safe in memory [journey thread]

we've fallen into a pattern with switching that's never happened before - or at least not happened with me being semi-aware of it - and it's meant we're functioning both better and worse, if that makes sense.

i usually handle the mornings and a little bit of time in the evening, jones has some time in the afternoon, charles takes over to clean and make dinner, and either lain or i will eat dinner and put the body to bed. the littles usually opt for co-fronting instead of wanting a time for themselves, at least so far. this means we've been functioning better with regards to eating, sleeping, and self-care. i feel less burned out because we're sharing tasks between us instead of it all being left to me.

we are also functioning worse, in a way, because we're dealing with trauma reminders more than before. the mother figure has been sending messages that are upsetting and manipulative, so we are ignoring her now. jones has been finding it hard to deal with charles, who acted as an internal jailor and abusive guardian for most of our lives, and i'm struggling to deal with that also. we're all generally struggling with denial, which is ironic considering we're all feeling the same thing of "am i real? is this real? are the others real?" but i guess that's just how denial works.

i think this new set-up is still better than the old one. we just need to work on communicating and keeping ourselves stable. this is definitely a good direction to move in, we just can't do it too fast or we're going to run the risk of relapsing. i hope it all works out okay. just very tired, and the denial is bad, and the trauma reminders are close. i'm gonna play pokemon for a little bit and maybe get some more sleep.

- alice

not dealing with trauma reminders very well at all right now. last night bubbles got really set off by something, jones managed to get her to calm down but got really upset about things later. we keep dreaming of family every night, which is distressing. we generally can't even acknowledge we have a family without dissociating.

it's hard to stop lain and charles from reverting back to the old set-up. they don't want to, but it's that whole "necessity" argument. i'd argue we're still functioning better than we did before, we're just more sensitive and fragile right now, but it's hard for them to accept that considering the topic matter. i understand why they feel like that, but we have to push through this. locking everyone up and using dissociation as a buffer between us and emotions was necessary before, but it's more unhelpful than helpful now. it's gonna be difficult trying to process this stuff, but if we do it slowly and carefully and try and work on healthy coping mechanisms and being in the moment, we'll be fine.

we're not doing any trauma work in therapy, or poking and prodding at it at home either. my guess is the others haven't really had a chance to process things before now, and not seeing family over the holidays was a big deal that we're still struggling to accept and process, so that's probably why we're more fragile than usual right now. we also generally struggle this time of year, so that could be why too.

- alice

major system fall out today. i think a lot of stuff was getting bottled and it all kinda came out at once today. i guess they see me as the most well-adjusted one, so i'm trying to pick up the pieces. emphasis on trying.

- alice

reading over this thread is really interesting and kind of eye-opening. there's a lot i forgot about from last year (because i deleted all other records of it and avoided the forums, so of course i forgot), and a lot's changed since i last updated the thread too.

there was so much stuff that we were all confused about that we understand better now. we all communicate better, work better together, and trust each other now. charles used to be abusive and controlling, and now he's the backbone of the system and the main reason we function. me and jones had so many issues between us that are now resolved. lain had so many issues with lowering the defenses and changing how things worked, and they've dealt with that so well.

we understand so much more than we did. in a year, we've really come a long way. i really needed to realise that. things have been difficult again recently, and this year's been a nightmare of repeatedly relapsing and struggling, but we're doing so much better than we did a year ago. we've put so much work into things, and it shows. i really needed to realise that.

- alice