Regarding mommy

I started in a different thread but think it would be better for its own thread so it is reposted here.

Hi. I'm not new here but its been a long time.
I'm ninas.
About mommy.
It happens lots.
My mom died about 8 years ago. I knew for a long time - since my teens - that I didn't have a relationship with my mom, well not a close relationship. We didn't fight but we weren't close either. Wehn I was about 15 I felt like I belonged to my dad and my sister belonged to my mom but I didn't tell any one how I felt. After my mom died, my sister said mom told her she had decided that I belonged to my dad and sis belonged to her. My mom denied that she said that but I still believe she did. She said mom decided this because my dad touched me in a wrong way when i was about 3 and mom walked in on him. I remember it happening.
He said it was a game, but kept asking me if it hurt. What kind of game says that??? none. But I was closer in my mind to my dad (a narcissist) than to my mom. My dad hurt us a lot.

Since my sister was born, my mom kept my sister with her and told me a lot of times to go play. she told me lots of times to be quiet. As I got older, I realized I didn't feel anything about my mom. I remember her singing with me on her knee when I was about 4 or 5 but it felt like it was strange for her too. I preferred if she didn't touch me. That was confusing till I understood why.

But what is confusing now that I'm in my 50's is this voice that says mommy! when if she was alive, I still wouldn't have a relationship with her. She chose my brothers over me. My brothers sex abused me and my sister. But she cried when I said I can't have a relationship with her if the whole family is there. she said she can't have a relationship with me if they're not there. I don't feel one way or the other about that. she was the one crying for a relationship, not me. I don't understand why part of me calls mommy! but I don't have memories that are close to her.

Why don't I have feelings for my mom?

Hi Ninas and welcome back! Some reading about attachment theory may be helpful. There are four types of attachment. The first is secure attachment, which is the norm, and three other dysfunctional ones. It's virtually impossible to attach or bond with someone who is consistently not there for you.

Another observation of parenting is the good enough parent. A mother, in your case, really doesn't have to be perfect to have helped you develop as a child, she only had to be good enough. Yours wasn't. Maybe she was communicative as an adult but she wasn't there in basic ways for you as child.

When our mother died, some alters were sad-ish -- I, John, was maybe -- but there were no tears. I'm actually more sad for you that you didn't have the basic mother you needed and deserved. Many of us had absolutely no reaction to the mother's passing. They didn't know her or barely knew about her, and for many who did, they didn't like her. A couple of us did attach to her to some degree but no one young to my knowledge ever called out for her, externally or internally, since that could be dangerous. We learned to attach to what was there when a healthy part of her happened to be available.

In the world of good enough parents, a child calling out for mommy is a completely normal thing to do. It's not surprising to me that young alters might still do the same, not grasping the passage of time.

I was never close to my mom. All I remember about her which isnt until about 8 years of age is that she was unpredictable. She degraded me. Made fun of my naked body. Sometimes she would hug me if something was going on with me but I never knew if she would get mad or hug me. She made fun of my OCD. She threatened to leave me at the orphange she drove me to if I did not get better. When the fact was that I had been harmed sexually in some way and couldnt cope. I dont have memory of it but the evidence is there. Sometimes my voices will say Mommy towards her. Mainly though I have spent nearly 'll my life trying to find a mother figure only to get hurt. I have a voice that says Mommy to alot of people I am close with. I think that no matter how horrible our mother treats us it is our first bond usually even if it wasn't a good bond. It is very hard to get over wanting what we had or what we never had. I believe that everyone needs and wants a Mommy. We gravitate to our bloodline for that as it should be because that's natural. I'm so sorry that your little needs a Mommy. I understand completely. My little Lily wants one as well. There is a Reddit forum. On that forum is a sub Reddit called Mommyforaminute. There are people there that are mothers and will talk to you when you need a Mommy. Been helpful to me on a few occasions if your interested.

-- Mon Aug 05, 2019 2:30 pm --

I was never close to my mom. All I remember about her which isnt until about 8 years of age is that she was unpredictable. She degraded me. Made fun of my naked body. Sometimes she would hug me if something was going on with me but I never knew if she would get mad or hug me. She made fun of my OCD. She threatened to leave me at the orphange she drove me to if I did not get better. When the fact was that I had been harmed sexually in some way and couldnt cope. I dont have memory of it but the evidence is there. Sometimes my voices will say Mommy towards her. Mainly though I have spent nearly 'll my life trying to find a mother figure only to get hurt. I have a voice that says Mommy to alot of people I am close with. I think that no matter how horrible our mother treats us it is our first bond usually even if it wasn't a good bond. It is very hard to get over wanting what we had or what we never had. I believe that everyone needs and wants a Mommy. We gravitate to our bloodline for that as it should be because that's natural. I'm so sorry that your little needs a Mommy. I understand completely. My little Lily wants one as well. There is a Reddit forum. On that forum is a sub Reddit called Mommyforaminute. There are people there that are mothers and will talk to you when you need a Mommy. Been helpful to me on a few occasions if your interested.

Hi there. Others have responded so I'll just add this.

ninas wrote:But she cried when I said I can't have a relationship with her if the whole family is there. she said she can't have a relationship with me if they're not there.

I am so sorry. This is familiar to me.

I allow my family of origin (FOO) no contact with my children unless I or their father are in the room with them at all times. And if any weirdness starts we whisk our children away. When I was first diagnosed with DID I struggled with whether my children were safe alone with me.

One of my grandmothers refused to ever be alone with her grandchildren when they were little, and her own children thought she was refusing to babysit out of abject selfishness. I am pretty sure she had DID too and I think she was aware enough to be afraid of hurting us. She was trying her best to keep us safe without exposing herself.

ninas wrote:Why don't I have feelings for my mom?

Possibly, likely, the feelings are dissociated. The part (parts?) that says "Mommy" may be holding some of those feelings.

ninas wrote:
But what is confusing now that I'm in my 50's is this voice that says mommy! when if she was alive, I still wouldn't have a relationship with her. She chose my brothers over me. My brothers sex abused me and my sister. But she cried when I said I can't have a relationship with her if the whole family is there. she said she can't have a relationship with me if they're not there. I don't feel one way or the other about that. she was the one crying for a relationship, not me. I don't understand why part of me calls mommy! but I don't have memories that are close to her.

Why don't I have feelings for my mom?

This part here speaks to us. One of my littles (lucy) also cries and cries for mommy, I understand her deeply. Our parents were supposed to love us endlessly and by deciding to put our abusers before us they tore our worlds apart. What helps us is to comfort the voice. To say "Hey, I know you're hurting and I want you to know that's okay. We will get through this and if you need to cry, cry. If you want to scream, scream. We can heal together". This usually calm us all down, especially if I direct it at the crying little, also hugging stuffed animals and being in a cozy blanket helps.

Sending you lots of hugs

I have parts from infant to adult fixated on various memories/instincts regarding mommy. I have half of a mother though, I should be satisfied but it torments me. She created some of my younger alters because she is covert/high-functioning OSDD herself (my diagnosis), not because she's a bad person. We're cordial and she misses me, but she kicked me out and moved away because of a man. That was after she told me I could always live with her as long as I was working or going to school. I was in college and I had a job and she kicked me out because her man told me to get my stuff and get out. That was 20 years ago and I didn't feel it when she broke my heart again. I don't know if she remembers.