reality check? human decency + employment, please

so I am so furious and flabbergasted by what happened today and I would really like y'alls opinion and feedback.

backstory on my manager - we had a good working relationship previously. she doesn't micromanage...in fact she generally sucks at management but she's nice, sticks up for you, and is a real firecracker on the job (in a good way). but she manages very poorly when legal and HR are involved. she is so scared of doing something wrong that she sucks. I have a lot of observational data on this with many employees so it is a fair assessment of her in the workplace.

the ###$ $#%^ circus that took ######6 place today:

after enduring 9 days of fluorescent hell (I have extreme photosensitivity, thanks TBIs) the ergonomics guy finally came and set up a shield to block the worst light bay. I said that was great and could we just fix the other ones. and he gave me this one sideways look of really? and I said something like "yes really, I cant explain how horribly painful it is, I cannot bear the lights at all." i explained that two of the bays already had diffusers that just needed to be adjusted since they moved me to a new cube. so ergonomics guy had facilities guy come adjust those and put up a few new ones. and as he was adjusting the last one. and for once actually working with me to adjust them at the right angle. ....... y'all as he turned that last diffuser into place the relief washed over me like the grace of God. it was indescribable. and I began to weep.

he saw me and I just said, "thank you so much" and he nodded his head with a look of sympathy which I've never seen him use before. he's always treated me like a whiny bitch before and installed diffusers while I was away on lunch. it kind of shocked me. anyway I realized I was gonna a have a cry. so I was just collecting up my badge to excuse myself when the girl next door asked if I was alright and I said, "yes. I'm just so relieved it's such a relief from the pain. I'm just having a little cry and I'll go get myself sorted."

there are 800 people in my building and most of them are women. we all have a little cry. ALL THE ######6 TIME. at our desks. in the bathroom. outside on the benches. chicks ######6 cry sometimes. work is stressful we are a HUGE ######6 company and the pressure is high. so are the salaries. there is absolutely nothing unusual about excusing yourself to have a moment. or seeing someone in the bathroom cleaning themselves up after a cry.

well. because our bathrooms have horrible watermelon scent things and I cant breathe in there. I went outside and sat in the gazebo and had a little 5 minute cry. and I went to walk back inside and saw MY BOSS AND SOMEONE FROM HR WALKING OUT TO MEET ME. there was a lovely awkwardness where they made no eye contact until we were withing 3 feet. they said hey rebecca.

I dont remember a blow by blow but it became apparent they had walked out there to stick their noses in my $#%^. at which point I was just like are you kidding?? we all chick cry. this is completely normal. why am I talking to my boss and HR? this is ridiculous!! at which point my boss just pussies out and leaves. I guess I must have explained why I was crying before that because I remember my boss hearing me explain that I was crying out of pure relief after having endured the pain for nine days.

so then I just told the HR lady that I was sick of getting treated like this. that I am a functioning and independent adult who has been medically cleared to return to work and I shouldn't be talking to HR every time I fart. and my idiot coworkers need to get their $#%^ together and stop being weird uncomfortable ###$ who dont talk to me ( these are all new people who dont know me because of mega staffing changes while I was out. I have one homie on the team and we came back at the same time. she was out 8 weeks of maternity leave and nobody is in her $#%^ at all. we are being treated INSANELY DIFFERENTLY YOU CANNOT EVEN ######6 IMAGINE WHICH IS WHY I THINK WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO ME IS ######6 ILLEGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and show what a ###$ moron my idiot boss is being because her asshole pucker every time HR gets anywhere near her department.

