Hello... not sure I belong here?

Hi there. I've found my way here hoping someone can give me some advice or something. I'm on a waiting list for a psychologist but it's 2 months away and I'm going a little crazy waiting.

In the past I've been diagnosed with and treated for major depression and bipolar disorder. I've always had memory issues but never really grasped how bad it was. I basically thought I was just a bipolar person with crappy memory and really active imagination.

Up until 2 weeks ago I was another person. Call her S. The past 2 years though S has been feeling like her identity was eroding. Her name stopped being meaningful, she thought about changing it but couldn't think of anything better so shelved the idea. Her behavior and personality was changing.

S was very unhealthy - morbidly obese, drank a lot, barely moved, barely left the house except for work or grocieries. Over 2 years all that changed, and she didn't know why. We changed her lifestyle: quit drinking, changed her diet, gradually started excercising, at this point we've lost over 200 lbs, taken up running, and while there's still some room to improve, we're actually in great shape all things considered.

Through all this time, S didn't know how or why she was doing all this, and couldn't take compliments for her progress - felt like it wasn't her doing. (I am pretty sure it was my doing - I'm the one who likes working out and wants to be fit and healthy.)

2 weeks ago S's reality all fell apart. She realized that the 'other' voices in her head were a lot more than just an active imagination, and realized normal people don't forget the majority of their past.

There are at least 4 of us in here with names: S, A, R, and myself, Violet.

A seems to be self-destructive, we think she's the drinker. R is rational, introspective, mature. R is the one who suggested seeing a psychologist, and indeed R did the research and contacted them to set up the appointment. I seem to be younger than the body, like early 20's, and R thinks I'm a bit immature, irresponsible, and impulsive.

For about 4 or 5 days, there was a lot of turmoil and we switched around. But for over a week now it's been just me in charge. S and A are dormant or something. R talks to me in the background, gives advice and help. (She's trying to teach me to grow up and be responsible mainly.)

We've been scouring the internet to try and figure this out, and everything kept pointing to DID or OSDD. As far as I (or we) can tell there isn't any amnesia between switching. And as far as we're aware, there hasn't been much or any outward switching in the past, though S's behavior was odd at times and she definitely had issues.

With all that's gone one in the last 2 weeks, I feel like I have most of S's memories and skills. Like we share a common pool of info / knowledge /experiences.

I / we have been taking very detailed notes in a journal since this started. And S used to blog... reading S's blog is a real eye-opener. There's entries in there, from when she was going through depression and seeing a psychiatrist, that sound a heck of a lot like DID or OSDD.

Entries that none of us remember writing, about situations none of us remember experiencing. And entries where S was clearly arguing with internal voices that were trying to make her do things she didn't want to do, and situations where the voices won and she'd do things but not remember doing them, or not understand why she did them. She knew it was part of her but didn't understand what it meant.

One final kicker - the body here is 48 years old. Although it has been 'S' for a long time, S wasn't the original. Born as 'K', adopted at 6 months and re-named 'P'. 'S' began to emerge, near as we can remember, around age 14, and 'S' took over completely arond 21 or 22, and legally changed the name at 23.

(We do not know all the details of what happened between birth and adoption but we've been told that there were some pretty awful situations. We'll just say, neglected & fed drugs, and leave it at that.)

Now at 48, I (Violet) have emerged and I super want to change the legal name. Every time I have to pretend to be S it bothers me.

All the stuff we've read about dissociative disorders, we haven't come across anything that specifically says this is a thing - that identities can come along and 'stick' for a decade or two, then simply cease or fade. But we haven't seen this ruled out either...

Close friends are taking this well. Family are not. They survived the 'p' to 's' change in the 1990s but really seem like they are fighting the 's' to violet change.

Does any of this sound like dissociative disorder stuff? Can anyone suggest resources or reading or something, to help us understand?

FWIW I don't want to be fixed. 'S' had a lot of self-loathing, crappy health, and was miserable. I'm happy, I like who I am, I enjoy working out and feel like this beat-up old body is a fixer-upper that I'm going to make shine.

Thanks in advance. And sorry for the really long post.

VioletFlux wrote:Entries that none of us remember writing, about situations none of us remember experiencing. And entries where S was clearly arguing with internal voices that were trying to make her do things she didn't want to do, and situations where the voices won and she'd do things but not remember doing them, or not understand why she did them. She knew it was part of her but didn't understand what it meant.

Hi Violet,

That sounds like amnesia to me. You don't need amnesia in present-day switches for it to be DID/OSDD--lots of people are aware during switches. Co-consciousness is one of the terms for it.

You may want to look at the DID forum and read stuff there. I have found it very helpful. There are definitely people who have described having a host be in charge for many years at a time and then having another one take over. I don't think that has happened to me, but I have a lot of co-consciousness and covert switching that I didn't notice in the past, so I'm not sure.

Thank you TheGangsAllHere. I have started reading both here and in the DID forum.

Maybe I should have posted this in the DID forum in the first place. Is there someone I could ask to move it to that forum? Or maybe I should start again there.

