T wants integration, need advice

I saw my T last week and decided not to hold back at all with the alter talk. I showed her one of our journals and suffice to say she's taking it all on board and seems very enthused to work with us, talking about EMDR and part work to deal with the trauma stuff, wherever it's hiding.

As always, there's a catch. She wants us to work towards integration. I'm not sure that she knows that there are other options, and although she made a joke when I bought up my reservations about it ("you're going to tell me how to do my job?" she meant it in a funny way but still meant it I think), I'm intending to write an email explaining how I feel. I want to include lots of information on structural dissociation and the shortcomings of core theory, and find a way to explain that we all exist because of each other, because of our joint strength and ingenuity, and that means we all have the right to keep existing.

There is no way I could (nor would I want to) convince parts to work through their trauma with someone who's intention is for them to integrate. I need to find a way to make sure that she understands that working with us means having the best interests of all of us at heart. She likes us quite a bit (well the 'Lana' who she has been working with), talks about all the potential we have etc. and my concern is that she wants this one part to blossom and succeed rather than reflecting our goal of functional multiplicity.

Has anyone ever had a similar experience with needing to persuade a T of a certain course of action in treatment? Has anyone ever had to explain why integration isn't their goal in therapy? I would really love some ideas on how to do this best because I really want to keep working with her if I possibly can. Thanks so much everyone, hope this finds you all smiling today

Has she read the isstd guidelines? They are pretty clear about working with all the parts and viewing them as equally important, and they also say that full integration is not the desired outcome for everyone. Maybe you should get her to clarify what she means by integration, if you haven't already. She might mean all the parts working more seamlessly together so that you all have access to all of your feelings, skills, etc, as needed, rather than not having any parts anymore.

After we got our T sorted out in terms of doing some homework to get more familiar with working with DID patients, she started to talk to us about integration as a goal and as soon as she brought that up we stopped her and straight up told her, our goal is cooperation, 'healthy multiplicity'.

Like you, we would not be willing to continue working with our T if her goal for us was fusion towards being a singleton.

She clarified that she's using the term integration to mean, integrating the dissociated memories, emotions, & experiences. Not integration as another word for fusion. Once we got that out of the way we were able to continue.

Like the Gang said, I would ensure you and your T are both on the same page as far as the terminology, make sure you are all using the same words with the same meanings. And at the same time, make sure she knows what your goals are as a system.

-Violets

"you're going to tell me how to do my job?"

Did she go to did-university? Is she treating patients with DID for years and years? How many of them integrated succesfully?

Yes, you are going to tell her how to do her job in your individual case, and she should understand that you are the expert here, and not her.

B

just adding a thought here cause I am not sure if that is clear...
integration (as in fusion) does not mean that anyone is going away or stops living. it is more like a lasting blending. Some of us really like the experience because it allows them to take part in outside life a lot more. people often get so involved in their fear of the unknown here, and full of misinformation and mistrust, that they miss that for some it actually is the best way.

when Ts ask us about our goal we say that we aim for more connection. ultimate connection might be fusion. but it might also just be a more integrated life. it is difficult to make absolute goals that early in therapy. who knows how things will develop? I for sure never thought that an abuser-loyal part would start to love our new life so much she wants to fuse to have it all the time.
I think that its the most helpful to agree on a direction. do you want more dissociation or more connection (and that is more integration). nobody tells you how far you will have to go into that direction.

Like birdsong says its early to know what's going to be right for you. Bottom line is your T works for you. Healing's got to look like healing that works for you. Ask her to keep an open mind. You keep one too.

Colin

Yup, "intergration" can be a tricky word.
In psychology, it is commonly used for memories and experiences, not for alters or for fusion.
But in the DID community, the word tends to be seen as synonym for fusion (even if it's not the same thing).
So do not hesitate to ask your T about what she really means.

phillipasfriends wrote:
There is no way I could (nor would I want to) convince parts to work through their trauma with someone who's intention is for them to integrate. I need to find a way to make sure that she understands that working with us means having the best interests of all of us at heart... ...our goal of functional multiplicity.

Has anyone ever had a similar experience with needing to persuade a T of a certain course of action in treatment? Has anyone ever had to explain why integration isn't their goal in therapy? I would really love some ideas on how to do this best because I really want to keep working with her if I possibly can. Thanks so much everyone, hope this finds you all smiling today

"functional multiplicity", oh my yes. Our T has repeatedly assured us we all have equal validity, that in no way is our therapy intended to 'delete' anybody. Your idea of writing a letter to explain fully your point of views sounds like a good plan to us as is the suggestion of others to clarify what your T means by integration.

Dear Phillipastfriend

"You know you have DID when...a post entitled "T wants integration, need advice" triggers the heck out of you and causes seizures!" lol

And no I'm not kidding at all. Using grounding techniques as I type after a bit of checking out. Serious PTSD symptoms etc ugg.

Par for the course.

I agree with the other posters. The term "Integration" can mean many things to different people and especially in mental health and in the DID community. My advice is to have them explain fully what they mean by that.

