Inner identity by Lucas

Hi LUCAS!! (I noticed you write it in all caps so I just shouted that )
There's a lot I wanna say but I don't really know how to say it properly but you seem really nice Lucas caring about other people more than just their outside problems! Um, it's hard to talk about this cos the others don't wanna take over and I'm just a little. But just cos we're little doesn't mean we're not important and smart and have our own thoughts and feelings too!

Captain wants to be a paramedic and isn't happy that we don't have the outside education to do it. He's really good in emergencies because he's so calm and commanding even if everything is going crazy and he thinks of himself as a soldier or medic or something? Combat medic? And it frustrates him that the body is weak and disabled but he still reads up on all that stuff when he's outside. And he feels a little bad for taking up the title even though he hasn't earnt it properly in the outside world.

Lullaby wants to be a therapist or social worker or something cos that was her job looking after our disabled sibling when we were younger and she's really good at it! And she has to keep quiet because we're not supposed to know all that stuff or otherwise the doctors will think we read it up ourselves and decided to fake our diagnosis or something.

Bad uh...Lullaby and some of the others that know that stuff are helping Bad through his trauma and then maybe one day he'll have a better name but that's what he calls himself right now.

But yeah! lots of stuff going on inside our brains and no one sees it! Especially no one sees me but that's okay. The others say there's probably more of us out there but maybe only people who are all about solving problems try to find out what's up with them and come here since doctors and normal people don't really know/think about this sorta stuff so they won't think it's an options. So then those people come here with their thinky brains only wanting solutions and not so much caring about the inside feeling lives thingy.

Okay byeee thank you for posting LUCA!!
-Danny

I do not have an inner identity. So all parts do not have an inner identity in this system. My identity is simply making sense of life, outside life. Which I can and can not to varying degrees. It's like I'm on a rollercoaster and half the time my eyes are shut. Maybe more than half the time. When I can't make sense of things I just go with whatever is happening. Like now, I have a part time job not full time, I keep being told to go to a support group on Monday and I know all the usual look after house and children stuff. With the books I want written, I feel like they're mine, my made up stories. I have an idea of other alters, like they're a concept not a reality - I don't know if that is an understandable way of putting it. I don't "know" them or their lives. Any inner world doesn't seem real to me. If I was a patchwork quilt they would be the patches and I'd be the stitches holding it all together but am not a Mish mash of them - which again I dunno if that's understandable.

Hey No-one. Can you change your inner world to be nicer? I don't know how that's done, it's just something I've heard you can do.

Our's is like real world, all the way. My life is mostly happy, all big things are really well now. I've worked hard to get things I have, and now it all pays off. Inner life isn't easier than real life is. I have some kind of dissociation disorder and trauma therapy inside too, but I don't wanna talk about that stuff.

About youtube.. I do have a decent amount of subscribers, enough to pay bills and have savings for future. I sing in English, and those subs are world wide. I'm not hugely popular anywhere, or like .. there's two small countries where there's more viewers and I'm some kind of celeb there, but it's those teen girls who like me, and I'm not that much celeb where I live in. Every now and then someone stops me and asks for photos, hugs and stuff, but it's nowhere near to point I couldn't walk on streets anymore. I'm not a big star, and I like things the way they're now. I can have best parts from both worlds.

Some of those fans are from youtube and singing, but I was touring with a dance group for 8 months and we were like a boy band, just dancers not singers, and some know me from that group originally. Touring was more real celeb thing, girls screaming and fainting and all that. It still feels weird tho. I know it's not actually about me, like those girls don't know me, they fell in with how they picture I am, so I don't take it too personally to have them saying and doing things. I know non of them would do or say any of it, if they'd knew me just from school or somewhere. Publicity is weird thing. It still feels good to have all those "I love you"s and all the attention. In a way they know a lot about me, they know my birthday and favorite color and all that, they know I'm friendly and that's true, but they don't know any deep stuff or how it is to be with me for real.

I guess that's the point in celeb crushes, that you can daydream them being any kind. I found some fan fiction stuff about me, and that was weird though, really not the way I pictured it would be. Now I don't look at that stuff anymore cause it had bigger effect I thought it can.

