T keeping secrets from other parts

most of us would be roaring in anger if someone else in the system decided for us what we can handle without asking us or communicating about it. it's not like we are 3 years old and need someone else to decide for us what we can handle.
we are all in for sharing the rough topic and leaving out the details. even mentioning the topic and asking if the other one wants to hear more or not. it is even possible to explain things to the kids in an age-appropriate way and they will know and not be overwhelmed. it's in the way we stay with them and guide them in managing themselves. not in keeping things from them. same is true for every T.
every one of us can keep their own thoughts to themselves, but if it is info that belongs to the system, we won't go for secrets.
we believe that regulating others by keeping things hidden is a form of manipulation. no matter how well-meaning, it will lead to disconnection, mistrust, anger and resentment as well as mixed responsibilities and co-dependency.
our Ts say we are helpessly idealistic, but it works for us.

We made an agreement with our therapist that unless someone a) wishes for something to be shared, and/or b) it involves a compromise of safety (i.e. someone saying they wished to harm the body), that she would keep the particulars of a conversation private to the person she spoke to. She gives summaries to us, so we know what kind of topics came up, otherwise - as others have said - we would feel very uncomfortable working with her.

As for the discussion about what is for one's own good, the withholding of information, internal secret keeping... I wrote something out, but I am afraid of posting it, so I will save it for when I feel braver about talking about it.

- Lain

I don't know if this counts, because Fourteen has his own background that has happened fully in the inner world, but I don't see any reasons why it couldn't be happening to someone in the outside world too. He has a system, which is in a way based on a lie, at least that is how Fourteen sees it. It is not based on the lie, he simply is too traumatized, and so are many of his parts, to understands realities of their trauma. They don't understand they are a victim, and it doesn't change no matter what they themselves have done to survive. Their system has parts who can not be aware of their whole story. If those parts would be aware of it, they would collapse, and that would eventually make the whole system to collapse. That means some of the parts need to be protected from trauma they don't know about. It is a choice made without asking it from them, simply because they are parts that don't understand time or place, and who are totally unable to make their own decisions. They all need to be helped a lot before they can start to be aware of the reality now and maybe some day about traumas they have not been aware of, because they have their own different traumas to hold.

Also I know things about Fourteens story he does not remember himself. He doesn't even know there is a piece missing, because his mind has replaced that with story that fits well to it's place. He can not be part of the decision making if I tell it to him or not, because asking about it would tell him what it is, and he could not handle it now. Not with the traumatic way of thinking. He can handle it after many trauma pieces are rescued and they, and him, will understand they are not bad, but traumatized and the fault is not theirs. After understanding that in general, he can maybe understand the missing story right way. He has no ability to understand it now. He would collapse.

He is a part and parts can not die, so his suicidality in the inner world against his own body can not kill him, but we still don't want to make him more suicidal than he already is. Also he has learned now he is a part of a bigger system, not just part of his own system, which means his urges to act self destructive ways will probably turn from inside towards our outside body. They already have to some degree, but I have been able to stop him from acting on it. Him getting to know he can not kill himself inside has a prize. We don't want him to get serious with his death wishes. It would be a possible danger to everyone of us.

As far as I know, he can not take full control of the body, but I can not be sure about it. Also I can not be sure about what is he capable of doing if he gets emotional enough. So far he has collapsed and recreated himself, but that was before he understood there is this outside life too. Next time it can be different.

I totally agree with what you people have written in here. I would not work with T who'd do secret things with other parts behind my back. I am adult enough and stable enough to decide myself. But I can also see why there can be situations when it is better to not expose someone to something they really can not handle. There is a reason why there is a high wall protecting those certain parts of Fourteen's from information coming elsewhere from the system, and those parts need help with understanding realities and help with their own traumas before exposing them to more trauma because knowing about it will take away their way to survive in their current situation. Those parts are way too out of realities to be exposed now tho, they don't have ability to understand what does that mean what is told to them if you'd try to tell, because their understanding is so limited. But there is also a reason why Fourteen doesn't remember the thing he has forgotten. There are more urgent help needed before starting to deal with it, and probably he will remember it when he will be ready, or start thinking about things related to it. He doesn't think anything such at the moment, because he has a chaotic system to deal with, and a new big thing, an outside life he has started to practice living. Why take any risks, when they are not needed, and there is so much going on already.