My hopeful compromise

Ah ###$ it, for real though I'm gonna say I kinda liked the ######6 job at least a little bit. ######6 rending out tiny pieces of justice for a living wasn't always bad.

Red.

I did a small road trip to the next city over. It was for donating special items that need to be processed in a certain way- the city I live in doesn't have the facilities.

I am not vicious enough for this world. I don't want to have to deal with another stalker. I'm so tired of looking into other peoples lives and seeing how they have these nice agreements with each other..but then it's because they have all the things I don't. Like viciousness. The ability to rally against other people in an us against them. I didn't want to pick sides so now no one is my friend.

But then, there's one part at least that tells me if he doesn't leave me alone I can grab him by the hair and slam him into the ground with it. It's a trap of course, he's here to harass me and demonstrate with his apathetic #####& that I'm unstable so he follows me all the way across the damn country into MY space and is going to act innocent and concerned and like he's mature when really he was manipulative and made me feel like some kind of prostitute because I took his money when the decisions he pushed me into made me destitute in a frightening place. I desperately want it to be over. This is all that ever happens to me when I let anyone in. I was honest with him and now he's coming for me just like the last one did. I don't want to be raped again. I don't want to be abused again I want to be left alone. If I was a monster I wouldn't have to deal with this. If I was a monster like everyone around me I would be able to win my rights with violence and abuse right back. But then this world would be even darker and I don't know how much more I can take but if I take myself then the world gets darker again. Three people have killed themselves by throwing themselves on the subway tracks since I got here and this city just buckles under it with a sigh of apathy. I don't want to be dead inside. I want to be able to look right at this devastation and weep but still plan a next move. I don't want to be dead, dead inside, or a monster...but how do I stand up when now I have to deal with just one more monster spending my money and dignity.

Hi, Fourth-Born here.

We made a break for it and got home and started my old job again. I do not have full time hours but honestly I haven't argued about it just yet-I'm exhausted after the last few months.

Bitterness has practically dropped off the map. We're going to try and not talk about her for awhile because when we do it feels like she startles back to wakefulness in our consciousness asking what's wrong in a flurry of readiness. I'm not sure she even slept while she orchestrated our removal from that legalistic nightmare of a cold-hearted country. Gauntlet dramatically sends us images of Will Smith sleeping in a tub with a dog (us) and gun (I suppose the metaphor means Bitterness' own mental prowess) to describe how well Bitterness slept the last few months.

So she's down for awhile. It's ok, we are safe and if we aren't it's more likely that Red is a better protector for the type of trouble we'd find here anyway.

In about a month the ex that got me into this mess will be moving back to my village to resume his position at our workplace.

I can't tell if it's just this coffee that is disgusting or if I just hate coffee on my own. I'm afraid it's going to be up to me to talk to Shamrocks about the ex.

That is a problem for another day. We've found out there's a rink here and we've been going skating the last couple days.

I feel fragile. Dumb white girl.

Bitterness was up and about. She explained to me that the job had been even worse than just my paycheck. She gathered information about the problems at work before she made the move to get her paycheck. She had predicted that when she came forward with particular ugly problems that they would deactivate her account to try and destroy the evidence. They did. She showed them subtlety that she still had all the evidence (flurries of backups). We got the money we were due. The HR rep tried to discredit me by suggesting I wasn't remembering things properly and that I was exaggerating the situation but Bitterness had been sure to record the conversations with consent beforehand. The company is so comfortable with hurting their employees.

No wonder she's exhausted. Trusting one boyfriend cost us thousands, but at least this one particular chunk of several hundreds wasn't taken. Bitterness warns me that this may not be the end of it because of the nature of the problem. As it is, the person in charge of HR was probably internally successful with discrediting me to other employees and clients so I doubt my claims will be taken seriously. I am glad I was prudent enough to be vague about my medical condition.

I have other concerns now... Their negligence may yet cause me problems but right now I let myself enjoy being home.

