It’s OK To Not Be Ok **Trigger Warning*Suicidal Alter**

TLDR; New P. Doesn’t seem to want to talk about DID (Yet I’m hopeful). Meds change gave terrible side effects that are system wide but effects everyone differently. Therapy clinic reject us cause we don’t know what our problems are. Red text misses old PT. With everything going on, Red Text wants to die. Everyone else is just taking it one day at a time.


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Longer version:
Things in our system are not going well. And that’s ok for us. Sometimes It's ok to not be ok. But for the first time, I don't know how to fix it. I know I have my limitations of what I can do for my system. But I think it's hitting me for the first time.

For me personally, I am fine. A little bored and restless, but ok either way. We had a med change and our body is still adjusting to it. It's just some distress we have to tolerate for a while. Everything will be fine. And we are starting to feel a little bit better.

Red Text has been feeling terrible lately. She deeply misses our old doctor. He was both are P and our T. She felt close to him. He named a teddy bear for her. Our new dr is a little different in terms of personality. Which is ok. Personality differences are fine and normal. Though it is a little hard for her and the rest to get used to.

Our new doctor seems to forget a lot of things. With his many patients I understand it completely. Saul wrote a lengthy letter with our DES, MID report, diagnoses possibilities and medicine history. Chet even mentioned the possibility of us being a system but he seems to avoid any talk about it. He never mentioned the letter again after he ask we gave it to him. I guess It’s ok because he mentioned he wanted to work on things a little bit at a time. So diagnoses talk will be up for the future. I am hopeful. We will find the truth soon But other alters are not as hopeful.

Red Text misses our old doctor so much, she blames herself for him leaving. I tell her that it's most likely not her fault. He left for other reasons. We don’t know what those reasons are exactly. But that’s ok, sometimes we don’t need to know. Their relationship ended suddenly so it hurts her very deeply. We try to comfort her the best we can. But it’s not working. It hurts but I’m ok with it. I know I have my limitations. Therapy would work better for her now. Because I know we need outside help and that’s ok

But the therapy clinic does not want to accept us because Chet and I said "we don't know what the problem is". Which makes them think we have no problems at all. It's ok. I understand. They want to know what the problem is before accepting us. It makes sense so they can match us up with the right therapist. But with dissociation, most of us are completely unaware of the extent of the problems. So during the interview, Chet and I messed up. I completely forgot what our issues are. And Chet is unaware of it completely. The most they did was refer us to another clinic that deals with a completely different matter. The other clinic was surprised that they referred us since they deal with drug issues but decided to at least test us and tell the results to our doctor. We agreed to it since it’s the closest thing we have now

With her missing him, the new medicine adjustments, Dr ignoring any mention of DID, possibly no therapy, Red Text really wants to end it all. I feel bad for her

This is tough for me. I really don't know what to do at this point. All I can do is try to stay safe and take it one day at a time. Cause sometimes it’s ok to not be ok . We just need to hang on and survive.

Wow, that all sounds super tough. I'm sorry to hear you are all in that situation, it's really hard to be missing an old doctor.

Have you tried asking Red Text what might give her hope for the future? It can be hard if she is struggling with all of this to focus on anything proactive that you all might do to help things be better. It's easy to fall into the spiral of dwelling on all the negative things that have happened. And even though it's good to not brush off the negatives, it's counterproductive to think of them so much that she is feeling suicidal.

NegativeZero wrote:But the therapy clinic does not want to accept us because Chet and I said "we don't know what the problem is". Which makes them think we have no problems at all. It's ok. I understand. They want to know what the problem is before accepting us.

This is a pretty simple idea, but could you maybe all work at writing notes of what is wrong? If you write notes in preparation for the question of what the problem is, you could take them and all answer with some certainty. I certainly understand you having trouble answering what the problem is. Even after 7 years of therapy, I still have trouble answering that question because we all have a different opinion. Some prep can go a long way to being able to give a sufficient enough answer to get the help you need.

Thank you for your response salted lipstick. It means a lot to us

I asked her that question through co-con and she said "to see him again". It's been three years and she misses him that much. A year or two ago, another alter had a flashback of his face and was terrified. Plenty mixed feelings about it. But that's ok. He's still in the area, in a more expensive clinic. We told her that we might save up enough money to see him again if things don't turn out well. But we don't know for sure if he is there and we are a little worried of what she will do if he's not. I am hopeful though. Whatever happens, I know we survived worse. We'll get through this.

That's a good suggestion! It is always good to be prepared. Saul and the others typed down a list of our problems, though I never thought to use them before. It was deleted because some didn't want to know what the problems are. But it's ok. I can make another list. The tough part though, is trying say it without mentioning alters and dissociation. A lot of us are either embarrassed about it, or don't want to be singled out and blamed for things. Most of us agreed on not mentioning anything related to DID until we are officially diagnosed. But at this point it's hard to say the problems without mentioning it. But that's ok. Saul said he'll talk to our doctor about it. And I'll try to handle writing out a list of problems for us to mention in our intake appointment with the drug clinic. Hopefully they can refer us to the other more appropriate clinic and we can finally get the help we need.

