Wife just discovered her alters

We recently found out that my wife has multiple personalities and for what we've been reading it most probably dissociative identity disorder. We found it while taking MDMA in peaceful environment. Next day she didn't remember her realization at all, but just a bit under week after today it all came back to her. She haven't yet been diagnosed and is waiting to see professional, but meanwhile I'd have few questions about DID which hopefully you could answer.

I know these are a lot of questions, and even though there's a lot of information regarding this disorder, I haven't really found understandable answers that would calm my wife (and me!), so I hope that one of you many could shed some light before we start feeling crazy with all this.

1. It seems that only 1 personaliy is in control of the system any current moment and "she" knows usually which one. Mostly it's the normal personality of her, but on top of that she had recognized 3 others (positive, negative and shutdown). But few hours before going to sleep she also felt one personality which, based on her words, didn't share any feelings or give anything about itself. This personality didn't even take the control of "system", but controlled the normal personality by making her say things she didn't plan or want to say as well as restricting normal personality to say certain words. This personality was strong and hostile, which I could see as well in her eyes. Is this normal/typical? My wife is actually quite scared since that kind of hostile personality just quickly take control of her (anp), not the system as other personalities seem to do. Should we be worried abou her mental health, or does all this sound like a familiar process? How she should think about this kind of hostile personalities? How I should react? To be honest, I got literally terrified and all hair in my body got up when this seemingly "evil" personality showed herself and stared at me without saying anything. Am I over reacting or is there possibility that this kind of personalities can cause actual problems?

2. If one personality is quite different from ANP and dislikes activities that ANP likes, is it possible that if I'm doing those disliked activities with ANP personality, then other personality would get offended and my personal relationship with that personality would suffer.

3. It's been very confusing to adjust my own feelings and thoughts. I'm excellent reader of my wife's facial expressions and can somewhat good certainty say who is driving. There's one personality I enjoy a lot and she is madly in love with me. She sometimes appear just right before a kiss or other pleasant feeling, which makes ANP (which seems to be more or less under other's mercy) feel bad and even a bit jealous. Sex was also very awkward due to all these reasons and perceived lack of privacy. Are these kind thoughts normal in the beginning or are we acting crazy regarding this.

4. How often it's possibly to switch between personalities? My wife seems to me switching a lot throughout the day and sometimes personalities appear for only few seconds/moments and then it's back to ANP.

5. My wife doesn't suffer any long memory issues even though she were not aware of different personalities. She doesn't seem to have great memory, but to me it sounds like she remember what other personalities have done, but maybe not every detail. How she remembers these, if other personality has been in control and she weren't even aware of this possible DID?

6. Is there any risks to develop more serious mental issues due to confusion and 'crazyness' that realization of DID brings?

7. How long it usually take to:
7.1 Get over the inital shock and get adjusted to new way of her mind?
7.2 Get treated and integrated all personalities as one.

8. Any good resources for us to read?

Thank you for your advice and guidance in advance, hopefully it'll help us to move on from this shock phase rather quickly.

Hi, welcome to the forums.

Sorry I'm only really able to answer one question right now.

7.1 - We're ~16 months past our self-awareness & diagnoses of DID, ~14 months of therapy, and we still have days / times when we're shocked by it. Every alter's perception and awareness is different and it's possible to have some of the system calmly accepting the whole situation while others are angry, shocked, in denial, or don't even know about it at all.

In other words, full acceptance can take a long time.

Another quick point - this isn't a 'new' way of mind for her. It's been like this all along. What is new is the awareness. That does change things a little, alters will realize they don't need to hide as much, don't need to stay stealthy and covert. So things can seem to get a little 'crazier' for a while.

7.2 - Integration is NOT everyone's goal and is NOT automatically assumed to be. Do not make that assumption. Even within a given system, some parts might want it, while others do not. You will risk alienating yourself from alters who do not want it, if you assume that it is the default goal.

