Littles and attachment

It is becoming clearer that over the 3 years our former assistant T has been with us Maya developed some kind of attachment. He left 7 months ago. Now, as we are changing assistant T again (not our fault) she is back to that loss and her despair is so much bigger than we expected. Only now do we realize that he has been an anchor of safety for her, even though she didn't even front more than once. While everyone else is basically over it she isn't.

Our current main T said it's unhealthy to develop child-like attachment to anyone outside the system. The adults here agree. We would like to keep attachment and emotional needs within the system. If we could be her rock and her safety... because we will not leave, like every T will, sooner or later.

I wonder if anyone here has made positive experiences with attachment with a T.
We feel the longing and the despair and the painful lack and the deep deep void. There are 2 new male helpers (our littles dont recognize females as attachment partners) who will soon be part of our support system and we want to avoid further attachment.
We are still curious if this has ever worked out for anyone.

Hi birdsong,

Hello, I'm new to this forum, so before I reply I'd just like to say hi

Ive been talking a lot about attachement with my therapist. I believe its very healthy to provide an attachement figure for littles inside, to not get into projecting mother/father roles on the outside world, as people in the real world will never be able to have that role.. however, i think we should also learn to be able to get attached to people in a healthy way. I think that includes a therapist. For me its OK to get attached to a therapist, and in a way inevitable to me. All the problems I face caused by that, are part of the therapy as well.

im trying to have some parts of my system take care of the children, but its tricky for me. Now i realise, it takes time to develop a connection between some helpers and the children. I'm trying to work it out by giving them all a safe place mentally and irl, and I keep on talking about it in therapy.. it probably takes time and courage. Facing little ones and meeting their needs is facing a lot of old pain.

our attachment issues are far more painful than anything else we experience

some have/had a deep attachment to our old T, but because they can no longer see him feel that their desire is wrong, "bad", punishable.

I think at some point over the last year some attached to our new T. But the realization that attachment only brings pain has rebuilt, on the foundation of all of our previous defences, new walls that are likely to be permanent.

While I think therapists have good intentions to provide a safe place for a professional attachment that will allow for healthy attachment to people in our lives, they are grossly mistaken (at least for some of us). I think at best they are there to provide a safe place to explore attachment issues and enable some insight to help establish safe relationships to the people in our lives.

at best we can develop working relationships with people in our lives but attachment will always be a painful, soul-wrenching desire that for eternity will remain elusive. seeking it out, or believing it will happen simply creates a state of hopelessness, disappointment and defeat.

This is not what I "believe" it is what I experience, no matter what perspective I try to take.

We are not in a place where I can even imagine littles making healthy attachments on the inside. so i cannot say that I think this is possible. It is actually one part of the ISSTD approach that I am not on board with.

I am sorry I couldn't be more positive.

I had a similar experience with a previous therapist, and still wonder how the eventual termination will pan out with our current therapist. I agree that it is not ideal to have that attachment with someone outside of your system. Theories about therapy argue that the therapist is an attachment figure for a while in order to give someone a different experience, however, over time, in therapy, people are theorized to "grow up" and no longer need to have that attachment with the therapist outside of themselves. That would be a sign that you are ready to terminate therapy.

The thing that comes to mind for me is that it is important to make sure that everyone (including the littles) understand what therapy is about, what it entails, and what will happen. (For example, in short: the therapist is there to help us, because we sometimes have trouble doing x / because we went through something difficult in the past that sometimes still comes back to us now. When we've learned a lot more about all of this, we will always have our therapist with us in our heart, but we no longer need to see them.)

People, and littles especially, need a lot of time and space to process things. Littles sometimes do not have the words to really talk about it like adults would: their natural language is usually play. So, if possible, give them time to play (could be doing something creative, like drawing, or actually playing with toys).

Hi Vlinder, welcome to the forum!
We think that attachment should be body-age-appropriate. so we relate to adult friends like adults. it gets difficult because everyone seems to have their own attachment going on with people in our life... we want to avoid child-attachment to anyone outside the system. its just not right for an adult-bodied system. we also avoid attachment with the T. they will leave. this will cause trouble. we have a solid working relationship that is shallow emotionally. if we brought emotional needs into therapy that would just be messy. we think it would cause more problems than solve.

we do work with imagery helpers in our system. so we offer the kids attachment not only to system members who make mistakes and struggle, but also imagined mystical creatures, pets or people. they can keep those forever.


We understand Sam. no need to be positive. we like it real. and we can relate very much with what you said.

we think that the idea of T attachment for re-parenting is just not working with DID kids who don't ever grow up. they need something else, something so much more than a T can offer. often more than a system can offer too.
we thought we had things clear with Maya and that former T. at some point he did things that helped us a lot and it seems like she started to look up to him for help. we never noticed how deep that went until months after he left.

sorry, my mind is so fuzzy today. there is more i wanted to say but i cant remember

we think that the idea of T attachment for re-parenting is just not working with DID kids who don't ever grow up. they need something else, something so much more than a T can offer. often more than a system can offer too.

I/we completely agree with this. I don't know what the solution is either. Or if there is anything that could be a solution.

I see it more this way. It is like with a chronic disease, say multiple sclerosis (MS). You can try different things, therapies, etc . and sometimes it works. And sometimes it doesn't and if it doesn't you may still be able to identify what is needed (something to stop autoinflammation) but it doesnt mean it will be provided. You can treat the pain, treat the fatigue, but It just may not be possible to provide the cure.

Providing attachment for a little that will never grow up may not be possible. There might be things that treat the symptoms. But what is needed was needed long ago and can not be made up for now.

its one of those theories we follow...
to meet needs in the present. needs of the past cannot be met today, they can only be mourned.
God knows how that would work...

right now we try inner helpers. and we are wondering about the impact fusion would have on this problem. we are not totally anti-fusion like some, as we have made great experiences with blending.
maybe, with time, kids could mature thru fusion with older ones. would that help with the attachment cry? we dont know.

We do and have done alot of prep work in our life when it is over it is over. So beginning we make sure we have some sort of ammunition if things just don't work or if early one someone gets attached. It can be unsettling to whine about the past so yea allow grieving that would be ideal. I like to make sure that too many aren't involving because too much feeling drives us whacko!

would that help with the attachment cry? we dont know.

Yes. What would. This thread made me reflect on why the littles are more or less inaccessible right now. It has been since mid-August. I totally understand why now, if I take an attachment perspective.

And not simply that their attachment issues were hurting them. It's that perhaps other parts in the system can't bear to hear their attachment cries. And not to invalidate them, or dismiss them. It is just there is nothing that can be done to alleviate them.

hello this make me very sad.

We do not have the attachments which is really just the special people. we aren't allowed.

it's very sad.

thank you for listening.

-i am here