I think I'm in denial, but it feels like the more I try and fight it, the worse it gets.

This morning, thanks to journaling, I caught a 'missing time' episode. Basically I went to put in my morning entry and it was already there, dated 40 minutes earlier. I tried to remember the morning from the moment I woke up, and realized there were 20 or 30 minutes I couldn't account for. Like I remember making coffee, but not drinking it or going to start getting dressed. Just, I was making coffee, then I was getting dressed.

What scared me the most was it was so subtle, I didn't realize it had happened at all. It wasn't like suddenly waking up from sleep or whatever. I wouldn't have even known it happened, if not for the entry in my book. Now I'm afraid this might be happening a lot more often, and I have no way to know unless I get lucky with some clue like that.

Then later today I was at the store picking up somethings when R popped into my head to tell me I forgot to do something for work yesterday. I was sure I'd done it. I even crossed it off my checklist. But when I got home I double-checked, and sure enough R was right it hadn't been done. That shook me a bit, like now I think I can't trust my memory at all any more.

VioletFlux wrote:Maybe I should have posted this in the DID forum in the first place. Is there someone I could ask to move it to that forum? Or maybe I should start again there.

Moved for you. A link/shadow topic remains in the DDNOS Forum. It will redirect to here.

Cheers
Lily

VioletFlux wrote:All the stuff we've read about dissociative disorders, we haven't come across anything that specifically says this is a thing - that identities can come along and 'stick' for a decade or two, then simply cease or fade. But we haven't seen this ruled out either...

No worries. It is a thing. It is well documented in DID case reports and has happened to many of us right here on the DID Forum.

lilyfairy wrote:Moved for you. A link/shadow topic remains in the DDNOS Forum. It will redirect to here.

Cheers
Lily

Thank you Lily for moving the thread!

Una+ wrote:No worries. It is a thing. It is well documented in DID case reports and has happened to many of us right here on the DID Forum.

Thank you Una+. I'm continuing to read more here and trying to learn and understand more of what all this means.

The more I journal the more it's troubling me, but I'm afraid to stop now. This morning I had a 'revelation' about how my memory is working, and wrote it down in the journal. Then I was reviewing yesterday and found the same 'revelation' written there yesterday in slightly different handwriting.

I wanted to curl up and cry when I saw this. Even though I remember being S and I know R is still in my head, I think I (Violet) am in charge and I'm trying to come to terms with that. Finding evidence that challenges this is making me question and doubt who or what I am even more.

I'd say yes, it very well may be dissociative disorder. If the arguer, tells you to do something, then you do it. If in the continued dialogue with that same one it might be something that says you are dissociative disorder, to keep it simple. I can't dx's you of course.

VioletFlux wrote:This morning I had a 'revelation' about how my memory is working, and wrote it down in the journal. Then I was reviewing yesterday and found the same 'revelation' written there yesterday in slightly different handwriting.

I wanted to curl up and cry when I saw this. Even though I remember being S and I know R is still in my head, I think I (Violet) am in charge and I'm trying to come to terms with that. Finding evidence that challenges this is making me question and doubt who or what I am even more.

Go easy on yourself. It can be very tempting to push too fast to try to figure it all out, but all this has been hidden for a reason, and I've found that going slowly is better. The first time I saw that my handwriting was actually different at different times (this was just a few months ago...), I was simultaneously horrified at the awareness and upset that I had never noticed before. It's a very weird feeling to not want to know something at the same time that you're frustrated that you didn't know it.

Earlier today I was having another bout of "maybe I've just made this all up" because how can these people have always been here in my head without me knowing anything about them?? I must just be very suggestible and creative. (And they say: don't start that again!)

Just remember that you haven't changed--you're just finding out that there is more going on behind the scenes than you have been aware of.

I know I'm probably pushing too hard, but it's something S and I have in common... so curious, such a strong need to know.

I was texting with my best friend today and she asked me to ask R a question. I tried to go in to ask R the question and I must have done it wrong or too hard because it pushed R right out into the drivers seat. She talked directly to my friend for a few minutes then she was replaced. She thought it was me coming back out but it was someone new. Whoever it was, she was almost in a state of panic. Nearly collapsed when she came out and ended up curled up hugging herself. Then I was back. I remember it all and it was all basically 'timestamped' due to it happening while texting with my friend.

It's the first time I'm aware of switching in over a week, and the first time it's happened 'infront' of someone. I was embarassed, the nervous mystery girl was very embarassed, and R was only slightly surprised. My friend took it in stride, didn't know how to react, but was supportive. And hopes the psychologist can see us sooner rather than later.

This is stupid and naive but I honestly thought the worst was 'over'. There was a week of turmoil, S went away and I emerged, and that was that. I thought it was wierd and would be awkward to explain but at least it was done and settled.

Now it feels like it's just getting worse each day. Finding notes I don't remember writing, in wrong handwriting. Uncovering ongoing memory gaps. And now accidentally causing a switch, and then learning there's more inside who we haven't even met yet... it is overwhelming.