How to help a new alter understand they're part of a system

My (foster) son "M" ran away from home a couple months ago, using drugs to self-medicate. He's been around scary people and scary situations. During this time, a new alter "S" was created, about age 14. S has no idea he's part of a system.

I started speaking with S over the past week. I've tried to be very gentle and friendly, while also helping him realize that the people and situation he is around is not good and not normal. S has zero concept of what a good home is like or why the place he currently is and the people he's around are harmful.

M is very very ready to come home and get clean and get help. I'll be driving 6+ hours Friday to pick him up. I've explained to S that I'll be picking up M Friday to come to our home and I've asked him to think about if he'd like to come too.

S thinks M is another kid who lives in the home and he keeps asking me why he never sees M. Yesterday someone called him M and S replied "that's not my name."

I don't want those people figuring out their DID but the much bigger concern is Friday. If S decides to come with me or comes out after I've picked up M, how to explain I'm bringing one kid home and not two? I'd love to allow plenty of time for things to unfold naturally but S's questions are getting harder and harder to answer. S is very bright (as they all are).

How can I help S understand that he and M share a body? I've asked if someone inside can help explain but almost everyone is hiding due to circumstances and M cannot feel or communicate with S.
Thank you

This is a very complicated and perilous time in his life. Awakenings in a moving vehicle are dangerous. It may help for you to suggest to S that if he is not coming with then he needs a good long nap, and you will see him later.

Do you have influence over which part of him is out? Think about encouraging just one part (M?) to be out during the drive home, and encouraging the other part to rest inside. You want as much stability as possible during the trip.

Hi,

I just have one thing. Maybe you could bring some of M's stuff for him to have on the trip home. Kind of like something to remind him to stay him. Maybe a game or food or clothes? It's hard to stay out when there are lots of triggers going on and it helps to have something to remind us.

Please don't be mad at him for going to find some bad people. Sometimes we have to chase the awfulness. I don't know why. It just happens. Not his fault ok?

Good luck,

Iain

IainEtc wrote:Sometimes we have to chase the awfulness.

This is very profound, Iain. And validating. Thank you for saying this.

Hi FosterMom,

We don't have any outside kids, so no advice to give. Sending good thoughts to you and your son that the transition goes smoothly.

MDs

Thank you everyone.
At my suggestion, M has written a note to S saying he can trust me and inviting him to come with us Friday. We don't think S has been out to see the note yet. M believes it is better for me to not introduce the concept of their plurality at this time. S is too new to the world and my relationship with S is too fragile and new to go there.
M wants to be out the whole time but recently has been switching without realizing. Objects of M's to help him stay mindful and present is a great idea. The other child who's been out lately, C, also wants to come home with me so we have 2 out of 3 odds of trip going smoothly. Plus all the others who know me and love me but have been hiding inside the past couple months.
Thanks again

Getting to know S a bit first sounds like a plan. Does he have a T?

Some take it pretty hard to find out they are part of a system. Raina is 15 y/o. We talked at least half a dozen times before she was like, “You are nice and all, but I think my parents will be mad at me hanging out with an older guy.” (SF and I both in our 30’s). For her it was like she went to sleep at 15 and just woke up last year. It was like seeing the future.

The things I did with SF’s system (calendars, wedding ring, etc.) just wouldn’t work. Maybe best to let M or their T handle a lot of it, but just be there and be supportive…

Good luck. Hope everything goes ok. Let us know how it comes out.

Colin

After a delay, I expect to make the drive Wednesday to pick up my son/kids. The new one, S, hasn't been heard from in several days. Last I talked with him, he understood he wasn't wanted anymore in the bad situation where he originated and he was struggling with his feelings of rejection and confusion and uncertainty about his future. Perhaps he's staying inside while he processes these emotions. When he's ready to talk again, I'll be right here, either on the phone or in person, to assure him he has a home with us if he choses. I've told him all they ways he will be safe as a foster child in our home (showed him foster child bill of rights we must have posted, gave him 24/7 phone number he can call with any questions or concerns, explained how people will be checking on him.) This seemed to reassure him some, last we spoke.
S still has no idea he's part of a system......