Little needs to grow up?

Not even singletons want to be 100% grown-up. Disneyland would go out of business.

Don't let a therapist pressure you into doing anything you are not comfortable doing.

Resurrecting this thread because my T mentioned again recently that Robin (a little) needs to "grow". I asked her what she meant and she said Robin needs to grow older. T said that she thinks that having her be grown up would be a great addition to our team.

T is no longer convinced that this would happen as a result of trauma work, but rather as a result of allowing Robin to front more in daily life.

Unlike the last time she mentioned this, I am now in full-contact with a part named Mae. She claims to have "killed" Robin back when she was host, in order to protect her. Basically, Mae is the 1:1 protector of Robin. She exclaimed inside: "Well, you'll first have to go through ME!" when T was saying all of this.

My beliefs:
- littles don't have to grow up
- littles can choose to grow up if they want to

Why does T saying that Robin needs to grow up bring about so much internal turmoil?
I still think that maybe it is somehow important that she stays the age she is - as if her being little is part of the role she fulfills for the system. Maybe I don't believe that she will still be able to see all the small miracles in life, that she won't be able to help us fantasize our way out of things anymore, and that she will lose the ability to play if she grows up (like we did). I was devastated when I noticed that I didn't have the "magic" anymore - for the love of me I couldn't play anymore at some point. I was very relieved when I eventually found out that Robin kept that intact for us.

Also, having her front more sounds awfully tricky. I don't want something to happen to her when it turns out that the situation was actually inappropriate. We've been very careful about having her front.

Are these just my defenses talking? What do you guys think about having parts grow up? (And getting the suggestion from others that they should grow up?)

Nadia here. That idea angers me like what the ###$. A little is a CHILD. They don't all have trauma memories and either way let them be kids. If they wish to talk to the T that's different. Our T does talk with our little's but to check on them, see how they're going but treats them like children because THEY ARE. Robin only needs to grow if she wants to. Describing her as a addition to a team is really derogatory. WE ARE PEOPLE. WE AREN'T ROBOTS. WE ALL HAVE OUR LIVES AND SHARE A BODY. WE ARE ALL USEFUL THEBWAY WE ARE. She does not need to do anything she does not want to do. It is not normally as simple as just growing up anyway.

I think I understand the logic, but in practice your T should be listening to you and your reservations, which she's clearly not if this keeps coming up. I question a therapeutic relationship where you're not being heard properly.

your T is still wrong. Fronting more often does not make anyone grow up. With all her playtime, Maya is still almost 6. D and Annett got a little older with the past 2 years, aging with the passing of time, but they also got pretty adult responsibilities and absolutely didn't front all the time.

we recently had H grow up, her choice alone, nobody else in the system influenced that one way or the other. it taught us a few things.
basically, parts don't have "ages", they have levels of development that we can match with the age someone would usually have. A little is a little because their level of emotional, cognitive, you name it, development is at the level of that age group.
Aging HannaH meant for her to change the maturity of her ability to regulate herself, to think and make choices, to see the world and understand it etc.
she cut programming to be able to get there. she didn't work thru any of her trauma history in particular. her trauma symptoms got better with knowing of the present and outside reality, which is not the same as aging. she has only been fronting for about half an hour each year and that didn't increase with her growing up.

a little can be an addition to your team. they add their own parts of your dissociated abilities.
your T either doesn't know what she is doing or she is not telling her the real reason why she feels this is necessary.
all our parts who got older felt that maturing, slow or fast, somehow fit for them. Age is a valuable addition to the team, and she is different from the intense girl who just wanted to please people. but she was rock solid sure she wanted to age and nothing could stop her.

Exactly. Our littles front as well and they're still children.

Nadia speaking again.

Hi,

Having everybody be exactly who they are is important. Sometimes you kind of want them to be different but that's because you don't understand what they do for the system. Sometimes things would be easier if X grew up but the system might lose something important (or somebody else would have to do it). Everybody is there for a reason doing what they do because they're trying to make it work.

No spare parts.

Iain

that is true Iain, but then it is not all of the truth.
the system is usually set up for survival in trauma time. with no changes ever we just keep ourselves stuck in old patterns that are not needed anymore.
It absolutely needs an examining of roles and what everyone is doing.
in some cases there can be a relief from old jobs, like storing trauma memory away from the others so they won't have to know.
being connected to the present makes some jobs unnecessary. it can mean that the role of a part will change dramatically. it can feel like looking for a place for a spare part and sometimes it does lead to spontaneous integration.
the important thing is that change is a development that needs certain factors, like new understanding, more presentification, healing from trauma, it is complex! someone wishing from the outside that a part would be easier to deal with is not a good motivation for change. it's turning the process upside down. you first need to do the work, then you see the change. first the healing, then, just maybe, signs of more maturity.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and support.
Yes, every part is important!

T is not forcing me to do anything. Sometimes I think she just blurts out a lot of suggestions to see what I will pick up on...

@birdsong, How did Age manage to change her level of development? Did D and Annett grow up because they had more adult responsibilities?

I don't know if this is true, but my theory is that T wants Robin to grow up because Robin has attached to the T. She doesn't interact with T other than occasionally sending an email, and she is more attached to insiders than to T, but she does feel scared when T leaves (goes on Holiday, etc.) My guess is that T wants Robin to not have those feelings anymore, because she would be old enough to not miss attachment figures in the way young children do.

I think growth is an essential part of life and that even as adults we should be continually growing. But growth does not equal growing up, growing up is often a natural by product of growth but is not the same as growing up. Its like saying cooking will make your turkey brown, but it should only be the skin that browns and the point of the cooking is to make it edible not to make it look better.

Growth means learning new skills, acquiring more knowledge, discovering new interests, it means healing, it means discovering new ways to live your life. So I think growth is something all parts need because being stuck and frozen isn't good for them but I don't think that means they have to grow up.