Looking for advice from people living with DID

Hi there,
First time poster here.
I was diagnosed with DID 3 years ago. I have been working with my therapist closely, but feel like I need some more advice/feedback from people with lived experiences.


I’m currently having a problem that I would like some advice on if anyone has any. I’m noticing that 2 of my personalities feel different about my partner of 15 years. They cheated on me about 5 years ago, and although we have healed and moved past it, someone still very much hold the betrayal against them. It would almost appear that they are trying to sabotage my relationship. It’s quite frustrating and confronting, as the last thing I want is for this relationship to break down. They are my rock and when that personality is not there, I love them so much and care for them just as much. When I’m triggered into the personality that doesn’t trust my partner, it’s also very tiring for them as well as we just seem to go over the same things, even though we have worked through these issues.



Any feedback that you have, that would be great.



Thanks again.

Hi,

Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to talk and is really safe. My name's Iain and I'm a 14 year old boy inside an old guy. When Host has relationships it gets seriously complicated because we ALL have feelings about it. Lots of times we get triggered in an argument and switch so we're not there when things get fixed. Then it's like it never did! We just remember the fight and how much it hurt and not that they said they're sorry or anything. Next time we're out we're still mad and the other person is like 'Huh???' Co-consciousness helps a TON and working it out with everybody who cares because the feelings don't go away just because we're not out front.

Hope this helps.

Iain

Maybe your system sees it as safer to keep one part of you not trusting him, not forgiving him because he deeply betrayed you? So while other parts enjoy a close trusting relationship again that one part holds all the negative emotions and constantly remembers he is capable of hurting you. It's that part that is suffering so the rest of you are not. Some people do not forgive infidelity and do end the relationship regardless of how the relationship is because infidelity is too much of a betrayal to cope with. You have all that in one part and your relationship is otherwise ok.

It's pretty normal for singletons in your position to hold on to at least a sliver of distrust over past cheating by a partner. That's just human. The person who hurt you theoretically could hurt you again, in the same or another way, and it's not possible to simply forget what happened.

The easiest way to move forward is by communicating with this alter. We have a situation that has some parallels, though it's with our adopted son, who also has DID. Our alter Ulric takes over when someone close to us, in this case our son, is perceived to be hurting us in some way, especially if we've told them what would hurt us. Feelings of betrayal are very strong triggers for us and used to cause Ulric to front for days to ensure we had little or no interaction with whoever hurt us.

The flip side of this for us is that John's tendency has been to forgive quickly, which achieves harmony in the short run but leaves the problem causing the original rift not fully resolved--and more likely to recur. It took a lot of communication to bring John and Ulric together so that we weren't stuck in either extreme. John allows Ulric to put stronger boundaries and expectations into place and Ulric lets John do the negotiations to shore them up.

Ulric is self-aware now that his reactions are extreme, not healing, and unnecessarily painful for both him and our system. He's also aware that the strength behind the feelings of betrayal should not be pinned on our son, who is not the original cause, no matter what the "bad" behavior is.

Do you see any value in not completely forgetting what happened? Moving forward to something better, as you have, yet not forgetting? If so, you may want to start with a thank you to that alter. If you feel there were things you did as a system that contributed to what your partner did, you should probably include that too, it's part of the whole picture. Expressing genuine appreciation for each other in our system always helps us be more willing to listen to the other side.

Over time, this has moved us into greater alignment. I suggest it probably won't be a matter of that alter simply giving up their point of view. There are unresolved emotions that need to be addressed, even honored, even if those are powered by betrayals that happened long ago and didn't involve your partner.

UGH to the complications DID brings to relationships.

My friends / kids are very secretive about their DID. Very few people know.

My friend has a long-term romantic partner who can't stand me. I can't stand her. We are both jealous of the time the other gets to spend with the people we love. We've tried spending time together, the 3 of us. It is AWKWARD and forced. I'd rather get a spinal tap than be around this person.

This partner had my friend and the body all to herself for many years. Then a year ago "my kids" all woke up, we met, and I gradually entered the picture as their mommy. She has 5% come to terms with this, but 95% is a brat about my involvement in their lives.

Now......I've begun dating someone in the system. But we have to be sneaky because my friend's partner would NEVER be okay with our relationship.

It's hard being a secret mom to secret kids, a secret girlfriend to a secret boyfriend, even a secret much-closer-friend than the partner realizes. It's totally worth it, but UGH!

HeartMomtoDID wrote:

Now......I've begun dating someone in the system. But we have to be sneaky because my friend's partner would NEVER be okay with our relationship.

