Creation of my parents

I just realised I did what I always do. I put myself in an abusive situation and let it play out until in culminated in a place where I consider I now have more power than the abuser. That's the over all thing I did.

It's like I was created in the factory of my parents and keep going through these "missions" (my dad used to say "your mission should you choose to accept it and you do is...) to... I don't know what... Expose and bring down abusive individuals.

I didn't start out like this. My first relationship was a very confusing mess. It could easily be said "he was abusive" he was. But it could also be said "I was abusive" I was. It was mutual abuse of eachother by two really messed up teenagers who wanted to try to get along but kept falling over their own feet and hurting eachother. I left when I had my oldest son, he was about 6 months old. I'd been in hospital, I was on mood suppressing meds - so any feelings of love I had for the father of my son were completely suppressed. I walked out of there and started a new life with my son without batting an eye motivated by wanting my son to have a stable environment. I went to all sorts of counseling and classes. The second relationship wasn't like a "mission" either, that was wanting siblings for my son because he was exhibiting traits of his father - lack of consequences and lack of empathy. I thought it would help. The second relationship was also abusive. He was very abusive. He would say "I can't hit you because you'll call the police" after all the courses and counseling I would call the police so he never hit me but was abusive in every other way. I hit him and took myself to courses so I could stop being abusive. I ended the relationship.

Then my husband. ***TRIGGER WARNING RAPE***
This is when it got "mission" like. After the relationship ended I had counseling and pieced together everything that happened. He raped me on the second date. I blocked that and was in hospital for a week. 3 years later I married him. After 8 months he raped me for the second time and I reported him. In those 3 years because I put across so well I'm a perfect victim he told me he'd raped other women. It was always with women who either wouldn't be believed (because of reputation) or who couldn't say anything (eg was due to be married by arranged marriage). He had always got away with it. Nobody would of believed me on that second date. My husband would come across very passive and wimpy. He tricked his way into my bedroom and raped me. Even as he done it he said "nobody will believe you because we were on a date and now we're in your bedroom" I knew he was right, an alter switched in who just enjoys sex - which really confused him because I don't think that's the normal reaction and he said "what are you doing" I said "you're doing this anyway so I might as well enjoy it" Then a few days later I was mad in hospital. Years later when he done it again I reported, got counseling and realised I'd wasted 3 years of my life with a rapist and for what? It felt like a part of me wasn't going to let go of him until he was brought to justice somehow. By my own means. My family would of beaten him up if I'd told them after the second date rape. I didn't want that. I wanted the power of bringing him to justice on my own. And I took it as soon as I could which unfortunately took 3 years. I always get reminded that the actual idea was to report him, him not get arrested and then kill him with the rape to back up that it was self defense. Anyway I'm glad I didn't kill anyone because I see that as traumatic, it would be traumatic for parts of me who would feel really terrible to kill anyone no matter what they did. ***END TRIGGER WARNING***

Parts of me were upset at years of wasted time in a relationship because other parts wanted revenge or power or whatever they wanted - not to be a victim I guess was mostly what they wanted and to deal with him themselves without having to ask our abusive parents to save us or punish this abuser. Abusers don't like their victims being abused by others, have you noticed that?

Then this last bf. What bugs me. Really really bugs me. The first phone call I ever had with him, about 3 years ago roughly. It was long, too long. Psychos draw you in with long convos, I knew that and didn't like it and wanted to end the call but didn't. Right at the end of the call this recent bf said a joke about a bear and a rabbit - where the bear wipes his arse on the rabbit. I "thought" - but who's the bear and who's the rabbit? It was like an invitation. With pathological people they will always tell their victims very early what they are like. It usually slips past the victim, they think nothing of it, they probably don't even remember it. But inside I knew he saw himself as the bear and I was supposed to be the rabbit. I didn't want to meet him, parts didn't, they knew it was basically a trap. He's abusive by the long call, by the "joke" and because of a part of me thinking "but who's the bear and who's the rabbit" It was too tempting for whoever it was that wanted to find this out. They sent Rose on a date with the guy. I know it was Rose because Karen refused to go and I remember the clothes I was wearing (Roses clothes).

