Children: prevention and mental health support

my daughter is bright, funny, kind, adventurous. wonderful, healthy.

but mental illness runs in my family. especially through the women in the maternal line going as far back as I know to my great-grandmother and her sister.

my daughter already shows signs of anxiety. -test anxiety, worry, becoming overwhelmed by homework assignments, concerns about school relationships and popularity.

I am thinking about some things and would like input. i would also like to stress that my life mission is to end the cycle of trauma, abuse, and neglect that has existed in my family for at least 5 generations. i know it is a difficult task, but I am tenacious.

so..... i want to prevent any mental illness in my daughter. and do you have any thoughts? I work to give her techniques to regulate and manage her emotions. but I have been thinking more and more lately about counseling.

my fear is that I open her up, in a very vulnerable way, to what could be hurtful somehow. i do not trust.

but I think it could be very important she receive preventative mental health care if there is such a thing. so she can have a safe person to talk to. she was abandoned by her father. she lives with a mom who has "bad nerves. she experience's academic anxiety. she is already at age 9 incredibly moody and occasionally mentions things that get me concerned that she may be experiencing low levels of dissociation. it is hard to give an example. they are always pretty innocuous but concern me. "I never know which date to write on my paper because -teacher- doesn't write it on the board. maybe 9 year olds don't know the date? I never know what day it is because I never ######6 know what day it is.

I have reached out to the school twice for support from the counselor. but they don't have ongoing resources. but did help for the acute situation.

do you have any ideas or input on how I can best support my daughter's mental health needs? and teach her techniques to manage her overwhelming emotions? I want her to have every advantage I can give her to escape this curse that has been in our family. i want her to be healthy and happy. i want my grandchildren and great grandchildren to be freed from this intergenerational trauma. i have no other purpose.

it is hard to say what is on the 'normal' spectrum of worry and anxiety in children, pre teens, teens, etc. because so many have those same worries.

i guess i would watch to see if it interferes with her functioning in general and keep working with her on the coping skills when things that cause anxiety come up for her so she can keep practicing those skills and hopefully help to manage some of the symptoms.

when it comes to assignments or tests, does her school allow accommodations like allowing extra time for assignments or tests or retaking tests if she fails one? those were some things i was given (in high school) because i struggled a lot with anxiety too. i was also able to leave class when things got overwhelming so i could calm myself down.

if it is interfering with her functioning and she is struggling, that would be when seeking extra support for her would be useful. of course, it also takes finding the right fit too.

here is a good website that lists all kinds of other things you might be able to try with her. along the left side of the page, you will see it has various types of 'tools' for different anxiety symptoms/disorders including talking about derealization which can go along with anxiety/panic attacks too.

https://www.anxietybc.com/parenting/tools

Hi BeccaBee

I will post more but I wanted to get this in before I put my boys down for the night.

There is more to her life than her mother's mental illness.

Use that as your moral compass. Bless you and your daughter... Brett

psychotherapy.

I know it is expensive, but it is an investment. My son didnt have bad enough grades or wasnt disruptive enough to get the services by the school. SO we took him to private. It turns out he had some issues to learn to deal with that weren't academic. And he is doing so well now.

The main reasons are 1) it teaches them to recognize and cope with their inner world and self in ways that are really hard to teach. Especially if you spend a lot of time just trying to stay a float. the second reason is it teaches them that a therapist is a resource in times of mental health needs. Most people grow up going to the dr. so they know if something doesn't feel right in the body they should go to the doctor. that is they way our society should also be about mental health. People should feel as comfortable going to a therapist as a dr. and so then why not introduce the concept early on?

I know you are tight for money BB. Year end is coming up. Do you have year end evaluations at work? I think you are doing very well in your job. Maybe you can say something like during your review. "I love working here and especially love XXX challenges. But our health care plan doesn't cover psychotherapy for my child. She is doing well but I'd like her to get the best start in life. I know she struggles with a few things, having being left by her dad and having a working single mom. I'd really like to commit to some psychotherapy for her. Is it possible to have a bit of raise or extended health care option so that I can afford this care for her? I understand if things aren't possible right now but do you think there is a possibility down the road?" If you are doing well, they will want to keep you.

I don't know what my kids see of my troubles. I try to shield as much as possible but it is not possible for them not to be affected. It will also take away some stress and weight if you know they are getting he help they need and are building that tool box from a young age.

I think counseling is a great idea. A safe neutral supportive person .

I took both my sons . They’re dad was alcoholic and they did see him but not great relationship .
They had mom ( me) with issues that go with DID. Life was confusing . I’m a firm believer that secrets keep /make kids sick . They know things are off. When it’s not addressed it all goes underground .

Kids need to be able to talk and make sense of their world and get feelings out in safe way .
There are also lots of books about feelings that help kids identify what’s going on inside .
Deep breathing and mindfulness help but doesn’t get to root of anxiety .
Not talking about meds but a solid supportive place to explore what’s been going on for her .

