Seeing someone else while therapist is away

So, my therapist is going away for a one month vacation.

Usually I see her twice a week, but (obviously) during this time she won't be available at all. First she said that it would be great to practise with not having therapy at all, so I should just go without therapy for a month. I protested this, however, because it would be a very big transition, and we are not even close to terminating at all. (We are in the middle of treatment!)

Then she found me a colleague to see. At first I felt relieved when she told me this. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. The feelings that will be triggered by my therapist being away are carried almost exclusively by child parts. Two of them in particular do not trust adults AT ALL, so it will be very difficult to convince them that the therapist is safe. (It is these parts who especially need a safe place to express their feelings!)

Also, the therapist has no experience with DID. He does treat children, adolescents, and adults, also for trauma. My therapist said that he is very patient and kind.

I'm very afraid that this person will misunderstand us if we don't provide background information, including information about parts. However, the idea of trusting him or even him knowing those things about us feels extremely uncomfortable and unsafe. My therapist offered that he could come to one of our sessions to introduce himself, but that also feels incredibly intimidating! There would be two of "them". I feel guarded and afraid just thinking about it.

My question is, does anyone have experience with something like this? What would you advise me to do? Any thoughts? Ideas?

we personally would consider it even harder to see someone else than being on our own for a month. time passes by so quickly. we are often looking forward to T vacation because it means that we will take a vacation too, relax, do nice things and not work on difficult topics.
we have been working with a concept of a main T and an assistant T for years. the assistant T would cover vacation difficulties. it worked well enough. but this arrangement was set up to last for years, not just a month. starting all over with a new person is really hard.

we had a session where we met with an long-term doc who introduced us to the person taking over the job. it was very helpful and created a lot of trust. we could hear what he told the new doc about us, and we could add things if we thought that was necessary. we would always say yes to a session like that again if we had to change T.

Hi Fireheart,

We also have a system with insecure, disorganized and preoccupied attachment - version depends on the part.

While i haven't done this with a new T, I know my T (isstd trained) also has this in place with her clients.

But what is made clear is that the "supportive" T is not providing a continuation of the therapy done by the main T. That these appointments are there for attachment constancy purposes, or stabilization, or help with ongoing issues that can be tackled by someone not participating in the long term therapy plans (ie. problems arising at a job or with parenting, or spouse etc). And a space to talk about how it makes you feel that your T is away (abandoned? angry? sad? alone?) and work on those issues related to attachment. I can imagine this is very helpful.

I like the idea of the joint meeting however in my system there are several parts that don't think they want to hear everything that the T thinks is clinically relevant for the new T to know. And worry about what they know and what they don't know. The new T will not have to know everything to serve this role. And that is ok.

Ts being away can be very hard and a goal could be to simply minimize distress and disruption to the therapeutic process. Which doesn't include the new T knowing everything about you.

Take care.

What about the possibility of meeting them for the session together, putting aside a decision on the rest? If your littles were to see your therapist with the temporary therapist, might they not see that the two are alike? If they trust your therapist, your littles might be a little more comfortable with the second one. Obviously, you have to answer all that for yourselves.

Just a thought, but is it possible this is a yearly thing for your therapist. In that case, you might want to make your decision based not just on this year but on the future too.

I've transitioned three times among four therapists (A to B, later B to C, then C to D) and early on it might have helped the littles to see them together. Critical to them was that each set of therapists had all talked to each other extensively and were able to confirm the next therapist was something similar to your "patient and kind."

In recent years our littles have come to trust the adult alters more than they do anyone else so we don't have the same challenges. I don't think I ever made that observation until I just wrote that.

Hi fireheart,

First of all, I'm glad you protested about the "great to practise with not having therapy at all" idea, because I think that whole concept of needing to practice now for a developmental achievement that one will attain eventually when they are ready is misguided in any context. It's something that I think creates attachment issues when used as a parenting philosophy, for example (it's behind the push for babies and toddlers to separate and be independent), and it's also responsible for the trend (at least in the States) for children to be pushed to learn academics at younger and younger ages (you'll have to learn how to read eventually--better to start at 3 than wait until 6 or 7--not!). It ignores the whole idea that when developmental needs are MET, fully, then a person can move on from them.

Ok, stepping off that soapbox now.

I like what SamsLand said about using the temporary T for continuity, stabilization, immediate problems with present-day life, and talking about how the littles feel about the real T being away. I know what you mean, though, about not wanting two of "them" there for the temporary T to introduce himself. Maybe you could arrange for your T to briefly step out of the room while you meet the new one, so at least you would start out meeting him in a place that feels more safe. Also the littles would see for themselves that your T trusts and likes him.