Since then it's been a three year long dance. Nearly three years. His past exs had all run away from him, are frightened of him. Do you think that I could then with that info walk away like I should have, nope I could not. The dance continued. Things happened for me internally through all of this and I'm actually glad that other parts came forward, that I have a clearer veiw of how I am like this, that I am more accepting of myself and I've had to out of necessity to deal with this particular abuser develope alot more inner communication because that was not a strength with him, to be able to block things, it was a very clear weakness. I had to know more, all parts had to know more of what was happening outside because he would use it against me. So barriers were forced down. Parts have had to say they're there. Even Paul when he started messing with my head telling me I had to do as I was told, let it out that it was him and not my thoughts. I realised how he'd previously done this to me. It never felt over with this bf. He'd do stuff, controlling stuff, but it never felt over even though so many parts of me were like "that's it I'm done f this guy" still no executive decision was made.

Today I was sitting here and someone said, I dunno if it was Paul or the twins "that guy was never leaving here without it being that he was arrested" I asked why. They said because he's too dangerous. His previous exs had tried to get across how dangerous he is but authorities eventually fell for him. He's never usually so messy as to be violent to his victim. His thing is mental annihilation. The last ex was a Tom boy free spirit when he met her, she was then a Barbie and left him to be a Muslim and married someone who beat his previous wife and children. He likes to look over "how he changed her" Gloat how he took her from knowing nothing of life, showed her all different stuff (long to go into) and then gloat that she can't do any of that now because she's with this wife beater. What I'd think but not say is "she is basically putting up with that but couldn't put up with you, says it all" I was literally at the tip of the iceberg with this guy, I know that, because you can't change someone who is several different people anyway. Who have different characters and like different stuff. You can't change someone who has no set sense of self so he was just starting to think he'd broken us, we were unsure and letting him control everything (Obsidian was) we gave him a real sense of our shame at our disorder because it is real shame and we don't like to advertise we're different people. He said the golden words just days before he assisted us "you've made me feel safe now" Abusers have to feel safe to abuse. I felt someone's ears prick up as he said it. And what do you do with someone you can't change because they're changeable, can't control or beat down psychologically because they're either already beaten down or will just say and do what they want regardless of consequences - you hurt them physically.. that's all that's left. He got pushed to what he usually isn't pushed to.

At one point we did end the relationship and mean it, about 18 months in. But he went back to harassing his ex. So we, like we've done on other occasions, sacrificed ourselves. We went to court to support him, we got back with him. Obviously we should of left him to it. Let her be frightened, we don't know her. We should of walked away then. But I don't control it. I don't control myself. I am influenced by so many parts that I just do stuff. It barely ever makes sense, I can never see the end, by the time I'm in the middle of it I can't see how it begun. He might get away with assaulting us yet and then what? Then what? I would walk away. I know other parts will refuse. They won't give up, they won't surrender. I don't know how that looks or what it means to them given that he did assault us. They may see that in it's self as enough, I hope so.

It feels like I'm created like this. In a psychiatric hospital years ago I was beaten by the night staff every night. It didn't break me. It nearly did but then another patient pointed out they'd broken me - because I was so worn down and someone else switched on and I was "back to normal" even with medication, being pregnant, being beaten and with damaged feet that they said would not have feeling in them ever again. It's like I'm made to ensure and keep going. I know I suffered as a child, I know now it was really bad, systematic, practically brainwashing. I hate it. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to somewhere feel I have to endure it and take it to points where I get people arrested out of some need to protect others. That's what it was with my husband, that's what it is with this guy - if they're know for what they are it makes other peoples lives easier when they have problems with them. It's that and wanting to see abusers punished in some way.

This all obviously stems back to what my parents did, the powerlessness I felt, the hopelessness, the having to endure, I could not punish them or bring them to justice. I also had conflicting feelings - I'd feel guilty when feelings if hatred would sweep over me about them, I'd feel I must be wrong to feel this way about them. I didn't know love at all until I did love my first bf. I didn't know love so I couldn't love them. I only knew loneliness and different types of pain. I think that's why I don't feel loneliness, because I am constantly lonely, it's not a feeling to me or I have always lived with it so I don't notice it.