###$ I derailed. sum up. wtf was that $#%^? am I the crazy one?

this is not an isolated incident. they have been inappropriately sweating my balls the WHOLE time and my boss ######6 ignores me and every time I turn around she's doing some stupid $#%^ with HR. I had an IT ticket on my computer and she reported it to HR. like seriously? I had an update guck up my MS office and put in a ticket for repair. and she escalated it to HR? she's so ######6 terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing that she does NOTHING. so no bringing up my speed. she didn't even ######6 tell me what new jobs had been created. and it's not like it would be confusing. there were 2 of us, now there's five. I feel like we could have covered that pretty easily. she is under a ton of pressure from C suite now, fwiw.

oh and HR chick? she said that my boss came and got her because my coworkers went and got her. WHAT THE ######6 ###$ ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? and everybody thought it was a good idea to send ######6 HR out to make sure I was OK. am I gonna a hang myself from the ######6 gazebo???? am I gonna get eaten by a rabid squirrel because I'm too weak to protect myself? WTF are y'all so worried about that you need to ensure my safety and well being???

I cant believe I had to stand on the sidewalk of the building and explain to HR that I am a functioning adult. I can walk. I can talk. I can drive. I am completely capable of requesting assistance if I need it. that I have been medically cleared to return to work and that I am a human being not an amoeba in a petri dish. wtf???????????????? arrrrrgrhrgrgrgrggrrgrgrgrgrgrgr. ######6 ###$ #####&!!!!!!!!!!

As always, I am just SO amazed and impressed by your ability to state your needs and feelings in the moment, and to stick up for yourself!! It sounds like you were very clear and straightforward--with the facilities guy, with your co-workers, with your boss, and with HR.

I think all you need to do is to continue to be that way--let your co-workers know that you know when you're fine and when you're not fine (if that's true), and that they need a higher threshold for going to get the boss. It sounds like most of them don't know you, so maybe it will just take time. It was only your first week, and I'm sure they're adjusting as much as you are.

And yay--you got through your first week!!!

Ah, the corporate world. I hear you.

With everyone so much on edge, and changes happening that you didn't know were coming, it sounds like something big is going on that is not about you, that is way bigger than you, and you know nothing about it.

You are super defensive right now and it shows. Just slow that way down, okay? Your boss reports your IT ticket to HR. So what? How is this a problem for you? I mean how is it really a problem? Set aside how you think it looks, what you imagine it may signify about what your boss might be thinking about you. What if this is happening because for some reason you don't know boss is in deep trouble with the company and her job is hanging by a thread? Nothing to do with you. Did you ask her, calmly and without any editorializing, why she reported the IT ticket to HR?

Now you need to make repairs with HR. You could drop by her office next week, preferably Monday, and let her know you were frazzled to a crisp on Friday but now (Monday) you are much better. The lights gave you migraines (or whatever) for days and it was nearly intolerable, then suddenly it felt so incredibly good that the person who came to fix the lights got your input and acted on it. And the relief! You were surprised and overwhelmed. You want to thank him for the extra good work. So, HR lady, is there a form for that?

Hi beccabee,

You are so powerful to just talk to them like that. Getting stuff done!!! I really admire you.

Iain

I'm sorry if I made it look like I showed my ass. I'm not sure I did?

yes. I did ask my boss why she escalated a smile IT ticket to HR. she said multiple people were having computer issues and she wanted their weight to push IT for help. I thanked her for explaining and admitted that I was probably just being overly self-conscious about things. yes there are tons of things in play. but I didn't want to gunk up the post with work drama. yeah. she is losing her $#%^ about things completely unrelated to me. but that doesn't change the fact that she has mismanaged the ###$ out of this.

I dont believe there was antagonism with HR. I am very diplomatic with a sense of humor, I pointed out the absolute absurdity of the entire situation. she laughed and admitted she had in fact had a ten minute cry at her own desk yesterday. and agreed that my medical documentation stated exactly that I was capable and independent. she is lower on the totem pole. an overworked admin. she told me to talk to the director and I refused saying I dont want to make trouble I just want to be treated with the same common decency and respect as everyone else in the building and this running to the boss and running to HR business was absurd. she seemed to completely agree with me. we do have a recognition program and I use it. I didn't lose my $#%^ over one thing. I finally laid down a boundary after repeated infringements on my basic human right to respect and privacy. I have been absolutely cooperative and forthcoming in every meeting and interaction. I come on here and vent and say things I would never say there. I did apologize to the HR girl that she even had to hear me say this. that I couldn't believe I had to explain this.