I am making a formal applause to myself. Despite everything, I have not yet succumbed to self harm on myself this winter, and that is the first time since the assault in 2014. I'm just... Weepy. I'm past the first hard part and hopefully May will be easier too.

I do not know whether it's because I have been healing, or because I am only taking 50mg of Seroquel anymore. Either way. Congratulations, love. You love because you have been loved. Keep loving and grow it.

Hi, so bitterness went seemingly subconscious and exposed stuff at your workplace?

That's how I read it.

When i read your posts it's like the names in your system mean something to me. It's difficult to explain. I'll try.

I have in mine the twins "trouble and Fortune"

When I read your posts and it says Bitterness I wonder where jealousy is? That is the thought over and over as I read - "where's jealousy? Where's jealousy?" Like a part, either trouble or fortune is expecting "jealousy" to be an alter in another system but she's not in yours and they then wonder where she is.

Also my perception of Bitterness is that he's a guy with a dog - like you described but you're not the dog. The dog is retribution.

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense to you. It's my own parts feeling a connection to your parts as I read your posts. My parts will seek out people who cause issues to others, like how bitterness sort out to expose your work place. Which is another similarity I see between you and myself.

I think I got it wrong about Bitterness and the dog. Bitterness is the emotion, the dog is instinct sniffing out the problems and he's holding the gun because he got retribution by exposing what was happening at your work, got you money and got you out of there.

I'm struggling at the moment or not struggling, I'm not sure. A guy who hurts many women and I could easily get retribution but I'm not. I don't feel like I want to, normally I would of by now and be over it but I'm not. It's only bugging me from the point of view of why am I holding back. I don't feel to do anything about him. It's very strange.

I'm glad to read you and Bitterness did what you could and what was necessary and you all deserve to feel good about it.

You've gone back to your village?

Hello Sarandipity,

I apologize for the confusion. I've thought carefully what to say, in light of your questions.

My name on this forum is Bitterness. It is not my real name but I thought it wise to hide myself with aliases. None of the names my system uses on here are the true names of the system.

I am a full fledged alter in the "CrimsonInTheDetails" system. I am 31 years old. I have my own gender, but do not wish to disclose it. Here is why:

I am in the middle of a book called "Prayers of the Cosmos". There is a one-liner that resonates with me and my problems with gender. "In Aramaic, one makes a thing holy by setting it apart, separating it for a specific purpose." This line got me thinking about how I think of gender, and I realized that I was not making the separation between man and woman to glorify anyone. The system I am a part of has been subjected to astounding acts of gender-based violence. Violence is all that the relationship between Man and Woman means to me. I will not subject myself to that violence internally. No doubt, I will walk out my door and men and women will continue these acts of war upon me and themselves based on what they see and their internal lust for hatred. I would not be able to protect myself if I could not acknowledge the cruelty of others. And they are cruel, proud creatures. But I refuse to internalize it. I have a gender separate from my systems but for the sake of love I will not declare it, so that no one may say that I have perpetuated the violence. If all that making the separation between man and woman does is breed hatred, it is better to let go of the distinction and embrace the place love lives.

When you seek to know my gender, what end do you seek? What are you seeking to justify? Be yourself, whatever that may be, and so too will I.

CrimsonInTheDetails wrote:Hello Sarandipity,

I apologize for the confusion. I've thought carefully what to say, in light of your questions.

My name on this forum is Bitterness. It is not my real name but I thought it wise to hide myself with aliases. None of the names my system uses on here are the true names of the system.

