***Trigger Warning*** Re Contact

kittenspuppies wrote:Part of what has helped is a better understanding of the limitations of the person I am dealing with.
I have slowly come to accept this. And the more I can understand the flaws of this parent, the more I can emotionally protect myself from hurt in the future.

@kittenspuppies. Congratulations! You have developed, compassion, acceptance and an inner strength - or self-referral.

As to the OP, breaking contact does not mean holding a grudge or hating on that person. As @L (hope I read that right) said, it is simply a boundary that you establish for yourself so that you can heal. Neither is it permanent. It can simply be a daily commitment to providing yourself a safe space so that you can process your feelings and develop inner peace.

Take care... Brett

I am wondering what kind of boundaries ppl have put in place when they have kids irl.

I mean in situations where the kids aren't really old enough to understand why they don't see grandma and grandpa and uncle and aunt. But the reality is you should be putting in a firm no contact boundary with these people but you feel guilty that your kids don't know or see their extended family, and all of their friends do.

I know the simple answer is that you want to protect them from toxic people> but it isn't that simple. They will probably understand that concept/approach when they are much much older. But for them, not seeing those people (which are in all honestly very nice and kind to them) are people they don't have in their lives as much now and are wondering why.

Anon55 wrote:however, the abuse does still continue on occasion. When I confront them, then after a while, they will apologize. But there is no guarantee that the abuse will not occur again, as it often does tend to occur after any given period of time.

I really don't know what to do. I desperately want to heal, but another part of me wants a relationship with this person.

As others have said, the abuse might still continue. If you can handle it then you can try to salvage what you have left with this older but sharp person. However, in the end of it all, you need to worry about yourself and concentrate on your own healing and finding out how to obtain said healing. And yes a therapist is a great suggestion.

You can do what ever you want! I wont go near the psychopaths that caused this for me! I hope to God I dont see them in heaven when I die! their should be a healthy fear between me and the filth that caused this type of destruction within my life and nervous system and mind!
.
Its up to me who I want to interact with!
.
I learned a hard hard lessons dealing with psychopaths! I got a kind of mental illness from simply being next to them as they verbally assaulted me! it left a strange condition where I could not longer speak! its like the inside of me was coated down with some kind of evil! it went into me; the shell of me and I could not longer speak anymore; could not show any feelings or expression! Im just now getting over it; and this; simply from being around them; they are dangerous! I would not associate with them for any reason! run!

birdsong87 wrote:It is a terrible thing to be alone in this world. we have only recently cut off contact to siblings too. we are not part of this family anymore.
there is something more terrible than being alone.
its being abused.
because it is fake company, fake intimacy, fake parenting, fake care
that turns on you without a warning to hurt you even deeper
its a high price to pay for something that is fake
those who love us dont abuse us
i bet you can find better people in this world. 7 billion people... you would find someone

Yes, this, exactly.

Have you considered that the one alter, perhaps more, maintaining contact with this intermittently abusive mother is keeping you all from responding to the normal human behavior of seeking out other people in the world who could become friends?

We have alters who have put up with a variety of people in the world taking advantage of us while giving back very little. That was easy for those alters because they never had to deal with the resentment and anger about this. Those emotions were handled by other alters who were triggered out. This latter group were the ones who experienced our rage and our pain about being used. In hindsight, we can see how unfair to them it was, and overall how foolish.

You've described your mother as toxic, in the balance. The isolation you're keeping yourself in may actually be related to your continued relationship with her. Cutting ties is worth exploring if you want to get out of the cycle you're in.