Like sleepwalking

Big episode that I could’ve blown off like I usually do but for some reason paid attention .
Felt like sleepwalking and I woke up when I got into car.
Was at this market place with lots of vendors . Had told self to buy some soup for lunch . Just kind of blacked out and bought lots of things besides soup which is fine . ( 2 soups, flowers , salads, ...) Heard voices /felt like I was asleep and dreaming .
Therapist retired last week ... maybe this is why it happened ? Or just ready to really really accept down deep that I have many parts .
Could hear lots of people talking inside .Just took over.
Home and ok .

Don’t want to go back into denial .

Just a guess at this but it sounds like you may have switched to another alter, one who seems quite capable. For months after I became sure about having DID, when someone else fronted, especially if I was feeling overwhelmed and wanting to get away from it all, it was common for me to have a sense of sleepwalking -- or what I might have then called walking through a fog.

Maybe you woke up when you got to the car because you're the one who drives?

For me this was overall a plus. I didn't lose time, which would have alarmed me, but I also didn't need to be very engaged and necessary stuff still happened. Dealing with alters, trauma memories, and having DID was very stressful at first. I was just aware enough to confirm that what should happen was happening, that I could see I (my body) seemed to be doing fine in getting some things done. In hindsight I'm very thankful for the help.

Naturally, your therapist retiring has generated a specific kind of stress, having and managing heavy (and normal) emotions. Ultimately, who was taking care of everything was you in the broad sense, dissociated parts of you all.

Thankyou for the input . I’m not sure exactly what happened but I think you’re correct . I was competent and shopping/appropriate. Just not “ me” there.
The fact that I/ we are safe is what’s important. I know there were many people talking and when I got to car I “ woke up”. Then all the voices stopped. It took me a bit of time to figure it out/was disorienting.
Nothing bad happened except I bought lots of food and flowers. Much more than I planned to.
I didn’t black out /more like walking in my sleep and responding to what “ they” wanted . I could hear them talking .
I called friend when I got home so I don’t slip back into denial . Then slept for 2 hours.

Kudos for not falling back into denial. I slept so much more when I first began acknowledging the DID and working with everybody. I think even moving towards greater co-consciousness is taxing and requires a lot of "rewiring" in the brain. My memory of all this happening to myself was foggier and I mostly can recall because I journaled so much about everything the first few months.

It was much easier to see and remember this rewiring and associated exhaustion happening for my adopted son. As he became co-conscious and began acknowledging the DID and wlecomed new alters, he slept an inordinate amount of time, which was greater the more changes were going on.

That’s interesting about needing sleep. I often sleep after therapy but after this I absolutely zonked out so thanks for validation . It makes sense. Had planned to journal but fell asleep for hours.
I appreciate your feedback -this is quite the experience .
At least I didn’t freak out ( and we picked gorgeous flowers and yummy food choices).

I think I’m actually ready to learn about us after years of denial and stalling . I did hear bits and pieces which I don’t now remember but I wasn’t totally blocked out.

Also -than you for comments about my therapist retiring. It’s been very painful ( understatement). There’s a lot of longing

LadySlippers wrote:I think I’m actually ready to learn about us after years of denial and stalling . I did hear bits and pieces which I don’t now remember but I wasn’t totally blocked out.

LadySlippers, I'm in the same boat. I've been in denial for years. After a 2-year battle with crippling depression, I noticed that when my T and I talked about my alters, my depression felt a little bit lighter. That was enough for me to take the plunge and start taking my alters seriously.

LadySlippers wrote:I think I’m actually ready to learn about us after years of denial and stalling.

I'm really glad about how you worded that. I didn't so much deny things outright as stall on looking into DID. Or maybe distracted myself about looking into it closely.

I looked up multiple personality as a potential diagnosis many times and sometimes thought, hmmm, it doesn't seem a sure thing but I have thought about this before. I ought to see a therapist and look into that. But just didn't somehow.

Stalling is an extremely common coping mechanism for us unfortunately.

Comevuoi, the internal response to talking about alters had a clear, positive effect for us too and that kept me going many times when things were rough, especially when the feelings felt little and innocent.

Comevuoi wrote-
“LadySlippers, I'm in the same boat. I've been in denial for years. After a 2-year battle with crippling depression, I noticed that when my T and I talked about my alters, my depression felt a little bit lighter. That was enough for me to take the plunge and start taking my alters seriously.[/quote]”

Boy oh boy I get this . I was super anxious before this episode but then after it was like some pressure was relieved (even though I was foggy for awhile ) when they had space to talk and act ( buying food and flowers).

Johnny-Jack wrote:

LadySlippers wrote:I think I’m actually ready to learn about us after years of denial and stalling.

I'm really glad about how you worded that. I didn't so much deny things outright as stall on looking into DID. Or maybe distracted myself about looking into it closely.

I looked up multiple personality as a potential diagnosis many times and sometimes thought, hmmm, it doesn't seem a sure thing but I have thought about this before. I ought to see a therapist and look into that. But just didn't somehow.

Stalling is an extremely common coping mechanism for us unfortunately.

Comevuoi, the internal response to talking about alters had a clear, positive effect for us too and that kept me going many times when things were rough, especially when the feelings felt little and innocent.

Yes, stalling even when I knew I could no longer deny . Then the fear which I still have actually, like “ How” can I do this ? What does this mean ? What will my life look like ? Will I end up in hospital ? And .. then all these abuse images and voices must be true . It’s rewriting my whole life .
I’m of the MPD era as well -that’s how long I’ve been dealing / not dealing with us . Also , for years it was silent so I thought they went away . Ha.

But I don’t want to stall anymore . The price is too high and I’m simply delaying my growth , not knowing my brave brave competent people who have kept me afloat

Sorry about the messy quote aspect of this post . Still learning -again thAnks to Iain I at least have the basics if not the finesse on how to do this.

Stalling--that's really a great way to put it. Because it's not really denial if I know something is there, but don't think there's anything that can really be done about it, and plus, life is too busy to focus on it so I'll just think about it later.

I've been thinking frequently about the time when my oldest child was 4 (she just turned 25), and I suddenly felt a 4 yo boy inside me, moving closer to the front (I really wish I could remember what brought him forward right then--he doesn't seem to remember either). And I remember thinking, "Oh, there's a 4 yo named Bobby inside me." And I even knew that there were things that had happened when I was 4, and that I was probably noticing him because my own child was 4. But...that was it. I didn't realize I could talk to him, and he wasn't saying anything to me. I didn't think anything could be done about it--that it was just the way things were inside me because of my childhood--and it wasn't as if I was aware of any distress from it. So I just went on with trying to give my kids a better childhood than I had.

But, yes--no more stalling for me either--no more wasted time trying to avoid dealing with this.

It’s funny ( not humorous ) how we do the stalling. I had obvious things going on too , but it’s just the way it was.
Then it was stalling because dealing with things head on felt too overwhelming. I’m at the beginning in some ways but others not so much.
Need to work on communication but I’m in a different place as far as it goes wanting to really know who’s in me.