Advice on accepting having alters?

Hi there! i am new here and figured it would be a good source of advice.

So before I get to the point, a bit of history:
I have known I am a system since 2016. i was aware of alters before, but did not know they were alters until late 2016.

The problem, is that despite all this time, I fail to consistently accept my alters, and get in phases where i repress them and worsen dissociation and make them rather unhappy. I find it overwhelming, especially having nearly 30 (likely more i dont know of yet), and i find it embarrassing, for reasons it seems bizarre to friends i've told, AND i get embarrassed about my introjects.

If any of you have some advice on how i can help myself from having these phases of doubt and repression so often, I would appreciate it! For reference, I don't have access to therapy for roughly another year, and have to work on things myself until then. Thanks in advance!

Hi,

A couple of things... I think hosts aren't supposed to believe all this. It's part of your job to keep going by doing a "disavowing any knowledge of their actions." kind of thing.

Also they're not your alters. You're an alter too - just the adult out front kind. So you are part of the system - only designed to be a kind of clueless part.

Iain

Hi,

I totally agree with birdsong.

There's also a difference between disagreeing and just like it not being your thing. In our system Raven has this spiritual practice and we mostly make room for it because he's part of the team.

Sometimes someone disagrees. Then they have to work it out. We have to talk about how important it is and if maybe we can do it sometimes and not others. Also we know we're just not going to be super consistent on some things.

Iain

Hi Kirisame, welcome to the forum!

The doubt stuff affects everyone I think, or almost everyone. I'm a 16yo alter in an older body (ugh) and I only just 'woke up' less than 2 years ago, and even with all that I feel the doubt and denial stuff sometimes too!

I dunno if there's a way to stop it from happening, but there's different ways to deal with it. There's a thread about dealing with denial that might help?
dissociative-identity/topic213678.html

We get the embarassment stuff too, like V1 was super embarassed about having littles. That's harder to get over for some of us. Having stuffies and toys around the house and kids shows on tv, you just get used to it eventually lol. Or you block it out and get amnesia about it. But its better to get used to it I think.

And we always suggest keeping a journal, if you don't already. It helped us alot, especially at first, to get over the disbelief and stuff at first. And it helps sometimes with communication and stuff. Like, everyone needs to know its ok for them to write in it too. We have different coloured pens and stuff incase different parts wanna use different colours.

Good luck!

V2

Thank you both for the advice!

I'm still working on viewing it as us being one whole team rather than 'hosts make the rules, so don't get in the way', I know it would help a whole lot if I accept that myself and the other host aren't essentially dictators over our life and we can all co-exist without any plans I make genuinely getting ruined like I seem to expect. My own failure to adjust to a proper system dynamic has definitely been a large source of our dysfunction and I need to keep in mind every bad thing I believe will happen, is not actually going to happen.

We should definitely do a journal, though!
I have a private server on Discord where we can leave messages to each other, but I haven't encouraged actual journaling yet, and I definitely should. If I can encourage everyone to leave at least just a little spill about what they did while fronting, stuff they want us to work on, etc. that may ease my doubts (and also assist in helping me know how to communicate better.)

I definitely want to learn to befriend and cooperate with my alters instead of falling down a hole where I pretend like I made all this up or just want to run away and not have to deal with it. I appreciate the replies and I will put the advice to good use

Welcome to the forum, Kirisame!

Phases of denial and doubt are VERY common. If you search on "denial" you'll find a lot of posts. Journaling, like V2 said, is really helpful. Usually denial kicks in when the system is feeling overwhelmed for some reason--like if there is something stressful going on inside or outside. We try to have compassion for the part that is resisting accepting the others while also trying to make sure we're still meeting everyone's needs. It's a tricky balance.

Hi,

Sorry everybody about posting my second post that was supposed to go on another thread. I was wondering where it was (and getting kind of mad about it) but I just put it in the wrong place.

Iain

Ask your therapist to allow who ever it is to bait the system.

What's the real problem? Accepting DID diagnose or dealing with how other parts are like? Is there any improvement?

Sami

IainEtc wrote:Hi,

A couple of things... I think hosts aren't supposed to believe all this. It's part of your job to keep going by doing a "disavowing any knowledge of their actions." kind of thing.

Sometimes, even for us hosts, that becomes IMPOSSIBLE. I was confronted last April with CONCRETE PROOF that some long time friends online were "all me" (how it appeared to others, and me at the time).
It took some two months in therapy, mostly weekly then, to REALLY understand what was going on. It took LONGER to accept it- but to say a host should always be "denying" isn't entirely true. UP UNTIL they are made aware, I will totally agree. Had anyone, prior to that one morning last April, suggested it to me (and it WAS accused/suggested a few times over the years), I would have laughed and denied it outright. What made last year special and different was the sheer volume of HARD evidence. Literal physical evidence they didn't exist physically on their own; that their internet activity originated from MY PC, etc.
I had no choice but to accept it.

IainEtc wrote:Also they're not your alters. You're an alter too - just the adult out front kind. So you are part of the system - only designed to be a kind of clueless part.

Iain

THAT has been hard to adapt to- in fact, I STILL struggle with that. I call the others "my alters" still. I say "they are part of me" when talking to others, trying to explain it. PARTLY b/c they will get it easier, and accept it easier... partly b/c it's still (16 months later) VERY HARD to accept "I am just part of the machine, too"... I still struggle with that.
I think that will be a long time to FULLY come to terms with- I hope the more others are made closer, the better our relationships get, the more shared awareness, etc... that that will help change this and I'll struggle less with it.

-- Mon Aug 05, 2019 12:01 pm --

Kirisame wrote:Hi there! i am new here and figured it would be a good source of advice.

So before I get to the point, a bit of history:
I have known I am a system since 2016. i was aware of alters before, but did not know they were alters until late 2016.

The problem, is that despite all this time, I fail to consistently accept my alters, and get in phases where i repress them and worsen dissociation and make them rather unhappy. I find it overwhelming, especially having nearly 30 (likely more i dont know of yet), and i find it embarrassing, for reasons it seems bizarre to friends i've told, AND i get embarrassed about my introjects.

If any of you have some advice on how i can help myself from having these phases of doubt and repression so often, I would appreciate it! For reference, I don't have access to therapy for roughly another year, and have to work on things myself until then. Thanks in advance!

I have known for 16 months and it's been a very difficult and hard road to walk... My best advice is try and communicate. Get a notebook for a "journal" or type something- and INVITE THEM to take part, a safe and private ONLY FOR YOUR EYES (all of you)... Get to know them, let them get to know you (you might be surprised to find they KNOW YOU very well, some of them- I have been).
For me, getting more familiar with the other alters, getting more communication between us, and getting to regularly express things with and to each other has really opened my eyes and mind up to this. First and foremost, I SEE things written _I_ did NOT write. SOMEONE did... and that's a huge reality check. Second, their handwriting is often very different, their wording is, and things they express (how they feel about this or that event/person; their hopes, dreams, and fears) are often very different from ME and something I'd think or express.
This forces me to see them for who/what they are- different people as part of a whole "me". It also gives me a lot of insight into who they are, and by doing this, we're learning about each other... Familiarity breeds comfort. Try and talk to them, encourage and ask them to take part... be patient, it's slow at first (for some of us, it's STILL very slow or not at all), but it's rewarding and very helpful in coming to terms with how you (all) exist.