'Gaps' in the Mind

Hey guys,

I wanted to ask if anyone related to the following, and had any ideas/advice of any help...

So, today we realised we have a few issues with certain topics. It's not that we don't understand them, or know about them, it's as if the flow of the mind has big holes in it, or just spaces of 'nothingness' that can't be crossed.

Basically, the more complex the task, or thought, the more this happens.

As an example, with basic Accounts and Admin, we understand it all (luckily) but we massively struggle when we have to 'put it all together', or do something complicated. We can do each thing bit by bit, piece by piece, but we're realising some 'crossover thoughts' just don't happen. When we try the thought just falls into a black hole and we start getting massive panic attacks. The more we try, the more we get spun out and totally overwhelmed and confused...

This is what happened today!

As far as we can think, it feels like some of us can't communicate in the Mind, to share the information. It's like there is a huge hole in the road! I'm guessing this is an amnesic barrier? But we can talk, share some things, like we know of each other and 'get on' too. So why is this barrier (or hole) here?

Any thoughts of how to repair it, or build it?

Thanks guys

Hi

Can you give an example what you mean? People's accounts and admin on here or like maths/bank accounts, sorting your finances kind of thing?

Kit

I forgot to say.. As Kit I have gaps in my memory for the period Maddie took over in full. I can't remember how long we was in hospital,when we moved here, at what point the body started to regain mobility and whether Maddie realised or did physio.

Other things happened to people who got upset I never acknowleded (or stopped acknowledging) the anniversary of their baby who died. I don't even remember them being pregnant as Maddie was up front for that period but of course I can't say that (the person doesn't even know I have DID - I didn't realise until the bodies late 40's!). I remember some parts of childhood like it was yesterday (mostly things I enjoyed like camping holidays, favourite trips etc)....is that what you mean by gaps in your mind??

The times I was on meds and in the unit I have a 'sketchy memory' for but my memory is in tact for knowing how to 'do things' - get dressed, manage a budget, look after a dog, basic day to day stuff.

I didn't understand either what you mean exactly. An example would help, or few of them. And also is it about all things, or specific things, is it always, or just sometimes and another time with the exact same thing you manage to do stuff you didn't last time.

Did you mean something like this for example: Let's pretend you love movies, you watch them a lot, remember many actors and directors and movie plots and so on, talk about them all the time because that's what you're into, without any problems in memory. But when someone asks how do you like Kubrick's movies in general, you don't know what to say, because you can't find all of them from your memory to have like an overview of how they are in general. Then you start to feel stupid, because you do know you have seen all of them and you should have opinion on them, but your mind doesn't bring info you need there for you to answer any question about things in general, but goes totally empty. Or you can recall you have heard a name Kubrick somewhere, but don't even know who he is, although you actually do, if you can talk freely about movies.

Or is it like you try to watch a movie. You understand what happens in the first scene. And the second one. And third one etc, but still can't understand what is it about all together, like what's the actual plot, because to you there are just random people doing random things and they don't unite in your mind to create one story.

Or did you mean something totally different?

Like preparing a meal. You know all the steps, and you can do them separately, but it takes plenty of time because you're not able to multitask, and prepare vegetables at the same time when the rice needs to go boiling.

I have plenty of different kind of gaps in my memory. I don't know if I have what you mean in here, because I quite didn't understand what you meant without an example. The feeling of mind feeling empty and me starting to feel really stupid does sound really familiar tho. Also the feeling of slight panic (I am just starting to recognize negative emotions as me when they happen), and with me it usually comes with difficulty to understand what I see with my eyes.

There are also lot of things all "normal" people seem to have big picture about, like how was the weather last week, but I never do. I know how it is now, how it is today, but I'm never able to tell was it snowy last winter etc. Sometimes I may be able to create that picture and have a memory, if there is a special reason for it, but in normal life, I have no clue what kind of weather we had last week. And weather is not the only thing I just don't "understand", I live from one moment to another, when other people seem to live like in clear continuum of things. They live thru their days and weeks and months and years and it all creates their life story, but for me, I live for a moment, and then new thing comes, and another new moment in time, and it's like they would be separate things. I can remember all of them later on, when I associate freely all kinds of memories come to mind and I think I have normal amount of memories, but I can't find them when ever asked, when ever needed. The way I experience time is certainly fragmented. There is no flow. There's no years missing, that I know of, I do have lot of memories. But if you ask me to tell what happened in my life two years ago, I don't know. I can find out by reasoning, but it's not clear to me like to other people. You can see it from many small things, like the weather for example. Things in time don't connect. The memory of last winter does not connect to another memory from the same day, if the topic is different, like one memory of my sister and another from work. I can't understand things in private life happened in the same time than things at work, they are like separate lives. I don't know how I was in general, was it hard day, or hard winter? And things happened in the inner world too, at the same time. It doesn't make any sense. They are all separate lives and separate stories. I need to find them from separate places from the brains, there's no overall story of last winter. Or yesterday.

Or did you mean you have like "seizures", when all starts disappearing and you can't function at all, and it seems to be about inner communication problems?

Thanks for the comments guys! Sorry about being too vague...I'll try and put an example down...

It's not me (Zelda) with this issue, but I'll try my best.

I guess this is one way of putting it, in a maths kind of way. It's like you have two equations, and then need to put them together for a third.

