Our partner

Our system updates

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: Violarules, Johnny-Jack

Our system updates

Postby SystemFlo » Fri Jan 03, 2020 5:29 pm

There's changes in the system, and I didn't know where to inform about stuff I felt I want to explain, so now it's here. We're under changing process.

1. I think Lucas went to change. So, he won't be answering now, sorry for everyone who is waiting. I don't know what will happen. I don't think it's anything big, I think they'll erase their relationship between Sami and Lucas like it would've never happened, there's new "how all happened" things and according to them, they never were a couple, but I think those "new memories" are there only to explain things somehow.. way it makes sense in inner world now, and they're about to change later again, when we know where everyone is and how things are. Basically that means when Lucas is ready, right now he doesn't exist in the Forget world where they live in.

We do that sometimes, erase things, but it's getting harder.. they don't just forget what used to be, like they did before, we could erase things easily from inner world, their memories and put new ones in. But they're more aware now, they know when things are NOT how they used to be and I think Forget world is about to fall apart at some point because of that.

I have several concerns tho, about Lucas' recreation, but they're maybe things to write about later. I don't think he's gonna go thru full re-creation and come out like he's someone totally new, I think it's because he needs to find where he stands in with religious stuff and I'm not surprised if he'll be straight. I think it's also because dynamics are changing, because..

2. ..Jules is back being 14, and that means Sami will be with him. It's safety thing I think, that's how I view it nowadays. They've been together since forever, sometimes something else is up and things change for awhile, but it's not a big surprise to me this happened.

Trigger warning, sexual stuff mentioned, no abuse Reason why I think it's safety thing and about system too, not just about them, is because it seems that basically Jules needs someone safe to be sexual with, and that'll keep him safe and sane and keeps him from wanting bad things from outside too. I don't know is it the best possible way to deal with emotions, but it's the best one he has now.

He grew to be 14 awhile ago, but at first it seemed like he only had one host and one ANP, and all the other teen parts who are able to do stuff on their own were still missing, like they were missing when he was 11. But now there's teen parts rushing in, they had pretty, uhmm.. let's say rough and intense reunion with Sami yesterday?? or day before it?? There's lots of hurt feelings and guilt and hardships between Sami and Jules, but also crazy physical attraction. When things are too hard to talk about because of too much emotions, they just, they don't. They don't talk, they rather get physical and no, they didn't fight. They were too close to outside tho, both inside and outside, and broke my headset and stuff, but for them it was worth one headset. And things happen, they didn't mean to break anything. Didn't care if something breaks either tho, but we already bought new one, so that's past and we moved on.
Trigger warning ends

They also do have feelings for each other and always will. When Sami and Lucas were together they had a rule to not be jealous about Jules, they both have a soft spot for him. (Thumbs up for them, when Lucas fist appeared and all dynamics changed then, it went to a point where they all ended up suicidal. Now they just decide not to be jealous about things that could hurt a lot. They understand they would feel exact same way if they could change places with each other.)

3. I'll call Jules Fourteen again, because so many parts in their system don't identify with names. Fourteen is kind of like a system name for them, I think it's better than any name that someone feels is theirs and others feel is not theirs, although they're not keen to have own names now either.
Flor F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) system manager, defender
Lucas M 16 balancer, socializer, self care
Leon M 4
Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder, DID (ca 20 parts age 3-16):
- random M teen
User avatar
SystemFlo
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1133
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Sun Jan 26, 2020 1:21 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Our system updates

Postby Sarandipity » Fri Jan 03, 2020 6:37 pm

Was missing Lucas. Seemed like a good guy to connect with. Thanks for letting us know what's going on, No-one PS. Maybe he is sad to loose Sami?
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1541
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 11:21 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: Our system updates

Postby SystemFlo » Fri Jan 03, 2020 10:24 pm

New memory Sami created was about him loving Lucas, but they were just friends. Bit more than just that, because they both had feelings for each other, but it was religious stuff that made it impossible. Lucas was still in the community and living with his parents, and leaving just like that was just way too much. It was not the final answer from Lucas, just where he was then. Lucas is mostly straight, but not all the way. And he had something with Sami going on in there, but nothing physical. And it was Sami who was really broken.

