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Another problem with not remembering

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Another problem with not remembering

Postby fireheart » Thu Jun 21, 2018 7:26 pm

Some days ago NyxX wrote about "The problem with not remembering". They mainly referred to not knowing the reasons behind their behaviour.

It made me think of my own problem with not remembering... Not learning! A.k.a.: making the same mistakes over and over again.

It is one of the greatest frustrations I have with myself. After something happens I usually try to engrain the memory by repeating it a couple of times to myself. E.g.: do NOT talk about private things to X anymore. And then the next day another alter will gladly do so.

Sometimes things get "erased", too. So I, as an alter, will even do the same thing, too. It is incredibly frustrating! I suppose the answer is: better/more cooperation. And/or, eventually, more integration...
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Re: Another problem with not remembering

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Thu Jun 21, 2018 7:32 pm

Would writing it down help? I remember things better if I write about them in my journal. Then I can come back to it and each time it seems to get absorbed into more parts of the system, or people get new understandings about things. So maybe you could write that "Today we told X about _____ and then X did such-and-such and it made me feel ____, so I don't think we should talk about those kinds of things to X anymore." Then you would see it again the next time you look at your journal and maybe it would get reinforced?
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Re: Another problem with not remembering

Postby fireheart » Sun Jun 24, 2018 7:19 am

That's a good suggestion! For some reason I still feel a lot of resistance towards journalling and recording. I don't think it makes a lot of sense, because it could be very helpful, but it feels like I would be controlled or something? As if there would be too many rules.

This week we managed to do a team meeting! For the first time, I think. We used playdough to represent all the thoughts/feelings/ideas that were clashing, and then we problem-solved. Feeling hopeful about that. I think not being "on the same page" is the main problem, so if we can take that away - by any means - that would probably resolve a lot of the amnesia/conflicts. Yes, come to think of it... I think right now the amnesia is used as a tool. A tool to reach conflicting goals/fight each other.
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Re: Another problem with not remembering

Postby birdsong87 » Sun Jun 24, 2018 10:12 am

I feel the resistance too. whenever I do the things anyway it turns out good and helpful and not bad at all. but next time I feel my defenses again...

the thing about behavior is that it strongly relies on memory and expectation. we put together what we remember about similar situations to predict an outcome. to tell us what to expect when we act in a certain way. If our memory is hopelessly split and all over the place certain parts will always come to the same certain expectation and therefore action, because they hold very limited memory to work with. learning needs us to share our experiences with each other to create a bigger picture for our expectation so that our rigid response systems can become more flexible.
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Re: Another problem with not remembering

Postby fireheart » Sun Jun 24, 2018 1:31 pm

birdsong87 wrote:but next time I feel my defenses again...

Yeah, that's actually exactly the sort of thing I mean with "not learning".

Thanks for sharing, makes me feel less alone.

Yes, my experience is that of split memories. It makes a lot of things very confusing. I dream of a world, one day, in which everything makes sense and in which my own behaviour makes sense to me. That may never happen, even after reducing dissociation. :wink:
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Re: Another problem with not remembering

Postby Sarandipity » Sun Jun 24, 2018 8:48 pm

I believe that in the past memory gaps temporary or permanent were for the purpose of achieving goals, experiencing as much as possible and learning as much as possible across a broad spectrum.

Many discussions of many personal life issues from simple to complex, making agreements, making codes of conduct, personal rules and morals, aligning beliefs took years and we still disagree on religion generally. So much research and a dream aligned religion eventually but there's still not 100% agreement or even 10% agreement. It's agree to disagree and not put ourselves in religious environments - nearly caused an elderly lady to loose her faith due to our so many questions and it was decided that was against our moral code of conduct.

Anyway aligning selves, agreeing on goals, having general procedures to follow in possible situations definitely helps to quell memory gaps and makes accessing memory a much more open experience because everyone is, to use your phrase, on the same page.

Very occasionally someone will go off the reservation though. Eg I was supposed to do something that no one wanted to do and when I woke up on the Sunday morning after going out on the Friday locked in a jail cell due in court the next day all I thought was "thank God I haven't got to do what I was supposed to do tomorrow" Then it was just a case of damage limitation, taking responsibility for my actions and accepting the consequences - which btw was completely worth it. Had to work out a future better solution of course.

If your system has always somehow worked in your best interests without hurting others to the best of your ability, even if the methods were sometimes unconventional then a dialogue and alignment will, fingers crossed, be possible - not necessarily easy or smooth, but definitely possible.
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