The medicine side effects are going away. So we are getting a little better and better each day. Things are going to get better. I just know it. And if not, that is ok too. We can fight through any obstacle the best we can. I'm hopeful

TLDR;
After rejected from another therapy clinic, and hearing our former Psychiatrist might have stopped working, Red Text is still succidal. She has an active plan, a method, and decided to do it. We're trying our best to distract her and help her hold on till our next doctor's appointment in two weeks.


I hope double posting here is ok.

Sonnet wanted to update this thread for me, but never had the chance. It's ok though. because she saved a draft and I can post it for her.

Sonnet says

Sorry for the double post, thought I update this thread. Dx.

Lol. So we just came back from the drug therapy clinic.

It went well. They mainly deal with anger issues. So I told them the truth. (Well part of the truth anyway, lol.)

I said "I know this sounds crazy but I feel as if my anger is another person/ another part of me is angry. He doesn't want his name to be known but his nickname is Nick. Nick gets angry a lot. I want to deal with his anger issues. But he doesn't want his anger issues dealt with. I know it sounds really crazy.."

After being told it's not crazy at all. He said we need to see a pdoc. He called the other therapy clinic about it and then confirmed that I need to see my pdoc.

Funny thing is. Lol. My pdoc was the one who referred us to the other clinic who referred us to this one, who referred us back to him. Lol. It's funny. Like the circle of life kinda thing.

So at this point, my pdoc can't avoid diagnosing or not diagnosing anymore cause everyone keeps referring us back to him. Dx.

Let's hope I can finally get to the root of the issue at our next appointment. And he stops avoiding and running away from talking about it. .

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I'm happy that Sonnet finds the situation funny. It is good to laugh at problems sometimes and look at the bright side.

Red Text is not taking it well. She took it as a rejection, that they don't care. And I agree that it does hurt, though I am sure they didn't exactly reject us. They are just unsure of how to help us, so they referred us to someone who can. And that's the best thing to do in that situation, which is good and ok.

We found out that our former doctor might have stopped working now. That's what hurt her the most. She's taking it hard. Which is understandable, but also saddens me.

I'm worried about her. She has been succidal for the past month. Although it is ok to feel hurt and sad sometimes, I'm worried she'll do something this time. She already has a plan, has a sure method, and has already decided to do it.
Yesterday it was a struggle to maintain in control while she made her plan. But luckily we are still surviving. Which is good. .

Today we're a little better. Red text is still hurt of course, but she says she feels peaceful at her decision. Although it is worrying, I'm glad she's feeling better today.

Sometimes she goes back to feeling terrible. The body had a strange panic attack possibly caused by her. We haven't had one ever since we took medication.

She keeps saying, "If I die, would anyone care?" I say, "I care, we as a system care.". Because we do truly care. She says "You're not real. I just imagined you because I'm lonely/sick/crazy.. I can do what I want with my body. " I understand where she is coming from. It must hurt her so much.

I'm still hopeful things will be ok. And if not, it's ok to not be ok. We are considering going to the ER as a last resort if things go terribly wrong. For now, We just need to make sure she doesn't front. We already hid away her tools for her plan, which is good. Now all we need to do is keep busy and hold on. Everything will be ok. We just need to hold on for two weeks till our next appointment. I am little worried. But I'm also still hopeful. We have 14 alters in our main group working together to survive. We will survive. .

Hi NegativeZero (I couldn't work out the color to address you directly, sorry)

"It's OK To Not Be OK". That reminds me of: "I'm Bad And That's Good, I'll Never Be Good, And That's Not Bad" - Wreck It Ralph. He was cool, he just needed something to focus on.

Safety is primary concern, so whatever you can do there that will make you feel safe, do it. I was on suicide watch for a number of years. It finally dawned on me that I was a paramedic and if an Alter suicided it was probably likely I'd be able to cope and get them into hospital. My anxiety dropped immediately, and the Alter threatening suicide stopped, either because they knew if was pointless or - more likely - they got the attention they were looking for.

Attention is important.

As to seeing a PDoc who brushes you off and then being referred by another PDoc to the orginal PDoc, that is a great opportunity to challenge the original PDoc. "So, Doc, you say I'm OK, he say's I'm not, please explain that to me." Occam's Razor is not something you hurt yourself with, it is a principle from philosophy which dictates that the simplest answer to a question is probably the right one.

Good luck... Brett

I typed this up and it got lost. While it is disappointing, it'll be ok. I can now type a reply that's better than ever. .

Thank you for the answer Brett. .

It's ok about the color. I appreciate the response even without it.

I never watched Wreck It Ralph, but it's always been on our list. It sounds like a good movie to have a thought provoking quote.

