Kat's Journey

Hi everyone who reads this...

I realized we never made an introduction here and I'm always shy to post on the board.
But I'd sometimes like to be not so alone with everything. And also I thought if I make a journey thread here it might help me and us to see progress and who's out over time and so on.

I hope my others feel free to join in on here.

So I'm Kat. I'm twelve years old. I do the host job (its a job we pass around) a lot. But only if things aren't too scary outside. When things are too scary for me Jo, my brother who is 15-17 usually takes over the hosting job. So he'll be posting here as well I hope.

We live in a 31 year old female body. I dunno if thats important...I don't really like thinking about it so much.
We have a really really nice therapist and we see her once a week and she's a specialist with DID stuff and I really like her. We go there for a year or so.

I sometimes would like to tell our T a lot of things but another one of us, Jeri, causes pain in my stomach when she thinks I shouldn't do that. It hurts so much that if I try to talk about what I thought about before I fear I'll have to throw up. So I change the subject then.

Sorry this is all over the place I guess.

I try to think of what could be important.
I dunno. I love the two cats who live with us and I like watching funny series like 3Below or How to Train Your Dragon.
But most of the time when I have the host job I have to go to work.
I can do that cuz I can calculate and talk about adult stuff and I can pass as an adult. But sometimes that gets really hard and I get really tired of it. And the lady we work for is very scary sometimes.

And that's a thing...when I'm out everyone of the adults we know (like our T and our friends and the custumers at our work place and our boss lady) they think I'm one of them (one of the adults) but I can't process things like adults. I don't think I'm describing this very good
It's like I have to play along so much but I am getting so little of what's really going on.
I mean at work or with friends that's ok cuz nobody knows we are a system and we have to stay hidden for our safety.
(I tried explaining DID to some of our best friends...it's not that they left us which is good...but they kind of ignore the fact that we told them...that's ok but it means we have to wear our masks to not make them uncomfortable and loose them - but for me often this reinforces the feeling of not being right, I feel like being wrong and bad for having a system and not being able to be 'normal' or at least an adult.)

But when I'm at our T lady I feel I can't really comunicate how I feel cuz of Jeri and sometimes cuz I don't really understand how I feel/like which words would I use. And then I mask it with the smart words and stuff cuz I don't want to sit there and say nothing. Sometimes I wish the T lady could just play a game (like a board game or a card game) with me and ask the questions then so I don't have to sit in the chair in front of her but have something else to concentrate on.

I should talk to her about that and I know that. But it is so hard when Jeri hurts me so much inside when I try to speak about needs.

I try to talk to Jeri and I know she just wants to protect us and is also influenced by another guy who belongs to a subsystem we don't know yet. I am afraid of Jeri and also of the influence of that other guy. Communication is very scary and hard in that direction. But I try.

I think that's enough for one post. I don't expect answers though. I just wanted to write this down and in a place where I don't feel so alone cuz people understand cuz they have also systems.

(I dunno if it is odd though that our front system is run only by kids and teenagers. I know in the other subsystems are adults and one woman who broke of another subsystem helps us sometimes. Our system (like mine and Jo's and Jeri's) is here up front for two years or so. We took the front / or the front was deserted by another subsystem after a very traumatic event.)

Bye for now
Kat

Hi Kat! Nice to meet you.

I'm V2 (violet 2) and I'm 16. I kinda share hosting stuff with two others in our system but for like 6 months it was mostly me. Our body is almost 50 but we're like two teens and a 22yo. I know what you mean about using the masks and having to fit in with adults and stuff cos of work and stuff.

That's a really good idea about just doing something like playing a game with the T instead of just sitting there. What if you wrote some stuff like that down on a piece of paper and gave it to her? Do you think Jeri would try to stop you doing that too? That might make it easier to tell the T lady stuff. We do that too, not all the time but lots of times we bring a note to give and let our T read it and its way easier than talking about the stuff.

V2

Hi V2 so nice to meet you too and thanks a lot for your nice reply

one of the worst things for me of wearing the masks for work and other important stuff is that sometimes people start to flirt with me when I am just being nice. and I have to be nice at the job. and then I really dunno what to do about it cuz I really don't like when they look at me like I am an adult who they can flirt with. confuses me so much.

I tried writing down the stuff I can't talk about and then I brought it to the T sessions. and some of the stuff was easier to say then. but the real hard stuff about needs and my limitations of processing things I couldn't say and also I couldn't give her what I had written down cuz Jeri hurt me bad inside.

