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Dependency issues *TW*

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Dependency issues *TW*

Postby raptureblues » Sat Aug 25, 2018 2:32 am

(i feel like i'm not allowed to put this in the DID forum but i don't even know if i ever had BPD to begin with so i feel like i can't post it over there and i don't know where else i could put it. if i'm not supposed to put this stuff here then feel free to move it.)

the helpline i've been regularly using to cope blocked my number because i "phone too much" and i can't use them again for 30 days. i asked before - several times - if it was okay to use them regularly and i was told repeatedly that it was fine. maybe my definition of regular is different...

i know i have dependency and attachment issues, i know i probably over-used their service, but i don't have anything else. my partner works full-time and with the five hour time difference (they live in a different country to me) i barely get to talk to them. they're also not doing well and they're very stressed and burned out right now so they can't give me that level of care and attention, and i wouldn't expect them to. my friends all work full-time and aren't free except for weekends. i also can't talk about a lot of stuff with my friends because they don't understand mental health stuff at all. i don't have contact with my family. i live alone. i'm not allowed pets because of housing rules, and i wouldn't be able to afford one either. i have my therapist but i only see her an hour a week and she can't see me more than that or offer me support outside of sessions. i have my support worker but she's not a mental health professional and i don't know her very well yet, so i can't trust her with a lot of things. the rest of my mental health team are refusing to co-operate with my therapist or myself because of a diagnosis review issue, and even if they were being supportive i only get to see my psychiatric nurse an hour a month, and my doctor can only see me for 5/10 minutes at a time.

i turned to this helpline and it helped me get by, i thought it was a good thing that i was reaching out and talking to someone when i needed it instead of isolating myself or being self-destructive. it's not like i haven't been in therapy, i've not used them as therapists, just people to talk to. i obviously talk to my therapist about things, it's just hard managing between sessions.

i know there are other helplines and websites where you can IM people but i've tried a fair few of those and only this helpline i've been using has ever been consistently good.

*trigger warning - abuse mention*

i should be able to get by without being so dependent on other people. i got so used to hiding things from friends/partners/etc because they abandoned me when things got too bad, they never understood what was going on, or they had their own issues to deal with and couldn't handle helping me. i had to hide things from family otherwise they'd use that as an excuse to hurt me. i've always found it easier to talk to people i don't know because they can't abandon me or constantly hurt me, if they do it, it's just one time. that always felt safer to me. i know that's unhealthy and f*cked up and i know i don't vent in a "normal" way either but i don't know how else to cope.

*end of trigger warning*

i shouldn't feel so hurt and abandoned over this, just not what i needed at 3am when i can't sleep... i shouldn't be venting like this either but my partner's asleep and i can't vent how i normally would and i don't know what else to do. i've had 0 contact with my alters, the denial is so bad with that right now that i feel like i have no-one to talk to or relate to. i wish just typing this out helped me but it doesn't.
alice (18~24, she/her), jones (14~24, he/him), lain (9~14, they/them), charles (32, he/him), bubbles (6, she/her), rose (14, she/her), peter (14, he/him)

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Re: Dependency issues *TW*

Postby birdsong87 » Sat Aug 25, 2018 3:01 am

we try to spread it out over as many people as possible.
that means seeing a T and if that is available a psych doc and psych nurse and using the outpatient psych service offered in town as well as contact with the office that helps abused women and any charity in town that helps victims of abuse or violence. those sometimes offer self-help groups where one can meet other people for support too. we also found an independent agency that is connected to our health care provider who do outpatient support. we use this forum as much as we need to if we just need someone to listen and limit it to our journey thread so its easy to avoid for those people who are not interested in our reckless oversharing. there are also fb or twitter groups where you could connect with others. social media can be amazing because you meet people around the world and they are up at all times of the day. you can also join real life groups that have nothing to do with mental health like choirs or volunteering or whatever, just for the company of other people.

it is natural to feel the abandonment and to struggle with being alone. you will have to learn to live with some of that. and increase your tolerance for being alone over time.
I believe help-lines are supposed to be used by people who struggle with suicidal stuff and I can imagine that they get inpatient if someone just calls them for company. just spread it out, lots of people, so it won't be all on your spouse or therapist.
I know this is easier said than done, but it works. You really don't have to talk about mental health with everyone. it already helps with the abandonment feelings if there is just someone around, even if you talk about the weather.

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Re: Dependency issues *TW*

Postby littleDaria » Sat Aug 25, 2018 5:03 pm

we too do our best to spread things around. We utilize our trauma therapist weekly, have help from CMHA, the crisis line, our social worker at our clinic, social media, etc... to not feel alone.
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Re: Dependency issues *TW*

Postby Nowiamone » Sun Aug 26, 2018 9:07 am

I understand feeling alone and dependent on others because early in left I felt alone. I had this deep dark secret and could never be myself except when alone. I would talk to my friends, imaginary of course.

My boyfriend and I are dependent on each other (we are each other's best/closest friend) and it wasn't always in a healthy way. I'm fortunate to have him here now but there were times when weren't speaking and I felt so alone. I used to talk to myself. I still do, but now I know I'm communicating with my alters. It brings me a lot of comfort to have 24/7 friends (my alters). I don't really have a support system. It's just myself, boyfriend and kids. A counselor once asked me "How can you feel lonely with six kids?" I didn't answer. I just thought to myself, kids are not just mini adult. I can't talk to my kids as I would a friend, sister, or mother. I would just be traumatizing them.

When I thought I'd lost my alters I was so depressed but after finding this site and being able to communicate with them, I've been much better. Personally, internal conflict is what causes me to feel lonely. It is like being in an argument with a friend, it may take time but eventually we get over it, solve it and move on. Identifying the conflict, now that's a whole other ball game. I can't give any advice on how to do that but I will say listen to yourself. Take a extra second to ponder on thoughts you would normally dismiss.
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Re: Dependency issues *TW*

Postby raptureblues » Sun Aug 26, 2018 5:25 pm

thank you for all the responses.

i'm going to try and discuss this with my therapist and support worker next week and see what extra help i can get. i find group stuff really hard because of a bad experience with group therapy a year or so ago, but i know there's a local group that does stuff like that if/when i feel ready to approach them.

i also talked it out with my partner and they reassured me that it's okay to vent to them and to lean on them, they just can't always reply or do much to help me if they're tired / dealing with their own stuff. even if i can't be open with my friends i do still see them every week, which at least means i have company for a little while.

i think this whole thing hit me a little too hard for a lot of reasons, i'm hoping it'll get easier in time.
alice (18~24, she/her), jones (14~24, he/him), lain (9~14, they/them), charles (32, he/him), bubbles (6, she/her), rose (14, she/her), peter (14, he/him)

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Re: Dependency issues *TW*

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Aug 26, 2018 8:46 pm

One thing that helped me a lot was realizing that a lot of the longing and loneliness comes from the littles. It's somehow easier to think about how to comfort a little kid or a toddler, and takes away some of the shame of having those feelings.

So I try to be really clear about how long it is until we see the T--how many "sleeps," and what we'll be doing each day until then. It helps a lot that my T IS available for support between sessions--so I can touch base and be reminded that there's a connection and caring. But without that, I would probably make a big calendar for the wall and write down each thing that's planned with other people. So if you did that, you could write down when you'll be talking with your partner next, when you'll be seeing your friends, your T, etc. Spread it out literally on the calendar as well as among different sources.

But sudden rejection like what that helpline did is really destabilizing and awful. When/if you resume calling them, ask them to tell you EXACTLY how often you can call. There must be an amount that triggers that blocking function.
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