New, not sure if I could have DID

Hi, I'm new to this forum. I haven't been diagnosed yet with DID as I am wary of seeking psychiatric help after having nearly 30 years of on and off psych help, of which some has been awful. I've had numerous diagnoses of bipolar by 4 psychiatrists, and boderline by a few and all those and more previous have also diagnosed PTSD, OCD and anxiety. When I was 21, over 20 years ago, I had another name for a side of myself I called a name linked to sadness (sorry I want to keep it private for now) and I was in a psych hospital as an inpatient for 2 months and I recall my psychiatrist making me not call her that name, there was a load of poetry I wrote about it at the time and a few years earlier as well, and they encouraged me to think in terms of transactional analysis where everyone has different ego states. Then when a psychiatrist said I had a mixed episode of bipolar 1 quite a few years ago, looking back the rapid cycling and mixed episode could have been DID. I have not had any mania since, only depression. The question I have is that I feel I had a part who was really strong, able to cope, worked hard, was emotionally stable and when that was needed, she was there, and now for the last few years she is gone. Now I feel mostly like I am that part I mentioned earlier linked to sadness, but also parts that are angry and sometimes make frustrated noises and often dealing with being triggered, flashbacks, sometimes whole body shaking, suicide ideation, but for example I said to a friend earlier, I won't let myself kill myself. I relate to a lot of what people write on this but none of my alters, if they are even alters, have names or obvious ages, but they are different. I've just thought of them as part of me and being ego states as in transactional analysis which I was told it all was well over 20 years ago. I recall recurring dreams from nearly 40 years ago, which I wonder if they even were dreams now or perhaps a place I escaped to in my mind to escape trauma. Can I get this part of me that was the strong part back or likely it was an alter and if gone for a few years then she's forever gone? I wonder if that psychiatrist made me integrate without knowing it. Years ago I asked for my notes but they told me they were flood damaged. I remember her saying that after my mother told her about my childhood, she described it that I was terrorised. My mother denies it all now and says it's in my head, which I know is a lie. I have a letter from another psychologist where she admitted certain awful things which she again denies she ever said. My sister won't talk about any of it and we have nearly no contact. I talk to myself in "you", "I", and call myself my name sometimes, mostly in my head but I do talk to myself aloud and especially between "I" and "you". I have for years had an awful memory, like so much is trapped and I can only sometimes access parts, and have always left myself notes, in work and personal life but never thinking I am leaving for another part of me to pick up, but because I just can't remember if I spoke to someone earlier in the day, made a plan, a person's name, made an appointment etc.

Welcome, Greenc!

Greenc wrote: Can I get this part of me that was the strong part back or likely it was an alter and if gone for a few years then she's forever gone?

My understanding is that if it was an alter, then it's still there somewhere--they don't disappear for good. And integration is something that all the parts have to agree to--it's a long and conscious process to get there (apparently), so not something that could be done to you without your awareness.

This forum is very helpful for information and support, so you may want to spend time reading it and seeing what resonates with your experience.

There are therapists who are experts at diagnosing and treating DID, so if you think it's a possibility, you should probably look for one of them in your area. A psychiatrist could technically diagnose it, if they have experience with dissociative disorders, but most don't do therapy nowadays (and those who do are more expensive than other types of therapists), so it might be better to start with a T who could actually treat you.

I think there are things that once lost can never be regained.

innocence, trust, respect

but strength? not in that category. I emphatically believe that you can get the strong part of you back.no matter how you label it. that's a part of you, and it could never be lost forever.

Thank you both for your replies. I really appreciate it. I hope I can get the strong part of me back. Another part of me that talks to me as "you" seems strong but also robotic. It's like "you should do this", "You can't do that, it would cause problems", "You need to do this," it's quite bossy I suppose, but it's like a backseat driver, checking on what I'm doing, guiding me, but not seeming in control itself. Not the same as I was when I was that strong person. I do feel like a shell. Some really painful things are coming back to me, mainly in parts, fragments, and I can't let myself feel them or else I can't carry on. In a way, it's like I'm robotic now even, because knowing these things, I can't let them touch me. [trigger]And that's just reminded me of something a friend at school said to me about 30 years ago when I told her about a man who tried to rape me when I was 13, that no one really touches you unless you let them. If only that were true.[/trigger]