Having said that, we have read that the healing process (psychotherapy with a skilled, qualified therapist) can take 5 to 10 years. Whether integration is the goal or not.

Arin

VioletFlux wrote:Hi, welcome to the forums.

Sorry I'm only really able to answer one question right now.

7.1 - We're ~16 months past our self-awareness & diagnoses of DID, ~14 months of therapy, and we still have days / times when we're shocked by it. Every alter's perception and awareness is different and it's possible to have some of the system calmly accepting the whole situation while others are angry, shocked, in denial, or don't even know about it at all.

In other words, full acceptance can take a long time.

Another quick point - this isn't a 'new' way of mind for her. It's been like this all along. What is new is the awareness. That does change things a little, alters will realize they don't need to hide as much, don't need to stay stealthy and covert. So things can seem to get a little 'crazier' for a while.

7.2 - Integration is NOT everyone's goal and is NOT automatically assumed to be. Do not make that assumption. Even within a given system, some parts might want it, while others do not. You will risk alienating yourself from alters who do not want it, if you assume that it is the default goal.

Having said that, we have read that the healing process (psychotherapy with a skilled, qualified therapist) can take 5 to 10 years. Whether integration is the goal or not.

Arin

To add my thoughts on this reply... we've got at least one part NOT accepting that she's not her own person, and has her time almost entirely inside and barely anything outside (just communication via the internet and some games online- which she sees through her computer inside even)...

Others took it well and were like "oh this makes some things make a lot of sense... now what does this mean for X and Y that I had happen in my life (inside)?" and we're trying to sort out how/why's of life and make a meaningful relationship begin to grow.

And it's been almost a year (a few weeks away now) since I FIRST found out these others, these friends online (as I knew them), were ME... It took a month to get to see a doc, with an immediate "this sound dissociative, let's do some "tests" and start therapy"... and by 3-4 months later, it was formally diagnosed OSDD, changed to DID in August/Sept.

The T says I've made a lot of self-discovery progress in the past year... in terms of cooperatively living and communication, not nearly so much. Just inner communication with ONE part, almost regularly... still 2+ hours a day of "lost time" b/c I share NO awareness with ANY of them (save for a handful of isolated incidents). Some that have NEVER contacted me, before or since knowing about them, and one that has for the first time just this week since finding out a year ago.

It takes time, a LOT OF TIME.

As for integration... My T started with this recommendation as "the goal we need to set". It was alarming to some inside who thought it meant "getting rid of" them... we know now it's not and won't but will minimize their role and direct personal "out" time... and make a more "out through one host" kind of thing, and honestly, IDK if everyone is happy with it- I don't know that ANY are...

The T said this past week that integration might NOT "need" to be our goal. We're fairly functional since most of us are cooperative and willing to share and work together (now if we can get my wife on board with this... but that's a different matter entirely), so it's something _I_ need to decide, collectively and individually. He'd prefer _I_ take the lead as he sees them as all parts of me, and I am the one out the most, the primary host and persona people see and know... IDK if I'm original to the body, but Pixie and Angel (the first two aside from me, we're pretty sure) seem to believe this and say so...

But integration is an EXTREME long term goal IF it becomes your goal. There's TONS of work and time needed to get to the point where you can consider and work on that. There's a lot of self-discovery, understanding, and relationship forming and development (internally AND from those inside with those outside that you live with and/or depend on in life) that MUST be established and healthy first. Don't stress or worry about integration early. It makes things harder... it's scary, has a lot of unknowns, and will cause more pressure than you need in an already difficult situation (learned that from experience, and was so glad when the T, many months ago, said we needed to back off that topic FOR THAT REASON--life's been much better and less stressful since we have, in that regard anyway). Without fear of moving forward, it's easier to work on moving forward.