Also the Joke about "Are you telling me how to do my job?" is a big red flag to me as well. I fully agree with the International experts on complex trauma when they say there is no silver bullet and if anyone claims there is to run like hell! lol

Just as I told the Jehovah's Witnesses that came to my door a few hours ago, like Recovery, "what "God" means to each person and how to worship or not worship is deeply personal". What "Recovery" means for you is deeply personal and a good Therapist understands that and will work with you to obtain YOUR goals, not theirs!

Speaking only for myself at this point in time, "Integration" is my goal for recovery. Integration in the sense that I want all my parts to work harmoniously together as a team and well oiled system. It does NOT mean "Fusion" or killing them off! All my "Parts" are a vital part of who I am and love and respect all of them. There is much communication and healing work from all the trauma that helped create them, but they are all "parts" of the entire "me" (host) and wish to keep it that way!

This is My view of "integration" and deeply personal. Just as my ancestors fought hard for the rights to worship as we each see fit and not be bullied into fitting into one size fits all box, nor will I allow some ignorant T bully me into what is best for me even though they insist they know me regardless of only spending 50 minutes once a week with me for a few months. There is my protector alt lol.

Even though the actual Experts on DID used to believe that full "Fusion" was the end goal, they too are learning from hard earned experience that this is not the best approach and usually does not end well. I have met some women who were "Integrated" back in the 80's/90's and they now regret it as their lives are very thin and feel like large important parts of them are gone forever. Their quality of life they describe as being gray and as if on meds. Not for me.

Recovery for me, means experiencing more of life fully, not less like I do now due to Trauma and Dissociation.

My advice now that I am more grounded is simple. Explore and discover what "Recovery" means to you and if your current T is not willing to help you achieve those goals, then find one who will go through this journey of healing together with you.

I have done extensive research to try and find ANY Therapists who are properly trained and experienced in treating DID and I can count them on one hand in the entire United States. I am sure there are more, I just have not been able to find any listed. Qualified help for us is Far more rare than DID. If you are able to find one, they are always booked out at least a year.

As depressing as that may sound, that is NOT to say there are not any T's who can help us. It took me 4 years to find one who is pretty young and open minded enough and willing to learn some to try and help me. I also have to pay out of pocket for Therapy over the phone in addition to that. I also have an extremely low standard now (well below the minimum requirements just to be licenced). I don't ask them to do anything too heavy, just simple mindfulness and grounding stuff.

If you've read even just one book on DID, you will likely know twice as much as any Therapist on the subject...

In light of this, I am responsible for my own recovery. Not my Therapist.

Hope this is somewhat helpful. I know all too well how hard it may be, but we have been through far worse. We are survivors by nature.

Warmly
Lumpy

Hi everyone,

Thank you all so much for your responses. I was guns a blazing out of fear and really needed the reminder to slow down and realise that this T that I really like, does seem to have really good intentions for me. She has a very strong character in sessions so sometimes I feel like I'm just not communicating well enough which is why I was so concerned about all this. The email was a good choice to be able to talk to her and in the end it went really well.

TheGangsAllHere, first thing I did after reading your post was go back and re-read the guidelines. I used the vocab I found there to clarify everything I wanted to in my email, so thanks heaps for pointing me in that direction. Turns out she meant the work together kind of integration which is awesome news.

Violets, you were right as usual hehe, terminology was the big barrier, integration is such a scary word to hear in session. The other red flag for us was she kept referring to parts as 'ego states', which we know occur normally in everyone so we were really concerned that she didn't understand the full extend of our multiplicity. Again, it was just clarification needed, she explained she was referring to dissociated ego states and we agreed on calling them parts from now on.

birdsong87, I have never heard of positive fusion experiences before so I was intrigued to read your comments and did some more reading to try and understand further and avoid getting caught up in fear again. And it really is early days for us in therapy, I think a direction rather than a goal is a really good idea so we can be more flexible as we progress. Thanks heaps for your feedback, and really happy to hear about your abuser-loyal part that has had such positive experiences through fusion.

Cheers Colin, we're working on the open mind. Funny how someone who experiences such a ridiculous spectrum of things on a daily basis could be so closed off to new possibilities!! Ah well, we'll get there eventually I'm sure.

Dwelt, that was where my confusion came from I think. I'd only heard it in the context of everyone becoming one (maybe from old DID doccos) and so didn't hesitate to panic when I heard it from out T haha. Glad the distinction is clear now!

littleDaria, I think because this is only the second session we've ever even mentioned having parts, we were probably looking for a little reassurance too that we are all valid and allowed to stick around and got scared when the opposite seemed to happen. I hadn't thought of how that might of played into how we reacted, I think I'll write down some thoughts on that and share them with her tomorrow. Thank you!!

Lumpy68 I'm so sorry to have triggered you!! I didn't think to put a warning on my mistake will remember next time. I'm going to record "I am responsible for my own recovery" in my journal, I think it's an empowering thought I should try and hold on to. I'm from Australia so there aren't too many experts here either that I've been able to find but I think this T is a really good fit and I'm feeling much more confident now I know everything is okay. It's nice to see your name popping up around the forum! Welcome/welcome back and thanks for your support