I guess it comes down (as it often does) to all of you communicating with each other (and maybe to your T) exactly what the fears are and seeing if they can be addressed. I know that for me, I'm finding that sometimes as I start to articulate certain long-held fears to my T (particularly about what he will think of me or how he will judge me for being/acting/feeling a certain way), they start to dissolve when held up to present day scrutiny. What would it take to convince those two littles that this T is safe enough? Is that possible? What exactly is uncomfortable and unsafe about him knowing enough information so that he could helpfully interact with the parts that need to deal with the T being away? Maybe your T has an idea about what information she thinks would be helpful for him to know so that he can provide the right support for you.

Anyway, I hope this is even a little bit helpful!
S.P.

Agreeing with the posts above. Our T has been away for a fortnight. She told me well in advance she was going. The only cover I have is phoning the crisis team if I am in difficulty. I know most of the crisis team there are some we get on with and some we don't. She said that in future she will make sure I have a named person to phone. We would not like to have to meet anybody new sometimes we think people don't like us and we also think that some people are frightened of us. Which makes me sad because we end up wanting to look after them rather than the other way round.

If it was for longer than 2 weeks then I think she would have arranged some sort of cover but probably done it in discussion with me.

Compelled to write the following.
I really really love K and have thought about him all the time that my T has been away because I know he would look after us if we were struggling. I was allowed to send him a piece of paper with some pony stickers on. He will not open it because he has to give anything sent to T but he will have received it and known who sent it so he will not forget a bout us and will know we have not forgotten about him. T said it would be ok if we did send things to K.

First of all, thank you so much for responding! These are all really good points!

I'm going to take some time to think about it more, but these are my first thoughts: to some extent I DO actually want to take a vacation too, @birdsong87. Since she'll be away for five weeks, I'm considering having appointments the last three weeks.

It's difficult because I think that one the one hand, the more I will see this person, the more likely it would be that I would come to trust him - but my T made it clear that it won't be therapy (just maintenance; what Samsland and TheGangsAllHere mentioned too).

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I like what SamsLand said about using the temporary T for continuity, stabilization, immediate problems with present-day life, and talking about how the littles feel about the real T being away.

So does it really make sense to have regular contact with him? I don't know...

I think I do want to meet him beforehand... Maybe only for 15 minutes, but still. I like the idea of deciding after that, @Johnny-Jack! I talked about this with T today - she said that she could leave the room if I would like that (I think so!). I also said that maybe we could play a game (like Monopoly)... Whatever we do, I want to be able to observe him kind of quietly... :/

I still think T doesn't understand, even though I told her something similar to what I shared on here. I don't think she understands how deep these trust issues are... Or maybe she doesn't want to burden him with a lot of work. She said that when she helps him with his clients, they usually only do phone calls (instead of actual appointments).

I was thinking that maybe, because there is so much distrust, I would be able to do something in-session with this person - instead of just talking... Maybe drawing or playing a game. I don't know why I feel sort of attracted to that option. I guess it's because the littles feel a bit more comfortable with the idea that I could slowly get to know this guy - less pressured to talk to him. Do you guys think that this is a good idea? Or do you think I would not be using the time wisely...? I know discussing issues would be preferable, I'm just not sure if I can...

And, yes, I think my T will go on Holidays in the future, too. I hope it won't be a yearly thing (this long!), but I'm pretty sure she will have long vacations again (and she said that probably I could see him again).

Also, @LittleMie, sounds like it helped to send things to K! Even while T was gone.

fireheart wrote:I was thinking that maybe, because there is so much distrust, I would be able to do something in-session with this person - instead of just talking... Maybe drawing or playing a game. I don't know why I feel sort of attracted to that option. I guess it's because the littles feel a bit more comfortable with the idea that I could slowly get to know this guy - less pressured to talk to him. Do you guys think that this is a good idea? Or do you think I would not be using the time wisely...? I know discussing issues would be preferable, I'm just not sure if I can...

I think it's a good idea. That is how 3D children interact with and get to know people, so you would be meeting the needs of your littles by getting to know and trust him on their terms. I'm not sure that discussing issues would be preferable to playing--whatever you need at the moment is what is preferable. This is just meant to be a temporary holding situation after all. If this guy works with kids and teens, he is already used to spending time playing or drawing during sessions. You could ask him about that when you meet him so you could be reassured that it's ok. Don't forget that you are in charge of this relationship. You can make any request you want and he can go along with it or he can let you know what he thinks of it and you can have a discussion about it. You also have your T,, that you know and trust, to discuss things with ahead of time.

Thank you, TheGangsAllHere. Really helpful! I think I may ask him if it would be okay.

My therapist is gone for 3 weeks on vacation and it's going to be really hard on us but we have the same issues with trust so wouldn't want to see someone new so we just have to stick it out until she gets back.
Kelly