You wanted to be an art thieve or assassin? You mean like action movie kind of way? Were you like the wild child? Your inner life sounds way more dreamlike, you know like more symbolic than mine.. it's hard for me to get it. And there's so many names of people I don't know. Yet.

Do you have pics of you guys? Are they fine if you share links? I need face for people, and I'm good with remembering details, names and faces, but if I don't have face for people I talk to, it's hard to follow. I can remember you, but whole system is too much. PM is fine if you don't wanna share in public. And it's fine if you don't wanna share pics at all or don't have any. I always ask for pics, cause it's so much easier to remember things when it belongs to someone I've seen. I don't mean pictures of our outside body, but how you look like inside.

What do you wanna be now?

LUCAS

HEYYY DANNY!

Thanks for answering and saying nice things. How old are you? I'm 16. I've 10 siblings younger than me and I miss them a lot. I did loads of baby sitting when I lived at home and some of my friends were like sorry for me cause I needed to .. but I never thought it that way. They're my sisters and brothers and I love them. Youngest one is just a newborn. It's kind of sad we don't ever get to be so close than I'm with older ones, cause I live far away now. I dream of having plenty of kids my own one day too.

Kids are wise and honest in ways bigger ones have forgotten. I think they're many times more on point than grown ups, that makes them cool and even more important.

In your inner world, is Captain there a paramedic and Lullaby a social worker or T?

I'm not trying to be outside what I am in inside, because it's never gonna be possible. That's why I try to be my true self some other way. No host or outside body can be everything everyone in system wants to, some things have to be just inside things. I'm looking for all those people who are paramedics and Ts and everything in their own lives same way than I'm a dancer. Then we can be those things we are to someone outside too and nobody asks where you studied in real life.

How are you like yourself Danny?

Hey you Sarandipity person without inner life. I understand what you mean.

LUCAS

Hey Lucas! *waves*
How are you doing?

We do have an inner world - it's still changing and growing the more people we discover but all in all it seems pretty spacious. I am sharing my space with Rain - I told you about Rain, my twin, right? Technically Yuki lives with us, so we have at least one grown up around but he's "mysteriously absent" most of the time xD

But I get what you mean about not being able to being yourself outside, although it helps if you have someone that knows about the DID and that you can talk to as yourself.

I have just accepted that Kaden is living the "official" life but that doesn't mean that our lives inside are any less valid. You know, I would love to learn more about you and be your friend. Like I told you before, I need more friends =D.

Hope you are doing extra-awesome.

Nev

YAAAAAY, I'm so happy you talked back to me! The others don't really let me talk to people in real life cos they don't want me to make them look like a big baby and I'm not allowed on the swings when people are watching and it's really really frustrating! I wanna go play outside too! I wanna say hi to peoples!
That's real sad you can't be close with the younger ones...our sister is far far away now and we miss her loads. But if you keep them in your heart they're always gonna be near! And you're really nice and caring about how other people are feeling here so I think you'd be a really good parent because you asked me how I was doing and barely anybody asks how kids are doing and takes it seriously so that's really really special.

Sometimes I'm 5 or 6 or even 7, but I'm real smart and the others help correct my work and do capital letters for me and spell proper. And and it makes me real mad when people say I can't do things or can't understand things because i'm just a kid!

Cappy is a paramedic now but he used to go help people in war zones and smuggle people in bad situations out! don't tell him I said that though becuase he gets real embarrassed and likes to pretend he doesn't care about feelings. Lullaby wants to be a social worker or T but right now she's just looking after our family and friends cos we need it a lot and until our friends get better she needs to look after them. I love them very much too but i'm not allowed to show myself to them but i really wanna give them all a really really big hug!

sometimes you can't alwas do the things you wanna do outside and it's real sad and not great. but just because we live in our brains doesn't mean we're not real. i'm real or at least i feel real and I'm talking to you and you feel real too. And if it's real to you in your heart and brain then that's what matters! I bet you're a brilliant dancer, i'm really not good at dancing but I try and it's fun because that's what dancing should be about, when you're so happy you gotta move your body like cha cha cha! Dancers are really amazing how you can move your body so gracefully and make it do what you want and make look sooooo pretty like body magic all WOW. What kinda dances do you do?? I can only do really basic stuff like the chicken dance and the macarena and I trip over my own feet but it's still really fun!

