I have a problem

For the first time I'm in a relationship with a guy who is aware of my condition.

On the upside I don't make concerted effort to hide any part of myself.

On the downside (sort of) I have to now continously maintain a level of contact with all parts because at any opportunity he seems to use "my memory" as an excuse or problem.

Problem is that because he's doing this it means "abuse" to me. On the other side nearly all humans except perhaps Mother Theresa will in small or large ways exploit weakness (perhaps that's just a negative belief I hold on to) so it makes me feel like to give him a chance but to maintain on high memory alert.

Literally every tiny thing is readily told to me. I noticed it just now when talking to someone else. Insignificant information was immediately passed onto me. Usually something insignificant would slip past me.

On the down side I'm most likely once again in a relationship with an abuser. On the upside information is readily passed without any holding back purely motivated by that b. will not get one over on me and use my memory as an excuse.

So (unsurprisingly) I'm in two minds: do I 1. Leave the relationship because to exploit weakness and lie to gain power and control is clearly abusive or do I 2. Stay in terms relationship and see how it is with this level of information passing - is it better. IDK but it's probably as close as I'd get to integration. Life is simple, generally stress free when you only remember relevant stuff. Every piece of detail is boring and I'm getting a head ache. And I don't get headaches. I didn't know what a headache was until a few years ago.

I know it's a bit of a strange one. Leave abuser is what I'm expecting but because of the basically positive impact it's having on me internally I'm tempted to ride it out a bit.

Also if he realises he can't exploit my memory will he stop trying? I'm a bit of a scientist, a bit of a gambler and a bit of an adrenaline junky but I also like simple peaceful life so - IDK

Anyone experienced anything similar?

When we (and this we mean me and my SO of nearly 15 years) realised I had alters and the implications of that he started using my memory as an excuse. Mostly about things he claimed he has told me and I've forgotten which in the past has caused more then one disagreement.

But he isn't trying to use it as a weapon against me but as a way to get out of a disagreement because he is very non confrontational which is one of the best things about him as far as I'm concerned. He is passive and non confrontational and remains calm under most circumstances.

So maybe speak to him about it if he isn't trying to use it against you he should make an effort to stop, talking to him about it doesn't really expose it as a vulnerability if he is already using it against you. And if he doesn't try to ammend his behavior you know its abusive.

If it is abusive then I would say to leave because abusers often escalate the abuse as time goes on.

NyxX wrote:When we (and this we mean me and my SO of nearly 15 years) realised I had alters and the implications of that he started using my memory as an excuse. Mostly about things he claimed he has told me and I've forgotten which in the past has caused more then one disagreement.

But he isn't trying to use it as a weapon against me but as a way to get out of a disagreement because he is very non confrontational which is one of the best things about him as far as I'm concerned. He is passive and non confrontational and remains calm under most circumstances.

So maybe speak to him about it if he isn't trying to use it against you he should make an effort to stop, talking to him about it doesn't really expose it as a vulnerability if he is already using it against you. And if he doesn't try to ammend his behavior you know its abusive.

If it is abusive then I would say to leave because abusers often escalate the abuse as time goes on.

Thank you, that is a very helpful reply.

I see it immediately as abuse (because of my past) but I do wonder if it is just avoid confrontation that he tries to use my "memory" as an excuse or it is possibly because he has this bee in his bonnet about me remembering stuff. It irritates him when I can't remember something or take a long time to access the memory. He pushes and pushes my "memory" all the time to its absolute limits. He thinks because my memory is fragmented I won't remember things we do together and this upsets him so the possibility is that his testing out my memory in a way that is taking advantage is to push it to its limits so I remember stuff better.

I "remember" everything but I don't always have access immediately to what he's talking about. Another time I'd have immediate access. He finds this unacceptable and I find it hard.

In previous relationships they'd moan I had a bad memory or say I'm lieing when I couldn't instantly remember stuff. I found that easier than the pressure to remember and prompts until I remember what he's talking about. It causes personality shift. I find it draining. Then he'll try things like saying he didn't say something just moments before and I get really annoyed which sometimes also causes personality shift depending on how much I engage with him about it and how much he pushes it.

So I don't know if its actually abusive or a really annoying way to force me to be at a "normal" memory level.

I will ask him.

Thanks again.

To me/ us it’s red flag all the way .

I get the scientist, gambler , adrenaline junky but for us it ends badly when our sense of things gets distorted as they gain control . Then it’s easier to be manipulated.
Plus why’s he’s pushing you to limit ? What about the impact on you /all? Stressful ,

Do you think he’s going to honestly answer your questions ? Be careful please and keep posting .

I spoke to him. He said it hurts him when I say that he is trying to hurt me or mess with my head. He said he wouldn't hurt me and that he loves me. He cried about all of it but particularly over the memory thing because his nan had dimensia and it reminds him of that when he has to repeat himself. He said he understands about my memory and he said sorry a few times.

I told him I feel like he hates me and he said he loves me. I always feel like people hate me because that was the feeling I felt from my mother. He said I have to stop thinking he hates me because he loves me. I am trying.

He said the hardest part of our whole conversation was that he knows we'll have this conversation all over again. I don't think we will but it's written here now so should it arise again as an issue I have something about what we said.

He keeps notes about our conversations if their serious. He asks if I want to read them but I don't. I don't know why I don't want to.

I have a major change of routine at the moment and he feels like he has no time with me - that even when we're together I'm not there. That is definitely true, I am in an "adapt to change" mode and mostly shut down other than to deal with the routine change. My plan is over about 6 weeks slowly ease up on myself and relax but at the moment I can't have other parts jeopardising me. It wouldn't be out of spite, we all have the same goals, it'd be out of something silly like not going to bed on time, forgetting washing or to make my sandwich - small upsets add up and until I've been in this routine for 6 weeks I'm not risking it.

I explained all this and how I am trying to put time with my partner into my routine. He had previously misunderstood because of how I worded it - I used a word that'd trigger my brain to make sure I do spend some time with him and didn't explain that. After I explained he was happier about that.

It's still going to be a hard few weeks on my relationship but I feel after talking to him that it might be a little easier now.

I will keep posting on this thread so I can look back and keep an eye.

Thanks

It sounds like he using the memory of his man to justify his behavior which for me is a really big red flag. Finding something to blame his behavior claiming to love me and promising a change that would last maybe a couple of says if I was lucky.

Anyway my point is that I feel after you have had the conversation is the most crucial time because that is when you will see if his words were genuine.

I agree with nyx. See what happens.
Hate to be negative but I’ve had people cry , tell me they love me and it’s been one big mind ###$.
Listen to the actions , not the words .
Plus if he’s so troubled about his relative maybe he could use some help .

I agree about actions being most important.

His grandmother who had dimensia died. She raised him and it was very difficult when she didn't know who he was so I think when I don't remember nice times we've had it upsets him more because it reminds him of that time.

Aside from that it will be the actions that count.

Thank you both for responding.

I apologize for being so negative . I can see how not remembering good times would be difficult for him.
I’ve had many negative experiences so perhaps I’m not the best person to respond. I get ( or have gotten) hooked by nice words to my detriment.
Keep posting and let us know how it goes

LadySlippers wrote:I get ( or have gotten) hooked by nice words to my detriment.

I know it comes from the way I was manipulated as a kid but as soon as someone says anything nice to me or about me or that they care for me or make promise or anything positive really, I become suspicious and feel like its a sign they are gonna harm me and ate just waiting for me to let my guard down. Its a large part of why I don't trust people and I know some people are genuine but I always expect its deceit.