Sometimes when I haven't seen her in a long time cuz others of us where at the T sessions I wish I could write her an email. but it's a big system rule not to bother her outside of the sessions ever. so I don't do that eventhough I think it would help sometimes and maybe she wouldn't be that bothered.
but when I even try to think about doing it others give me a headache and make me feel dizzy and nauseous until I drop the idea.

but as a last resort I might give her the link to this thread. but not soon. cuz for now I need to promise Jeri that it's just for me. cuz otherwise she'll forbid it and hurt me.

If I can't be there in the next session I try to give a note to her through another one of us. but the next session is not next week cuz there is a holiday when we would see the T lady. so I have to wait until the week after.

I feel depressed for weeks now. I think it's cuz of the ongoings with Jeri and that other guy. I think he's hurting her bad and and I wish she would let us help her. but she refuses to go to the T lady cuz she doesn't trust Ts in general and says that we will only be hurt by even trying to trust her.
also Jeri says that bad things will happen to us when we talk about the things with her (the T lady).
I dunno what the bad things are that could happen on the outside. maybe the other guy would front and do bad things like staying out and drinking and other bad stuff. I think that happend years ago. I don't want that to happen. that's why I'm afraid of him. but also I don't want him near anyone of us including Jeri of course.

but I'm sure on the inside he continues to do terrible things to her when she doesn't keep us in line.
and I know she's protecting us in keeping us 'in line'. but I know it's hurting her so bad at the same time cuz of that guy.
I try so hard to think of a solution for it. I can't get into comunnication with the guy of the other subsystem whos hurting Jeri. He'll just hurt her more. He's there to push the other subsystems will and rules on us I think. but that's all I can gather in information about him. I don't even have an idea who his subsytem contains and where it is and when it was active.
(sorry I'm just thinking out loud here and try to assess the situation with that guy and Jeri)

not long ago. when something sad happend I couldn't cope with the situation. as a result my inner place (a tower that used to be on our inner house - the house I share with my subsystem silblings) broke off of the house and was placed in 'Iceland' (a place in the inner world that is much like antarctica). that is very far away from my old home and I feel sad and alone there. but safe. I tried to put my tower back to the house with my imagination and stuff but it didn't work. my tower stays in the icelands. so when I go inside I feel isolated and numb and every communication effort to the others (who are in the house) is so much harder than before. like I have to talk through thick fog or have to like 'astral project' into the house space...so my inner body isn't really there and I feel like a ghost in the house of the others.
(I couldn't talk to anybody outside about this cuz everytime I try I feel they would never be able to understand the workings of the inner world and it will just sound like batsh##t crazy to them sorry to word it that way...I'm not supposed to cuss)

I should do a very important thing today. but I feel too depressed and just want to stay home with the kitties and maybe watch a funny movie. cuz also tomorrow night I have to go to work and that will be exhausting cuz it will be late and I hate staying out late and having to go home when it's dark.
but I have to do that tomorrow cuz of the money we get. so maybe it's ok to stay home today and rest. but it feels bad not to do the important thing today. I hate the adult stuff so much sometimes.

thanks for reading!
bye
Kat

SolanaceousClub wrote:Sometimes when I haven't seen her in a long time cuz others of us where at the T sessions I wish I could write her an email. but it's a big system rule not to bother her outside of the sessions ever. so I don't do that eventhough I think it would help sometimes and maybe she wouldn't be that bothered.
but when I even try to think about doing it others give me a headache and make me feel dizzy and nauseous until I drop the idea.

but as a last resort I might give her the link to this thread. but not soon. cuz for now I need to promise Jeri that it's just for me. cuz otherwise she'll forbid it and hurt me.

If I can't be there in the next session I try to give a note to her through another one of us. but the next session is not next week cuz there is a holiday when we would see the T lady. so I have to wait until the week after...

thanks for reading!
bye
Kat

Hi Kat,

I'm Sasha and I'm 20. We have someone who is 12 and does stuff with older people, but they're just college students and it's not as hard as doing grownup work. I try to help her though. We have a grownup who goes to work. I can do some grownup things but I don't like our job.

But what I wanted to say is that we had a big rule to NEVER contact our T outside of sessions because of a bad experience we had with another T, and then one of our protectors got mad and texted him on a Sunday morning, and he wrote back and was nice. So we gradually worked out how and when we could contact him and it has helped us A LOT to be able to text and email when different parts need to tell him things. One part ALWAYS feels like she's bothering him, and he's had to say a lot of times that it isn't a bother.

Also, you don't necessarily have to give your T the link to this; you could just print out the posts and give them to her or attach them to an email. We show our T lots of our posts on here and it helps him understand us better.

Bye!
Sasha <3 <3 <3

*** general trigger warning for this post: feeling depressed - please read with caution ***

Hi everyone!

and thank you so much for writing to me Sasha - it feels good to hear that we're not alone with this and that you guys found a way to communicate with your T eventho you had the same worries as we do.

