Diagnosed this week - Confused and scared

I want to introduce myself.

I am 36. I have been in therapy in one capacity or another going back to elementary school. I am not quite sure why it started so early and have no recollections until my pre-teen years. I have always had a bad memory and trouble telling what really happened or what I imagined. I definitely never told any T that I heard voices. I always knew you never tell a T about voices or suicidal thoughts, even though I felt them both, lest I be committed. Depression and anxiety gripped me and I ended becoming an addict and alcoholic as soon as I could. I finally found sobriety at 25. People in recovery often talk about a "committee" or voices in their head and I started to think that most people heard them. It became very normal for me to express to others. All was well, for a very long time. I functioned and was very happy. Created a wonderful little family for myself. Then, bad things started happening in life, as they will, and I started to descend into my spiral. Still, I never mentioned the voices to my last therapist. At least I think I didn't? He said there was really nothing wrong with me, other than being a little weepy and depressed, but did not manage to help me in any way.

I switched T and brought a typed up sheet with all of my mental issues, since I always forget what to tell them and thought it could help. I knew I wasn't okay like the last guy said. I walked away with a diagnosis of BPD, PTSD, MDD, and GAD. Woah. That was crazy! She suggested a PYSD and I went. I walked away from that with a diagnosis of DID. She had me take the STDID and I scored 53, over and over again. I was blown away. What? How could I be 36 years old and never have known? I am struggling with it. and scared.

On one hand, It fits so perfectly. The lost memories, the constant, lifelong lost memories! I thought when I got sober, I would suddenly remember things, or at least start to stop forgetting, but it has gotten worse than it was before. The voices. The mood swings. The childhood Trauma. The depersonalization. The disassociation. On and on, the symptoms fit to a T. Except that I had no idea. My parts have no names. And now that I know, "or think I know" a voice just corrected, I have tried to connect with them, and its like my head went quite. Sort of. I mean they are still there, but they aren't talking back, they are ignoring it or telling me that it isn't true. That there has been some major error and I should stop trying to communicate because it is just crazy thinking it could be. Is that normal?

I feel like I don't know which way is up. I keep reading this forum, thank you for being here, and I both enjoy it, relate to it, and then at the same time find myself being pulled away, like I shouldn't waste my time because this isn't my problem.

My T tried to get me to communicate with them and told me to go inside and talk to them and invite them to introduce themselves but I don't get it. Am I supposed to see something in my head? Hear something? Feel something? I feel like I am doing it all wrong. I am just so so confused. She told me not to be scared, nothing is wrong, that in fact all is well and I am creative to have been able to cope this way, but I am scared. being told I am not the only one in my head. I mean I knew, but I didn't know. And I don't know who else is there? And I don't want to know what they know. Its all just terrifying to me. Does that mean I am going to scare everyone away from communicating back?

Help, anyone? Is this all normal?

Hi,

I can relate on many levels.

What? How could I be 36 years old and never have known? I am struggling with it. and scared.

I have just been diagnosed in the last six months and I am 72. I can't believe I went my whole life not knowing this. I too, have been in therapy quite a bit. My therapists were not clued in at all. I don't believe any of them believed in DID, so weren't looking at what was really going on. I did "inner child work" BUT in going back. It was definitely communication with an alter. I did active imagination in Jungian Therapy. It was communication with alters. Crazy. Now that I know, I can go back and see a lot. I always wondered how I could feel so bad and so damaged and yet have only minor trauma. Hah, it was the alters who took the major trauma and I had no clue.

That there has been some major error and I should stop trying to communicate because it is just crazy thinking it could be. Is that normal?

Denial is VERY strong in the beginning. I always feel like I'm faking it. Now, it's not quite as strong. The system can be very invested in hiding. That's what the system perceives kept us safe. Persistence will be necessary.

Am I supposed to see something in my head? Hear something? Feel something?

Every system is different in terms of communication. Here are some things that have helped our internal communication:

1. Keep an attitude of curiosity. A conscious awareness.
2. Right hand, left hand dialogue. (you the right hand and let an alter speak through left hand writing)
3. Pay attention to dreams. I've had some alters appear in dreams.
4. I use the Table Meeting. Here is a link that is written from the therapists's perspective, but you will get some ideas of how to do it yourself perhaps
https://scholarsbank.uoregon.edu/xmlui/ ... CR_rev.pdf
5. When I "go inside" I put on a blindfold that complete block out light and sometimes put my fingers in my ears. Then I ask alters to come forward. If I know something about them but don't know their name, I might think as if I'm talking inside, "I'd like to talk to the part that says, ____________ a lot."
Something like that.