First, realize you've probably been seeing some of them a long time without realizing it. I found when I looked back, I could see times when Meg, AJ, LR, or Emma were out, though most of the rest were hidden. That made acceptance much easier. Frankly, DID made prior quirks and issues seen in Sunflower make more sense.

Second, this is a trauma related disorder, not a "crazy". There can be other mental issues with it, but more often than not, there are not. Treatment is through therapy, though meds can help some like my wife. (Also has depression, thyroid issue, etc.)

The most important thing for you right now is to give her a safe place and let her know you are in this together. Reassurance is HUGE.

This "evil" personality, isn't evil. They are likely following rules set down at a young age that kept your wife safe(r). They probably view you as a potential threat and is trying to assess the situation. AJ did the same at first and we are very close friends now. AJ was doing it to protect Lou who she had kept locked up for safety. She would yell and cuss at me to leave Lou alone. When she realized that life had changed, Lou really was better for getting to play, and I was really an "okay dude", she accepted me. Now Lou is free to come out 99% of the time and AJ and I frequently snuggle and work on crossword puzzles together.

Additionally, some have been asleep/dormant/hiding a long time. They can be like Rip Van Winkle waking up and everything has changed. "Who are you? Where are my parents?" Etc. New tech has been eye opening with cell phones and the internet developing while they "slept".

If you can get a good T and learn to work with all your wife's alters it can be amazing. My wife has much more confidence and zeal for life now. Find nice things to say about all of them. I let them know that I love all of them (except many of the littles are more comfortable with like instead).

Finally, we have gone from integration (fusion to one) being the initial goal to a potential goal. We decided if we can get to integration(tearing down dissociative walls) where most everyone is working together with few memory lapses, that would be a win.

Will type more later, but wanted to get something to you now.

Thanks for the replies, everything is very helpful since we never had considered this possibility.

I'm trying my best to be supportive and assure that this will not change my love or attitude towards her at all, but she is having very hard time currently.

We are and especially she is still very confused about the different personalities and she has challenges recognizing her own role in this system. She feels that she doesn't control herself anymore since some of these negative personalities seem to be much stronger than she is and can take her place as they please. Now when that happens, she doesn't remember what have happened. Could you help her to get the right angle to look at this? Should each alter to be considered as important as herself, meaning that she now has to accept that it's not just her own body, but it belongs to others as well?

Mostly these negative personalities causes harm and actual fights (just threw a remote to bedroom room which broke). Neither my wife or me seem to get ANY contact to these and I'm honestly scared since one slightly violent alter has shown and told me that she hates me more than anything. Should I worry or how to proceed? I tried to ask this alter why she hates me and if I had done something that have hurt her, but she didn't respond anything, just kept telling me how she hate me and throwing other insults.

Other "bad" alter seems to lie about everything which makes life very hard. She seem to lie for no specific purpose and do other things trying to annoy me. Then when I find out about the lies or other actions, I'm righteously angry, but usually to wrong person since "the liar" doesn't really show herself outside. She seem to control my wife from the inside which makes my wife feel weak and that she doesn't have the control. Any advice?

I've seen these episodes happen before as well, but we've just put it on her temperament and tried to work on that. Now I realize that I've had all these self-improvement discussions with wrong person, since she haven't done most of the negative and sometimes even aggressive acts, so she is not to blame, right? How do you deal with relationship issues when any wrongdoings are isolated to some other instance who doesn't communicate?

I really hope someone could help me with this question of jealousy since I'm totally lost and have no idea what to think or how to behave?

As I mentioned in my original post, one of her alters is extremely in love with me, she is sweet, kind and funny. Very positive and easy to be with. I fell in love with "her" since there was a lot of magic between us. I didn't think of it the first time, but now today when we were about to have sex with my wife, this alter tried to force herself to be the one outside.