I'm feeling too dizzy to form proper sentences.
It's cuz I have to go to work soon and I'm afraid of the mean boss lady. I know she's grumpy cuz she's been sick. and she lets it out on us always. but we're stuck in this cuz we aren't in the position to be picky about the jobs we get. we aren't even supposed to go to work cuz were sick. but the money we get isn't enough so we have to do this job and there are not many people who will employ a person whom they cannot pay officially.
dunno if I explained it right. point is we have to go. I have to go. but it does a lot of harm to us sometimes to be there.

Jeri was there with me yesterday. I felt awfully depressed. I think she did too. maybe it was spillover from her.




***TW - thoughts about self harm/suicidality/death ***
I know Jeri thinks about harming the body a lot. I get images from her - like what she wants to do and it scares me.
I know she wants to die in the inner world but we've explained to her that it won't work. I think she sometimes wants to die in the outside world too - eventho she knows that we'll die too then.
For me it is a constant struggle with her at the moment. I try to stay viligant so she can't sneak time and do the things she shows me pictures of. but this is so stressfull and I can't rest. and I'm scared.

but I know we had times like this before with Jeri. I try to see it as a chance to maybe find a better solution than in the past. after all it is a form of communication that is going on here. I hope I can find out how to help Jeri.

*** end trigger warning ****


so yeah yesterday was quite awful. I felt like crying all the time. and hurting a lot inside.



I gotta go now...
thanks again for the replies guys! I appreciate them so much!

bye
Kat

(I hope I put the trigger warnings right...please let me know if I should do it differently!)

Hi everyone!

things are a bit better today. I am so happy about that!

Jo took over yesterday before we got to work and he handled the day very well. I was just happy to relax in my inner place for a while.
I wish he could handle the work thing more often but he has so many other things to do on the inside (like really important things like keeping doors shut to the memory rooms)...he burns out fast when he has to do too much stuff on the outside cuz of that.

I am thinking of creating a signature for our account. but for some it doesn't feel safe to get their names named so I'll ask them to think about some aliases.

Also I forgot yesterday:

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Also, you don't necessarily have to give your T the link to this; you could just print out the posts and give them to her or attach them to an email. We show our T lots of our posts on here and it helps him understand us better.

Bye!
Sasha <3 <3 <3

Thank you Sasha, that is a really great idea to just print them out and not giving the link! I'll try to do that!

kat

Hi everyone,

I got a bit time outside - Jo and Ann hosted the past week while I stayed in my tower.

I didn't get to write a note to the T lady cuz I wasn't aware that time was passing and that it was already the appointment day and Ann went and talked to her.
I am sad that I couldn't go.

Ann says the T lady suggested doing specific trauma therapy with Ann. I guess cuz she holds trauma that influences our daily life.
She said we don't have to do it if we don't think it is good or if we aren't ready. She told Ann options how they could approach that...like EMDR, screen technique or just talking about it.
We had bad experiences with the screen technique so Ann told her we can't do that and our T understands that.
I feel like I was there a few seconds in the therapy session when they spoke about EMDR but I was scared by the topic and didn't know what to say so I switched back inside. I wished I could stay but didn't know how to tell her that it was me.

I dunno if Ann wants to do it I mean the trauma therapy. I'm scared about things getting stirrred up.
I am not sure if EMDR is safe for us (eventho we know our T lady is experienced in doing EMDR with systems not just with singletons). I get flashes of memories about having to look at stuff - I don't wanna do that somehow. I don't wanna go into that cuz I don't wanna trigger anyone.

I so want to go to therapy cuz I haven't been ther for a whole lot of time but I feel like I can't stay at the front for long. and I dunno what to say and talk about. I am in my tower most of the time and it is still in the icelands.
I don't want Jo or Ann to feel what I feel. If they got depressed like me they wouldn't be able to do the work we have to do.



***TW - trigger warning: conditioning, depression and pain - TW***

I am never supposed to cry. that feels awful. when you are so sad and you can't even cry and it just feels like my inside is breaking apart.
I am always afraid I could cry in therapy (or in front of friends). I never did that. None of us ever did cry in therapy. It happend very few times in front of friends like when we lost a friend and such. But we are forbidden to cry. I get really scared if one of us tears up. and I start to dissociate then.
I write about that cuz it is one of the rules Jeri is reinforcing. and it is one of the reasons I am scared to front at the moment. cuz I'm sad and nobody's supposed to see that or have to deal with that.

***end trigger warning***


so I better go inside again. I don't want to upset others by being sad. and Jo and Ann have to do the grown up stuff and that doesn't work if they get spill-over from me feeling sad.

bye everyone, thanks for reading!
Kat