I know you'll figure it out. It is very scary at first. I felt - like this is crazy. But it gets better.

Blessings on your journey,
Berta

it all sounds very normal. almost like a textbook, that classic...
the textbook sometimes calls host behavior "avoidance of the inner experience". even if it is not outright denial there is still a resistance to deal with the inner experience, that is the others.

many in our system get quiet when they are asked a question directly. when they are supposed to share an opinion it suddenly gets silent *enter sound of crickets
try to relax. Sorry that that's probably the best advice I can give... but denial/avoidance gets even stronger when you put too much pressure on yourself. when you are tense/stressed the others will feel it and it might be a signal for them to keep their heads down so to speak. creating a sense of safety for yourself will also help with attempts of communication.

Same here. I was in my 40's when diagnosed and I went through the same process. How the hell didn't I know this decades ago? And now it is blindingly obvious! Why didn't anyone know what I was talking about? Or maybe they did know! Why didn't anyone tell me?

It is a process. Stick with it. The rewards are worth the effort. Your thoughts and feelings will change. You will come to terms with some stuff that seems incredible now. You will learn, grow, change, and create a wonderful new life, a life on a whole new level.

Early on, several therapists said to me something that I had a hard time believing at the time, and it was kind of embarrassing too. They all said some variation of "I feel privileged to assist you in your journey." Well, I soon learned they meant it and why they said it, and so I say to you:

I am honored to assist you.

Hi

You have found some incredibly knowledgeable and experienced people here on the forum.

D.I.D is covert. In order to survive, one must hide, blend in, create as little disturbance as possible lest you stir up demons. That is what the System knows until you show the Alters that it's safe to come out from hiding.

When they believe they're safe, they usually become quite vocal.

Welcome... Brett

Your doing great; Im glad your here!

LostandConfused42 wrote: I thought when I got sober, I would suddenly remember things, or at least start to stop forgetting, but it has gotten worse than it was before. The voices. The mood swings. The childhood Trauma. The depersonalization. The disassociation. On and on, the symptoms fit to a T. Except that I had no idea. My parts have no names. And now that I know, "or think I know" a voice just corrected, I have tried to connect with them, and its like my head went quite. Sort of. I mean they are still there, but they aren't talking back, they are ignoring it or telling me that it isn't true. That there has been some major error and I should stop trying to communicate because it is just crazy thinking it could be. Is that normal?

First congrats on your sobriety. Anyway, most of what you mentioned, not just what I copied, is a lot like myself as well. Once I learned about DiD and was diagnosed with it, at the age of 28 or 27, my memory became terrible, I dissociated way worse, all the symptoms were worse, expect the voices went somewhat quite.

The reason I am mentioning this is because yes your story sounds perfectly normal. And perhaps it's gotten worse, but you are simply noticing it now, you are aware of what you have already become accustomed to. That's what I think for my self anyway. That I didn't notice these symptoms fully before, because I wasn't even aware they existed. If that makes sense.

Anyway, this is a great forum for information and experiences of others. Hang in there and keep trying to communicate. And for me the best thing has been a journal. Just make copies of it and hide them or something. A while back someone in my system deleted all of mine. So yeah...

Welcome to the forum.

diagnosis is a very difficult time. your experience sounds very typical of DID. but in another way, compared to normals -- this experience is anything but typical right?

go easy on yourself and yourselves. doubts, denials, arguments, and silence are all normal. i had to accept my diagnosis over and over again. until all of me realized that this is who we are.

my experience very similar in age, addiction, recovery, misdiagnosis, etc.

welcome to the forum. it's an excellent place to deal with the diagnosis and normalize an experience that seems so unusual, so isolating. here there are people who understand.we support each other.

have compassion for yourselves. have kindness to yourselves. have unconditional love and acceptance for yourselves. you are a growing, changing, dynamic, and spectacular person. you survived. you are here. and you are welcome.

I just wanted to echo what everyone else has said. i agree, it is not adult onset but adult awareness. For us it was late 30s too.

People here and the therapists who help us have generally come to the consensus that you become aware when you are equipped to deal with it. Doesn't mean it will be easy.

I am glad you found this forum. It is a real life saver sometimes.

I totally get the fear . I’m still kind of stuck there. It feels like venturing blindfolded into a room full of people ( to me ) when I become more aware of my others . It’s the “ not knowing” what’s going to happen.
I tell myself we’ve been together a long long time and it’ll be ok. But is sure doesn’t feel ok. Some is the unknown of it all... it’s a major change .
Sometimes too get discombobulated when they have completely different interests and concerns . I’m hoping when we have better communication life will be easier.
Actually It still feels new to me and it’s been a while . Keep posting.