T is leaving and littles are SO SAD

We knew she'd leave eventually, but more parts were finally trusting her and sharing more (especially the littles). At least 3 littles introduced themselves about a month ago, and T was really excited and told the 4 year old she could bring her stuffy along to the next appointment because she had said she wanted to show T, but was shy about it. And the teens thought T was really cool. The younger kids called her mom (not to her face) and were finally letting their guards down. Now they don't know what to do except cry. They think she doesn't love them.

(Most of the grown-up parts are dealing with a very stressful situation at work and aren't able to give the littles the attention and soothing they need. Luckily no one has done anything self-destructive. Our coping skills aren't great.)

How can we help the upset parts feel better? Crying at work is not okay...

Have you actually finished with this therapist yet? If you haven't, it might be worth giving the upset ones a chance to speak to her in order to be able to start to process this change and be able to better understand it.

Do they get any time when you are not at work in order to be able to be upset? That might also be a helpful strategy. It is a sad situation so it is important for them to know that it is ok to be upset and to allow them time to grieve the loss.

Are you going to go see another therapist once your current one leaves? If you are, it might also be helpful for your others to know because this might also give them a chance to be optimistic about the future and realise that even though one amazing therapist has had to leave, the next one might also be wonderful and you might develop a really trusting connection with the next one too.

That is hard. We have big separation/attachment issues so hearing you. If you have that level of trust then you need to share this with the T before she goes -are you able to tell T about the Mom thing? This will give T a good indicator of the level of attachment and help her to help you. If T knows this maybe she can help clarify the boundaries for you and the littles - i.e. difference between Mom's and T's. They will need lots of support. T should be able to help put something into place that builds on your current coping mechanisms and build on internal parenting??? It took us a long time to 'get over' our last T. I have found that the littles now get attached totally inappropriately and very quickly to other people now (which is new)and often leading to lots and lots of tears when separated. This I think is where we may be starting with next T. Meantime lots of internal comfort and support for those affected and also some good internal parenting if possible......

Really sorry to hear you are loosing an attachment....all best to you all.

we are in a similar situation right now. the last T appointment will be next week.
we have spent several months telling everyone in the system that he will be gone in March.
we didnt want this to come as a surprise and the T was very fair to tell us as soon as he knew...
i really hope she doesnt leave you all of a sudden...

we take time to cry at home. we also take time to share stories so we will remember. we looked up the place where he will work so we can be happy for him. our youngest made a gift so he will remember us.
and i am still looking into things that could help make it easier. we will probably sit down and share what we like about him and what we will miss. it helps to put words to the feelings. sharing is important for our young ones. they find comfort in not being alone with their sadness.

we have always made it clear that a T is not a parent, so i guess your littles are struggling even harder. we are just losing a funny friend.
it sounds terrible, but Asti looked up things to help kids mourn a loss, what comes up is mostly death of someone, but in the end its pretty similar, the person will be gone.

make sure to feel your own sadness and not just engage in working with the littles only. the whole system is losing someone important.

Whenever we've had to say goodbue to someone like a therapist we've goven the kids a task to focus on. We asked each of them to draw or write something to give. It helped them a lot as they felt they had said goodbye. we also got something off each person. Most a note to look over when wefeel sad

Thank you, everyone, for your kind messages and advice. Every time I read them I cry, so this will be a shorter response until I have a bit more control over my emotions. The kids really want to make a card...or a few...so this weekend I plan to let them draw and color and figure out what they'd like to say. It'll be hard to keep my Controller/Censor out of the way, but I'll try. T told me just yesterday that she's retiring in a month and a half, which I suspected was coming at some point, but then again, I'm always expecting people to leave me. I just wish she'd given at least 6 months notice so that all of this processing and learning could go at a slower pace. It's taken until this past year for the older, more untrusting parts to finally feel comfortable and safe with her. The first three years it was a constant battle between the kids who loved her and the grown-ups who expected to be hurt. So now it's that battle again...the kids who love her and the grown-ups who say, "I told you so!"

Now I'm getting a headache to go with my crying...sigh...

Have you been seeing her long?

It's hard to have to finish up with a T and a month and a half is not a long time. Have you thought about expressing that you wish she'd given a bit more notice? It might be good to voice those thoughts to her also. If you are always expecting people to leave you and you wish she'd given you more notice it's important to work through those feelings also.

Take good care. Try to do some nice things for yourself to help all of you through this difficult time. Letting the kids make cards sounds like a lovely idea to express themselves.

Hi June,
i saw that you wrote Maya in the littles thread. she didnt know what to say because she is sad too. so i thought i would write.
i am very sorry for your loss. its a big one and losses hurt.

especially for you June, it might help to make a little list that shows the differences between this T and other people who have left you before. maybe the bigs could learn something from your list. i bet she doesnt want to hurt you and that her reasons are very different from other people.

i wanted to tell you that its ok to be angry with her. it doesnt mean you hate her forever or that you do something wrong. being angry is part of grieving a loss. its normal and its allowed, even when she is a T and you like her.

its very normal to miss someone. it means that they have been important. you dont have to re-write the past so that nothing seems important or meaningful or true anymore. all the moments you had together are very valueable and they are real and precious. missing someone means that this was important for your life.

when we have our last appointment with our T next week we will take some time in the evening for a small party and remembering. in honor of the time we had together, and to remember all the important moments.

remembering what we had will help us hope for something similar in the future. there will be a new T one day. and because we have had a precious relationship with a T before there is hope that we will have it again with someone else.

i am here if your host wants to discuss ideas of how to help the system cope.
take care
Mike

I might see if I can schedule extra appointments before she leaves. Usually she sees us just twice a month, so there's really no time to process any of this. June usually comes around in the evening and through the night, so there's been a lot of crying and calling for mom. June got too attached to our previous counselor, who she viewed as a big brother, and even though she knew when he was graduating from his master's program and leaving, the whole system fell apart for weeks, and right before my own master's defense. It was awful. Right now the system has been chaotic and distressed anyway, because we've been getting harassed and bullied and discriminated against at work, and no one is helping us, so the Fighter decided to step up and escalate the situation, and we're all scared. So now there's an investigation, and we're going to have to find a new job, and we're worried we'll have to leave the beautiful place where we live. The grown-ups are trying to take care of this and not let it affect the younger parts, but I think they know something's wrong.

No one besides T knows about my DID, because most of us are too embarrassed to tell anyone else. If everyone decides to hide once T is gone, I'll be devastated all over again.

birdsong87, is it ok to PM?

that sounds like a terrible lot of hard stuff that is going on in your life.
this could be a good time to look for more support in your area. i am sorry but i dont know about the possibilities in your country.
i would recommend a step back from intense emotion, taking a short break. and a plan.
additional appointment with the T sounds good.
she might be able to help you thru the current emotions.
and she could help you make a plan for the time "after".

we are not a T but we are willing to share stuff that we have tried and things that have worked for us.
we really prefer to do that on an open thread because it means that there are ressources that others might find useful later.