I miss my inner world

Before having a d i d crisis I used to have this really really really well mapped out in a world and it was unbelievable and it was amazing it was fun and I would always have my music and all the wonderful things that I had in that in the world and now that I've gone through heck crisis it's so tumultuous it's hard to get back to that place or that person that I was that had the freedom to just be so at ease in at peace with myself that I would allow myself to get lost in my own mind and a good way and I really look forward to being in a place where that's possible again




Does anybody else have a similar story or situation background like I do?

Yes, but unfortunately I don't have an answer.

It's hard to accept the fact that part of healing means breaking through the barriers of denial that protected us in the past. It's normal to indulge in some degree of escapism. The difference is that we did it to survive. And the challenge now is to figure out how much escapism is healthy.

Charity and others

MakersDozn wrote:Yes, but unfortunately I don't have an answer.

It's hard to accept the fact that part of healing means breaking through the barriers of denial that protected us in the past. It's normal to indulge in some degree of escapism. The difference is that we did it to survive. And the challenge now is to figure out how much escapism is healthy.

Charity and others

guess that's where I'm at right now.

I'm dealing with a little bit of feeling like escapism is bad and I'm overreacting to it. normal people have fantasies so i dont want to feel badly for doing normal things,like having an inner worlds and I guess I'm just a little touchy about it and I want to not be because I had a Natural Balance of being in reality and being in my head and I just want to be at MY Natural Balance.

I am having same type of problem. I have (had?) an inner world very much like maladapive daydreamers, and I've spent way too much time in there, if you would ask from any professional. Too much, because it has stopped me from living normal life in here, but it actually wasn't a choice I made. It has been the way my brains functions, and therefor necessary, not anything I could've just stopped with will power. It is my way of thinking, even if it wouldn't have to be so complicated anymore, now that there are not any dangers really in our life. There are stressful phases, but not actual dangers.

Now I have realized they, the people of my inner world, actually are real parts with their own feelings and thoughts, not just something I made up. Or even if I would have made them, they have grown to be real parts. I am separate from them, and I have no right to play with them in any way. I mean play with their lives and with what happens to them. It needs to all come from them now, not from me. And realizing that made a huge impact on my time spent thinking about the inner world.

T asked me how long I can be without thinking about them at all. I observed it, and the answer was about 45 minutes maximum when I'm concentrating on something else, but after my mind slips once, the next time it's much less than a new 45 minutes. Exception is work, because I am different me in there, professional me. But if I go to a toilet at work, I do change into someone else, because there I am alone, and they are in my mind. And as soon as I step out of the bathroom, they are gone again.

And suddenly it all changed. I spent whole weekend with my sister without any pauses, because we went to have a little trip outside our own country. Normally being with someone for such a long time without any breaks except the toilet ones, would have been exhausting to me. Because I could not stay as me for such a long time, my mind started to travel elsewhere, and I got tired because of needing to be in several places at the same time. But the weekend went REALLY well. I was very happy all the time, not exhausted at all. We had fun time, and I stayed as me. So the change in me compared where I was just few weeks before was tremendous. Non of my parts came to the trip with us, and I thought about them zero times.

Now I don't spend my days in the inner world anymore, and the change was very dramatic and fast. I wouldn't have believed it can ever change, or maybe after years in therapy, but it just changed. I try to keep my mind open, that I would realize, when they come in this world, come in the body or hang out somewhere near me. And I try to create a new kind of connection with them. This is all just really really weird. I get bored easily now, that is probably one reason why I have achieved so much little things in my life now. I need to have something to do or something to think about like normal people now, when I don't escape to the inner world all the time, or I start to feel depressed and anxious. I try to discern when I'm feeling bad because I have spent all day inside without doing anything, and when I'm feeling bad, because there is someone near me, who is feeling not so good at all, like the 14 year old. I don't want to push him away by starting to do something else as an answer to his anxiety, but help him with it.

(The 14 year old is in a changing process, that is why I don't use any name when talking about him. I think he is changing his name too, like he has before, but right at the moment there are still little parts of the old him left, while there are new kind of parts of him growing else where. There are two kind of new parts of him growing, so I don't know which one he is going to be when he is finished with the change. Or maybe there will be different versions after the change too, I don't know. How ever, I will tell more about him, when he has settled to be someone. All I can be sure about, is that he is a boy and he is 14. Those facts are too important for him to change.)

In a way I have "lost" my inner world. I see there when they come to me and I'm somewhere between their world and the real one. I think it's also about them practicing to come out to this world instead of me getting sucked in the inner one. They have before, but not much if there is other people around and they have not communicated with the outside world. But I think it's important for them to come here for us to create co-operation and communicate straightly. Maybe they can grow independent enough in here too so they could come to therapy too.

I said to my T when we saw first time my goal is to integrate, but not lose the ability to "create worlds" and be creative. Now I'm not so sure about the integration at all, because I have realized my boys are their own persons more I understood then. But it's nothing we should worry about, T said integrations takes way more that 3 years we have. I have only in been in one real therapy session, and before that I saw our T two times, and so much things has happened, I really don't have any clue how much we can actually achieve in 3 whole years. I think the change in me will be really big. The change in the parts of my inner world doesn't have to be big, although I hope they will learn to trust adults. Either the T or me. And I hope I'll get contact with the parts who live in my body and get help for them.