So,

Equation one (x) - say.... 3 + 2
Equation two (y( - say... 8 + 7

We can do those...
x = 5
y = 15

But the equation three - x + y .... that is where our brain can sometimes just go 'zap!', or completely blank, like the thought just fizzles out...

But at the same time, we know we are able in some form to work it out, like, we know the answer is 20.

We think that one of us can do (x), one can do (y), but some of us haven't worked out how to share knowledge, or certain knowledge, and the mind just goes blank if we try.

Weirdly it's not around anything creative, or natural, or with a 'flow'...so cooking, creative stuff, cleaning... all ok. It's more like mental/mind stuff I guess. The Movie idea was a great one, yea! The first example was quite close to what we mean...

-- Thu Aug 22, 2019 10:23 am --

Thanks for the comments guys! Sorry about being too vague...I'll try and put an example down...

It's not me (Zelda) with this issue, but I'll try my best.

I guess this is one way of putting it, in a maths kind of way. It's like you have two equations, and then need to put them together for a third.

So,

Equation one (x) - say.... 3 + 2
Equation two (y( - say... 8 + 7

We can do those...
x = 5
y = 15

But the equation three - x + y .... that is where our brain can sometimes just go 'zap!', or completely blank, like the thought just fizzles out...

But at the same time, we know we are able in some form to work it out, like, we know the answer is 20.

We think that one of us can do (x), one can do (y), but some of us haven't worked out how to share knowledge, or certain knowledge, and the mind just goes blank if we try.

Weirdly it's not around anything creative, or natural, or with a 'flow'...so cooking, creative stuff, cleaning... all ok. It's more like mental/mind stuff I guess. The Movie idea was a great one, yea! The first example was quite close to what we mean...

-- Thu Aug 22, 2019 10:26 am --

Also, what if one of us likes Kuberik movies, one of us likes Disney.... and someone says, let's make a Kuberik + Disney movie, or talk about both at the same time, to create some uber-realisation or something! Our mind just blanks out and we start with panic attacks.

Ok, super rubbish example...doesn't make any real sense...but, thats kind of what we mean.

I relate to what you wrote, even before the example.

Isn't this the whole purpose of dissociation? To not be able to see the big picture? That's what it's always felt like to me.

There is a reason you weren't allowed to see the big picture when you were a child. That's a big thing for keeping you feeling relatively safe in an unsafe situation.

Are you still in unsafe situations now?

so you're talking about sharing information or sets of skills between alters?....but not having anyone who can combine that knowledge to apply it to another problem?

so eg 'Fred' can use basic tools, spanner, screwdriver etc but can't read well to follow instructions. 'Ginger' can read words but struggles with co-ordination to use those tools.

but they can't combine their abilities to put together flat pack furniture with Ginger reading the instructions for Fred to know what went where? (so you'd need them to co-host to be able to complete the task?)

or eg you want Ginger to share her knowledge of knowing how to read with Fred so Fred could 'automatically read' and do the task himself?

Thanks for your comments guys.

Yea, I guess that is the whole purpose of disassociation... We're not in unsafe situations any more, but I guess our mind is still blocking certain things from crossing over.

For the examples, I think both are what we're after. I guess we're seeing that we're not as flexible as we thought, or that actually maybe some of us can't co-host together yet, or work together in that way yet... we've never really thought about it.

Does anyone know how you begin to practice?

We also kinda realised when typing this that it's linked to our trauma too. We're aware of the 'whole picture' trauma, but shy away big time from really reflecting on it, or on each others. Well, we reflect on our own, but not the whole. It kind of makes sense that we can't co-operate and fully share now, if we're not making those connections in relating and trauma stories too...

Anyone relate?

Hey sleepingwolf,

I think I kinda get what you're saying? I dunno how to solve it tho. Like, I guess it's the kinda thing that'll get sorted out eventually as we're healing and stuff.

In our system there's like some skills and stuff that like I have, and that v2 doesn't. So she can't do that stuff at all if I'm not coconsious. It's like just a blank, she doesn't know what to do?

If I'm with her tho then she can kinda borrow from me, or maybe it's more like I'm working through her, influence or whatever. Not sure exactly but I guess it doesn't matter.

There's other skills tho that none of us had, like previous host had them and without her they're just gone. We know that stuff is 'in there' somewhere but like nobody has access to it. It's trauma related I guess.

We've also had it where something you normally know how to do disappears temporarily, usually when there's a traumatized little or whatever cocon or just near front? That's always fun... especialy when its something like 'how to ride a bike' and you're currently riding the bike.

Anyways, sorry we don't have any good answers. Sorry that this stuff gets you all into panic attacks and stuff, that sucks.

Viola

I'm pretty sure it is connected with the trauma stories. Like, if you would fully share connections again (and therefore skills and knowledge) then you would maybe also share trauma-knowledge and feelings. Are you in therapy? Like Viola said, this may be a part of the healing process.

My first idea would be to practise being co-con. So to find cool non-threatening activities to do together, like maybe baking? Then you can practise being there at the same time and maybe you could try to talk about the skills. Like, hey, we really need your ability to do answer emails professionally tomorrow, can you really try to be there? I do stuff like that sometimes. And sometimes I do a lot of grounding in an effort to be more fully present so none of my skills just "get taken away".