Inner identity by Lucas

DANNYYYYYYY, heyyyy! Fist bump aaaaaaaaand ... UP in the air!

You're by far the best wiggle worm I've met. Maybe also only one, but for sure the best!

We have a little boy called Leon, he likes digging caves and nests under blankets sometimes to hide. He's never there for long, he gets too busy and has to run around. I think he likes going in and out more than hidin.

How bout saying hi to T another way? Like ... do you wanna have a secret code to tell her you're there? Bigger ones can tell it's you when ever she sees the code. Like a wiggle worm code, you can wiggle or wave with just one finger where she can see or show some other secret thing, what ever you choose. That isn't too exiting, is it? I bet your T is gonna like you.

I guess it's part of my system job to be nice. I've never thought about it like that before. I just like people and don't like being alone.

I have a whole apartment that's my own, I live there together with another guy, just the two of us. He's 16 like me. We do have a postbox. It's on the door, and doesn't have a flag thing. Do you have a postbox with a flag? I wrote to you with golden colored marker and drew a heart and a star in the end. They're to tell you if people have hurt you, it's not your fault, because your heart and soul are pure gold. I can't draw a soul, but I can draw a star, and it also looks cool. That's why heart and star. <3 *

LUCAS



Hi! I'm Leon and I'm 4. You can come to littles thread if you want to. Because all are friends in there. I play with our T lady. I don't like asking questions from me, but i like playing. And there are toys hiding in her office and they wait for me. I know where they hiding but T lady dont no, because I say No peeking! Are you a boy or girl? I'm a boy.

LEON

Floralie wrote:Hey you all!

Do all alters have lives inside and inner identity? Not all hosts do, but I mean other than them. I'm not good at explaining stuff, but if you don't understand I try explain it better. I mean like in this forum, there's lots of threads about outside lives and system things. Like alters too only write from their outside identity and like they're just parts of their systems. I feel I'm like alien in here sometimes because of that. I'd wanna have friends and get to know you guys, like who I really am inside wants to get to know you like you're really inside in your own life.

Is that like not a good thing to do for some reason? Don't you miss a thing like that?

I mean for example if you're doctor inside, but your host is not, you can't tell any outside people you are. That'd be lying, but you're still a doctor in inner identity and it counts too. That's why place like this is the only place where you could get to be who you are, like the real you. I'd wanna have someone outside who'd ask how am I doing, what's up? and mean me in my life with that, not what's up with the system and what have I done outside. That's Flor's life, I just help, it's not only thing I am. I'm a person too.

Don't you guys wish you'd be yourselves all the way somewhere to someone?

LUCAS

So like all of us but Zor have lives and identities inside... and like many our inner world is a shared world- meaning all of us are in the same inner world. As far as I know, none of us have our own "private world" kinda dealie- but we all DO have a private place IN the world where others' don't go (but literally COULD if they wanted to be invasive).

For example, Kitten and I were like twins from the day we met. We were 4-5 maybe... and like instantly hit it off, even if she was a princess ballet kinda girl... and I was a tomboy then... We grew up together, spending the night at each others' house so often we call each others' parents our "second parents". Growing up with did cheerleading together, she did ballet, later I'd play violin... and when she and Kaleb got close and stuff, she started to apprentice and learn sewing from his family at their shop - she still works there time to time to help out when they get swamped.

She has her "studio space"- her "private place" is at the dance studio she grew up dancing in. She puts on her ballet stuff and we know she's going there... and she dances or does whatever she does in her alone time.
For me, it's a place in a field surrounded by woods that my grandparents owned. There's a single tree in it that my brother (he died) and I would go to and he carved our initials in it when we were kids. The tree died later of ice storm damage in the early-mid 90's... but a new one is growing in its place. As close as Kitten and I are, she's never been there- the ONLY ONE to be there is Angel. A few times. But inside we're married, and my brother told me in a dream or two to go there and take Angel, and share that place with him... so it's special.

