everybody is two faced? sorta

hot shower epiphany.....

so I always feel ashamed of my secret self(ves). and like I'm so different from everyone else. so overwhelmed with my secrets. you know what I'm talking about...those really really deep skeletons in the closet. and you know my multiplicity secret.

but I was thinking about how actually everybody has secret sides to themselves. and a face they show to the world. or faces.

I'm not explaining this good. I was on the phone with my aunt. and her phone was cutting out. and it cut right back in as soon as she said a four letter word. and she was embarrassed that I heard it. so I was thinking for all I know.....she could cuss like a sailor but never show that side of her self with me or at work. just like I have parts of myself i don't share with her. so then I was thinking. holy $#%^! that's actually everybody. like every single person has their public and private sides. and it's ok. and it's normal. and people who don't keep private stuff private come across as weird and inappropriate.

so it's actually ok to have my private sides. and my secrets. everybody does.

does that make sense?

It is absolutely, totally okay to keep private some parts of yourself. What isn't okay is to have this happening outside your awareness, not by your deliberate choice, for reasons that may have been good decades ago but no longer apply.

It is also okay to overshare some of the time. Again, we all want to be able to choose when to do that, and not just have all our stuff spill out, outside of our control.

Either way, it is all about having strong, flexible boundaries.

I hear you. I’ve told Sunflower similar things when she was feeling singled out. Something like “we are all broken in one way or another, just some people are better at standing than others and some stand because they lean on each other.”

I certainly have my own issues and as well as other things I don’t show to most of the world (my sense of humor can be REALLY weird). It’s just that it’s rare to get close enough to others that they share their real vulnerabilities with someone else. Like Facebook Syndrome, we only see the happy because vacation trips and fancy meals are what they want us to see. Real life is more commuting and hamburger helper for most though which is hidden. Issues are usually hidden more than that…

People have different social roles, that is a sign of social intelligence, and totally normal. If you cuss at home but not at work, it's totally normal. It doesn't mean the fact you also do get angry or use bad language would be a big secret. Secret is something you cover up, avoiding certain unsuitable behavior is just manners.

Many people have mental issues. Most of them don't speak about it openly for example at work, but can with their closest ones. It is all about norms and about understanding which place and person is in your life and for what purpose.

Some people are with no filters. Many times they are very genuine, but I find those kind of people easily being also bit dump socially. I mean, they may not have social skills to guide them when you should respect the silence and when can you keep ranting about what's on your mind.

If you need to tell a lot of half truths or to lie about something to cover up what is going on with your life, it is more than just normal social behavior filter. People are allowed to have intimacy and there are certainly things most of us would lie about, but things like not swearing in front of people, just on your own.. well, it can be a dark secret she would not tell if asked, but I think for most people it is not. They can share they do that, and they avoid doing that to other people, because it's bad manners and intimating.

I think it's different thing to not share something, and maybe even tell just that, "I don't wanna talk about this", than it is to tell untrue things to cover up. Like when you are living in same sex relationship but still use the wrong pronounce to cover it up. That is active hiding. Not tell everyone you are gay, well, why would you need to tell that. It is not lying, if you don't claim to be straight. If people assume you are straight just because you didn't tell them you are gay, it's in their mind, not something you lied about. It still may not be a big dark secret. It is just intimate, and you are allowed to have things in your life you don't share.

Sami got REALLY triggered,when others inside got to know about him and Lucas, and used the term "Sami has come out of closet." He has NEVER been in any closets. He has no need to please anyone, and the reason why he didn't share, was not because he would be embarrassed or anything, he simply does not share his stuff around and that's the way he is. He has never shared his interests or claimed to be straight. If people are so close minded they think "not talking about it" means straight, the fault is in their head, and it doesn't mean he has ever kept any secrets. No one ever asked if he dated, and yes, he did, and did before Lucas too, and no one ever asked about his orientation (except for Ferro, and to him he told). He is silent and I think he is like the perfect example of a bit dark, mysterious guy who is not easily controlled, because he doesn't care about your expectations.

There are many ways of keeping something out of sight. All people do it, some of it is normal, some of it keeps as aware all the time what we can tell, some of it is straight out lying. Straight out lying is OK too, if you live in an environment which would be a danger for you if you'd share.

If you are telling half truths or hiding and it feels bad to you, I think there are ways to deal with it. Multiplicity is certainly not the only thing that can feel worth hiding. When you know how big percentage of populations has used some type of medication for psychological problems, and think about how many of those talk about it, the numbers don't match at all. I tend to be open, and I've found out as a result, people are open to me too. Growing up with alcoholics etc. is not uncommon. Being an alter is too much, that I'll share with only the closest ones.