I am a full fledged alter in the "CrimsonInTheDetails" system. I am 31 years old. I have my own gender, but do not wish to disclose it. Here is why:

I am in the middle of a book called "Prayers of the Cosmos". There is a one-liner that resonates with me and my problems with gender. "In Aramaic, one makes a thing holy by setting it apart, separating it for a specific purpose." This line got me thinking about how I think of gender, and I realized that I was not making the separation between man and woman to glorify anyone. The system I am a part of has been subjected to astounding acts of gender-based violence. Violence is all that the relationship between Man and Woman means to me. I will not subject myself to that violence internally. No doubt, I will walk out my door and men and women will continue these acts of war upon me and themselves based on what they see and their internal lust for hatred. I would not be able to protect myself if I could not acknowledge the cruelty of others. And they are cruel, proud creatures. But I refuse to internalize it. I have a gender separate from my systems but for the sake of love I will not declare it, so that no one may say that I have perpetuated the violence. If all that making the separation between man and woman does is breed hatred, it is better to let go of the distinction and embrace the place love lives.

When you seek to know my gender, what end do you seek? What are you seeking to justify? Be yourself, whatever that may be, and so too will I.

I like your words on gender.

I didn't seek to know your gender: you post said something along the lines of you saw bitterness as Will Smith holding a gun sitting in the bath with a dog that's you. I said I agree bitterness may be male but I don't think the dog is you, the dog represents instinct imo.

So I wasn't questioning your gender. I was questioning that you saw yourself as a dog of Bitterness. I was saying perhaps Bitterness used instinct (shown to you as a dig because dogs have instincts) to uncover what happened at your work.

I do not care what gender you are or are not. I feel if evolutions of humans were to reach a summit we would all be the same tone and there would be no genders - but that's an odd view of my own.

I was only interested in if you had an alter called Jealousy because calling yourself Bitterness spoke to parts of myself.

Lol, this is showing how metaphors may not be effective forms of communication.

Bitterness is protecting us, she gets to be Will Smith in the metaphor and we're OK with being the dog in the metaphor. We know we're not as smart as Bitterness. Sharing head space with her is like putting an image into focus and actually realizing that there's a picture there for the first time. In this metaphor the image is life. She's just... Brilliant. Analytical. When I was sixteen I got 132 on an IQ test, and in my twenties at a time when I felt safe and life was stable I tried again and got 140. I doubt I would be able to get a score like that now, but Bitterness probably could..and then tell you some stuff about how the IQ test isn't that great for testing intelligence anyway.

Sometimes we get stuck in this idea that the rest of us are worthless because when Bitterness wakes up and begins calculating things start to go our way. On the other hand Bitterness doesn't really have friends, she has opponents. I think the rest of us might be keeping the heart and soul alive... And if this is what pet canines do, then we're OK with Bitterness being Will Smith, and us the dog.

CrimsonInTheDetails wrote:Lol, this is showing how metaphors may not be effective forms of communication.

Bitterness is protecting us, she gets to be Will Smith in the metaphor and we're OK with being the dog in the metaphor. We know we're not as smart as Bitterness. Sharing head space with her is like putting an image into focus and actually realizing that there's a picture there for the first time. In this metaphor the image is life. She's just... Brilliant. Analytical. When I was sixteen I got 132 on an IQ test, and in my twenties at a time when I felt safe and life was stable I tried again and got 140. I doubt I would be able to get a score like that now, but Bitterness probably could..and then tell you some stuff about how the IQ test isn't that great for testing intelligence anyway.

Sometimes we get stuck in this idea that the rest of us are worthless because when Bitterness wakes up and begins calculating things start to go our way. On the other hand Bitterness doesn't really have friends, she has opponents. I think the rest of us might be keeping the heart and soul alive... And if this is what pet canines do, then we're OK with Bitterness being Will Smith, and us the dog.

Thank you for explaining the metaphor. It makes sense.

How your "other parts" relate to Bitterness is how my "parts" relate to the twins (Trouble and Fortune). They are smarter. They also don't like human interactions but like that the rest do. I don't think they like being alive much but they like that the rest of us do. They see humanity as backwards, cruel and pointless.

Anyway thank you for explaining your metaphor. I took it that you were being self depreciating but I can see you were not.