my ASSUMPTION is that my boss got some basic legal advisement that she is not allowed to make inquiries about my medical condition. so her asshole puckered and either told that to others or they are just picking up on her vibe. because tons of people in the office have no problem asking me how I'm doing. if I'm ok. what happened. so glad to see you back. great news. whatever. they arent weird about it. but NO ONE. NO ONE in my department has ever even come close to saying hey how's it going? nothing. not my boss. or my director who I previously had a close working relationship with. like where is the breakdown of them realizing I am a human and if they want to know how I'm doing or if I'm okay they could just ask me? because I'm a human and I speak English. I dont get where the breakdown is. I'm not being weird. I'm saying hello. I'm making conversation. what would be weird would be for me to all the sudden get way too personal and unload about my medical condition. I have said I know I look a little weird with the hat and all. I'm just really sensitive to the lights so I'm acknowledging it and being cool about it. and B19 is like really charming. she's so good at that.

I am of the opinion that I'm sorry my boss is losing her $#%^ under the pressure of the current visibility of her role and the increase in head count to manage. she needs to get her $#%^ together and stop treating me so different from everybody else. how about this $#%^???? on Friday of last week (this is my second week back) I hit this brick wall of fatigue. I left two hours early. COMPLETELY ######6 NORMAL FOR LIKE EVEYONE IN THE BUILDING. my boss had left at 12. my director left at 2. I knew I had to go home or it wouldn't be safe for me to drive. so I did what everybody does and has always done. emailed my boss, set my out of office, told my teammates and bounced. a half hour later maternity girl did the EXACT SAME ######6 THING. I was reprimanded through email that I should have notified the director. I replied that he was also out of office and I had to leave due to severe neural fatigue and did what our group has always done. she wrote back that I should have then notified HR. to which I asked if there were some rules I was supposed to be following I didn't know about? and she wrote back that it's because I'm under a doctor's care.....(?)

um. no. I am medically cleared to return to work. and EVRY SINGLE #####& in that building is under a doctors care for something. asthma. eczema. arthritis. I dont give a ###$. everybody's got something. there is no justifiable reason to treat me differently. maternity homegirl did the exact same ######6 thing and nobody said $#%^. I'm not a legal expert but that seems like ######6 discrimination to me.

I hate corporate drama and fluorescent lights. Very stressful. If you think it is discrimination, maybe you could start building a paper trail. Make a written record of each incident with the date. Then when you have that evidence you can show it to the appropriate person. You could check your local law if you can record your conversations in case a written record isn't enough.

I mean yeah. I've checked the local laws and we are single consent so I can record but like I dont feel that way. I just want to right to do my job. and the Americans with Disabilities Act states I have the legal right to work. I do my research on the Equal Employment Oppurtunity Commission and Job Accomodation Network. but I'm not going into it with an adversarial attitude. like I'm sorry I'm a special snowflake bit just fix the lights and I'll shut up forever I promise. I want to keep my job for as long as I possibly can.

I think I am being defensive. AND I think they are also being assholes so it's a bad combo. I am playing the paper trail game. they're playing it so I'm just playing along. but I know how to be smart about it. like when our team was assigned extra workload for remote work to meet a deadline I made sure to include metrics on that when analyzed prove I performed 62% of the workload assigned to four people. 1 never responded. the other two combined pussied out and didn't even meet me halfway. I made that deadline. and it was a big fat ######6 deal all the way up to the corporate jet.

I hope I'm not being a condescending ass. I try to include references and resources in case anybody else is looking for answers. and I've tried to open a dialogue with my boss several times but she is too frazzled to cinpute anything.