While Zor can't get into our inner world, generally... there was ONE TIME he did... and I found myself outside in the snow, dressed as Tinker Bell, to meet him... and we talked before he walked me home, vanishing about the time we got there.
It is the ONLY instance we know of that he has EVER been in the inner world, but we HOPE we can get him here some time. I'd love to show him around, let him meet our kids, see the places we grew up in, the families we have inside, etc.

Short coverage of others inside...
Kaleb & Katya's family owns a tailoring/alteration shop. Their dad died a few years ago, but mom still helps out when she's needed.
Satin & Charles - super rich, living in the Boston area (Satin is from Alaska like us though) when they are stateside, otherwise generally outside Milan, Italy, where their family owns "an estate" (it's a mansion with lots of land).
Chloe - lives in AK with us, adopted by Angel's parents... and she is into pop-punk and music a lot... loves her shortalls or skirtalls (overalls that end in shorts or a skirt)... and not into too many activities or stuff, but like anime and manga a TON. She's like 12-13... her aging is fuzzy and seems slower than our's despite being linked to the outside world as we all are now, so... she's the "little" that likes Pinkie Pie and why we've got a plushie of that for outside... and we wake up with it most nights. lol

I could go on, but it'd be really long DESCRIBING a "yes" answer... I could tell you about cheerleading camp Kitten & I did every summer for years, her ballet recitals, what our inner world parents do for a living (her daddy retired just recently - AK Pipeline computer guy; My mom IT server work at the hospital in town; etc)... so yeah, total inner world... we've all had jobs time to time, if not now (Angel works at a small airfield doing plane electrical wiring and install)... but you get the idea I think.

{\Pixie/}

Hey Pixie!! I do get the idea. That's exactly the thing I'm trying to talk about.

Umm.. Flor explained that you were like in FB from your inner lives before? Cause that's my next question, if you wanna come and tell all stories of what has happened and what's happening now .. like if I make a thread that's meant for that, are you gonna come? That's gonna be just people getting to know each other casually, just like any people you meet online and get to know, from inside lives only. It doesn't have to be like criminal to mention something about outside, but it's gonna be mostly for inner things, cause all the other threads are about outside life and system stuff. That's gonna be all about our own lives, for people who don't really have own life outside that much.

Do you have it like we do, that outside life is Zor's and you help with it, but then your own lives are internal? That's how it is for me, or all of us in Forget world. We have our own everything, we don't share with Flor nothing else but outside life. And it's like when we're in, we don't know about outside at all, we just sometimes end up in here and then we know the bigger picture. Inside we don't.

Thinking from inside it's so random to me who are the other alters and kind of exist really, and who are just some inner extra people that aren't real at all. It's not like my closest people inside are the other alters, it's so random from my pov.

I'm up for hearing all about summer camps and stuff if you wanna come and get to know me in the new thread. I won't start it before I find someone who says Aye! and I haven't found anyone so far. Do you wanna have a thread like that?

LUCAS

Floralie wrote:Hey Pixie!! I do get the idea. That's exactly the thing I'm trying to talk about.

Umm.. Flor explained that you were like in FB from your inner lives before? Cause that's my next question, if you wanna come and tell all stories of what has happened and what's happening now .. like if I make a thread that's meant for that, are you gonna come? That's gonna be just people getting to know each other casually, just like any people you meet online and get to know, from inside lives only. It doesn't have to be like criminal to mention something about outside, but it's gonna be mostly for inner things, cause all the other threads are about outside life and system stuff. That's gonna be all about our own lives, for people who don't really have own life outside that much.

Hi hi Lucas!