Hi BeccaBee

You love your daughter so much. This is all that I can offer - I hope it helps somewhat.

1. Reassurance that they’re not alone.
   The experience of an SMI in the family can be lonely and confusing. Regardless of the illness, all young people need to be reminded that they are not alone. Support groups can be helpful.
   
2. Honest acknowledgement of the parent’s difficulties.
   Some families avoid talking about the illness with the hope that this approach will be less stressful for the child. Children are too smart for this. t’s important to talk openly about various struggles that families face instead of perpetuating the secrecy and shame often surrounding mental illness.
   
3. Information about the illness.
   People (kids especially) fear what they do not understand. Kids need answers to questions like: “What is going on? Why is this happening to me? How can I make my parent better?
   
   Counselors and support groups will help with education.
   
4. To be told that they are not to blame.
   Young people often blame themselves when problems arise in a family. It’s reassuring for children to be told they didn’t do anything wrong. Sending this message clearly and consistently can relieve considerable guilt and shame among teens.
   This is such a big thing for kids. They take everything on themselves. I've heard this over and over with kids: it was my fault. It was not.
   
5. To know that the parent loves them.
   Reminding young people that their parent cares about them can be comforting. Sometimes, parents behave in rejecting ways that can be confusing and hurtful to children, or parents are so consumed with their own problems they’re unavailable for their kids.
   
6. To be able to be kids.
   Due to the family’s preoccupation with the parent, some youths are given excessive responsibilities such as childcare for younger siblings, household chores, and even managing the parent’s behavior and medications. Kids are kids.
   
7. Support in knowing how to deal with stigma and their friends.
   This upsets me no end. Get a friend to role-play with teens about how to respond to friends’ unkind comments. Have your child share wisely. Peers can be fickle.
   
8. Safe people to talk to.
   These young people need support from healthy adults and teens in their extended family, community, school, and church. Research has clearly found that young people growing up in challenging family situations have better outcomes if they have one positive adult in their lives to support them along the way.
   
9. Empowerment.
   Although young people cannot fix their parent, they often want to be helpful. Brainstorm with teens about small, specific ways they can support their parent, such as by playing cards together, sending a kind e-mail, or cleaning his/her room without being asked.
   
10. Hope.
    It’s important for kids to know that situations probably won’t always feel as tough, and many effective treatments are available for their parent. Recovery from serious mental illness is possible. Whenever possible, I drive my teen around people who look happy, or who are engaging in enjoyable, creative activities. "I know it's hard now, Zee, but stay close and don't give. We'll get through this."

Despite the challenges involved in dealing with mental illness, facing difficulties can bring families closer together. Both parents and children may discover strengths, resilience, and courage in themselves and each other that never would have surfaced otherwise. Families can grow by communicating openly and supporting each other so that they can navigate future difficulties more effectively.

Love... Brett

yes and yes!!!

this is what I need help with.

8 safe adult.

where do I find these people? family and church are out. i think it would help kid to have someone to talk to that wasn't me.

Ask around for good therapist for kids who’s familiar with trauma - if you’re in therapy ask him/ her for names...
most important that your daughter likes the person and can share / get support

My kids liked the therapist -they saw her as being neutral and supportive and allowed them to nonjudgmentally explore their thoughts and feelings
It was also private between them and her . I respected their rights and need for confidentiality/how else could they really express themselves.

She also gave them ideas about expressing their pain . I only know this because one time when I was crying my son said something that I knew came from her .

She understood DID and the dilemmas it presents for kids . You don’t want someone to deny what your daughter inherently experiences

My children received a number of supportive services in their schools partly because I disclosed to the relevant administrator that I was diagnosed and in treatment for a severe mental illness (SMI). The SMI was limited in time, but once the children were enrolled in services their access to services continued, and now that they are older they have access to additional out-of-school services.

It took me quite a while to get dialed in to the point where school staff and other parents would be forthcoming with me, and it was emotionally painful for me, but the time and effort I put into getting there has been well spent.

Reading this, you may be wondering about stigma. Are my children shamed or isolated because other children know they get special service X? No, not at all. They have found compassionate, understanding friends among their classmates who also get X, and X has given them social skills that help them interact with other children. The general education teachers tell me that the children in X bring healthy social group behaviors into all their classrooms, to the benefit of all the children.

A starting point is to have frank conversations with the school nurse and/or counselor, principal, and school district special education office. Or you can work to connect with parents of other children receiving special services, who can give you an orientation.

I agree with the ideas stated above. Seeing a therapist can be very helpful for children, as it can be a safe space to process experiences (/trauma) and a place to learn coping skills. Teaching children about emotions and feelings, as well as how to handle them (which is pretty much the essence of 'coping') is very beneficial to their mental health.

I also wanted to add that if you are unable to find or see a therapist or counselor, there are also resources on websites such as Pinterest. Also, there are many books are available on this topic, targeted to parents and/or children.

- Scholar