My hopeful compromise

I'm still feeling off, like nothing about my past is mine but I seem to remember a lot of the neutral details.

I started singing lessons yesterday with an app. I have a very long history of singing...choirs, small jam sessions, singing while I work. I don't feel like the history is mine but I felt very good after my lesson.

1)i did singing lessons again today and felt good about it.
2)I talked too much at work yesterday. People do not understand where I am coming from if they do not understand my history; any attempts to explain having seen mostly terrible parts of humanity due to psychiatric disability and the intersectionality of violence would require a disclosure of psychiatric disability; due to unwillingness to disclose my psychiatric disability (because of both having to face stigma and the compromising of my safety), there are no grounds for discussion as all personal statements of my opinion of humanity would be disregarded as paranoia or arguments about the only common factor of my negative experiences being myself. My own character will be smeared as a result.
3)only logic course of action is silence.

I think I figured it out through the process of elimination. I know Bitterness is absent.. I know what Gauntlet and Shamrocks feel like and I'm not them... I'm very aware that Whisper has been talking with me through my dreams, and I'm not Red either... So I guess I'm just Fourth-Born with some partial amnesia happening.

Like I said, Whisper is awake and I've been dreaming some pretty crazy/neat stuff again. There's a little bit of fear associated with her waking up again. There's parts of me that grip to science as an anchor against the madness my biological father forced on me... Whisper is a good woman but I'll have to find a new balance.

Speaking of my father... I wondered what he was up to since he's been on my mind so much after my argument with my brother. I googled him...turns out that he made the newspapers for doing something pretty awful since the last time I checked. Unfortunately the police couldn't pin the proof down... as usual... So he got away with his #######4... as usual. Good to know that I'm not missing anything.

Honey, maybe it's time to go buy yourself some tea, you really aren't enjoying the coffee.

Heerrrrrm... Mostly avoidant of the stuff which I have said previously. Feels really quiet in this here noggin, got a lot of things done the last couple of days.

My ex boyfriend is probably arriving at some point soon, boss asked about my work preferences in anticipation.

I do not want to poke at emotional stuff because I do not want the sense of well being I've had the last couple of days to disappear.

Making a note that the hemp oil I bought last week seemed not effective and produced a hangover quality the next day. Have ceased use a few days ago.

Hi.....
Oooookaaaaay....I really can't afford to lose my job...

****TRIGGER WARNING SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS*****


I wanted to believe it was was all going to be OK if we just kept seeing the best in people. I am hurt. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when my ex boyfriend shows up to work. He kept saying goopy things all last summer but I guess he was lying. Now he's coming back and I don't understand anything.

All the money's gone. Bitterness had said something about how when we improve our circumstances people are going to find us attractive again. She "berated" me and said that I fell for the first guy that threw a little attention my way. I've been so lonely! Now he's coming back, and I know that it was all lies, but they were such sweet lies. My status at work is always better if I'm dating someone, that's just the way men work, they can't stand it when girls aren't fulfilling what they imagine is the primary purpose of a woman, which is (in their mind) to fill a man's needs.

It wouldn't be so bad if they were kinder.



***END TRIGGER WARNING****


I'm afraid that I have to actually talk to Gauntlet about something. They've been really hard to find these days, and when we've been together hanging out it's been climbing or skating and maybe not anything important. Can't we just pretend it's been said already?

I don't know how to talk to the people outside of me and have good relationships with them without throwing all the people inside of me under the bus.

HEY.
Speech therapy. Somehow. For me. Please.