Protector who uses DP/DR to "take me away" from feelings

I really relate to that "truth": that shared joy is stolen and shared pain is multiplied.

But only with "adults".
Other kids are fine.
And somehow i've been able to expand that towards people the body's age, and people about 10 years older.

Maybe you can find nuances is your belief, too?

Small steps are huge!

I really relate to your struggle, Gang. Not with respect to what happens with our T specifically, but with people and life in general.

Yet we can also see the wisdom in what birdsong is saying. For us, the challenge is to be okay with both truths at the same time.

Charity, with Mary nearby

we just published a general article on negotiating emotions, if you are interested in that.
similarities to you are based on the fact that this is a classic pattern, not because we wanted to lecture you in any way.

Thanks for the heads up, birdsong!! We're always interested in your articles and never view them as lecturing. Off to read it right now.

we read about something while researching emotion that we thought you might be interested in. a case study, the patient is only known as 'Elliot', studied by Damasio
Elliot had a brain damage that cut the connection to emotion. he was all mind.
he was also really miserable, not doing well in life, without direction or purpose. he couldn't make decisions for his life, so he just existed as a failure.
it turned out that emotions play a role in our thinking and decision process that is vital to ever get anywhere. being all mind without emotion doesn't work for a human being.
Damasio wrote "Decartes error", challenging the idea of cogito ergo sum, I think therefore I am.
we didn't read the book yet but it would be intersting.

Thanks, Asti.

We're making some progress with Watcher--trying for a few seconds at a time to feel present and connected to the T. Daring to share more and seeing that the T still likes us. Likes us even more. Making sure that Watcher sees and hears that.

But of course, each new accomplishment opens up new vistas of difficulty. Feeling more connected brings up feelings of loss for what we didn't get (which we're ok with telling the T about, even though it's hard), and ALSO, feelings of wanting physical contact (which most of us are NOT ok with telling the T about).

So that's another whole really difficult thing to deal with and we don't really have a clue how to handle it. At all. Those feelings feel uncontainable except by putting them away somewhere and not feeling them. Or by acting on them. Those appear to be the only two choices we know when we're with someone who brings up those feelings. First one isn't healthy (but has worked great for many years!), and the second one isn't appropriate in this situation, with this person (but has been our way of handling those feelings when we do let ourselves feel them).

Definitely could use advice about this.

it takes some skill to navigate things.
tbh, we do numb emotions at times, especially me, when its too much. thats ok as long as there is no better coping. at least it prevents behavior that is inappropriate.
(I swear that 'healthy' people also numb all the time! we don't have to feel all the time)
we are currently writing about expressing emotion. that is like a healthy middle ground between numbing and going too far and acting without control.
it is absolutely possible to have a feeling and explore it and express it without acting on it.
you would usually use some form of art that suits you. and express the feeling, not the impulse, find an expression, a form, a voice for it. write, paint, sculpt, sing (or rap), whatever fits.
we do need to manage emotions when we allow them to be felt. it can be learned.
maybe your T can tell you more about it. a lot of what we know is done with a partner who asks good questions about the feelings... co-regulation plays such a big role in it.
basically, thats where it would be cool to have a good friend who can listen with empathy. sharing, naming it, means starting to tame it.
I will do my best to publish something beginning of next week.

I think birdsong already gave really good advice.

Mine is maybe more unrealistic. I tend to opt for feeling and observing.
So you feel the whole bunch and you don't do anything about it. Or, well, there IS a specific way I taught myself to deal with it and it's a little weird but... OK, so you imagine that you are a roundpen. Specifically, you are the fence. And all your feelings are like wild horses that are running around inside of you. I tend to name the feelings. If I don't know what it is called I name them actual horse names, like Balthasar or stuff like that.
Even if you don't do anything at all, the horses will eventually calm down all by themselves. They will tire and maybe start eating the grass close to the fence.

But you can utilize tools to help the horses calm down. You can use clowns to distract them. You can use cowboys to try to ride them and win their trust. But all the while, you are the fence. You don't have to do anything. You're so big and strong that no matter what, the horses will be contained and safe.


The other metaphor is that feelings are like a car and you are the driver. You can't just dictate where you want to go, because you have to follow the traffic lights and rules. You can't just *change* your feelings, but if you follow the roads and rules, you CAN get to a different place eventually. That means that you can influence your feelings, but not control them.

fireheart wrote:you imagine that you are a roundpen. Specifically, you are the fence. And all your feelings are like wild horses that are running around inside of you. I tend to name the feelings. If I don't know what it is called I name them actual horse names, like Balthasar or stuff like that.
Even if you don't do anything at all, the horses will eventually calm down all by themselves. They will tire and maybe start eating the grass close to the fence.

I really like this. Thank you, fireheart. It sounds doable right now, as opposed to something we would have to learn how to do. And Watcher is thinking about what that would be like--to be more like a fence than a force field that "disappears" the feelings.

It's a representation of the abstract concepts that Asti was talking about--an actual way to manage and tame the feelings.

Thank you.

oh right, thats containment. like holding the emotion without going into hyperarousal or numbing it.
that is one step before the expressing.