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Losing connection with Sami

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Losing connection with Sami

Postby Floralie » Mon Oct 07, 2019 7:25 pm

Things were going really well for a while, we got really close with Sami. I think that is like a starting point to how to get better, to be one with the part(s) who take care of safety. And he does good job, his ways are not outdated, he knows what's real and what's not, and when we can cope and when we can not without him stepping up.

I could not always feel him being there, but still felt how he feels about things, does that make sense? We learned to be one, so he can talk thru me, we use his feeling but my words. I started learning to keep boundaries because of that co-operation, which is one of the main problems, although it may not be evident from me. I don't know is it, in normal life I don't think it is, but that is because of how safe Sami has kept us, so no one had a chance to ever use me because I lacked boundaries. I could've been in ten different abusive relationships, but I have not, and it's because of him, not me myself.

It maybe wasn't so effortless and well done when we practised, but never the less hugely important. We cut out contact to our mom. It was not easy because she was the only one left we had to call and tell about everyday things, what's happened etc. and I miss that a lot. Things happens, but I don't have anyone to share them with. I won't go back to her because of it, I need to understand she is our traumatizer too and this is not just about me, there are parts I don't know but he does, and keeps them safe too. Sami thinks it was important, and I believe that.

Then things started happening, it's hard to say what happened first and what because of it, but we faced troubles too big and I couldn't cope. Totally could not be an adult. I'm better now, but still really sensitive to anything you can read being rejecting. There were so many of us triggered and for a while it was only Sami and Lucas communicating with the outside to fix things because I did nothing but cried. I still don't know if those were my tears or someone else's or if there were many of us, but I felt our life is ending. I mean literally, I stopped resisting thoughts from inside, but for some reason I don't know why, still did nothing, just sat and stared and planned to kill us, but didn't move.

We had Sami taking care of safety and that parts triggered will see they will be defended with any cost, and Lucas keeping up connection with other people, to show we can still have it, because losing that was probably the original trigger. It worked, and we are overall doing better now.

We spend a lot of time in the forum and I know people could see our struggles although I remember faking being normal too when I could, because that is what we need to be to be seen. Sad reality, but still reality. I can try to help other people again, because I'm back to being close to normal, so I can have connect with people again. Sami doesn't need to be responsible of keeping us alive anymore, we are going back to normal. This is how it's always been for us, I don't know how to change that and act the way we could be part of community also when feeling bad, without faking to be normal. That's way beyond our communication skills and skills to build meaningful relationships. Lucas does have skills like that, but we are not close enough. He can not work thru me, so yes, he could come out and make friends in "my life", but it would mean I need either to fake him or that they would be his friends, not mine, or ours.

With Sami we had that. But then things happened, and he decided not to write in here anymore, because that's best for the system. He will be here reading and ready as long as any of us writes in here, because there's so many triggers and so much that can go wrong, but he will just watch from the background, like he did at first, when I originally came in here. It took months I think for him to stat writing for no reason other than helping out, and I miss the way things were then. Because we were so close, and now he keeps himself where I can't feel him most of the time so he would not interfere my writing.

Systemwise, that is step backwards, that we are not so much so close anymore. I liked being in here with him. I don't think he's gonna change his mind. He doesn't act out, it's not about talking with him about it. He doesn't do things like that without thinking. In the end he gave up something I believe he liked too, for the rest of us. I guess I should spend less time in here too and rather try to get back the closeness we had. If you need to choose between being close with system member and having people online to talk to, I know what the right answer is, I know what I should do. But then I'm left with being very separated from other people. My only contacts to people are gonna be work. And like I've told, people at work are friends with each other outside of work too, but not with me. I kind of made it that way, because I can't tell them about others, and I don't wanna be in situations where I need to lie and tell half truths or where I don't have nothing normal to talk about, because I don't have normal life. It doesn't mean it's fun to be the one nobody waits to work with, because they wanna be among friends.

I know this sounds more like a story than a question, but it still is a question about what to do.

Flor
Floralie F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) defender (trauma)
Lucas M 16 (19) bridge-builder, self care (trauma)
Leon M 4 (trauma?)
Ferro M 14/24 protector (trauma)
Rami M 25 inner protector/caretaker manager
Anastasia F 26 inner caretaker, female sexuality
Jules M 11 main trauma holder with DID
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Re: Losing connection with Sami

Postby Johnny-Jack » Tue Oct 08, 2019 8:24 pm

Sami seems like an extremely important part of your system. Some of us really related to Sami's posts. Is he still willing to tell you when he thinks you need to make other choices? It seems he's still critical to your overall well-being.

In our system, we've found it's really hard for Ulric to readjust himself to less of emergency-mode since he kept us from being emotionally run over or manipulated for decades. We've found we still need him to be aware and let us know when we're being taken advantage of or disrespected. He's mostly right even though his instincts for action would be alienating or upsetting, and even though his instincts have changed tremendously.

Foralie wrote:I don't wanna be in situations where I need to lie and tell half truths or where I don't have nothing normal to talk about, because I don't have normal life.


