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by MeMyselfMaureen » Mon Feb 03, 2020 9:47 pm
Everyone else's problems were always bigger than mine. Always more pressing.
I'm the protector.
I'm not meant to have problems.
I'm not ment to be harbouring my own trauma.
So I never talked about the one thing that should have been talked about.
The one thing that stops me from doing my job.
Without waring.
Freya Cowin.
Freya was my best friend. My only friend. She was fat and arthritic. She chain smoked and drank hevaly to dull the pain she was in. To forget about the disabled mother she had to look after.
No one at school knew about freya's home life.
I knew. I would go round to her house to escape my mother and we would go to her bedroom to escape hers.
For maybe 10 minuets we could play packman or supermario and forget she wasn't a normal kid.
when she was 11 she killed her self.
I should have seen it. I should have been there. She had sent me postcards during the school holidays and I never replied. When the holidays were over I rang her house tto check she was ok. Her dad said she had been taken into care.
I rang the care home. They said she had committed suicide.
There was a package for me but I never collected it. That would mean telling my parents.
I never asked myself why my friend would start sending me post cards when we lived 2 streets away.
If I had just writen to hear. If she hadn't felt so alone maybe she would still be here .
I should have seen.
MY whole reason for existing was to stop the constant suicide attempts of my "head twin"
I should have seen.
I didnt want to see.
I wanted freya to be strong.
Because if she was strong then I could be to.
So I talked myself into believing her macho act.
I abandoned my only friend in her hour of need because I didnt want there to be anything wrong.
I ignored her.
She is dead because of me.
Because I wasn't there for her.
Mo
Last edited by
Johnny-Jack on Mon Feb 03, 2020 10:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: expanded title, spelled out Trigger Warning
just Peter now cos the others all hidin
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MeMyselfMaureen
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by Rive » Mon Feb 03, 2020 10:36 pm
It was not your fault. You were dealing the best way you could with your own stuff. You were just a child and children are never to blame. Certainly not in this situation and NEVER because their brains are not fully developed. They don't have the ability to deal with things like adults do and certainly not to be able to take someone else's stuff on. Please don't blame yourself.
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by IainEtc » Tue Feb 04, 2020 12:41 pm
Hang in there Mo. I'm a Protector too and you just told my worst nightmare. I know what it's like trying not to miss ANYTHING EVER. Keep it ALL safe. The truth is we just can't do it. People get hurt no matter how hard we try. It's not because of you.
Colin
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, & Host - the adult out front
When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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by Amythyst » Tue Feb 04, 2020 2:32 pm
Hey Mo,
It's not your fault. You didn't know. You aren't responsible for other people's actions.
I know that's not how it feels. I'm sorry.
Viola
Ciara(10f); Em(22f); Teg(6f); Vanessa(13f); Viola(17f); et multa magis
DID, general anxiety; previously depression, bipolar. • (New) Journey Thread
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by Jorili123 » Mon Feb 10, 2020 5:14 pm
Hi I am shaking Not yet crying
When at the store one day I noticed the self check out lane.
I realized that there is a self check out lane in life
TW I entered this lane several times during my life but did not stay in it. Maybe somebody was holding my hand. Hand in hand we walk this journey. Sometimes it is an insider, sometimes an outsider. Several years ago (three) my daughter entered that lane and no one was holding her hand (now I am crying). Just shy of her 36th BDay. Sometimes (and I believe this) people let go of peoples hands and hearts. Some times the self check lane is the only way out. It is not our fault. We are not to blame. The real problem (now I am really crying) for me is that I have been in that lane and have regretted getting out of it.
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