Ok, so yeah, like before Zor knew who we were and before WE even really knew it... we'd be what I call "half-out", we'd get online, inside, on our computers using the internet- including FB (that came a little later though). Cuz like online is the same world, the same internet. I guess what was happening OUTSIDE was the body was doing what we needed it to to function on the internet outside- but like we didn't KNOW that or see that, we saw OUR homes and OUR computers. Unlike now, where I'm out and I see our computer and house outside... We CAN do the half-in/out thingy now, but it's not as easy or natural. IDK how/why it worked that way at first.
Sure I'd be willing to check out a thread for talk about inner life and things inside. When we'd get to know ppl outside through FB or whatever, we'd talk about our lives, the inner world life- cuz it's all we KNEW existed. So it was like reaching out from the inner world to interact OUTSIDE... but sharing our lives, as we lived them inside.
We DO have friends inside, in the inner world... but interacting with ppl more and more, being out more (especially this), it's VERY CLEAR how they are "real" but not "as deep" or complicated as people outside, and like WE are. I don't like the video reference with ppl that DON'T know DID, cuz it tends to push the "it's a game" narrative... but it's like NPC's. Even ones with backstories, personalities, and stuff, they STILL are limited cuz there's only so much a game can replicate... and inside friends are like that- real, deep, and like ppl... but not nearly the same as people outside. Does that make sense?

Floralie wrote:Do you have it like we do, that outside life is Zor's and you help with it, but then your own lives are internal? That's how it is for me, or all of us in Forget world. We have our own everything, we don't share with Flor nothing else but outside life. And it's like when we're in, we don't know about outside at all, we just sometimes end up in here and then we know the bigger picture. Inside we don't.

Somewhat. We're actually working, most of us, towards "integration" in that we'll all be more co-aware and able to act and be more part of the life we share... it's a LONG process and a long way- and it WILL NOT replace or erase the inner world and inner lives. At this point, the "fusion" idea of becoming like ONE person... Nopity nope nope! I am NOT interested in that at all. We'll see later if it just sorta happens.
BUT our goal has been generally considered to be "try to be more aware of when each other are out, be able to communicate more seamlessly inside, and share responsibility (teamwork) to live our outside life". THAT, from what we read is more what "integration" is- instead of like several becoming "one" identity.

HOWEVER, that is NOT really how it works right now. With... certain pressures and lack of acceptance... we don't have the ability to BE that open and free with who we are... So that idea of being more co-aware and sharing the single outside life, is very very far away still. So for now, yeah, largely we have our inner lives where we spend most of our time, and our time out is just what it is for now... and we TRY and be tag-team about chores, things we need to do, etc... but it's strained at best.

Floralie wrote:Thinking from inside it's so random to me who are the other alters and kind of exist really, and who are just some inner extra people that aren't real at all. It's not like my closest people inside are the other alters, it's so random from my pov.

I'm up for hearing all about summer camps and stuff if you wanna come and get to know me in the new thread. I won't start it before I find someone who says Aye! and I haven't found anyone so far. Do you wanna have a thread like that?

LUCAS

So like the "inner friends" that aren't alters... for a long time we just "made do"... Kitten and I sorta kinda knowing HAD those friends and we loved them... but we KNEW better... others, they didn't know at all, and Kitten & I didn't really understand either, so friends from outside rolled into inner world translations of friends for us inside... many of the same actions and games we'd do outside became things inside...
And for everyone else, that had no idea... the inner world friends were all they knew. So seeing the diff wasn't happening... any time out they had was unusual if it didn't FEEL like inside in their memory. IDK how the brain like does stuff like this, but it's like the brain KNEW we'd not handle it, so it all translates somehow to inner world life for us?

But yeah, the inside stuff- like outside we had girls to play with mostly... and they liked cheer games. so inside Kitten & I had our cheerleading stuff- including camp, with friends, silly antics, and the cute super hot uniforms that Kaleb and Angel would go crazy for, etc. She did ballet for YEARS (we did it outside for a year or two)... we'd go hunting, camping, etc. So yeah, lots of inner world stuff, even like sleepovers and stuff... IDK how much is purely inner world or if parts were "inspired" by outside world stuff or whatever... but it's what we lived before we KNEW and have been getting out.

And yes, again... totally cool with me to like share stories from inside!