That comes so close it stings. We used to socialize with coworkers in our 20s to mid-30s. As we got older, our lack of a normal family life, the fact that I remained alone, made socializing too uncomfortable at times. I was usually the third wheel (5th, 7th, always the odd one) and I couldn't tolerate that. It was really painful when friends would say something well-meant like "you're so fun! it doesn't make any sense that you're still alone" when it made absolutely no sense to me either.

Once we discovered the DID, socializing meant giving an inordinate amount of time to Johnny to hang with his friends and, well, to be him. We decided we couldn't do that because everyone else felt alienated and the littles were saddened. It's one of the reasons for hiring, then later adopting our son. The only way we saw for all of us not to feel alone was to be around someone with DID. But the forum was and continues to be part of this too.

I'd say just to keep reminding yourself that the reasons you don't socialize are not because you can't. As your system comes closer together, spending time with others can start increasing. This has happened for us. Even if only one of you is fronting, others will be present and participating too.
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Re: Losing connection with Sami

Postby Floralie » Thu Oct 10, 2019 1:11 pm

Johnny-Jack wrote:Sami seems like an extremely important part of your system. Some of us really related to Sami's posts. Is he still willing to tell you when he thinks you need to make other choices? It seems he's still critical to your overall well-being.


Thank you for answering, I was pretty sure nobody will comment.

He won't stop being our defender because of anything anyone can say or do.

He stopped writing, because people didn't like him and it made our system look bad. So he went away, that the rest of us can stay with lesser problems. He won't change the way he talks if some doesn't like it, he feels it's patronizing to say things like to a child. You know his mood from the tone of his voice, but you can't hear from a message if he said what he did softly. He's not protesting anything, just admitting the facts. He did simple counting to see there's a problem that's obvious, and he fixed it. He does not agree with being the only one to blame, but it doesn't change the numbers. He will say something if we need a defender because that's why he's here, that's why he came. He just won't try to help out other systems or talk about things without solid reason anymore. I miss that, because this used to be our together thing for awhile.

It makes me feel bad, and Lucas feels bad too. Sami doesn't want anyone's pity, or to be defended, he manages himself better without. I don't know how he feels, and I guess I don't have to, he can share with Lucas if his angry or sad or doesn't care. But we're feeling bad for ourselves I guess. He's important to us, so it makes us feel rejected. I kind of feel he's part of me and for Lucas he's huge part of his life, they live together, are gonna get married.

That's the thing I struggle with, that it's still the part not accepted. He's separate, because it was not accepted for us to have boundaries or opinions, and I kind of feel part of me is robbed away from me again. It makes me more unpleasant and less easy, but then that's the way I really am, how we really are. That's why it's a big deal for me. Because in here, we should be able to be whole, but it didn't work. So now we're less integrated in here than elsewhere. But still he did it because of the rest of us. That's why it's complicated, because I am attached to being in here, again. But what do you do, I can't force him to write something he doesn't want to.

Johnny-Jack wrote:In our system, we've found it's really hard for Ulric to readjust himself to less of emergency-mode since he kept us from being emotionally run over or manipulated for decades. We've found we still need him to be aware and let us know when we're being taken advantage of or disrespected. He's mostly right even though his instincts for action would be alienating or upsetting, and even though his instincts have changed tremendously.



That's the thing I had also forgotten, until Lucas reminded me about how things work. That in the end defenders are fear-based, they need to stay that way to be able to see threats and to react strongly enough to make a difference. It is too easy to not see that from someone who appears confident. But then there's the true him too. He is able to be who he really is, when we're physically safe at home, and he can be inside together with Lucas and relax. Then you see how he really is like. He says being a defender is not what he does but who he is, and you can see the empathic side of him that keeps him doing what he does, because he can not not-defend. He knows how to drop the defender role, but it needs to be all good and safe first.

I think emergency-mode is accepted when there's emergency. And I do need him sometimes. One time I said twice something is a trigger and it was not heard, until he came and said it the way it was. He was called a bully, but I don't think he was. He didn't call anyone anything. I needed him to make my mom understand we mean business too. She yelled at him thru messages we didn't open how he has stolen her daughter away. We saw the beginning of the messages, because you see it without opening anything. It was me who asked him to help, but he's the one who will be blamed. He doesn't take it personally what people say when he knows he did what he was supposed to. I don't think he's a problem. He makes his point and when it's heard he leaves, he doesn't yell around, manipulate or cause chaos.

"Everyone able to write is obligated to do so at least once a week" still doesn't sound like a good system rule. I don't think he's gonna obey.

I'm just ranting, because I don't agree with him, although I know there's not a lot anyone can do.

Floralie
Floralie F main front
Sami M 16 (15-26) defender (trauma)
Lucas M 16 (19) bridge-builder, self care (trauma)
Leon M 4 (trauma?)
Ferro M 14/24 protector (trauma)
Rami M 25 inner protector/caretaker manager
Anastasia F 26 inner caretaker, female sexuality
Jules M 11 main trauma holder with DID
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