They fought, because Lucas had said he'd be ready to get married and have a family and he wants a big family too like his parent have. But then said he was not ready to have so big commitment than it would be, if he'd leave from his family just to be with Sami, that he's too young to leave and be alone like that, because teenage relationships don't usually last that long. And he doesn't wanna throw his whole life out of window for Sami, only to realize it didn't work.

Trigger warning for religionSami said Lucas could always go back to his community by asking for forgiveness, which is true, it's the biggest thing in the community, asking and receiving forgiveness for things you've done wrong. But Lucas said he's not going to be with Sami as long as he feels it is something to ask forgiveness for. Which I understand, Lucas is not hypocrite. If he's gonna be with another guy, he does that only when he fully believes there's nothing wrong in that. It's just not easy sacrifice so much and make so big decisions so fast.. Trigger warning ends He didn't say they can't ever be together, but just not now. And that it may not be fair to keep Sami there waiting for something that may never come. It is a huge thing to ask someone leave their family to be with you, and basically leave everything Lucas knows, he has not lived outside the community in this ..what ever this thing is, memory, story, IDK.

Lucas was really sad too, his conscience is so.. he felt guilty for the fact Sami had feelings for him. He felt responsible about that and about how he's hurting. He left, Sami knew it would be so hard to be friends with someone you really want and love, but not be able to touch, and watch them fall in with someone else. But he just wanted to be close to Lucas and he just couldn't say he doesn't wanna see him again, although it would be easier that way.

Sami was left with broken heart when Lucas walked away after their fight. He has always loved one song and he listened to it and just cried for hours. First time the lyrics really fit in his life and song made perfect sense.. or not about what he has now but how he view his future.

It's not in English, and translations I found were not good.. it's hard to translate things that are bit poetic, because you either lose the meaning, the double meaning, poetic things or symbolism, some things can't be translated, and I'm not gonna give a lecture what things mean in our culture. However, the lyrics are still kind of simple, it just sounds like it makes more sense in our language and sounds prettier or something. "You leave me / and I'm just skiing / (my) heart breaks / I'm skiing / you find someone else / I'm just skiing / (you) get married / I ski. That's the first verse, chorus is question about if "I still have power to get over the mountain, will there be another mountain, will there be another mountain", and then there's lot of repeating "keep on going / keep on going. Next verse is how the guy is praying and skiing, "your children are growing / I'm skiing". Song is experimental pop song, I know lot of people who hate it or make fun of it, and on the other hand some people think it's an art piece which we agree.

Then it was Sami being cranky at youth home and some adult taking it like it's some discipline problem, and Sami f them off and left somewhere outside running and Ferro confronted the adult inside (not a system member, just NPC) about how adults could be also actually helpful instead of making things worse. But adult doesn't know Sami has heartache because he doesn't talk or share his stuff to outsiders, Ferro doesn't share Sami's stuff either because he's really loyal. Adult doesn't even know Sami is not straight and Ferro doesn't know if that's a secret or just something Sami doesn't talk about, because he doesn't talk about his personal things.

We spend practically one day to this out-of-nowhere story where things are really different.

Then the next day Sami and Lucas ae together, things are like they have been, but don't live together yet. It's like open question will Sami be "released" to live on his own or not from youth home. They talk with someone, Lucas says something about the thing that they're not jealous about Fourteen. Then he thinks of it and says if Fourteen will move to the youth home and Sami can't leave and they will practically live together, Sami and Fourteen.. that how they have never actually talked about what that not being jealous thing means, like what all you do need to accept.

And then he thinks how it's really hard for him to actually believe that if those two are gonna live under the same roof, they wouldn't have sex at some point. They used to be together anyway, it's different to be with someone you have been with before than go with someone new and they didn't broke up because they stopped feeling but because it all was just too much and they needed a break. There was lot of heartache then. They already have been intimate before anyway. And Fourteen is not just gonna sit somewhere being shy, when he wants, he wants and he makes a move. Will Sami actually be able to resist that? And Lucas thinks of it and thinks no, he can't, they do love each other still, after all and after how they broke up and they have huge physical chemistry.. and how they both really can't talk about their own feelings so they will release all tension some way,, we know how Fourteen is like, we know Sami's not that different.