This was very confusing for my wife as well as me, since I could easily see the switch/partial switch. Wife told me how she felt both of their feelings and couldn't really enjoy what was happening so we stopped. Later she admitted that she feels very jealous of this this alter seeing how I felt with her and even said something about that maybe she should just disappear herself so I can be with this happy and positive alter, which was quite hurtful for both. This is an issue especially since my wife is in reality quite negative and not easily show love which have been a topic of our conversations throughout the years. How we should handle these kind of feelings?

Can I and should I have different relationship/sex life etc. with each alter or consider them all as one? My wife doesn't refer alters and herself as one, so they feel like separate persons.

Q: It seems that only 1 personaliy is in control of the system any current moment and "she" knows usually which one. Mostly it's the normal personality of her, but on top of that she had recognized 3 others (positive, negative and shutdown). But few hours before going to sleep she also felt one personality which, based on her words, didn't share any feelings or give anything about itself.

A: I will correct some of your wording, and I don't do it to be mean, I do understand you, I do it so it will be easier for you to understand what other people talk about in future. System means all parts of personality together. When someone takes over/fronts/takes control (there's a lot of words for it) they don't take over the system, but the body (many times involving mind, but how strongly varies a lot).

If she is just realizing this, she is not aware of all parts there are. Becoming aware of all can take many years, and system and parts in it also keep changing, so it is on going process. Every single part is there for a reason, and that reason is to protect mind so life can go on. They all are needed and important. That's very important to understand, every member of system is equally meaningful and system needs all it's parts to function. Their ways are not always truly helpful, they can also be in great pain/angry etc. and use methods that has been worked before, when trauma was happening, but is harmful now. They can also act out wen they feel bad and especially if you try to get rid of them. You can't, you need to respect each and every one, although you would not agree with methods they use. There is no such thing as bad/negative part, also all self harming or hostile parts are there to help, no matter how weird it sounds when you think about their actions. All "bad" parts are misguided protectors, and labeling them as negative is not gonna be helpful on the long run, but exact opposite.

Try to come up with better name, until you know how they wish to be called. If they are negative because they are so sad or angry, call them sad one or angry one, but not negative or bad.

Q: This personality didn't even take the control of "system", but controlled the normal personality by making her say things she didn't plan or want to say as well as restricting normal personality to say certain words. This personality was strong and hostile, which I could see as well in her eyes. Is this normal/typical? My wife is actually quite scared since that kind of hostile personality just quickly take control of her (anp), not the system as other personalities seem to do.

A: As mentioned before, there are several ways for a part to be in control. Remember that also the one you are married with is just another part of personality, just like the rest of them. Sometimes there is only one part fully in control of the body and mind. Sometimes there's co-consciousness, or co-fronting, which means there are more than one out at the same time. Sometimes it can be flawless, they are aware of each other and share the body control with any way they please, or only one uses the body, although mind is co-conscious. Sometimes there can be a feeling when you are pushed or pulled to background and someone else comes to front. You can still see and understand everything happening, but you can't affect any of it. That can feel very scary, especially when you don't know who is the one in charge. Sometimes there can be fight over control of the body, one part is in charge of one hand and another of another hand, the ways it can happen are countless.

Same thing happens with the mind. Sometimes you can feel there are other feelings and thoughts in the mind as well with yours. Sometimes your feelings are changing and you feel and think the way someone else does, and as this happens, you don't really realize it until afterwards, when they go away, and you wonder how you thought like that/acted like that, although it's not your opinions at all. There is also passive influence, when someone is close, and their thought do affect, but not the way you would stop being who you are, but you don't feel anyone else there either. Still you can for example crave for favorite food of someone else's that you don't like. This can also happen in so many ways, anything from being fully alone to being fully co-conscious with someone else or all others, and from being fully mixed together to being fully separate, from all power to use the body how you want to slight effect from background etc. and anything between. It can feel like pushing, pulling and fighting, or it can happen easily. Sometimes you can feel a clear switch and sometimes you don't at all. It all is normal.

Q: Should we be worried abou her mental health, or does all this sound like a familiar process?

