Feeling about childhood

I have this feeling with regards to my early childhood. I never used to give that part of my life much thought because I was so small and things only seemed to go badly once I was in elementary school or so. But recently I started thinking about before that. I realised some things weren't right in kindergarten either and I'm thinking now, they probably weren't before that. It's a time I don't remember much about because I was so young, but I have this feeling that if I have parts at all of whatever nature and they are caused by early trauma, I feel like that's where it would have started. It's the only way I can see the parts thing making sense. I don't have anything to back this up really and I'm not going to proclaim it absolutely is so while I don't have anything else to go on, I just have this feeling. I don't know if that makes sense. I feel like I've been looking at the years following kindergarten without acknowledging the time before it at all. My mum never talked about it much so I guess I felt it probably was ordinary, but thinking about it now, circumstances weren't great. I had a similar feeling right before the whole parts (or whatever) thing started months ago. I was seeing someone at a crisis centre about some experiences and I just suddenly 'knew' there was more, and I guess I may have been right? I had images pop up shortly after anyway (if they're real).

I don't know what I'm looking for in writing this. I think I'm just needing to get this off my chest to relieve some of the tension I'm feeling. If anyone has any thoughts, I'd still be grateful though!

Hi! I actually used to think the same thing! I always just assumed i had a normal childhood before kindergarten but after pressing my dad and mom about it that really wasn’t the case. It explained a lot for me because some of my earliest memories it always seemed like at the time i was trying to ignore something bad that had happened. Turns out i was lol. Its crazy how delicate kids are i hope you are ok. Take it one step at a time!

Our usual front-people never thought about our childhood at all because they couldn't remember any of it.

They used to just assume that it was normal to not remember anything. That nobody else could remember anything about being little. Or that people who did claim to remember stuff from when they were little, were either making stuff up, or had super-human memory.

Arin

It's worth to know stuff, anything like basic facts. I know I was a traumatic birth, forceps. I know I was left crying for long periods of time especially at night because my parents thought that was the best thing to do. I think maybe I was hungry because I can get really angry when I'm hungry even now. If I know I'm having food after a certain point it doesn't happen or I know when lunch is then I'm ok but not knowing when or what I'm going to eat makes me feel angry, that possibly comes from the being left crying.

I have what I call "key" childhood memories. They're always stress points somehow. Only one that I know of was suppressed. The other key memories I've always had eg sitting at about age 3 and my nan wouldn't let me have my sisters rattle - I think that did me good. Arguing with my great grandmother when I was 4-5 - everyone was frightened of her but I wasn't, I'd argue with her and my mom would get annoyed. I think she's the reason I get on really well with cantankerous elderly women. In my previous job alot of people were elderly and the cantankerous ones would only want me and refuse to let other people in.

At primary school I had a key memory of being annoyed a girl was called Karen. At home there's one of when I was watching new age travellers being moved on the news and I said "I want to live like that but I want to be clean" and my dad said "you'll be cold" My mum crying because I didn't want to make a potato shape picture and me feeling bad so grudgingly sat down to do it to make her happy - it put me off Art altogether, that's Peter (creativity needs to be free not pre cut and forced).

There's other ones I call "key"

The difference between a general wishy washy memory of I liked to play out on my bike (I'm more watching myself in those memories) and the ones I call key are thar key memories it's like I'm actually back in that moment. Like it's an anchor point of the mind somehow. The mind can be "bam" back in that moment wholely. So when I was in therapy I could work backwards and forwards from those key moments to fill in the gaps. Same for in my teens, key memories or hooks - mind hooks. I don't know how they're there or why possible fully present in those key moments. And looking at my alters they fit particular alters, the Karen one is obvious but the "new age traveller" one I've only this moment realised tells me Rose was always around because that's definitely a Rose thing. But those key memory hooks helped me build an overall picture.

Those key things also made me parent differently. I didn't leave my babies crying - I don't remember it but I knew it so I avoided it. I let them do art however they want. I let them argue with me without them feeling they "shouldn't" just because I'm older. I didn't always give them whatever they wanted because I realised my nan leaving a rattle out my reach and not giving in did me good plus she distracted me instead so I used distraction alot because it's cuts tantrums - you can't have that but wow look at that.

All the blurry somewhat bad or somewhat good stuff. The in-between the key points I explored in therapy and looked at how it effected me. My mom was a jealous immature mother, which was really difficult to accept at first, but now it's an "oh well" - it's simply a fact.

I don't know if you may have anchors or key memories or hooks or whatever you want to call them somewhere in your psyche but if they are there then that's how to piece it all together.

Much luck

Hannasue wrote:It explained a lot for me because some of my earliest memories it always seemed like at the time i was trying to ignore something bad that had happened

I can relate to that!

Its crazy how delicate kids are i hope you are ok. Take it one step at a time!

Thank you! Reading your kind words helped.

Sarandipity, this is a great idea and I actually started writing some of this down as well. Thanks for the idea!

You're welcome, no worries.