From there we suddenly jump to a scene where this happens, they meet, Fourteen has moved to youth home and Sami is there. They have lot of unfinished business that was just left open when Fourteen got hospitalized. And they can't just pretend like nothing never happened, they are not people who can do that. Fourteen switches a lot and they go outside, there's a shed or I don't know how to call it, an outside building they go into to be able to talk just two of them, because they don't want everyone to hear what they talk about, but they don't talk about lot at all. Instead they have sex because that's how they communicate without problems. And they break our headphone like I told and mess up other stuff because they were too close to outside by accident.

They're not back together yet, they just had sex. But they will have more of it and at some point they will be probably dating, they do have feelings anyway, although they both know it's the kind of relationship where you can't be together but not be apart either. When this happens, Lucas doesn't exist, because this is again how things are to Sami now. Lucas was the one he fell for but never had.

Now Lucas is not here.

Sami's story is really out of nowhere, it's very different from how things have been. But it's not like he was there making it up, it was just there.. and things were different like they would've always been. And he was so sad. Lucas' story is closer to how things have been, but still not how they really were, because Sami did move in with him, and suddenly they were in time before that. And Lucas thought Sami and Fourteen together and then it happened. But that's the part that really happened, rest of everything are stories.. Although Sami really cried because of how he couldn't have Lucas.. IDK it's really hard to make sense of things, but things change when parts change and they can change into weird directions.

It was also very random at first when suddenly Lucas and Sami were a thing. Because they both wanted Fourteen originally, but then suddenly Fourteen was out of everything and living in different reality. But we got used to it. And I realized some time ago that things work certain way inside the system and it's probably a phase that they are together, for some reason that's how we function. I didn't wanna think about it too much. Sami has been here forever and I think he remembers things a lot.. but Lucas is new. And I didn't wanna make him feel bad by thinking he's probably bi now only for it to be possible that they get close with Sami.

I said sometimes things get erased and replaced with new stuff and new stuff will be like it would've always been there. And that's why there's no nasty break ups. But there kind of is still. It comes out different way in different place than if they would've actually broke up like in real life you have to. But they still both got hurt. Maybe it's not that bad thing if Forget world crushes and we see who we are behind the stories.
Flor F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) system manager, defender
Lucas M 16 balancer, socializer, self care
Leon M 4
Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder, DID (ca 20 parts age 3-16):
- random M teen
User avatar
SystemFlo
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1133
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Sun Jan 26, 2020 1:21 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Our system updates

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Jan 04, 2020 12:09 am

Mine don't seem to change like that. Their relationships hold even with seperation in some kind of meloncholy desperation and longing.

The twins world and the overlords world can change dramatically. They can change. But the main internal world even on being basically destroyed held its original premice and the parts who live there walked to castle - Mandy drew it. As far as I know it's pretty much back to normal and all the chaos is back in the criminal world where some parts go and others do not. It's like chaos and destruction has its own world and most parts stay in the main world away from it.

The parts who do go into the chaos are the parts who were prone to acting out externally. Except for Patrick those parts all say they wish they'd done more external things they shouldn't have done. So probably that world is built for that - for violence, anti social behaviour that externally we like to avoid.

Always before I've ended up in hospital someone has acted out. Even this time before we went to hospital we drove three people to fight a drug dealer and one of those people is in prison now, one is on the run for an unrelated crime and we're not sure what the third guy is doing. We also stole a cup, which sounds really minor but things like that really really stress me out and some other stuff. Also got drunk off my face which I don't usually do and then went what I consider crazy where I have zero concept of reality and feel like nothing is real and can't sleep or won't I'm not sure and don't realise how anything works. When my bf took me to hospital I thought we was there because of him and he was in trouble. Eventually I was so confused and had no idea what was happening that I went into hospital - after a part tried to run Infront of a bus but Mandy managed to stop them by sitting on the floor. So that world of chaos is necessary for parts who like to act out against society and the main internal world is for rest - it's like a fairy tale world of castles and mermaids and I'm glad it's ok.