Meee I'm kinda only just now making my own place cos I never got any spaces for myself before, not in the outside world and not in the inside world. I got a swing and a tree I can climb and places I can hide from people and my favourite pillow, pilly that I have instead of a teddy bear from birth. It has a cute pink heart on it with pink edges and my mummy threw away the real version of it into the bin cos she said only babies need things like that and I cried for ages. So I made another version of it inside because I miss it. I used to cry lots and lots and now the others say things are better and I don't have to hide in the closet or under the tables anymore and they give me time to play when it's safe now. and i like that a lot better because they let me buy all the soft toys i want and cuddle them even if i have to keep mostly playing on the inside.

thank you for talking to me LUCASSSS i'm so so happy

Hey Nevin! Yeah, I remember you. I left you a message then, about a month ago in teens thread. Did Rain wake up yet? What have you been up to?

I've been selling shoes inside to make room for Sami's stuff. I buy, sell and collect them.. but kind of forgot the selling part until I needed to clear some space. Outside I'm just bored. It's dark and quiet in here, like we'd be half in sleep all the time. I wanna lover down med dosage to feel more alive, but it's not only my decision.

Happy to hear from you.

LUCAS

LUCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS! ... Hi xD
You left me a message? Oops, I kind of missed that. Sorry.
Yeah, Rain is back. He came back some time after we last talked but it seems like he's here to stay. Whatever was the reason he left (he hasn't told me [yet]) seems to have been cleared up, so now he's around more which I find really awesome. Like I said, I missed him and am glad my Bro is back. But you're my Bro too, don't worry =D

Haven't been up to too much outside, my time was kind of limited - Kaden had some outside problems him and the grown ups had to deal with. I spent most of my time with Rain or Brooklyn, when he was available, hanging out, reading comics and playing video games. Nothing SUPER special, just fun stuff. I also helped decorating our (Rain, Yuki & My) home so all of us could feel at home. Wasn't easy since we are vastly different but somehow it works.

What have you been up since we last talked?

Your absolute favourite friend (jk xD)
Nev

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY DANNYYYY! You're great, did you know it? Do you like to be lifted up to air? That's how I'm gonna greet ya if you do .. and if not, then we can do a super cool fist bump. We can do both too, because why not?

I know it's hard for littles in big bodies that it's not always safe to play outside. Do you have good places and friends to play with inside?

I won't tell anyone how Cappy is. I know other people like him. They need to be tough to be taken seriously, but they do their stuff to help because they care more than other people do. They can't help as much, if people aren't little bit scared of them, that's why they can deal with bad people as well. Your secret is safe with me.

HEYY NEV! About Rain, I hope he comes in here too if he wanna. Don't worry, I won't be jealous about your brother or anyone. I want people to be happy, not mine. You know what I mean? We don't even know each other, it would be pretty creepy to be jealous. I'm not like that.

My message in teens thread is just asking more about things you told, theater and your lost ex and stuff. It's still there, you know, but you don't have to answer, that's optional. You can ask what you wanna know if you wanna know things about me. No trauma stuff, but other than that, anything you wanna know.

LUCAS

Luuuuuucccassss lucas lucas!!! yes yes yes I like being up high flying like woooooosh! Woooooosh into a fist bump!
I don't got any friends inside the others don't really talk to me so i'm all alone in my safe space cos it's hidden away where no one can find me. but das okay i just snuggle up in my blanky and it's like a big safe hug and i become a big wiggle worm. having friends is kinda scary too cos they can leave and that's really sad and scary so maybe it's better being safe. but then there's no fun times and fist bumps...hmm!!
the others told the T lady about us and me and I really like her she's nice and I wanna say hi to her myself but it's still spooooky. i dunno what to do! i wanna say hi AND i don't wanna say hi at the same time cos what if i make things bad? but but but i dont wanna hide all alone inside right now

OH lucas lucas lucas do you have an inner world bit inside just for you?? do you have a postbox with the little flag thingy and your name all big so people can send you letters? just imagine i'm writing this to you on sparkly paper with glitter everywhere...glittersplosion just for you. or is it a big shared home with the others? that's not as lonely with other people but alone space is also good cos it's safe. what's it like inside for you? is your job to be really really nice and cool like woooooah, COOL LUCAS to the others??