Luuuuuuuccassssss!!

i'm the only wiggle worm here and that means i get to be only the bestest worm!

blanket nests are also the best! i like run around and jump on the furniture and hang upside down and my mummy used to tell me that i shouldn't cos i'd fall and break my head...but then i just did it in secret. an and i really like climbing trees! the others say i'm like a little monkey and i get soooo excited when i see a real good climbing tree but the others won't let me go up if there's other people around. BOOOOO
i think imma make my own inner blanket fortress treehouse just for me. and it's gonna have a rope and bucket to bring stuff up and my own little postbox with a flag. COS i didn't have anyone to send letters to me before but now i do!!
WIGGLE WORM CODE! okay! i'm gonna be a very sneaky spy and butt in next time and do a wiggle worm code and linden isn't very happy about me cos we have to do very important Adult Stuff next session and he's telling me to behave. but BOO i wanna say hi too!

well even if it's your job to be nice i think you're also nice just for being nice! cos people who are not nice who have to be nice for their work are not very nice outside their job. but you are!

do you have a doorbell? sometimes i'm naughty and i ring the bell and hide behind the door when they open it to trick people but they usually find me quick because of the giggles oops! and thank you for the pretty letters and heart and star jus for me!!
P.S psssttt i gonna tell you a secret cos its my secret and i don care if the others were tryna keep it quiet to keep me safe...danny is short for DANDELION because im short and got fluffy white hair like a dandelion!!!

also HI LEON!!!! i gonna sneak in an look around. but i'm shy. i like playing too!! swings are my favourite and i can swing really really high and if no ones around i like to sing and swing. that rhymes. does T lady hafta find toys? it be really funny if she cant find even by next time. And i'm a boy too

-DANNY

LUCAS... we totally made a thread to share inner world stories for fun like you said you thought would be neat to do! We LOVED the idea!

https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic215251.html



{\Pixie/}

ThorneInMySide wrote: HI LEON!!!! i gonna sneak in an look around. but i'm shy. i like playing too!! swings are my favourite and i can swing really really high and if no ones around i like to sing and swing. that rhymes. does T lady hafta find toys? it be really funny if she cant find even by next time. And i'm a boy too

-DANNY

Hi Danny! No T lady can't find toys, because I helped them go hiding and she don know where they are. They been hiding long time and sometimes they come play with me and then they go hiding in new places!
I can say hi to our T lady when I want to and if I have somethin to say. sometimes we play whole time and sometimes it's bigs time and then I say quickly my thing and then I say bye bye and dont say more.
Sometimes its bigs time but I come to listen but then T lady always sees me, because she knows how I look like, she knows me from my eyes. She say "I see Leon there". She knows me because we playd before and that's how she knows my eyes.
Did you say hi to your T lady ?

LEON

As I believe No-one shared we have a criminal inner world. The host has been trying to work out where this fits with the main internal world, the overlords internal world and the twins internal world.

It doesn't fit with any of those. It's in it's own world. A seperate world. Most parts live in the main world. Patrick, No-one and Paul can be in the main world or the criminal internal world.

My name is Grey. I was a boss in the criminal internal world but I retired. I worked with the twins but not for them unlike no-one and Paul and Patrick. Patrick I liked but not so much the other two. Paul is too violent and unpredictable and No-one is an idiot.

I don't mind pottering around in this outside life it has its perks - less stress for me. I'll see if I can find No-one to respond to your message Lucas. And maybe at some point someone from the main internal world can make it here to talk about a more "normal" internal world. Thanks, Grey

Hi Danny! No T lady can't find toys, because I helped them go hiding and she don know where they are. They been hiding long time and sometimes they come play with me and then they go hiding in new places!
I can say hi to our T lady when I want to and if I have somethin to say. sometimes we play whole time and sometimes it's bigs time and then I say quickly my thing and then I say bye bye and dont say more.
Sometimes its bigs time but I come to listen but then T lady always sees me, because she knows how I look like, she knows me from my eyes. She say "I see Leon there". She knows me because we playd before and that's how she knows my eyes.
Did you say hi to your T lady ?