Parts of me are saying "Lucas must be in some kind of parallel life and not lost completely from you"

Sammi and Fourteen are living an alternate reality so Lucas must be, I think that's their logic. And maybe he's so lost in it and now unaware it's an internal world that he isn't coming forward. The twins created a replica of our house internally when they were worried about how Mandy was interacting externally and she couldn't tell the difference until somehow she was at the front. So the internal world is so real they can be there and not realise it's internal - you probably know that. Can somebody send Lucas a post card or email him internally to remind him there is out here too?

It could be Lucas needs to stay internal like Karen is at the moment and how the twins made No-one stay internal for so long. Lilly barely ever comes out for long because she loves her inside life too much but she is aware of out here although her attitude is usually f this I'm...instead which causes problems and is probably how I'd wake up thinking "where am I" when a teenager. Now I have responsibilities so if Lilly accidentally is out front the twins work out how to keep her on track with what we're supposed to do but she can't be out for longer than half hour really, too risky.

I hope you find Lucas and get to know how he's getting on with his probably alternate life.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1541
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 11:21 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: Our system updates

Postby SystemFlo » Sat Jan 04, 2020 6:29 pm

Rebellious teen part in system Fourteen seems to be new. He likes things we've never done before.

Now we have a playlist full of Korean music. I don't know how it should be categorized, is it K-rock, K-rap, K-pop.. I think the point in modern music is to not stay inside one category so can't define what it is. He likes bit darker stuff.

He also digs Gotham things. I don't know if he likes Batman or just the bad ass people, I know nothing about that world, I don't think we've ever seen any movies, just have not been our things, not any superhero stuff. But he likes the darker things and weirdness. That's not new tho, there's other parts who like weird in their system too.

He pimps up clothes, only internally, but he wants a pillowcase and is gonna make a sleeveless T out of it. We have right color, but the fabric is wrong kind so he has to wait we have money to use to his things. All our extra went to new headset they broke with Sami. He wants metal things, I don't know what are they called in English, things he wants to put on a shirt. We need to buy them too.

Korean music, Gotham city and diy clothes are things we knew nothing about before he came, but he's now making himself comfortable. So now we do new things.

Interesting times.
Flor F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) system manager, defender
Lucas M 16 balancer, socializer, self care
Leon M 4
Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder, DID (ca 20 parts age 3-16):
- random M teen
User avatar
SystemFlo
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1133
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Sun Jan 26, 2020 1:21 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Our system updates

Postby SystemFlo » Sat Jan 04, 2020 8:34 pm

Sarandipity wrote:
Parts of me are saying "Lucas must be in some kind of parallel life and not lost completely from you"

Sammi and Fourteen are living an alternate reality so Lucas must be, I think that's their logic. And maybe he's so lost in it and now unaware it's an internal world that he isn't coming forward. The twins created a replica of our house internally when they were worried about how Mandy was interacting externally and she couldn't tell the difference until somehow she was at the front. So the internal world is so real they can be there and not realise it's internal - you probably know that. Can somebody send Lucas a post card or email him internally to remind him there is out here too?

I hope you find Lucas and get to know how he's getting on with his probably alternate life.


We've had that before, parallel universes where everything else is exactly like in the other one, but in other world Sami and Lucas are together and in other world Sami is with Fourteen. We had that until Fourteen changed and was 11 for awhile, but he still was in parallel universe to Lucas I think. Because it doesn't make sense inside, that a boy (Fourteen) who Lucas knows and is friends with is suddenly 11, although they met each other when Fourteen was 11 and Lucas was 13. And he kind of changed his age in where he was anyway. I think Lucas and Fourteen don't live in same world although they both live in Forget world.

It can be that I'm somehow looking at it from Sami's point of view. He's kind of in two worlds, or actually 4 worlds at the same time sometimes. But in forget world he's in both parallel universes. Other one seems to me like it's more real than the other one. And the one that's less real feels like it needs updates but they aren't there yet.

Basically Sami kind of was probably living with Lucas in where Lucas is, and part of him was still with Fourteen in where he lives, but that world felt less real to me. Now the change can be that Sami jumped into the other world, and is more present in where Fourteen lives, and that feels more alive, and connection is off with the universe Lucas lives in. Now time in there has somehow stopped, or it feels like that to me.