I'm going to try no to think about it but I am wondering.......what will the ACTUAL HR lady think when the "incident" is discussed. and probably ######6 documented. who looks like more of an ass? me or my boss. idk. bonus fact. there are no mid level HR staff who would be handling this. just admin and director. another reason its ###$.

-- Fri Aug 02, 2019 7:50 pm --

PS. also thank you everybody for listening and responding and hearing me. I was so ######6 furious I hot flashed for an hour afterwards. finally got to reasonable lunch breaking time and left the building. blasted the AC and called my little brother in the Pacific at 6am his time and just said dude. I need to vent so I dont lose my $#%^ at work. and I know you will listen and just let me be angry. and he did. for 45 minutes.

I cannot even begin to tell you guys how absolutely furious I got after the fact. when I really thought about just how ###$ up it was. oh and I remember how it went down...

hey rebecca. hi ladies.
are you ok?
yeah I'm ok. I was just so relieved when the lights got fixed. I can explain the relief after 9 days of pain. I just had to have a little cry.
oh. ok. we were worried about you. and wanted to make sure you were ok.
of course I'm fine but I dont understand why you both came out here to check on me. we all have a chick cry now and then. I'm allowed to have little cry like everybody else.

boss; I'm gonna let you handle this (to admin woman!) and ######6 bounces.

I'm glad you had someone close to you that you could call, and you did call.

It is hard to tell from your posts what represents dialogue and what represents your meta comment about the dialogue. I am going to treat the following as dialogue.

BeccaBee wrote:hey rebecca.

hi ladies.

are you ok?

yeah I'm ok. I was just so relieved when the lights got fixed. I can explain the relief after 9 days of pain. I just had to have a little cry.

oh. ok. we were worried about you. and wanted to make sure you were ok.

of course I'm fine but I dont understand why you both came out here to check on me. we all have a chick cry now and then. I'm allowed to have little cry like everybody else.

boss; I'm gonna let you handle this (to admin woman!) and ######6 bounces.

Okay, first: ######6 bounces. Sounds like there was something else you wanted her to say or do. What was that?

Second: your replies are way too long and insinuate there is some sort of conspiracy theory, some plot, motivating their approach. You don't like their approaching you together but that doesn't make them enemies, malicious, inept, or whatever. Not meaning to attack you here: why are certain aspects of this interaction such hot buttons for you? What exactly are those aspects? Most of your coworkers are new, so probably don't share much with you. If they were off by themselves crying, would you have any way of knowing if boss and HR lady approached them or not? You seem to think you are being singled out, but that may not be the case.

Finally: I do not think it is normal for a lot of employees to be crying at work, for any reason. It sounds like a very high stress, miserable work environment. I gather you worked there some time ago, left, just recently came back and there are a lot of new people. A new dynamic likely will emerge, not like it was before. That will require some adjustment from you.

Clearly I am not at the top of my game, as I have little energy for empathetic, supportive, bonding comments. This is why I am not a therapist!

it is and employment opportunities are limited.

it's not that I wanted her to say or do more.

1. why would anybody go to my boss and say anything about me having a private moment that is none of their business?

2. why is my bosses reaction to go to HR instead of me?

3. why do they think it's ok to come out and get in my business?

I dont think I should be under a microscope when no one else is.

I understand your skepticism but yes. I am absolutely being singled out and treating differently.

that wasnt dialogue but sort of how it evolved. there are answers were longer but it's that fluffy #######4 people say that doesn't mean anything. "we came out here because we were told you were crying and we were concerned for you and wanted blah blah blah blah is everything ok?" I really felt that my privacy was grossly invaded. we are allowed a 15 minute morning break. it's not anyone's business. and it also really pisses me off when people talk about me behind my back. so employees telling my manager, who then goes to HR. its ###$ ridiculous.

