HINDSIGHT is 20/20? What past signs can you see now?

Hello all,

Just curious:

What are some things from your past that you now know were signs or early presentations of DID/OSDD?

Small things, early signs of alters, anything you had a lightbulb moment of clarity looking back on as "oh, that was probably from DID!"

Thanks!

After high school and during college, there were a couple of times when I ended up hanging out with a friend or two at a playground, and I remember noticing a big pull to want to play there. There was a joyous, bubbling feeling about getting to be there. I remember noticing it and thinking it was weird. I knew that I liked being with children and playing with them, and also that I was kind of immature, so I guess I attributed it to that, but I know now that I was feeling the littles and how much they wanted to be there.

Once in my early 20s I went to a chocolate festival in a big indoor space in New York City. I had decided not to eat anything earlier in the day so I wouldn't worry about how much chocolate I was eating, and when I got there, I was definitely taken over by someone younger--like 10-12ish. I remember pushing my way ahead of people to grab samples. One vendor actually chewed me out for being so rude. It was very unlike "me" to behave like that.

When I was in my mid-30s, I felt Bobby move forward inside me--at that time he was a boy of 4 (now he's more like 10). I wish I could remember what triggered him so powerfully that I became aware of him. I remember thinking, "Oh, there's a 4 year old boy named Bobby inside me." But since I had no clue that anything could be done about it, I just put it out of my awareness. It was the same to me as observing, I don't know, that my middle toe is the longest or something. Just the way things were.

Those are just a few examples--I'm sure I could come up with more.

Hindsight is clear starting at even 2 years old. So many things like actual conversations and fights between forming alters. There are so many signs I can't even begin to sum them up. Switches, fights, time loss, confusions etcetc.

Some hints I'm willing to share...
**trigger warning**
Going to a psychologist when I was 8 and reacting very strongly to a poster of "children's rights" that she had put up. But not understanding why, because nothing bad had ever happened to me? At the same time feeling a strong pull towards playing with the dollhouse, because there was no way I could actually *say* anything (however, still not understanding what this was about).

**end trigger warning**

Signing letters with multiple names, being known by different people with different names and different genders... this was when I was 11. At some point I was convinced that there were different "sides" inside. I linked it to the Lion King, because I was obsessed with that movie. So I saw myself as multiple lions. It's how I explained the dynamics. I never saw how that is an unusual comparison.

Later I would find a different name inscripted in furniture. I called myself a different name from the birth name and some people knew me like that. A friend told me that shw saw me "change" sometimes. I was afraid that I would "lose control and not remember". Why? Well, because that happened sometimes. I didn't question any of that either.

I can also look back at old photographs and see different parts in them, based on body language and such. That is the weirdest thing. I see it already at 4 years old.

Changing preferred presentation often.

Gender fluidity. ALL. THE. TIME.

Changing writing style often.

Having "cameo-shifts" (feeling like being somebody else for a short period of time; the expression comes from the otherkin communities)

Feeling too overly emotional regarding specific fictive characters, NOT in a romantic way, but in a "it must feel like X to live Y event" (they turned out to be introjects)(I must add that being autistic, it is more UNcommon for me to be able to decifer someone's emotions, thoughts and intentions based on their actions alone)

Being reminded events by people around me, just all. the. time. I even was punished for "not paying attention". Did not help, of course.

Unable to function properly without to-do lists and detailed timetable.

holliswoods1 wrote:Hello all,

Just curious:

What are some things from your past that you now know were signs or early presentations of DID/OSDD?

Small things, early signs of alters, anything you had a lightbulb moment of clarity looking back on as "oh, that was probably from DID!"

Thanks!

Well all through school (from about 13/14 onward) I was finding myself in girls' clothes, girls' clothes in my room, etc... never knowing where it came from or why... tried to deny it was anything weird and outside of "teenager experimenting" despite knowing (deep down anyway) better...

Several of my poems over the years refer to voices, talking to "others", or are outright alien to me, clearly written by others of us... Heck, some of them I refer to myself in "we", "us", and "our" language, which was weird...

Even as an adult on my own, finding myself with unfamiliar things, mostly clothing, and finding myself in odd places I couldn't recall going to... no idea why I was there...

Mostly little things... and not constant or regular... periodic and erratic, largely.

I WISH I had investigated some of these things when they were happening... like the day I walked home from babysitting late at night, coming in the house at about 2am (over an hour from when I'd left for home, on a 10 min walk) in a really short skirt, pink girlie shirt, high heels, and knee-high socks... I wish I'd been less terrified and ashamed of myself (I snuck up to my room, dangerously close to parents' and brother's rooms sock-footed to get to safety to change and bury those things between the mattress and box springs)... I wish I could have woken my parents and said "I don't know where these came from, where my clothes are, but we need help..."