Thanks, this made perfect sense. They are in parallel realities, and the one where Sami really is feels more real to me. Probably because I'm so close with Sami.

In a way in the other world things can be like they have been, until it gets updated, or that's how it feels to me. Or maybe it's under updates now. But it can very well be that Lucas needs to stay in for awhile, Forget world has strongest influence to him and he wants to keep it the way it is, stop it from breaking more than anyone else. It would make sense he's living in there and connection to outside is off.

If that's how it is, the actual change that happened was Sami jumping from one parallel universe to another one. That's why story changed for him, it's how things are in where Fourteen lives.

When Sami comes out, he doesn't tell things like this, it's useless to ask. I think he would answer with a question, for example what would I change? Since the answer is nothing, because I don't have know-how he has, it's kind of like question answered. He said he takes care of that and doesn't need help, he just would let me understand why I can't question how things are.

There was clearly two separate stories for awhile before Fourteen got younger, and in one world Sami was 15 and with F and other one he's 16 and with L. Outside he's mostly older, slides in age tho, but I think he's young inside, because he's with parts that are young. Just like in your system someone changed their age when No one came back, to be able to be together with her again. Sorry, I don't remember name who it was, Lucas would remember, but I don't. Do I remember it right, that No one's gf got young when she came back?

Sami is attracted to parts who are traumatized certain way. I think it's system safety and protection thing, not any f'd up fetish of his. It isn't fetish, he just falls in with guys who are certain way, and I think we need him to be like that, so he will be closest to whoever needs him most. It makes sense why he feels for trauma holders, because of his job in the system.

Gosh, Sami has like million responsibilities in and out.

I don't know how to send messages in. Inside they don't know about outside, so it's impossible to go in there and tell them, it's against how Forget world works. It's protected with amnesia, they forget all about outside when they go in, it's our most protected place. It would break if we could send messages in. I don't know how it works, that they can be still able to come out to do certain things when they need to be done.. so there is some connection that can trigger them out, but I don't know how to do that. I feel it's better to wait now and let Lucas be. It's a gut feeling, I believe it's best to trust in them when you have one.

Thanks again, you helped a lot.
Flor F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) system manager, defender
Lucas M 16 balancer, socializer, self care
Leon M 4
Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder, DID (ca 20 parts age 3-16):
- random M teen
User avatar
SystemFlo
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1133
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Sun Jan 26, 2020 1:21 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Our system updates

Postby Sarandipity » Sat Jan 04, 2020 10:06 pm

Yes, that's right. Beth regressed back to age 19 when No-one came back. That's how she's not depressed I just realized. She was depressed about our life. We was at uni and she wanted to finish it and pursue a career but that did not suit all system members, it got sabotaged. Everything she loved got sabotaged and she was really angry and depressed about it. The ten years after that were not great for her, trauma with the husband and Karen dieing and she became agoraphobic.

We thought it was the self harm cloud latching onto her, and we'd neglected to notice it. She was a miserable teenager anyway so we thought it was just her. Then the cloud was free and we realised there's a cloud of depression. It's been latching onto fragments when they are in the body briefly and we have to get the fragments out the body because they can't cope with the cloud and we worry they will self harm. Beth regressed. The last ten years didn't happen to her, all the disappointment and added trauma so the cloud broke off from her. She still holds stuff she learnt but her music tastes seem to drift back to indie music she liked at 19 not the modern stuff she got into. It was the regression that freed the cloud not the cloud freeing. Possibly, I don't know now because I can't ask Beth her opinion without getting her here and I'm quite relaxed. She's turned up but every time something is chasing her lately. Last time it was a blob monster, that turned out to be fragment, and this time I can't see what it is I can only hear it.

I hadn't thought of the regression making her loose the depression. I think her being chased is like the last twenty years chasing her. I think she's allowed to live without those years. She is happier. She didn't loose anything, she never missed out on getting a degree, she never lost Karen. I didn't realize. I was just enjoying her not being depressed. The twins wanting her help to write their books, and her own one she has planned, is the first time in twenty years she's been happy to do something so she's better like this.