I dont mean to imply that everyone is crying all the time, every day. but everybody has done it and does do it and it is an accepted norm among the women. we even have a code phrase "would you like some water?" and it means I see you are losing your $#%^ are you cool? and ######6 weekly you see somebody tearing up and walking off in the hallway. that's the ######6 truth. they cant even talk about how stressed they are so they have to walk away before they cry.

and it's also very normal for people to exit the building. we have morning,
lunch and afternoon breaks and people exit to use the outdoor spaces and walk around the campus frequently. what I did was not unusual and not anyone else's business. I also was not loud or made a scene in any way. I wasnt sobbing I was quietly weeping.

I do appreciate help understanding the situation. I understand why I got so pissed. I dont understand why anybody thinks it's their ######6 business if I walk outside for a minute to catch my breath. and how many chances there were for one reasonable person to realize they were being absurd and could maybe not act like assholes. and give me some basic human decency. its insulting.

I like both these women personally and have a good working relationship with them. I just dont understand the disconnect that is going through their minds. I feel like they are treating me like an invalid imbecile. now I know I'm projecting that $#%^. but their behavior still seems really out of line and inappropriate. to me. when considered against the prevailing company culture

I know my bad typing and autocorrect is also impeding me. I'm so glad I can talk about this here. I need to have it processed or and be able to do any necessary damage control on Monday. I know the lights had a lot to do with it and I know to be humble and conciliatory and explain that the lighting was very difficult and now that ots resolved yada yada. but it doesn't come out right when you carry that undercurrent of hostility so I really do need to process it and move forward.

empathy and support have their place but understanding the disconnect is hard. I can usually put myself in other people's shoes but I bewildered that anybody thinks singling me out this way is appropriate. and we all know that even though they are wearing the cloak of concern that's absolute #######4. I dont know if its just plain nosiness...... or ignorance. I dont know.

oh yes I've always worked there. I am returning from medical leave and they are treating me like I cant be trusted to wipe my own ass. they re-org every three years and the $#%^ storm is swirling through again. our department is under unprecedented pressure and exposure to perform- thus the increase in headcount. my boss losing her $#%^. and everybody being too busy to bring me up to speed on anything. the other ones being really new to the company and kind of still deer in the headlights.

after having slept on this I'm pretty sure I did the right thing.

they were put of line and I needed to stand up for myself and give that feedback.

now that the lights are fixed and I've said my peace I'm going to keep my head down at work and just grind. be super diplomatic as always. there is still a difficult conversation to have with my boss. she has created new positions to do the hot shot things I did for her. she still doesn't understand that I cant be the superstar I was. and she doesn't understand I have that self awareness. she has been too busy to have this conversation with me and may be dreading it.... another reason why she is putting it off. but once we have it and clear the air things will be a lot better.

FWIW- I have consistently outperformed everyone at work in every position I've ever been in. so much so that they have never been able to successfully replace me with just 1 person once I leave a role. I was a bad ass #####&. even going down a couple notches like I have I am still better than 50% of the workforce. so I'm not worried about being able to do my job. or being perceived as able to do my job. its just better to have this conversation on the front end so boss has realistic expectations and we can set realistic goals. I'm not leaving her in the lurch. she has other superstars and they get paid to do it. I'm down a level with the grunts and that's who I want to be now. I'd rather be the best grunt than the worst superstar. and need to get on the same page with my boss. I think we are both very close to where we need to be she just needs to set aside a few minutes for this conversation and quit rescheduling it. her delays just give me more anxiety. I dont even think I have to tell her......I think if I just let her talk she will talk her own self into understanding i need to be assigned job duties consistent with my assigned role. she has had so many ######6 staffing changes she hasn't got it all straight in her own head yet. but we will all settle into our roles eventually. I'm ready to get this conversation over with so she can chill the ###$ out on being so scared of saying or doing the wrong thing. I know I sound really critical of her because she is mishandling this situation..... but she's actually really great and supportive and doing her best. she's just really bad at this part, doesn't know how to say it, is worried she will hurt my feelings, and is so ######6 busy she barely has time to take a piss.

how this all blows over soon.