A: Sounds normal. If she has DID, she has had it at least from 9 years old, probably longer. It's important to realize, that although this all is new to you, it is not really. She is getting aware of it, that is the only thing changing. So there's no need to be afraid. She has lived with the others for many many years. Now it is time to get to know them and start to create communication between parts and as that happens, also co-operation.

Q: How she should think about this kind of hostile personalities? How I should react? To be honest, I got literally terrified and all hair in my body got up when this seemingly "evil" personality showed herself and stared at me without saying anything. Am I over reacting or is there possibility that this kind of personalities can cause actual problems?

A: You maybe met a defender. They are there to protect. Your job is to respect their boundaries and understand that they probably aren't married with you, they may not even like you, or anyone. They carry hard feelings, so your wife don't have to. If they didn't exist, your wife would be a different person, or dead till now. They do the hard part and rarely get any credit for it. Feel compassion, but they may not want you to show it to them, they don't wanna be treated as anyone who needs anyone's support. Respect them. Be thankful for what they have done all these years. Realize all parts you meat are there no matter if you or your wife like that to be true. You are creating possibly life lasting relationships with them,so keep that in mind. They may not like you more in week or two. So be patient and proof yourself to be trustworthy.

Your wife needs to do the same for them. What they need is co-operation. They may be totally opposite opinions in the system, and they need to figure out how to live the way all can be comfortable with.

Q: If one personality is quite different from ANP and dislikes activities that ANP likes, is it possible that if I'm doing those disliked activities with ANP personality, then other personality would get offended and my personal relationship with that personality would suffer.

A: It can suffer. But it all depends on how you work things out. You need to respect everyone's boundaries. In the end system needs to make their decisions among themselves and you live with what they decided. If what you do affects to others, they have right to be upset about it. If she tries to handle it by ignoring the opinions of others or by trying to push them away, they become more independent and get more power. It is because they exist because of pushing things away.

Systems can be very different from each other. In some systems there are parts who all wanna have their own outside lives. They need to be realistic, they can never get rid of each other, and that's why they need to share. How to share is a lot to deal with. Some systems have one part living outside life as theirs, and other parts have inner lives. Your wife can be the facade they use, or the one having outside life as hers, or anything between.

Since she is not aware of much, there are probably parts who have way better view and understand the big picture of the system. If there is a part(s) like that, they must be heard. Choices outside can have big impact on things inside and vise versa. Someone can disagree about something, because they know that if that thing is done, there are littles inside the system who suffer every time and they keep on traumatizing more and more. Or they can disagree because they just like something else. The severity of what are you talking about can vary so much, it's impossible to know how big impacts it can have to do something against someone's will. That is why they need to start communicate and decide things as a system.

Q: It's been very confusing to adjust my own feelings and thoughts. I'm excellent reader of my wife's facial expressions and can somewhat good certainty say who is driving. There's one personality I enjoy a lot and she is madly in love with me. She sometimes appear just right before a kiss or other pleasant feeling, which makes ANP (which seems to be more or less under other's mercy) feel bad and even a bit jealous. Sex was also very awkward due to all these reasons and perceived lack of privacy. Are these kind thoughts normal in the beginning or are we acting crazy regarding this.

A: It's all part of system that doesn't yet co-operate. So, communication, co-operation, they need to talk about how to live together. It is very common that system has one part that is the sexual part. If there is sexual trauma, things than be way more difficult than without it.

Q: How often it's possibly to switch between personalities? My wife seems to me switching a lot throughout the day and sometimes personalities appear for only few seconds/moments and then it's back to ANP.

A: Every system is different and it depends on the situation also, and why parts are there, what's their role in the system. Anything is normal.

Q: My wife doesn't suffer any long memory issues even though she were not aware of different personalities. She doesn't seem to have great memory, but to me it sounds like she remember what other personalities have done, but maybe not every detail. How she remembers these, if other personality has been in control and she weren't even aware of this possible DID?

