m just to tired to keep working I have an alter come forward that will take control of my hands and get the work done. He is also the one that reminds us to drink. I hear his voice telling me to drink a lot while at work. Or my hand will suddenly be grabbing a water bottle. Or eating something because I don’t always notice when we get hungry. I’m usually really good at avoiding stress as all I do is work and sleep. I really only go shopping at night so there aren’t tons of people. And oddly and weirdly the dark doesn’t bother me. I’m scared of storms but not the dark. I think the added stress is just adding to the situation. I don’t remember about an hour of work today but I still got everything done and got to leave early.

On a good note. I feel like despite the stress I’m in general more happy. I’m trying to allot some time every night to asking what an alter needs or wants. And it seems to helping in general despite the stress.

I do have an awkward question and kind of personal question. The body and I are female. One of the alters is male. He is the hard working one who reminds us to drink. I think his name is Kyle but we don’t actually talk much. What I have managed to get from him is that he avoids mirrors and that he feels very uncomfortable during the monthly curse lol. Do any male alters in female bodies have any advice that might make it easier on him. He does the most that I’m consciously aware of but I can actually feel his discomfort. And his reluctance to co con during this time. But there are times like today where he was forced out because we had to go grocery shopping in the middle of the day and it was packed. But we were out of water and my grandma needed some things. So between stressing and some heavy lifting on an empty stomach he popped out to get us out of there quicker. I felt his frustration as I took my “copilot” seat.

Ashe42 wrote:I’m trying to allot some time every night to asking what an alter needs or wants. And it seems to helping in general despite the stress.

This is a really good thing to do. Just checking in with everyone and hearing them is important.

For someone who thinks they don't know what they're doing, you're doing pretty well!

We have some inside kids who are male, and one older teen/young adult male who does a lot inside (like taking care of all the babies and toddlers), and he handles driving, and some other outside stuff. His name is Darren.

The only advice I have about dysphoria is that it helps if you take time to understand others' feelings, and try to do activities that they like so they can feel like this life belongs to them also, even if the body doesn't fit.

Tysm!! Im just nervous. Lol. But today with the extra stress. I’m having a really hard time not dissociating. My town is going crazy with the fear of Coronavirus. And people are acting dumb. I’m staying with my grandma and don’t want to make her sick. So between extra people and the stress with my grandma and my family counting on me to not make her sick despite working in the public I can’t seem to stay with it or focused at all.

Hi Ashe42,

You're doing great. It's important to have things that Littles use to comfort themselves like stuffies. They're super important to the Littles and if you lose one it's kind of a big deal. But they work pretty good.

Dysphoria is a real thing. We have some people inside that have trouble with the body because it's too old or too male or too big or too wrong. We've found that getting something they like to wear really helps. We have some bracelets we wear on the weekend for Cody and a couple of t-shirts the Littles like and Colin has his favorite hat. It's not big stuff - and doesn't scream we're crazy! - we just wear them when we can and people feel better.

Iain

Ty I’ll have to find out what he likes. I know he likes our work clothes. And I tend to dress very Tom boyish anyway which I think is because he comes out the most. Since shopping is stressful for me. But I’ll have to look for a necklace or bracelet to wear.

This may sound too simple. Maybe I'm a simple person. How we veiw it is "you can be whatever you want internally. Externally you are what you are. Get used to it."

I don't actually mind when whoever has had the body has made some kind of effort, even if it's a skirt or dress - Scots wore Kilts, Arabs - that's how I got round it at first. And then "clothes are just a social construct" (the twins words). But when I'm in a kebab shop on a Friday with no bra wearing a pink jumper and tatty tracksuit bottoms I'm like "really. This is how you expect me to be seen in public. Thanks" I don't like it. But everyone is different, has their own way of coping.

If you accept everyone of your system has lived like this and dealt with it however they deal with it since they found themselves existing then you realise it's manageable.

I used to literally show up to get drunk and hit someone round the face. That was it. My sole outside existence. I've grown as a person, which perhaps shouldn't be possible? I don't know, should I just have that one function? Regardless I don't just have that one function, drink and fight. I do other stuff now too but I wouldn't be able to if I didn't get to grips with "I'm a woman and I'm wearing a dress" It was step by step though. Accepting that most gender ideas are a social construct helped alot and clothes do not maketh the man/woman even if part of your clothes is a whole body you happen to live in.

Much Luck,

Patrick

Your post reminded me of this topic about dysphoria that was really useful to us and I think a lot of other people, so I'll leave it here to answer one of your questions: https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic214497.html.

This said, we understand that it's scary to not be able to enter your inner world and not know who the others are. I too came out fully for the first time in meditation (host also thought I was a subpersonality), and at that time I was also not understanding what was going on. I just knew I needed to protect the mind from emotions and pain. The rest of the story is too long to tell and I don't think you would need it, but just know that knowing the others and starting to work together is usually not easy. Have patience and give it time. If you know two of the others by now, work with them to better communication. The others will show themselves when they'll be ready, or when your mind itself will be. Good luck.