I had the overall feeling of going to a parallel world, externally, but I knew it was shift internally. None of the parts liked the shift and it shifted back but I think that was all worlds shifting so I felt it out here. It makes the world not seem real and years ago it used to terrify me and freak me out - I'd believe it was real and grab the antipsychotics. Now I ride it out till it passes. So I agree your gut is probably right and you're better to wait for Lucas to surface. Internal stuff does work it's self out usually. It survived worse, was built on worse - that's how I look at it.

Maybe Sammi could start sharing stuff though. When the twins decided to go subconscious over ten years ago they enlisted help, they knew they couldn't do everything alone and they knew the overlord would give them problems if they left him out. Fourteen sounds a bit like the overlord how he can create shifts and how he has power and age slide. The twins managed the overlord by trusting him to the job they negotiated with him and by that job having alot of power - controlling who's in the body. Maybe Fourteen could share responsibilities with Sammi and kill two birds with one stone - Fourteen has real authority instead of getting it through Sammi and Sammi has less to do?
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1541
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 11:21 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: Our system updates

Postby SystemFlo » Sun Jan 05, 2020 4:43 pm

Sarandipity wrote:Yes, that's right. Beth regressed back to age 19 when No-one came back. That's how she's not depressed I just realized. She was depressed about our life. ... The last ten years didn't happen to her, all the disappointment and added trauma so the cloud broke off from her. ... I think she's allowed to live without those years. She is happier.


That's pretty much what happened to Fourteen when he regressed back to 11, he got rid of lot of bad things that he couldn't cope with anymore. He was also without parts that were born to his system after that, without teens. But I guess it's not an option for him to stay being 11 forever, because their teen parts are real parts in our system, and they can't disappear. He lost touch with them and that's why he was so dysfunctional and only feeling bad for so long, and eventually couldn't continue anymore and regressed. Now the other "big ones" are back.

It does cause problems he has them all tho, because those teen parts make him appear more normal teen and more functional, but they also do things that trigger several tweens, younger fragments, who wanna desperately be pure and innocent. Teens don't, it's not what teen boys usually wanna be. So.. at the same time teens make him more functional, but also trigger and makes him more dysfunctional when he switches.

It's all really complicated. When he was 11, things were simple. Easy is not the right word because there was lot of trauma, but there was less conflicts inside him then.

Sarandipity wrote:Internal stuff does work it's self out usually. It survived worse, was built on worse - that's how I look at it.


Yeah, I think so too. System is wiser than any part of it can be.

Sarandipity wrote:Maybe Sammi could start sharing stuff though. When the twins decided to go subconscious over ten years ago they enlisted help, they knew they couldn't do everything alone and they knew the overlord would give them problems if they left him out. Fourteen sounds a bit like the overlord how he can create shifts and how he has power and age slide. The twins managed the overlord by trusting him to the job they negotiated with him and by that job having alot of power - controlling who's in the body. Maybe Fourteen could share responsibilities with Sammi and kill two birds with one stone - Fourteen has real authority instead of getting it through Sammi and Sammi has less to do?


His name is Sami, with one m. It's pronounced like you pronounce the word some, that's how you pronounce Sam, m is short and then add i in the end, also short one, like in word in, or little or bit. Kind of like you'd say some+i.

It's Sami who has lot of overall power, I don't know how much, but he's able to affect my thinking if needed. He's the one who can slide in age too. Fourteen has many ages as well, but it's due to his DID, he can be anything from 3-16 emotionally, but his body is now 14. Sami is young inside, but outside he slides. It's just the relationship between them two, where Fourteen kind of has Sami wrapped around his little finger, not the other way round like you'd expect. It's not because he'd want to, it's just due to Fourteen's unpredictable nature, which is basically his DID.

Fourteen is a trauma holder and he has too much trauma. He can't have any other responsibilities in the system.

But it's true that Sami does a lot and maybe it wouldn't be bad to share. He has back up, Ferro from inside, but Ferro is for emergencies only, his soldier side is caused by trauma. It makes him able to act against how he really is as a person, but that is to be used for emergencies only.