LEON

Hi LEON!
LEON are you a lion? cos leon sounds like a lion name. Hide hide hide and seek toys!! My T lady doesn't have any toys cos shes not a working with kids T an all her office is so grown up boo. I said hi to her but then i got scared because no one's ever seen us before and things are scary when you not hiding so i hid under the scarf we were wearing. I really wanted my blanky. an then i even started crying a little because i wanted to be cool saying hi and not a little crybaby but she said i was really brave and gave me some tissues. and then she wanted to talk about appointments but thats big stuff and Linden didn't know whether to switch back cos we never switched to me before in front on people on purpose. So that was real confusing but she said she belives us!

but then i got home and we got christmas train lego and i never got lego until we met the partner and its so so much fun to play with it!! i made choo choo noises. and it got a track and it goes round and round and we gonna put it around the christmas tree do you got a favourite toy?
-Danny

---
Hello,
I just thought I'd speak about what's happening in our inner world at the moment since this is the appropriate thread.
As of right now we tend to have separate areas to ourselves - Danny has spoken about having his own playground with swings contained in a little forest grove and I have my own cottage on the cliffs by the sea. Since there has been a lot self-discovery work being done the areas have become less and less blurry.

It's come to light that Captain and Numb both present themselves as some sort of war veterans with PTSD. Numb has more inclinations towards presenting as an assassin whereas Captain thinks of himself as a combat medic. While they don't have any set constant areas, within the inner world they have been attempting to adjust to the shock of civilian life and not having to feel constantly vigilant all the time.

Grim, our ever-suspicious protector, has been in a flurry internally due to us opening up to the therapist and him panicking slightly over not having complete control of the things he believes are safer hidden. Internally he's been sharpening his weapons and fretting, though he hates to show it.

I don't believe we've spoken about some of the others and their inner identities.

Raven believes himself a viking age warrior with a sword within the inner world, banished from his clan and forced to wander the world. I suppose in the outer world you would just call him a nerd who likes to do live action roleplaying, but it's what he connects to. He's been struggling with his exile and considering himself 'no man's son', declaring he needs no family or other bonds.

R considers himself a different nationality to the rest of us and when he's in the inner world it usually reflects the landscape in his country. While he does speak the language to a fair degree, his outer ability to speak it isn't as good the fluent ability he feels he should have internally and it bothers him a little.

The rest of us have either been busy with outer work or lying dormant, but our long term goal is to find everyone their own space to call their own in the inner world.

-Linden

ThorneInMySide: there is an assassin alter in this system too, Fortune, one of "the twins" She says that's her past life memory, she's not an assassin now or interested in it. She has a whole past life back story. She was assassin, called The Cat, hired to kill Reagan because it was pivotal moment in American politics, Johnson would have been better for the country. (I didn't know anything about American politics so I read a little but probably getting it wrong still) She failed. She killed herself. She got reincarnated as me.

I wanted to be an assassin as a little kid until I realised I might have to kill good people. So that's probably why I have this alter.

The weirdest thing about talking to Fortune, and I've only spoken with her once, is that she told me to type into Google this long letters and numbers and it was a pdf document in a library, also weirdly called Twins open Library, that was about Reagan. That was really really weird. Three options of how that happened: 1. Blind luck and coincidence 2. She searched up the document at some point when I wasn't conscious. 3. She was actually an assassin in a past life. The interaction with her was the most interesting interaction I've had with any alter because of her pdf link. The others I could right off much easier when they "know" things but to type in the exact web address of a pdf that was about what she says was why she killed herself in her past life was really weird. I haven't spoken to her since then. It felt like she wanted me to do something with this pdf but what would I do. It was on my old phone and an alter smashed that with a window breaker so I don't have the pdf anymore and I can't remember the numbers and letters that link to it.

Have you spoken to Numb much? Does he have assassin stories?