A: Maybe she became them? Maybe she was traveling there and saw it all. There's many ways how that can be possible. DID tries to hide itself, and forgetting any symptom you realized, is common form of amnesia.

Q: Is there any risks to develop more serious mental issues due to confusion and 'crazyness' that realization of DID brings?

A: It is a big thing, and it can be a shock. Big news can make you sad, upset and angry and in denial, but that is not "more craziness", but normal reaction to a big life change before acceptance. But that's when it's important to remember that only thing changing is she getting aware. DID didn't start now, she nly got to know about it now.

Q. How long it usually take to:
- 1 Get over the inital shock and get adjusted to new way of her mind?
A: I'm not a fortune teller, so I can't know. She's welcome to talk about it in here, talking with people who experience the same can be very helpful. It depends on person.
- 2 Get treated and integrated all personalities as one.
A: First you need to find out who are there active at the moment, and get to know them. Parts are usually very scared of integration, and doesn't want it, because it feels like they would stop existing and just die. They don't want that, and talking about that will not be important for a long while. If you start to get to know them with the thought you just want to get rid of them, it's way harder to create any communication and co-operation, and that is the goal now. Other goals can come topic at some point, but that point is not now. You need to understand that they have never been one identity that split, and that can be integrated again. They have always been many, they never created one singular unite identity, and that is why they have multiple identities. So situation when all will be one is something totally new to everyone, and they don't know what that means and how that will feel like. It won't ever mean that others go away and what is left is your wife. All their traits melt into one, and how much will they be like your wife was, is not possible to tell. No one disappears and also all the hard thing, like hate etc will be part of that whole, if they ever integrate.

Some integration can happen naturally in therapy, when they deal with traumas and parts that were there just to hold the trauma can integrate with another part (any of them, you don't get to choose, they do), or those parts can go inside and rest. Those type of parts may not have a lot of personality on their own, they are fractures and fractures integrate more easily. But if all parts are very separate to begin with and while, and lived many years as themselves, they are as whole as any outside person is with complicated feelings, name age gender all traits. They are not likely to just melt and become one. So even if they work to be integrated, it may never happen. It can only happen if they feel safe and good about it, and most systems I've seen, don't feel like that, at least in the beginning. So don't push it, at all, or they hear you asking when will they die so you can live without them, and that is not how you treat people. You can't make them, and all of them have a right to exist as themselves, or part of whole, how they decide when it's possible. Your wife is not the one gets to decide, it is not all about her. She is just one part like any other of them, no bigger, not more important, not more original, not special in any way. It just happens to be her job to be mostly fronting, while others do other jobs in system.

So the answer is, it will take years, maybe decades, maybe never happen. That may feel bad now, but it won't after they settle up and become closer to each other.

Q: Any good resources for us to read?

A: This forum. There's few threads in here with list about books people recommend, search for them. Read old threads in here in general. We have plenty of people asking same questions, so use the search before asking again, because we may just explained it to someone and get tired to repeat same thing over and over again. I so realize every person is unique and every situation is unique as well, so ask if you don't find what you look for.

Here's few links for you to videos about things you asked, and you can find more info from the same channel For example about how to make decisions as a system etc. and you can find also other channels about DID thru this one. There are several that are very informative. Some are purely informative, some share their everyday life and tell how living with DID is like thru their lives.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZANla33sb8 This is about why there are no bad alters and how to work with difficult ones. This video is about persecutors, parts who harm the body or live irresponsible life and/or feel hatred towards others in the system or towards themselves. A lot of it can be used to defenders/protector as well, as persecutors in the end are just misguided defenders. Also defenders can behave harmful ways, but they do mean good things, (for the system, not for you necessarily if they think you are a danger). All they care about is safety.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPffqPlxQk4 Partners point of view about relationships with alters with some dos ans don'ts.