MAYBE we could have identified this decades ago... saved myself, and others, a TON of hurt and shock...

Aside from those seriously dramatic things... there's times I was too emotional... crying like a child too easily sometimes, at 14 years old in HIGH SCHOOL... I was terrified of holding hands even, much less kissing or making out (it took over a year dating my girlfriend for us to kiss with some tongue- a move SHE had to make to get me to). Seeing girls in sassy cute flirtatious clothes caused emotions I couldn't make sense of... arousal, with shame and guilt... arousal as a normal teen guy... jealousy... curiosity in more than a "guy" sense... but a "why did she choose that skirt and those tights... with THAT top?!" kind of way... and a longing to BE other people... deeply that...

In fact, it's why I got into RPGs so quickly and sooooo deeply then... to BE other people, to explore these feelings and interests in-game that I couldn't in real life... maybe it was a subconscious reflection of parts inside not able to get out, passive influence... I had a "type" I'd play a lot, similar to some characteristics of a handful of us in the system I wouldn't know for a good 10-15 years later... much less know they were "me"...

Nightmares about things that never happened to me... but that were very consistent, despite infrequent, and very very real feeling... which I know now are others' traumas... mostly little things... the big things point to the little ones... but the hundreds of little things I look at now, as a whole, and think... "How the heck did I miss this for so long?!"

ArbreMonde wrote:Changing preferred presentation often.

Gender fluidity. ALL. THE. TIME.

Changing writing style often.

Having "cameo-shifts" (feeling like being somebody else for a short period of time; the expression comes from the otherkin communities)

Feeling too overly emotional regarding specific fictive characters, NOT in a romantic way, but in a "it must feel like X to live Y event" (they turned out to be introjects)(I must add that being autistic, it is more UNcommon for me to be able to decifer someone's emotions, thoughts and intentions based on their actions alone)

Being reminded events by people around me, just all. the. time. I even was punished for "not paying attention". Did not help, of course.

Unable to function properly without to-do lists and detailed timetable.

So many of those... gender fluidity- in a home where that was a SERIOUS NO... I always identified with Mom more than Dad... wanted to be and dress like Mom at times- and no idea WHY. I'd alternate between loving and hating going shopping with her and helping pick out cute clothes... from childhood even into high school age...

Lists and routines... WOW... ROUTINES. I NEED them... when we'd be on break from school for a week or two, I'd lose my mind breaking my routine... I'd struggle to get up, to function, to do things... and back at school it took days to get my classes straight and forgetting what was when or next... forgetting locker combo so often I'd pack paper in the jam to keep the locker easily opened without a combo...

daydreaming and often childishly... of "magic" and "spells" and such, as a teenager still. Imaginary conversations with people, real or otherwise... wandering mind constantly even in school- ironically this got worse in HS than before then... after we were in Alaska and I was "safe" feeling for the first time in my life, as I'm realizing now... the first "stability" in outside life is what allowed these weird things to begin to be more problematic, more trouble for me, and more noticeable (though some like clothing and playing girl parts in make-believe games as a kid ALWAYS happened, even with dress-up, some I remember, some I don't)...

So weird to realize how much of that, gender fluidity, existed... given my faith upbringing and the very stringent roles on that in society, even somewhat at home.
I got caught in a skirt once, I don't remember it but my brother still tells the story of catching me- panties, skirt, and a pink & white sweater... and Dad's comment to mom, I over heard from upstairs, was a semi-dejected... "Well, as least we know he's heterosexual." That disapproval CRUSHED ME... and I didn't know why. WHY did it hurt so much he was disappointed I was caught in a skirt?! Why is that so evil?! Why are panties, b/c they were pretty and matched the skirt & sweater, such a hated thing for a guy?!

Mostly, the emotions and gender things... Had to quote you on that ArbreMonde, b/c after my reply and seeing this... I felt a strong feeling of joy, sorrow, hope, and regret all at once... I wish I'd been born 10-20 years later, so I COULD be more "fluid" even as "a guy" outwardly... Joy b/c I remember some of that and happy about it, and b/c I am not alone in that... Sorrow b/c it was scary and confusing, and Dad's response in general... hope that maybe I can understand and feel better this way in the future, let other parts have these things for their needs... and regret that I was so scared, timid, and weak... couldn't say or act how I needed to for me, for us all...