(i feel like i'm not allowed to put this in the DID forum but i don't even know if i ever had BPD to begin with so i feel like i can't post it over there and i don't know where else i could put it. if i'm not supposed to put this stuff here then feel free to move it.)
the helpline i've been regularly using to cope blocked my number because i "phone too much" and i can't use them again for 30 days. i asked before - several times - if it was okay to use them regularly and i was told repeatedly that it was fine. maybe my definition of regular is different...
i know i have dependency and attachment issues, i know i probably over-used their service, but i don't have anything else. my partner works full-time and with the five hour time difference (they live in a different country to me) i barely get to talk to them. they're also not doing well and they're very stressed and burned out right now so they can't give me that level of care and attention, and i wouldn't expect them to. my friends all work full-time and aren't free except for weekends. i also can't talk about a lot of stuff with my friends because they don't understand mental health stuff at all. i don't have contact with my family. i live alone. i'm not allowed pets because of housing rules, and i wouldn't be able to afford one either. i have my therapist but i only see her an hour a week and she can't see me more than that or offer me support outside of sessions. i have my support worker but she's not a mental health professional and i don't know her very well yet, so i can't trust her with a lot of things. the rest of my mental health team are refusing to co-operate with my therapist or myself because of a diagnosis review issue, and even if they were being supportive i only get to see my psychiatric nurse an hour a month, and my doctor can only see me for 5/10 minutes at a time.
i turned to this helpline and it helped me get by, i thought it was a good thing that i was reaching out and talking to someone when i needed it instead of isolating myself or being self-destructive. it's not like i haven't been in therapy, i've not used them as therapists, just people to talk to. i obviously talk to my therapist about things, it's just hard managing between sessions.
i know there are other helplines and websites where you can IM people but i've tried a fair few of those and only this helpline i've been using has ever been consistently good.
*trigger warning - abuse mention*
i should be able to get by without being so dependent on other people. i got so used to hiding things from friends/partners/etc because they abandoned me when things got too bad, they never understood what was going on, or they had their own issues to deal with and couldn't handle helping me. i had to hide things from family otherwise they'd use that as an excuse to hurt me. i've always found it easier to talk to people i don't know because they can't abandon me or constantly hurt me, if they do it, it's just one time. that always felt safer to me. i know that's unhealthy and f*cked up and i know i don't vent in a "normal" way either but i don't know how else to cope.
*end of trigger warning*
i shouldn't feel so hurt and abandoned over this, just not what i needed at 3am when i can't sleep... i shouldn't be venting like this either but my partner's asleep and i can't vent how i normally would and i don't know what else to do. i've had 0 contact with my alters, the denial is so bad with that right now that i feel like i have no-one to talk to or relate to. i wish just typing this out helped me but it doesn't.