My hopeful compromise

I meant for me or someone in my system to come back to that paper and didn't realize that you would think I was talking to you.

I am looking for meaningful pieces of information to help me get better and as such there may end up being some stuff on this thread that disturbs you Sarandipity. Please consider that in your future endeavors.

A personal update for moi.

I am still largely detached from the various identities that are in the system since a couple days ago. I understand key points of the body's history, and know what name I ought to answer to.

I had a day off today, but didn't get up to much.

I am feeling some feelings of inferiority and a loss of significance. I know this has plagued me since I decided not to apply to do a PhD but frankly I thought the stress of it might kill me... if I think too hard about that, I feel weak.

I understand the concept of triggers but I feel inferior for not being able to separate myself from my coworkers verbal onslaught of unpleasant topics yesterday. I felt like her glib comments increased the likelihood of generally poor and irresponsible behavior being repeated and people (maybe her) getting hurt as a result of it. Maybe she didn't care.

I fail to see how I can be important to anyone or anything, or contribute to anything when mere words can shut me down like that. I felt like this weight had settled on me and anchored itself to my insides.

Maybe it was just because I had opened up to her and begun feeling like we were friends. So I was open to receiving information from her and then she spewed that crap all up in my insides.

Mostly still floating in an abyss of identity... But I read posts since I've been like this after that incident and sometimes read sentences I just know belong to certain parts.

I caved and got some AHO today. I guess I remember using it when I lowered my seroquel does last time.

Whisper is waking up. I don't know how I know it but I know it. I'm pretty sure the seroquel was causing the chest pain, it was never something I experienced with my anxiety before... The back pain stopped too...and the twitching.
I'm not sleeping as well but I'm hoping to adjust, it took a month or two last time.
I've been experiencing some boredom... And loneliness. I was way too doped out on seroquel to be bored before... I guess this is what it's like to sleep only 8hr per day.

My job is to eat, sleep, work. And read a book or something. Get some skis so I can get out into the beautiful outdoors again...

We got an analysis from somewhere inside that worrying about things like zombie deer and ecological impacts does absolutely nothing. Even though this tiny cog of humanity isn't living up to its scientific potential- just because I shut down- doesn't mean it's only assholes left in the driver's seat of scientific dialogue.

I just had some terrible colleagues, who did terrible things to me. Sometimes I have been fantasizing about continuing my research in the safety of the wilderness.

That was probably a nice ramble about nothing much.

Trigger warning:Abuse. CrimsonInTheDetails don't read unless you are feeling strong

I've just realized that yes, I'm afraid of men, but I am terrified of physicists and engineers. Mathematicians are touch and go.

I wonder if I lost my memories of my education because I was too afraid to be around those type of men anymore. It's the deepest darkness inside of me. I knew going in that there would be obstacles because of my gender. I didn't rise to the occasion. I buckled under their cruelty.
I wanted to prove so badly that I belonged there but couldn't function under the sexism. It became not worth it, even though I lost the last thing that mattered to me. I wanted to be strong but I wasn't. I never recovered from the amnesia that covered my university. Maybe it was a subconscious way of forgiving myself for not being able to take it.

Maybe someday I can learn how to computer program from scratch.

Eh, maybe someday we can do something about that last post.

Did what was good for me... I ate, slept read. Was fronting for most of the day, Gauntlet hung out for hockey skating. Tyke got nervous, tried to have a conversation with the only other guy on the rink. Dropped the hockey stick. I'll try not to laugh my ass off, kids so damn nervous about social $#%^... The #####& probably thinks we got a crush. Meh, ######6 deal with it later if it comes up, guys not local so it prolly won't.

Got started on a black bear chapter in my book. Now see, that's some useful $#%^, that's gonna maybe get our ass outta hot water. Half the crap we read today does not even apply to life for real.

Trigger Warning: Aftermath of Sexual Assault

I had left the place where men kept hurting me in 2018. About the time I left the place where I experienced the various assaults that I did, the government had started various campaigns against that sort of violence. Today was a bad day for me for remembering those things, and I ended up searching in Google about preventing sexual violence and my old governments initiatives surfaced.

When I read about the different programs that they're making to help police respond better to reports, I lost control. I lost control when I read that they're piloting a project to give free legal advice too. I pictured myself trying to explain the assaults in 2008 and the revictimization in 2014 and I couldn't imagine that the outcome would be any different than it was five years ago. I feel like I've missed the conversation. I wasn't able to be present for the #metoo movement. As a response to being turned away by the police I had shut my social media accounts down, and I shut down my last social media account last year. I had been a social media presence since social media's conception, and I lost belief that anything could change.

I don't really know if I believe it or not. I guess I don't. I don't know how to enter this idea of sex positivity when men have been absolute monsters. No one can turn back time to when I believed there would be a man who loved me, and that love wouldn't be abusive, rapish. I don't have that story in my heart anymore. My old government has documents trying to point men into caring and respectful relationships and I don't think they want to be respectful or loving. In my heart I don't believe. If i stay realistic I'll fight a man when they come,as I should.

These token changes came too late.

I sometimes feel really lonely, but given how everyone has chosen to act, I'm probably living my best life through this isolation.

I remember that Whisper has woken up. She sent me a dream last night where water was just really heavy breathable air and my room was full of it, my pet fish swimming where they pleased. They'd grown even larger and when I cupped my hands together the orange one swam into them and stopped to say hi.
Thanks Whisper.

CrimsonInTheDetails wrote:I meant for me or someone in my system to come back to that paper and didn't realize that you would think I was talking to you.

I am looking for meaningful pieces of information to help me get better and as such there may end up being some stuff on this thread that disturbs you Sarandipity. Please consider that in your future endeavors.

Hi, sorry. I don't think you disturbed me. I like reading your thread. If you don't want me to comment it's not a problem, I'll just read. Hope you're getting on ok

I feel like you've exhibited unhealthy behaviors which I don't want to be involved with. I don't want to interact with a chaos maker. If you don't leave me alone I'll cut you out. That is how I deal with chaos makers.

Given that you've given me this much discomfort I'm going to go ahead and put you on my foe list. That means I will not be able to see any more of your responses. I'm going to talk to the moderator to ask for guidance as well.

Its possible that these measures are strong but I rather be safe.