Keeping parents at a distance

hey jollyjo, it's really really great to hear from you again. welcome back!

this really really sucks about the parents. it's awful. I'm struggling with similar. the swirl of emotions it brings up is sickening to me. I don't have good advice really because I am struggling with same things myself. but it does seem like being firm is the way to do it. one time my biological father started in on me about answering when he called and it just made me so instantly mad that I snapped back - "I do NOT have to answer when anybody calls. I choose what calls I want to answer and when. you're just gonna have to deal with that." I was SO EMPHATIC it surprised me. but it worked really, really well.

lines in the sand are good. it's being confused about where the lines go that are the hardest part for me to figure out. I don't know if that makes any sense or resonates. I feel sick just thinking about it. good luck with drawing your lines in the sand. it's got to be more confusing when the kid is grown up and has their own boundaries too. I can't imagine all that swirling around with a big move and job change. that's a lot of change. I'm really really sorry you have to be nearer your parents and deal with them. when you got to ignore them before.

do you still have the dog?

I thinmk everybody is right about your birthday but I get the whole ship has sailed thing too. I hope whatever goes down for your birthday you have a good one. again - it's really good to see your post. I have thought about you often. but know many of us come and go from the forum as needed.

Gangsallhere: yes, you are right - it does seem odd that she would choose them over me but they asked her to the party first and she said yes, assuming I would go. When I said no she felt committed. I spoke to her today and she is now feeling bad that she did but this is half the problem. They sort of trap you into doing stuff you don't want to. I am going to be clear about them next week when I see her and explain where my boundaries are with them.

BeccaBee: lovely to hear from you too! Yes, I still have the dog and she is now beautifully trained and settled. I still have difficulty remaining consistent how I feel about her but we get along well and she is good company. I tend to pop back to the forum when its all going tits up - so here I am. When I feel better I just quietly monitor things. I am sorry to hear you are struggling with the parent thing but well done for your line in the sand!

raptureblues wrote:i'm sorry you're having to deal with all of that, it's deeply upsetting when the boundaries you worked hard to put up are being ignored like that, especially from people who hurt you. we're struggling with this as well, we've managed to only see our parents once this year, but with christmas coming up it's difficult to avoid seeing them. every year we relapse before, during, and after the holidays because of them, so it's hard.

i'm not sure what advice to give other than to bring it up in therapy and try and find strategies to keep things as stable as possible. i hope things feel more settled soon.

I agree with the boundaries comment- even if they weren't the ones that hurt you, healthy boundaries SHOULD be respected- even if they disagree with what those are. You are a person that deserves to be treated with respect, even from your parents. This is so much more critical in recovering from trauma and trying to heal yourself, to get your life on track and not relive the pain of it again and again. If they are unwilling to respect that and unwilling to work with you, minimizing contact might be the only option you have. It's hard, sure, but it's not something to be ashamed of or feel guilty over. You have to protect yourself and take care of yourself.

Jolly jo wrote:they asked her to the party first and she said yes, assuming I would go. When I said no she felt committed. I spoke to her today and she is now feeling bad that she did but this is half the problem. They sort of trap you into doing stuff you don't want to.

Yes, and they count on the niceness of others to enable their controlling behavior. All your daughter has to say is that she said yes because she assumed that of course you would be attending the birthday party (for YOUR birthday!). Her intent was, and is, to spend your birthday with you, as she usually does, so now that she knows you're not going, she unfortunately won't be there either, but can see them on another day. Her strongest commitment on YOUR birthday should be to YOU. Anything else is really nonsensical.

The way that narcissistic people twist the behavior of people around them into ridiculous contortions REALLY bothers me (in case you haven't noticed). The idea that your parents would make your daughter feel guilty for wanting to spend your birthday with you--how crazy is that? They should be supporting the relationship between the two of you, NOT competing with it. And supporting your wish to spend your birthday however you want, not however THEY want.