New here, intro and about me (us?)

Zor wrote:I hope that I will begin to see more writing that I don't remember doing, that is varied in handwriting and style of language, things I see as being the others. I want to see them expressing themselves more

It doesn't have to be writing that you don't remember doing. I almost never lose time and when others are writing, I'm watching it happen (which may be weirder than "returning" to see writing by someone else). They are writing through me, in a way.

Those are definitely not my feelings coming through the pen, and at first it was very hard to let it happen, and also hard to believe that I wasn't just being creative and making these people up. To let the first one write in a journal to my T (we have two journals, one just for us, and one for the T to read when we go there), I had to imagine putting myself in an inside room so I would be out of the way. I wasn't completely gone, but could get a little distance so I could tolerate it better. At one point she said, "Go back in your room--I'm not finished!" (She's somewhere between 6 and 12 and can be very bossy--sorry, I mean she has very good leadership skills. )

Anyway, my point is that it can be possible for them to write while you're still present.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:
It doesn't have to be writing that you don't remember doing. I almost never lose time and when others are writing, I'm watching it happen (which may be weirder than "returning" to see writing by someone else). They are writing through me, in a way.

Those are definitely not my feelings coming through the pen, and at first it was very hard to let it happen, and also hard to believe that I wasn't just being creative and making these people up. To let the first one write in a journal to my T (we have two journals, one just for us, and one for the T to read when we go there), I had to imagine putting myself in an inside room so I would be out of the way. I wasn't completely gone, but could get a little distance so I could tolerate it better. At one point she said, "Go back in your room--I'm not finished!" (She's somewhere between 6 and 12 and can be very bossy--sorry, I mean she has very good leadership skills. )

Anyway, my point is that it can be possible for them to write while you're still present.

I understand that that is possible, but it hasn't been my experience (yet). It's only been a few times that other writing has appeared, so maybe some time in the future I'll be at least aware and "watching" it happen, even if not "in control".

I hope your evaluation went well and wasn't to stressful

NyxX wrote:I hope your evaluation went well and wasn't to stressful

Thanks for asking!

It went alright. It was mentally exhausting though. Two computer-based tests that were "true/false" questions, followed by the DES-II. The first two tests, 560-something and 180-something questions…  Talk about exhausting. All this after 90 minutes or so talking to the doctor, too.

All in all, however, it went well. He'd seen the psychiatrist's notes and diagnosis prior. He'd looked at them well and was familiar with them, asked a lot of questions about all that was there and what's been going on- and best of all, KNEW what dissociative disorders are, including validating the very real feeling of "others" in my mind. He said he doesn't see this often, but it's not unheard of or even as uncommon as people think… and that he can work with me to help get it manageable, hopefully to a level of integration where it's something I can live with (even without full integration).

I get the results of all this on the 15th when I see him next. At that time we'll also lay out the therapy plan for how we're going to approach this.

That sounds really good Zor! V1 wishes we could find someone who'd do all those tests on us too lol.

I hope the follow-up next week goes smoothly for you, and is less exhausting!

V2

VioletFlux wrote:That sounds really good Zor! V1 wishes we could find someone who'd do all those tests on us too lol.

I hope the follow-up next week goes smoothly for you, and is less exhausting!

V2

I hope it's less exhausting too!

It was good that he made a point to reassure me a few times it's not "crazy" or "out there", but a legitimate disorder and can be worked with and treated. Something that CAN be addressed and learned to manage and/or cope with. I was glad he was so receptive and open to what was going on without wanting to drug me out of my mind to "stop it" or just blowing it off as "that's not even likely/possible". It was a great comfort to know that it's real and can be dealt with as a real issue without the drama or condemnation.

it sounds really positive I'm glad it went so well and hope you get some time to unwind and rest

NyxX wrote:it sounds really positive I'm glad it went so well and hope you get some time to unwind and rest

About a week after this next appointment I have the (not so) fun task of addressing some people who got very hurt by this alter mess I've got. They had been talking to some of my alters, unaware (as I was) that they were me… and some things were said, some mutual disclosure (which I'm just not finding out is what the cause of the anger and hurt is, after 6-7 weeks since being confronted about it and discovering that these "friends" are alters in my mind) about very sensitive personal traumas. Naturally, the people felt betrayed and like I lied to them to draw this out of them, and are hurt and upset.

I need to apologize for unintentionally misleading them (I did introduce them to these friends that turned out to be my alters), and for the hurt that was caused by the conversations with the alters… and try and explain what a dissociative disorder is, what alters are, and what I'm doing to manage and address my condition now that I'm aware of it.

THAT will be a very difficult discussion… It's necessary to begin healing, and hopefully repairing now very damaged friendships which mean a lot to me… But it will be very very hard.

So I am very much looking forward to the next week or so being "restful" leading up to the results of these tests being revealed and therapy plans being laid out. I hope the time between this appointment and that meeting is calm, too… I am already suffering the anxiety of facing those I care for that I unknowingly hurt so deeply. I wish it would help to tell them that Pixie (the alter that feels most responsible) feels awful, too… but I suspect that that would only make things worse, particularly if they're hostile to the diagnosis and reality of the condition as some are (and they being so emotional and hurt very well COULD react badly b/c of that pain, despite two doctors saying this is a dissociative disorder at work).

It's great you are getting yourselves diagnosed and getting help so soon. Doesn't happen to everyone, usually people are in different treatments for 7 years before getting diagnosed correctly, and finding help can be a struggle.

I am asking out of curiosity, how did this happen in the first place? How did you get in contact with them, and who and why got suspicious about it? I know a friend of yours tracked them down for you, but there must be a reason why (s)he did that.

PlanetIcarus wrote:It's great you are getting yourselves diagnosed and getting help so soon. Doesn't happen to everyone, usually people are in different treatments for 7 years before getting diagnosed correctly, and finding help can be a struggle.

I am asking out of curiosity, how did this happen in the first place? How did you get in contact with them, and who and why got suspicious about it? I know a friend of yours tracked them down for you, but there must be a reason why (s)he did that.

The friend mentioned above, about personal disclosure, apparently got suspicious months ago. I don't exactly know when or why. The "tracking down" effort was on behalf of this suspicious friend, not "for me", and it just happened to lead to me- for obvious reasons.

As for how I got in contact with the friends that turned out to be alters… Two of them reached out to me, after what I'd thought was a chance encounter online… we played a game together on FB and the others were introduced to me by these first two (Pixie and her "twin sister" Kaitie-Lynn (Kitten we call her) - the two which I think are the first two alters) over the next few/several years.

If you mean how did I get in touch with those that got suspicious and caused/did the investigation that discovered this… they are very good friends from church.

I see there's a "blog" thing on the forums, I think I might sit down and make a few entries to describe how it "began" (the online part), then how it became what it was before it was discovered, and how that latter part and up to diagnosis happened… I think it could help clear up some stuff.