I agree that safety is important. It must be tough to have a partner with DID, especially with a succidal alter. I'm glad that she feels better now. You're a good partner.

Attention is important. Sometimes we have problems with expressing ourselves with words. It is ok though because we are working on it.


There is only one psychiatrist in our area, I think. The rest of them are LPCs, and other mental health professionals. In our area, only psychiatrist can diagnose from my experience. But that's ok. We live in a small place. It works well for us.


I feel as if our doctor wants to work on things slowly. Which is ok and good. He did say he wanted to work on things one at a time. He's helping us on our anxiety and anger issues. And that is good. He only wanted to try to get us into therapy for those issues. The first clinic referred us out because the other clinic is more experience with anger issues. Which is ok, the more experience the better. But the other clinic told us to go back to our psychiatrist, since Sonnet said another part feels anger. And that's ok. Maybe it's because they are unsure of what we experiencing. After all if we are hallucinating each other, they don't want to feed into it . Getting a more professional opinion is the best thing in this case.

I am hopeful. Everything will be ok.


Our siduation is improving. Although Red Text still is succidal, she seems to be better today. And that's good.

I asked our friends to send encouraging words to help her feel better. She says those words are for Sonnet and not her. I understand where she is coming from, most of the people don't know about us, and it is hard to reason with when your depress. but even though she doesn't want to admit it, I think that it does help her a bit. And that is good.

One of our problems now is that some of us are impatient for our next appointment in two weeks. And it's ok. We are excited and want to know what will happen next. But I think things will be ok.

If someone can send us some kind words of encouragement, I would be really greatful. It does help to have support. And if you are unable to, that's ok too. Just having someone read this is ok with me. .

We will be ok. Things are getting better. .

Stay safe. This is the most important thing. Go to the ER if the situation gets dangerous for you all. And do what you can to help yourselves feel settled and safe generally.

I think Sonnet did really well to mention about Nick. Hopefully you can all start being more open with the professionals you are seeing so that you are able to get some more support.

I wondered what it is about your old PT that made Red text feel more hopeful overall about life if she was able to see him again? Is it possible that she may find these qualities and hope in someone or something else in future? Would it perhaps help her to focus more on life if she set about to find a healthy situation in which to find the things that had given her hope?

I miss him..
He auctally listened to what I had to say. He auctally cared. No judgements. He validated my experiences. He was there for me.
But now he's gone.. and now no one is listening to me. Everyone else doesn't understand.Everyone else doesn't care. They either say their problems are bigger than mine or just be a jerk about it.
No one cares. There's only two therphy clinics where I live. And they both reject me. Only two people are answering this thread. No one cares.
I see the notes my "alters" made and it feels so fake. It's too good to be true. I'm just pretending it all. I'm a sick sick person. I don't deserve these notes. Those words of encouragement. Happiness. I'm just a sick person making it all up.
The worst part is I'm all alone in this. I'm scared of telling anyone. I'm scared of being invalidated. Our doctor invalidated us when he tried to avoid talking about us. It's not the same..
And it's my fault that my old doctor left. Mean Text and I threatened someone else and it scared him and he left. I'm just a sick person.
There no hope for me. I want to do it. I had a perfect plan years ago, but the body just HAD to survive. Now I need to redo them. I already decided how and I am going to end it. I researched methods. I just don't know when. Maybe today or tonight. I don't think I can hold on any longer.

Hi Red Text

I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad right now.

I understand the need for validation completely. I was recently astounded when a PDoc invalidated DID without even seeing the patient. I was angry.

We exist to live as ourselves. The moment you feel life needs to end, is the time not to end life, but to change life, walk away from the problems or what is driving that feeling of embracing death. Different paths do exist: Always. Suicide is the moment of feeling so stuck that you fail to see the other options. But those options always exist.. always… We live in potential and in that potential all paths exist.

**TW: Suicide reference **
I attempted suicide when I was 18. The paramedic who was called to the scene had such a calming, caring voice. As I came around I thought: "damn, I'm still here!" I was so disappointed, but at the same time, this guy was being so compassionate to me. ER and psych wards were not quite so pleasant.
On a couple occasions thereafter, I came dangerously close to attempting it again, but the one thing that stopped me was the thought that if suicide was an option, maybe there was another option. I eventually found them but it did take awhile.
** End TW **

Be safe. Really. Even if the clinics won't admit you, go and sit in the ER. Sit there for as long as it takes to either get treatment - the doctors are legally obligated to treat you - or until you're feeling safe again.

I will be sure to check for any new messages from you. Be safe... Brett

Hi Red Text,

I'm glad you're writing to us. Sorry about your doc. It is SO HARD to talk about this with professionals! And those are the people we need to talk about it with! Maybe you can find someone to talk to like a phone crisis line or support group or a counselor. It meant a whole lot to us when we found someone to talk to even if they couldn't diagnose us and stuff.

Iain