HeartMom did you and your husband break up?

MeMyselfMaureen wrote:

HeartMomtoDID wrote:

Now......I've begun dating someone in the system. But we have to be sneaky because my friend's partner would NEVER be okay with our relationship.

HeartMom did you and your husband break up?

Or does he know about it and it's ok with him?

And either way, now your friend is cheating on her longterm partner, with you. They've had a longterm relationship for many years, you said, so that's a very important person in her life and a source of stability.

Until now, all the things you've talked about regarding your relationship with this system seemed to have their best interests at heart, but it doesn't sound like it now. How could a "sneaky" relationship with one of the parts, potentially destroying (or at least seriously damaging) her longterm relationship with her partner, possibly be beneficial to this system?

HeartMomtoDID wrote:UGH to the complications DID brings to relationships.

My friends / kids are very secretive about their DID. Very few people know.

My friend has a long-term romantic partner who can't stand me. I can't stand her. We are both jealous of the time the other gets to spend with the people we love. We've tried spending time together, the 3 of us. It is AWKWARD and forced. I'd rather get a spinal tap than be around this person.

This partner had my friend and the body all to herself for many years. Then a year ago "my kids" all woke up, we met, and I gradually entered the picture as their mommy. She has 5% come to terms with this, but 95% is a brat about my involvement in their lives.

Now......I've begun dating someone in the system. But we have to be sneaky because my friend's partner would NEVER be okay with our relationship.

It's hard being a secret mom to secret kids, a secret girlfriend to a secret boyfriend, even a secret much-closer-friend than the partner realizes. It's totally worth it, but UGH!

This does not sound good.

HeartMomtoDID wrote:UGH to the complications DID brings to relationships.

My friends / kids are very secretive about their DID. Very few people know.

My friend has a long-term romantic partner who can't stand me. I can't stand her. We are both jealous of the time the other gets to spend with the people we love. We've tried spending time together, the 3 of us. It is AWKWARD and forced. I'd rather get a spinal tap than be around this person.

This partner had my friend and the body all to herself for many years. Then a year ago "my kids" all woke up, we met, and I gradually entered the picture as their mommy. She has 5% come to terms with this, but 95% is a brat about my involvement in their lives.

Now......I've begun dating someone in the system. But we have to be sneaky because my friend's partner would NEVER be okay with our relationship.

It's hard being a secret mom to secret kids, a secret girlfriend to a secret boyfriend, even a secret much-closer-friend than the partner realizes. It's totally worth it, but UGH!

The twins wanted to find a bf that could also be a father figure to Mandy. This is messed up but we were not cheating or asking anyone else to cheat and the whole system knew. Rose tried to provide a womanly side to the relationship but the sex side got over complicated. It's been worse without Rose or Karen, sex is dying alot.

Your friends system may be different but our system does not cope well with lies. Whether it's lies to other people or lies to eachother. When so much stuff is necessarily hidden to be able to function adding an unnecessary layer of deception adds so much pressure and causes instability. I don't think this is safe at all aside from partners being unaware it's detrimental to the system - it would be to ours, I dunno about your friends but it does seem inflammatory.

Ok I've just had a serious creep out moment so if I'm WAAYYY off the mark .....

HeartMom is your friend/kids you?

I mean could they be your alters? Internal world stuff?

I'm just thinking back to how you had a T to talk about your friend..... in the UK you would never get ANY medical profesional to talk about somebody else. Then after ages of texting your kids you discover they are inside your friend and then you bring the friend to your T and she backs off not wanting to deal with the friend you have been talking about all this time. You spent a lot of time in hospital with your friend going into therapy sessions with her. Again in the UK that's not allowed.
Now you are VERY involved in your friend/kids life.

Part of me is wondering is your friend your alter? If your T was pro "main personality" intergration like Zor/pixie's that would make sense of the T's reaction. Going from talking about these people in third person to suddenly having friend front would seem like a step backwards. Insisting on only dealing with you not your friend about your friends issues sounds a lot like what Zor's T was saying about angel and how Zor should know and talk about angels problems.

If I'm wrong I apologise but it is something to think about.

Have any of your work mates actually seen the two of you together? After you came home without your adopted son did your husband ever meet your friend? Do you have any tangeble proof that the 2 of you are physicaly different people?

If I am right and you are all part of the same system look on the bright side it means with a little reworking of the inner world you and your kids might actually be able to sit down for that big family meal together.....