Thinking we must be fake

I feel like we must be fake.
I feel like, most of the time, “I” (meaning whoever is out) don’t know who “I” am.
It doesn’t help that there is a lot of passive influence and we can’t always tell what comes from who which makes me feel like we must be one person after all.
The alters who used to come out more aren’t coming out as much. Which makes me wonder if they’re real. I wonder the same about the “newer” ones because why are they all the sudden coming out?
We lose memories (such as most of our inner world memories) when we front which makes me feel fake. Maybe we don’t lose memories so much as they don’t exist in the first place because we don’t really exist.
We share enough real world memories (or at least, can piece enough together to get by as well as a normal person) that we barely even notice stuff is missing most of the time which also makes me feel fake.
We’ve considered the possibility that it is actually just one alter that fronts and filters everyone else through them. Like a mask. That would explain the memory stuff. But what little we’ve read on alters like that says alters in those system are not separate or distinct. Which means we would be fake, not real, and some of the others who are violently opposed to the idea of not being separate and distinct are shouting at me now.
I’m so confused all the time and I hate it.
I don’t know who is real and who isn’t, but it feels like none of us can be real. We must be fake.

Hi Baldanders,

We resonate with alot of what you've said. Some of us can't get 'inside' and others who can, also lose their 'inside' memories when they front. We sometimes feel like everything's fake and we're faking and it's all untrue. It's an awful feeling, and I'm sorry you're experiencing it.

Our T would ask, "What is the benefit of thinking this? Would it be better if it was fake?" It's kinda annoying but it does sometimes help us like question where it's coming from.

Like maybe its a defence mechanism and the host or whoever's out front isn't supposed to know about the others and the system and stuff so sometimes there's a push to make it all feel untrue? Or maybe it's to keep things hidden cos at some point it was super unsafe for anyone to know?

For us, we think there's a part or parts who still don't understand they're part of a DID system, or maybe they kinda know but are afraid or upset about it so they really want it to be not true. And we think that's why sometimes we feel that whole fake thing and it gets really strong and upsetting.

I hope it goes away quickly for you and you're feeling better soon.

V2

Test yourself. Stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investigating, stop thinking and stop talking about everything DID related and see what happens. If you really give this everything you got to try to avoid anything DID related for as long as you can, and you eventually can't because things go awfully south, you'll have your certainty. If nothing happens you continue living your life, and if something does happen that will make it absolutely inevitable to admit that this can only be DID related (again and again and again if necessary), you'll eventually never have to doubt again. That's what I did anyway. Not saying it's exactly ethical.. But it worked. No more denial ever again. Not even if my system shuts down and goes covert for long periods of time. Also not if things don't neatly fit into the stereotyped 'classic' DID box in any way, like not knowing who you are or incomplete, passive or controlling personalities etc etc. What may also help is honesty towards your general practitioner about all symptoms like amnesia or unexplained pain and the like, so they can test everything from medical angles.

Hi

I have this theory that hosts are SUPPOSED to think this is all fake. It would be super hard for them to go around thinking 'There are people in my head' all the time! (It's hard for our Host to think it an hour a week! ) They might start talking back to us like outloud in a restaurant or something - like a bad sitcom!

There is no 'Co' in 'covert' you know.

Iain