Not knowing "who" you are

So since Paul "had a heart attack" I haven't known "who I am" alter wise. I know my views on stuff, morals. But I couldn't tell you "who I am" a name or something. It'd be easy for me to forget about other parts except the habitual use of this forum and it being on the screen reminds me, makes me assess.

I've lost time. I couldn't tell you which day Paul had a heartattack on but I know I was walking from buying a book I've nearly finished now towards the doctors surgery when his heart attack started.

By process of elimination and forcing myself to accept "I shake" I don't know why I shake but I do and apparently only I do that constantly, I deduced I am "No-one" but I'm still not sure, I still don't feel certain that's "who I am" per se and I don't entirely see the point of it either.

In asking (by thought) "Paul are you dead man" I got a response "I don't know" I told him "you can't be dead or you wouldn't be able to respond" He says I'm "No-one" but I'm still not convinced. Wouldn't I know if I was "No-one" ?? like I'd think "hey I'm No-one" It's like a presence of another alter confirms who I am, is this normal?

Paul said look at the track suit, look at the shaking, look at the emails you've sent (I got peed off about something, money) to be honest I've never lived legally in my life and it stinks to f. The others apparently do it all the time. It used to be easy to hide stuff from them, bit of this here and a bit of that there but now I can't even steal a cardigan without the moral police reigning down on me.

I realise I'm not endearing you to me stating I do not enjoy living an honest life but I would appreciate if you could tell me how "normal" it is to not know "who you are as an alter" and to have other alters telling you who you are. And anything else relating to this please.

Thanks - somebody, I'm still not convinced I'm No-one and I'm not up for this picking names business. I'm just me. But is this #normalfordid

Hi Sarandipity,

In our experience yeah, sometimes its normal. We've had days go by where we don't know who we are. There's no real 'feeling' for any of our selves, and our other 'tests' (like handwriting) don't come up with anything either.

I think it happens from either blending/blurring, like where two parts kind of temporarily merge out front?

Or our other theory is that we get kind of stuck halfway through a switch, where one part has left and another part is trying to come out but gets sort of stuck? So like, we're awake and consious and functioning and stuff, but the 'identifyable personality' bits of them are sort of stuck in limbo or something, so out front doesn't have access to that stuff, and hence they don't know who they are.

I hope it's not too upsetting for you? It tends to really bother us sometimes.

V1

Amythyst wrote:Hi Sarandipity,

In our experience yeah, sometimes its normal. We've had days go by where we don't know who we are. There's no real 'feeling' for any of our selves, and our other 'tests' (like handwriting) don't come up with anything either.

I think it happens from either blending/blurring, like where two parts kind of temporarily merge out front?

Or our other theory is that we get kind of stuck halfway through a switch, where one part has left and another part is trying to come out but gets sort of stuck? So like, we're awake and consious and functioning and stuff, but the 'identifyable personality' bits of them are sort of stuck in limbo or something, so out front doesn't have access to that stuff, and hence they don't know who they are.

I hope it's not too upsetting for you? It tends to really bother us sometimes.

V1

It was really bothering me but then the guys on the ASPD forum asked questions, they don't care what they ask..what abuse do you remember, how has that effected sex.. and I answered them and because of answering those specific questions I realised Paul was right and I am No-one. Partially because of the answer I gave and other parts knowing those answers so it reaffirmed but partially because it linked me in to my personal line of history, my personal past and experiences.

After Paul got swamped with rage they tried to put Rose in but Rose is a mess, feels disgusting etc then we went to sleep and then I woke up and obviously got on with life but it was a horrible feeling of I don't know who I am. I couldn't quite grab that sense of self. Probably doesn't help being called "no-one" but that was a sort of joke between me and Paul as kids. If in trouble he'd do the talking "I didn't do it or say that etc" and then when questioned further "who did it if it wasn't you" he'd say "well for all I know it was No-one" so I'm fine with being called no-one.

I think you're right, it was Paul kind of incapacitated by the rage, it was too tough on the body, so he'd kind of shut down and as other parts tried to front but are presently emotionally incapable I started to be more present and it was very confusing and uncertain because I couldn't get this definite sense of who I am.

Thanks, I thought everyone was ignoring me because I started ranting about disliking an honest life. To be fair to myself some official guy just knocked at the door and I dealt with him exactly how the others would want me to. On the other hand I'm doing whatever I want within reason and it's not illegal - wanted to get out the house so I went and got a milkshake late last night and I felt less trapped. Little things like that will help me.

I did get a bit lippy with a social worker because my mother phoned one to say crap about me and I told her "I will not be bullied by a social worker on behalf of my mother" When I explained the whole situation, she knew alot of it anyway, it was ok and for now my mother can't use authority against me. I hate that woman, she needs to f off.

Thanks again, you make sense and I feel less like a parya (I dunno how to spell that) outcaste of the forum.

I just don't have energy for the forum and would rather play computer games. It's not right to tell people you don't want to talk to them and want to be left alone when they depend on you to be present. They're the people I care about. But it makes me tired and running out of spoons.

I lack a self too. That's just normal to me. That's how my experience is a bit different from DID, the self or selves are less defined for me. It used to be more distressing not knowing who I am before I learned why it's like that. The night child (plurality) seems to have the most defined sense of self now and they're always saying "cogito ergo sum" since they learned what it means. From wikipedia: As Descartes explained, "we cannot doubt of our existence while we doubt...."