Question: not all abused people become abusers

All abusers have been abused but not all abused people become abusers. (This is what a therapist said to me years ago, she was referring to statistics).

How much do you think DID has played a part in this for you?

I'm not sure quite what the question means but I don't think that all abusers were once abused. Probably most of them were, but some people are just born with little or no ability to control bad impulses and if you combine that with a lowered concern about consequences of one's actions, you get people doing things which the vast majority of humans throughout history has labeled criminal. I realize your therapist was trying to make a point but I don't think the picture is so simple.

To my knowledge, no one in my system has ever physically abused anyone but both parents had DID and were abusers. There's lots of evidence both of them were abused as children as well. We've done what some people might label verbal abuse here and there, I don't really know what qualifies, but a couple of us have been pretty free with biting putdowns and general meanness when they're triggered. We're moving away from that though it could still come in handy sometime.

The question for me stemmed from remembering that statement and then thinking both of my parents must have been abused. I know my mother was because my grandmother told me but I don't think my father was but I have no way to know that for sure but then I thought he must be.

I think it was partly in a way to make excuses for them but then on the other hand I wouldn't consider it an excuse from anyone else including myself. I too can say verbally abusive stuff and have had moments of violence both of these I worked on but I think they're still there just more controlled. I was horrified when I hit an ex and took myself to classes.

Then I thought without the DID would I have been abusive like my parents? Did the DID save me from that? There's no way to know. But I wondered.

Sarandipity wrote:All abusers have been abused but not all abused people become abusers. (This is what a therapist said to me years ago, she was referring to statistics).

How much do you think DID has played a part in this for you?

I don't disagree entirely. I think most, if not all, abusers have been wounded or hurt somehow- which could be classified as abuse, sure.

And I absolutely agree that NOT all abused become abusers. Many of US here are good examples of that- most of us don't actively hurt other people. But that could be b/c we, by nature of DID, hid it from ourselves and internalize it. How many of us can HONESTLY say we aren't self-destructive or self-harming in SOME capacity?! I can't. I know we've sabotaged things on us, some part of our system has done things to hurt or hinder (even mundane and/or trivial things like progress in social games) ourselves... or worse, physically hurt ourselves.

For a few months (since about Sept when the nightmares have begun to get more intense and frequent), we've had cuts appearing (mostly on the calves). Nothing serious, but irritating, painful, and a constant present reminder of inner pain and suffering, of inner hurt. And they leave scars that last weeks or months- nothing deep or dire, but dark marks on the skin... streaks unmistakable as to what they are caused by.
Clearly that COULD be abusive activity OUTWARD... but instead we have it directed inward- at our self.

Also, while I DO agree most (if not all) abusers have been hurt or wounded somehow... MOST choose what they do. It's not always so conscious, maybe, but it's NEVER an action without choice, without a means to prevent it, avoid it, or work to end it. We need to be careful to NOT let that "past damage/abuse" become a crutch or excuse to say "well it's understandable" as if that made it acceptable. We might get better understanding of WHY they do it, but that NEVER makes it ok. Ultimately it is ALWAYS our responsibility to NOT do evil and destructive actions to others- abuse/damage in our past or not.

Completely agree it's a choice. I said that to the abusive woman in the support group and she went mental because that's what I kept saying to her years ago from the group I was in when I met het which is how I know she's abusive. I literally said "it's a choice" and she went schitz. Then I wasn't there for a few weeks, she told them all herself that she deliberately dropped her own baby on its head, had been using other peoples stories of abuse and thought they'd feel sorry for her because she was abused. They didn't. She's not in the group anymore, everyone lost it apparently. But totally agree it's a choice.

Paul and Pat (Pat is a chatter box but he can't type so I'm typing but it's him wanting to say all this just in case people think it's me that goes off on a tangent. Literally all I wanted to say was I completely agree it's a choice and no sympathy or allowances are deserved).... Oh God.. not that it stops people, including our host and a few other alters making allowances for bully abuse prick bastards. Probably need to vent.