Sami does share responsibility his own way, and tries to make himself less needed. He lets me do mistakes, so I'd learn, and would not be dependent on him now that I am aware of us. He needed to do all as long as I was kind of clueless. He doesn't defend too much, he does if we ask him to, and sometimes does things he feels are necessary. He lets me do my own decisions about my own things, he lets Lucas do the same, do decisions about his stuff etc, including things he doesn't agree with.

If he answers to a question with question, he does it with willingness to know what I think, if there is something I'd change. That doesn't mean he would automatically agree, there can be reasons I'm not aware of, like parts I'm not aware of involved. But he doesn't ask just to point out I can't criticize him, because I don't know enough. It's just a thing I get myself, it's very true. And the reason why I don't know all he does, is for safety too. I'm our only host, if I'd crash, our life would change upside down, totally into something else, because I've always been the host and everyone acts like that's the plan in future too. And that's why I need to be protected from things that come from inside. We're gonna deal with trauma when it starts to reveal itself, but it can not be all exposed at once. All I know is Forget world's stories, but I don't know what has actually happened to us. I know just some of it, and I'm not the one who holds the feelings.

Sami has lot of responsibilities, but he seems to be fine with it. I think that it's a big game changer that I'm aware of us now fully, and therefor can think things from system point of view too, it's not all up to him. Other things may be changing as well, but it takes time.
Flor F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) system manager, defender
Lucas M 16 balancer, socializer, self care
Leon M 4
Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder, DID (ca 20 parts age 3-16):
- random M teen
User avatar
SystemFlo
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1133
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Sun Jan 26, 2020 1:21 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Our system updates

Postby Sarandipity » Sun Jan 05, 2020 5:11 pm

Sorry, Sami.

The Overlord age slides, has different personas, creates them. He has access to fragments, the fragment memories are his but he is not the sum of the fragments. He is who he is because the fragments seperated. Mouse is the sum of the fragments but I don't know anything about mouse other than she's the sum of the fragments.

A fragment was in the body yesterday. They have all felt hollow so far, like their purpose is to be without thought and to be used. We ask them what they want to do. This fragment wanted to do origami. We don't know how to do that so we let it colour in a picture we drew. The last fragment we had in the body a few weeks ago wanted to see a bridge and listen to nursery rhymes. It's like they all have a trauma but they all hold a tiny piece of something good too. But that's all they are, a memory and a nursery rhyme or a wish. One wanted to watch an old TV show I'd forgotten about. After a period of time they start to get panicked and we have to get them out of the body for their well-being. I don't know if it's helping to give them short periods in the body so they can do something small they like.

Parts of Fourteen sound more complicated than that. Like they are more developed. I think these things happen early on when really young and we can't change it. Fourteens alters are quite developed and can't be changed. My fragments are just fragments and can't grow into parts now. It's some way the brain early on decides how to cope and after a certain point we're basically stuck with it.
Main IW:
Obsidian
Beth KarenPatrickPeterRose
No-one Paul and Lilly
Terra Magicka: The Twins (Batcho and Fortune)Sue the secutary. Jane, a general memory bank.
(Silent Lake : The Overlord/Mr BrightsideThe Whisperers (whisper whats outside), The Lightbringers (shine on parts to front), Martin and Janet (children with tails and wings)).
Sarandipity
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1541
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:25 pm
Local time: Sat Jan 25, 2020 11:21 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: Our system updates

Postby SystemFlo » Mon Jan 06, 2020 6:41 pm

I just realized it may not be so weird Lucas is missing after all. Last year he was away whole winter, and I just remembered he said earlier something about winter and how he shouldn't be around this time of year anyway.

I don't know why shouldn't he or why he was, but I thought then it had something to do with Leon why he stayed. And now I just realized Leon has not been around this year either. They can be together doing something, that Lucas was waiting Leon to be ready for. Or himself to be ready for Leon.

With Leon it can be about New Year too, tho. It's triggering to him, he can be hiding somewhere too after New Year. I'll try to find him, in case he got scared and is hiding.
Flor F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) system manager, defender
Lucas M 16 balancer, socializer, self care
Leon M 4
Fourteen M 14 main trauma holder, DID (ca 20 parts age 3-16):
- random M teen
User avatar
SystemFlo
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1133
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 1:50 pm
Local time: Sun Jan 26, 2020 1:21 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: lovethehouse and 40 guests