The wanting to punish abusers and the feelings of hatred are easily transferred onto new abusrrs. I have no guilt in wanting them punished or hating them. The hate dies and I feel nothing towards them eventually, not fear or missing or love. I transfer it to the next abuser and go through the whole dance again until the dance eventually ends.

I thought I had stopped this, after my husband. I thought I had control of it. I lied to myself mildly telling myself this bf isn't abusive, maybe he does genuinely care. But I could hear in his tone that his words were lies whenever he said he loved me. I knew deep down and deep down I knew I was in an abusive dance. Once you're dancing it's difficult to stop until the music does and the fat lady sings.

This last abusive relationship had opened up barriers I had in myself. It has made me aware in a way that I will not forget, I won't allow myself to forget, the parts who are in me, part of me.

It's like there's an A team and a B team. The A team are the main alters: Patrick, Rose, Karen, Beth and now Mandy but she was previously very hidden. If a person only sees them then that person is an ok person. Then the B team are deeper, if a person is dangerous the A team back up, disengage and effectively run away. The B team are a whole different character of people, Paul, Lilly, No-one. They don't care about things other people care about, they see crime as "it makes the world go round" they feel if someone wrongs them then it's their right to wrong them back, they will not walk away or back down and they don't care about consequences. The twins and the overlord are more strategic, they don't get personally outwardly involved. This is because they only like to play with people, they like to torment, to confuse, to toy with people. They will only come forward in the body of it's seen that this person is dangerous, is a low life and then they'll play with them. They look for keys, like "you've made me feel safe" and then they begin to play, that's a rollercoaster - they will take the person from "you're the centre of my world" to "the cat is more interesting than you" all day, in small ways, moment to moment until they snap. They I guess are the C team.

I have a very dangerous toxic system. That operates as a defence mechanism. The problem being I was brought up with "attack is the best form of defence" drummed into me. So that simple joke he made three years ago that he's going to wipe his arse with me which most people would not have even registered was like he stepped into a martial arts ring and politely bowed in offering of combat. It was too much and once engaged I can't disengage until it feels like I won.

I'd say I feel like I lost in some way but I don't feel that at all. I feel like I learnt more about myself than I realized I wanted to know. And I feel stronger for it. I know why I hate my parents, despite knowing about the emotional abuse I felt that it was excessive to hate them and I kept trying to force myself to like them - that's gone now, I hate them and I feel good about it now because to hate them after all they did is a reasonable response. I lost friends - maybe, I dunno, they hated the bf so they might be friends with me again since he's gone but if not then we're they really friends? So again I feel I lost nothing in this, I gained.

But I don't want to do it again. I don't want to go through this again which will take going to see an actual DID therapist which will mean getting diagnosed properly. Whatever. I'll cross that bridge if I come to it.

You nave learnt so much. It was difficult but you learnt, and that's what's important.

You are not the product of what the world makes you. You are, what you do with what the world makes you. Which is different.

Be careful though, abuse survivor stay longer in abusive relationships because they are more tolerant to the abuse. Less sensitive to it.

Take care.

--Zami--

ArbreMonde wrote:You nave learnt so much. It was difficult but you learnt, and that's what's important.

You are not the product of what the world makes you. You are, what you do with what the world makes you. Which is different.

Be careful though, abuse survivor stay longer in abusive relationships because they are more tolerant to the abuse. Less sensitive to it.

Take care.

--Zami--

Yes, I know. It is a problem. Abuse relationships feel safe to me because I'm used to it. When I was dating before I met the last bf I did meet "normal" guys but I was frightened by them. Which is stupid but I was. I dunno. There's no winning with this. I want a loving relationship but never have one.

Someone once told me, that I need to work out what I find acceptable or not in a relationship, BEFORE I start the relationship. And that laying out the limits and boundaries first thing, is important too.

I hope this can help you too.

--Zami--

ArbreMonde wrote:Someone once told me, that I need to work out what I find acceptable or not in a relationship, BEFORE I start the relationship. And that laying out the limits and boundaries first thing, is important too.

I hope this can help you too.

--Zami--

Yes definitely is true.